Indifference

in·dif·fer·ence

Pronunciation: \in-ˈdi-fərn(t)s, -f(ə-)rən(t)s\

Function: noun

• unbiased impartial unconcern
• emotionlessness: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions-

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People always says that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

That is how I feel.... indifferent.

I feel numb.

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His actions affect me less and less each time he breaks my heart.

Its not that I am not aware that he is breaking my heart...
I am... Its that for some reason, I feel nothing...
or maybe not nothing, but close to it.

Its almost as if I'm on the outside looking in... like... I know I should let myself feel the hurt... the anger... the grief... but I just push it back down into the pit of my stomach so that I don't have to face it.... so that i can try to forget they are there.

But every once in a while, it sneaks in.

My heart hurts more than I think I can bear.
My anger boils over and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
The grief takes me by surprise and all I feel is sadness and a disappointment that is indescribable.

I thought that knowing he was with someone else would always hurt as badly as it did at first... but i see now that although it will hurt, time and indifference with numb it to the point of management...
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You would think that I'd pray every night for him still. Pray that Jesus would draw him in and hold him until he comes to his senses.

I don't.

I don't pray because I'm exhausted and I'm pessimistic.

I know I should pray for him... but I don't.

I know I should pray for me... but I don't.

I have spent almost every day of the past 6.5 years (prior to the last 6 months) praying for him each day- that he would find Jesus and that through that relationship, he would begin to strive to be the man that the Lord wanted him to be.

I prayed that my love for him would help him see the Love of Christ and that through my commitment and constant forgiveness, he would see even just a glimpse of what he was missing out on.

I prayed that he would realize that he needed someone other than himself...or me...or wakeboarding... and that only Jesus could feel that void. I wanted that for him selfishly because I knew that if he figured that one out, we would be able to be together with my total confidence that this was what the Lord wanted for me... for us.

I guess Ive just realized that... well.. that's not what the Lord wants for me... He pretty much told me... "nope, never gonna happen." and I hate it.

I hate that N may never know that love that has gotten me through some of the hardest parts of our relationship.

I want him to know that once, back when we first met, I had a fire burning brightly inside me and that all I wanted to do was pray to my creator and shout from the rooftops about it so that all could hear of the wonderful savior that I knew.

I wish he had known that I KNEW I should not be yoked with him since he was an unbeliever, but that I believed in my heart that the Lord wanted me to pursue his heart and to share Him with N.

I took a risk because I loved N and I wanted to be with him more than anything in this world.

I knew it was happening all along, but I refused to admit it. I was not bringing N up, he was pulling ME down.

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I don't pray for N even when I know I should because... I feel hopeless.. I feel that my never ending prayers meant nothing... because if they had meant something- I wouldn't be where I am today.

To be honest, I haven't prayed a real prayer in a long time that was not directed towards someone else's needs or struggles.

Why?
well because, sometimes I wonder, "whats the point?"
Gods gonna do what He's gonna do no matter how much I pray.
He ordained my days long before I came to be.
Why continue to pray for the same thing over and over when you clearly do not receive answers.

I know something is missing and I know what it is... but I haven't the strength to pursue it any longer.

Prayer is like a relationship.
It sucks when it's one-sided.