Sunday, November 1, 2009

Indifference

in·dif·fer·ence
Pronunciation: \in-ˈdi-fərn(t)s, -f(ə-)rən(t)s\
Function: noun
  • unbiased impartial unconcern
  • emotionlessness: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions-
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People always says that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

That is how I feel.... indifferent.

I feel numb.

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His actions affect me less and less each time he breaks my heart.

Its not that I am not aware that he is breaking my heart...
I am... Its that for some reason, I feel nothing...
or maybe not nothing, but close to it.

Its almost as if I'm on the outside looking in... like... I know I should let myself feel the hurt... the anger... the grief... but I just push it back down into the pit of my stomach so that I don't have to face it.... so that i can try to forget they are there.

But every once in a while, it sneaks in.

My heart hurts more than I think I can bear.
My anger boils over and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
The grief takes me by surprise and all I feel is sadness and a disappointment that is indescribable.

I thought that knowing he was with someone else would always hurt as badly as it did at first... but i see now that although it will hurt, time and indifference with numb it to the point of management...
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You would think that I'd pray every night for him still. Pray that Jesus would draw him in and hold him until he comes to his senses.

I don't.

I don't pray because I'm exhausted and I'm pessimistic.

I know I should pray for him... but I don't.

I know I should pray for me... but I don't.

I have spent almost every day of the past 6.5 years (prior to the last 6 months) praying for him each day- that he would find Jesus and that through that relationship, he would begin to strive to be the man that the Lord wanted him to be.

I prayed that my love for him would help him see the Love of Christ and that through my commitment and constant forgiveness, he would see even just a glimpse of what he was missing out on.

I prayed that he would realize that he needed someone other than himself...or me...or wakeboarding... and that only Jesus could feel that void. I wanted that for him selfishly because I knew that if he figured that one out, we would be able to be together with my total confidence that this was what the Lord wanted for me... for us.

I guess Ive just realized that... well.. that's not what the Lord wants for me... He pretty much told me... "nope, never gonna happen." and I hate it.

I hate that N may never know that love that has gotten me through some of the hardest parts of our relationship.

I want him to know that once, back when we first met, I had a fire burning brightly inside me and that all I wanted to do was pray to my creator and shout from the rooftops about it so that all could hear of the wonderful savior that I knew.

I wish he had known that I KNEW I should not be yoked with him since he was an unbeliever, but that I believed in my heart that the Lord wanted me to pursue his heart and to share Him with N.

I took a risk because I loved N and I wanted to be with him more than anything in this world.

I knew it was happening all along, but I refused to admit it. I was not bringing N up, he was pulling ME down.

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I don't pray for N even when I know I should because... I feel hopeless.. I feel that my never ending prayers meant nothing... because if they had meant something- I wouldn't be where I am today.

To be honest, I haven't prayed a real prayer in a long time that was not directed towards someone else's needs or struggles.

Why?
well because, sometimes I wonder, "whats the point?"
Gods gonna do what He's gonna do no matter how much I pray.
He ordained my days long before I came to be.
Why continue to pray for the same thing over and over when you clearly do not receive answers.

I know something is missing and I know what it is... but I haven't the strength to pursue it any longer.

Prayer is like a relationship.
It sucks when it's one-sided.


3 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post! I love the word indifferent because it is better than hate because it is hard to hate someone you once loved. Sometimes no matter how much we want something, God says no! He has another plan for us and we can pray until we are blue in the face but it isn't what he wants. I wish it wasn't like that but someday you will smile and say thank you to God for choosing a far better path than you could have ever dreamed about!

    I'm going to have to steal this and write a post about two people who I feel indifferent towards: unfortunatly it is my mom and brother, lol!

    babyparamore.blogspot.com

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  2. This post reminds me of an old song by Garth Brooks called "Unanswered Prayers". Here are the lyrics that I remembered while reading this post:
    Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
    Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
    That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
    Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

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  3. Keep praying. Don't ever stop praying for him, and for yourself. It may be a good thing to feel indifferent. Gives you some space from the feelings.

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