Friday, June 26, 2009

...

N and I will no longer be talking.
I need a few days.
No updates for a little while.
I will explain later.
Prayers please.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

An Inbetween Day

Today was a wierd. It wasnt a good day... but it wasnt a bad one either. I guess it was an inbetween day.

I went to the Dentist this morning and then since I was on that side of town, stopped by the Physical Therapy Clinic to say hey to all the PTs/ATs that I used to volunteer with. I thought that they all knew about N and I by now but one didn't. He is one that used to hang out with N and I some. He was really bummed because he was really excited about he and his wife hanging out with us more. It hurts me to see that other people were pulling for us so much. They were all very supportive and respectful not to ask too much and were all great making me feel better. After I left there, I swung by Best.Buy where the power cord for my computer was a WHOPPING $106.74.

Awesome.

Later, I briefly texted with N and then tried to carry on with my day. Yeah, it didnt work. I called my friend Kelly (yes, Im going to start using some names now) to vent (because she is awesome and will always listen) and was on the verge of making plans with her when she had to run into her new apartment complex and speak with someone about her lease. she said she would call me right back. Did she? Nope. I dont think it was intentional but I didnt want to bug her so I let it go and figured she just got busy. Still a bummer.

Called a couple of my life-long friends (who were supposed to hang out last night but both bailed out) to see if they wanted to just watch a movie tonight. Both had plans. Great. So, I spent the night hanging out with my little sis who just got her wisdom teeth out. It was a good time- nice and relaxing but sad at the same time as we both realized that friends suck and you can never rely on them (none of her good friends have even come by to check on her or bring her ice cream or just BE with her while she feels like crap). Im not sure when she got old enough to talk about boys and friend drama and such. haha.

I also spoke to my friend, Nate, from back at school who split with his girlfriend shortly after N and I did. We've always kept up with each other checking to see how the other is doing and just venting and encouraging each other to do the right things. His situation is a little different than mine because his girlfriend did something to cause the breakup. He is hurt because she really messed up and is now trying to get him to give her another chance. He was calling for some support and reassurance that he is doing the right thing by not giving in to her when he knows they need to be apart.

Sometimes I wonder if things would be easier if N had done something awful to initiate the break up... in a way I think it would make it easier to walk away and not have second thoughts about us getting back together. That way at least I would have something to mentally hold on to to remind me WHY I dont want/need to be with this guy. On the other hand, Im glad that I dont have to face the hurt and pain of being betrayed by someone I love and then have to hear them beg for forgiveness and still have to stand strong and make the right decision.

I dont know.

I hate that I love N so much. If I didnt love him so much, this wouldnt hurt so bad. I dont know what to do. I want to fight for us but I also dont want to settle for less than God has planned for me.

Im afraid that I will always love him this much...

My Battery is dying!!!

My computer's charge cord is broken so I have to rig it to charge my computer. Right now, its not working so I guess a trip to Best.Buy is in todays plans. So Heres whats been going- bullet style- hopefully before my 9% battery dies!
  • I dont know why but Ive been thinking about N hardcore since yesterday. I dont know if its the fear of what he will say in response to me prompting him decide what he wants out of all this or what but I dont like it. Im starting to get that "ugh" feeling in my stomach again. I guess Im going to just try to stay busy today to try to avoid that.
  • I have to go to the Dentist today :( I like my hygenist but my mouth always hurts bad when I go and Im tired of my dentist saying "wow you have a beautiful smile!" when I know hes already told that to EVERY other patient he's had that day. HA!
  • I went ahead and bought a cute O'neill rash guard yesterday at Dicks Sporting Goods. Now I feel less pressed to find a tankini. I will still look some before the trip but at least now, Im set if I dont find anything else. I tried to find a picture of it online but couldnt. Its light blue with "O'neill" on the front and back. Very simple, but cute.

Okay more later. My computer is about to die!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Help me out here.

Alright, so I'm having some conflicting emotions right now so I need to spill what I'm thinking and then get some feedback.

I was asked to go to Atlantis, Bahamas with a family that I babysit for (the one I just babysat for this past week overnight) in August to be their nanny for their 3 kids. I met the husband when he led our missions team to the Dominican Republic in 2006. I am really really excited because I LOVE this family and I know we will have a great time. I am assuming that they are looking at the trip expenses as my pay for the week because they haven't mentioned paying me additionally??? I'm okay with that because I don't see them just dumping the kids on me and then leaving us to fend for ourselves so I think it will be a pretty fun time. Of course, I would love to get additionally paid, but I understand why it probably hasn't been discussed. Anyways, that has nothing to do with what I need advice about so here is the deal...

I am a very... well... well endowed girl... a 30E to be exact. I always have an awful time trying to find clothes that are appropriate that don't give me ridiculous cleavage. As a beach local, Ive had to get over that when finding bathing suits. Ive just accepted that all I can do is do my best to find something cute that doesn't cause crazy "boobage" (ha) and just leave it at that. I am a small girl (xs, small tops usually, and size 1 or 3 bottoms) so its just really hard to find things that fit my top but don't seem to swallow my mid-section.

Anywayyyyssss....
Ive been a little anxious about the whole trip just because of the fact that I will be in a bathing suit around the husband as well as another husband who is coming too. I just feel really self conscious and uncomfortable about my chest in my bathing suit around any guy no matter their age. I don't want to seem like I am flaunting my body because that is NOT my intention when I wear a bathing suit. I wear a bikini because I am a young college student who lives at the beach and likes to get summer sun :) After a while, I started thinking about it and thought, hey you're going to be in the BAHAMAS hanging out so try to enjoy yourself, get some sun, and try to relax despite the whole bathing suit thing. It will work out.

welll.... then today, I got a call from the mom just checking up on me since they came home from vacation yesterday and she said I looked tired when I left (ha!). Anyways- she brought up the Bahamas trip and we eventually started talking about what to pack and she told me that she just wanted to make sure that I knew to pack modestly and not bring any bikinis.... Uh.... What? I mean what am I SUPPOSED to wear? A one piece? Here's where the conflicting emotions came in....

I felt relieved because then I didn't have to worry about being uncomfortable in a bathing suit around the men but then I felt mad/annoyed because that means I have to go out and BUY a one piece bathing suit or tankini that I will never wear again after this trip. When I told her I would have to go buy one, she said "oh, I just assumed that you already had one." I was just thinking... why would I already have a one piece bathing suit? I'm 21 years old and I live at the beach? Of course, I said I understood because I know that they are very careful about what they expose the kids to and they are trying to teach A (5 years old) at a young age to respect her body and to dress in a way that glorifies God and does not create sinful distractions to boys/men.

Although I completely understand why they asked this of me, I'm still... I don't know... fighting myself about being a little irritated. I don't want to have to spend money that I don't really have to buy a new bathing suit that I wont ever wear again and I don't want to spend a week in the Bahamas and get a crazy weird tan line because I'm wearing a one piece or a tankini. The tankini wouldn't be so bad if their chosen modesty didn't include "no bellies AND BACKS" which means that halter top bathing suits (whether one piece or tankini) are out of the question. Do you know how hard it is to find a bathing suit that meets those requirements? I spent the entire day running around town looking for one. A lot of the ones I was finding are so... well... old lady-ish or just awful. The one pieces either fit on top and were huge everywhere else or the other way around. The tankinis are all mostly halters and/or show cleavage. I'm stuck- I don't know where else to look and I don't want to order anything since I don't know exactly what size I would beed to fit, etc. I was trying on 8s and 10s to try to fit my top but then they were too long or really loose on my stomach/booty. To be honest, I just really don't feel any more comfortable in tankinis or one pieces than I do in my bikini... I feel like I'm old or something (sorry for those of you who may be older- nothing wrong with that :) I just don't want to dress like im older when I'm 21)

UGHHHH. I really didnt think it bothered me until I started trying to shop and thought about it more. Im pretty bothered. Please tell me if I'm just being weird or stupid or whatever. I'm just bummed. Who wants to spend a week in an awesome place like the Bahamas while feeling uncomfortable and old in a one-piece??

Sorry, I just needed to vent. Feel free to give me ideas of where to go to look (I live on the NC coast) and/or tell me I'm stupid and that I should stop complaining.

My only other option is to just buy a rashguard and wear it over my bikini to solve the problem altogether (which is what I'm leaning towards if I don't miraculously find something awesome in the next few weeks) but then that means I would have a t-shirt tan line as a souvenir from my vacation- ha :)

I don't know. HELP! (and sorry for the novel if you're even still reading this)


PS. I went over to Ns today to change his hand dressing (his stepmom refused to do it and his roomate is useless) and to give O a bath since obviously N is not capable of doing so with his hand wrapped. Its pretty gnarly- I definately almost passed out a few times. It was good to see him and get to talk to him some. I got the courage to tell him he needed to figure out what he wanted out of all this because we cant keep hanging out in Limbo for the summer. I told him to take a little while and think about it. So right now, no news. I'll keep you updated.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

ER

Oh yeah, forgot to mention this earlier. N had to go to the ER last night when he almost chopped his dang fingers off trying to hook our friend C's boat up to a ghetto rigged trailer. It was entirely C's fault and he feels awful! Fortunately N has good reflexes and the hitch only caught a portion of a finger and part of his hand on its way down instead of his whole hand and all his fingers. I have yet to see it obviously but I do know that he has tons of stitches, a broken finger, and a laceration 1.5 inch long and 1/4 inch deep. The laceration damaged nerves in his hand that cannot be fixed and will probablly result in permenant damage that will leave him numb in those areas for the rest of his life. He is on some high dose pain meds and is still in a lot of pain. He called me when he got out of the emergency room but I had my phone on silent so I could sleep so of course this morning when I woke up and got the text, I felt awful that I hadnt been there to get the calls. Its times like this that I really realize how different things are. Before, I would have been there with him when it happened most likely, gone to the ER with him, taken care of him, and nursed his wound. Now, I just feel crappy that Im not a part of all of it. It may sound stupid but thats how I feel.

Oh, and by the way- I straight up asked N why he was asking me all those questions the other day. I told him I didnt understand why he would ask me those things and then leave me hanging as to why. He said hes just been thinking a lot about all the things he took for granted and all the things he overlooked before that are now so apparent now that he on the outside looking back in. He apologized saying that his intention was not to upset or confuse me but to just work things out in his own head. Anyways- Im glad I asked.

more later.

good night.

Prayers for Stellan

I was checking MckMama's updates on Stellan yesterday when A, the 5 year old, came and sat beside me and asked who "that baby" was. I told her the child-friendly version of Stellans story and she said, "Im sad for that baby, I hope God helps him" and then went along her merry way.

I didnt think anything of it until today when we sat down for lunch and asked who wanted to pray and bless our food. A jumped at the opportunity (which is rare, she usually lets brother E do it) and this is what she said:

"Dear God, Thank you for this sunny day and that we got to go to the pool today! and thank you for my brothers and Miss A for coming to stay with us while Mommy and Daddy are on vacation. Please keep Mommy and Daddy safe on their trip and tell them that we miss them and are making crafts for daddy for fathers day... Well, dont tell daddy YET because then it wont be a surprise. And God............ Please be with baby Stellan and help his heart slow down so that he doesnt have to be sick anymore. Baby Stellan is special and even though you would hold him forever if we came to live with you, I think his mommy wants to hold him too and keep him here on earth. Stellan is only a baby and he isnt old like PopPop so he should be with his mommy. Please help Stellan be strong, God, and let him live so that he can keep helping people all over the world. Im sorry that I pushed E down under the water two times at the pool today and had to sit in the corner. I wont do that again. Bless this day and bless our yummy lunch. Amen."

I started tearing up before she was even finished. I absolutely love that precious little girl. I love her heart for others and I love that even when I dont think she is really listening, she is and she is thinking and praying for others. Nothing better than a little child to bring you back to Jesus. :)

Friday, June 19, 2009

Stuck between....

... a rock and a hard place.

Whats pretty hard about all this is that even though I know N and I need time, I also really miss him. Every single day, no matter what, I get some sort of moment that makes me sad or happy or whatever because it reminds me of him. Im not sure if I'll ever get through the day without thinking about him at some point, however brief it may be. Like Ive said before, when I talk to him, its not always good and its not always bad. Im not gonna lie (I mean, why would I? This is my blog- haha) I really like that N and I are still talking a few times a week. It helps me know that Im not feeling this way alone and it allows me to talk to my best friend. Thats seriously how I feel- that if we dont speak- It will be this huge hole. Not only because he was my partner for so long but that for the past 6 years, he's been my best friend. I love him for a reason and not speaking to him is just torture. No matter what, I know that N is going to be a huge part of who I am whether through what Ive learned over these years or what I will learn from all this. I hate that Im stuck. I want to talk to N- I really do. But I also dont want to make this way worse on myself and look back later and wonder what the heck I was doing all this time. I entertain his conversations because I want to hear what he has to say and get an idea about how he feels. Its bad, I know, but when I hear those things, It reaffirms that he IS realizing that the grass isnt always greener on the other side and that for the most part everything he ever wanted WAS right in front of his face. Given, that realization wont "fix" us but its a great step towards what I wanted out of all this. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. Its not like we broke up because we didnt love each other or WANT to make this work. We broke up because we took each other for granted and felt like we needed a time period to be "alone" to reassess our lives so that we could be a better individual or couple or whatever. I dont know what will happen in the end. He doesnt either. This is just a sucky situation. ugh.

(Thanks for the advice RB :) You were definately NOT too harsh- Im glad that you chose to say something. I hate that you guys dont know the entire story from start to finish including exactly how I feel. I wish things could be as easy as they sound coming from someone else because then I would definately be in good shape. Keep it coming!

(Sat. 8:15am) Haha, for anyone that read this post between when I posted it last night and now, you now know N's real name. haha WOOPS- I guess in my tired state last night, I let one slip without noticing it - even when I reread it! I also noticed that when I emailed one of you the other week, I signed it A and then remembered that my email comes up with my full name in your inbox- HA. Not that it really matters. I dont even know why I use letters instead of names. I guess Im just not ready for all that yet. Maybe, someday :)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I should be sleeping...

I should be sleeping... but cant... so heres an update on life

N called yesterday while the kids were at their swim lessons. I talked to him almost the whole hour while chasing the 1 year old around trying to prevent him from diving headfirst into the swimming pool. (haha) Sometimes N is so confusing. Lately, when he calls, he starts with a little small talk and then he goes right into the roundabout "us" subject. Its like hes trying to figure out where he stands and where I stand and confirm or nilch what he is thinking about. He kept asking me, "so you think you would be truly happy if we got married and had a family together?" and saying, "man, you must really love me, huh" along with some "Im realizing how much you did for me everyday that I never noticed before." What the heck does that mean? Is he leaning towards being with me again? Is he realizing that I want more than he can ever give me? I dont know.


Anyways- Ive had the kids since Tuesday night and have them until Sunday. To say I am tired is an understatement. I dont know if it's the swim lessons in the middle of nap time that is causing all this grouchiness or what but they are definately pushing every possible button there is. Its unusual because they are so well behaved and well mannered most of the time. It also doesnt help that Im back to the exhausted but unable to sleep mode so while it is 10:55pm and I should be conked out by now because they get me up at 6am, I am instead laying in bed blogging. haha. Like Ive always said though, at the end of the day- I cant help but love them :) It doesnt matter how many times they disobeyed or whined or complained or spilled cereal all over my bed (yes, that was my morning) ... my heart melts all over again when they climb in my lap for stories and snuggles :) I need to take a time out and try to regroup because Im sure all that is going on in my life is just adding to my exhaustion and I dont want that to effect the time I spend with them.

Okay- now time to see if I can get some Zs in before I hear the pitterpatter of little feet running to my bed in the wee hours of the morning- ha

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Baby Tyrus is here!!!

Head on over to Rebekahs blog and congratulate her! Her brand new baby boy finally arrived yesterday! She and her husband drove over 18 hours without stopping trying to get there in time to witness his birth! They made it! :) They have been waiting so long for this day and I am so excited shes a Mom now!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Surprises in the making :)

I am babysitting for a family with three kids starting tonight until Sunday while they are on vacation together at the Biltmore Inn. As of right now, the Husband has NO IDEA that I am going to show up tonight. His wife and I have been planning this surprise for a few weeks now and I am excited to see how its all going to work out :) I came up with the idea for her to make it like a Scavenger Hunt using notes in envelopes to tell him what to do and what to pack all without him knowing where they are actually going :)

Heres the plan"
I am heading over to their house about 6:30pm, will knock on the door, the wife will make sure that the hubby gets the door. He will be completely confused as to why I am at their door as I live 45 minutes away and dont ever just stop by to say hello. I will then hand him a special envelope from his wife and tell him to "start packing" :). That note will lead him to his suitcase which will have another envelope in it telling him what to pack and so on.

This family is awesome (They are actually bringing me with them to the Atlantis in the Bahamas in August to watch the kids- YAYYY!) and I am really glad that I get to be part of this surprise for the Hubby! They definately deserve some vacation time alone and I LOVE their kids to its a win win situation.

I will post again tonight to let you know how the surprise went - I was just too excited not to let you know what was going on! haha

Update (Wed 10:24am): The surprise went really well!!! The hubby had NO clue why I was at their door and kept saying, "are you serious?" and "Are we really going on a trip?!" haha He packed in like 30 seconds because he thought they were leaving last night :) He them came out, shoes on, and ready to go HAHAHHA His wife and I just laughed and told him we probablly should have specified that he wasnt leaving until tomorrow! :0)

I had a good night with the kids last night. A is 5, E is 3, and O is 1. They did get up at 6:30 am (AHHHHH!) but they laid in bed with me and watched Winnie the Pooh for a little so it wasnt too bad.

Ill keep you updated throughout the week. Hopefully Im busier this time around so I wont think of N as much- haha wishful thinking. :)

Monday, June 15, 2009

A Good Day

Today was a good day.

I spent the WHOLE day at the beach with my little sister, E, and then my friend L came for a few hours towards the end of the day after E left with a friend. You would think I would get bored sitting on the beach from 11:30 am until 4:30 pm but I definately do not. I got to just relax, catch up with E and L, read some of an awesome book (The Scarlet Thread by Francine Rivers), and catch some rays. Okay, a lot of rays!! Im pretty fried.. Whoops!

On my way home, I got a call from a guy I babysit for who is a defense attorney who was taking care of a "citation" that I got driving home from school in May. (Long story short, about 2 weeks after N and I decided to separate, I drove home to pick up my stuff. Right around Raleigh, I saw a cop on the side of the road but knew I wasnt speeding so I didnt worry about it. Well apparently everyone in front of me WAS worrying about it. They all slammed on their breaks when they saw the cop and so I slammed on my breaks to keep from hitting the person in front of me. Cop pulled me over saying that I was riding the person in front of me too closely. I tried to explain that I was so close because they all slammed on their breaks when they saw him and I was just trying to avoid hitting them- He didnt care and gave a sobbing me a ticket anyways. DEFINATELY NOT what I needed at that moment in time) Anyways- The attorney was calling to let me know that he had the citation dismissed and that I didnt need to worry about it! YAYYYY!

Then, I ate dinner with my family (Tacos- YUM) and went shopping for a little bit with the little sis. I got some cute summery tops even though I definately shouldnt be spending money but hey, you only live once right?!

Tonight, I am going to bunk in the family room on an air mattress because of the broken AC upstairs that was most certainly NOT fixed today even though a million people were in and out of the house all day looking at it- HA. Im not counting on a great nights sleep but I dont care because

I had a good day. :)

Even though N is usually always on my mind, I really tried hard not to let my worry-some thinking ruin my day today. Im always going to have that little hurt in my heart because he is missing from the day but today was the first full day in a long time that I felt my nerves relaxing a bit. I know tomorrow is a different day but as for today, I call that a pretty big success.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

AC, exhaustion, and O

I am EXHAUSTED but for some unknown reason, tonight seems destined to be a sleepless one.

It probablly doesnt help that the AC stopped working yesterday and leaked through the ceiling, down the walls, into the carpet and peeled off the wall paint. Its BLAZING hot in here even with multiple fans going and the windows open. With the rate of insurance claims and repairs, this may be a long hot summer!!!














On a more positive note, I spent most of the day with O :) I think I most certainly love that dog more than anything in this world! haha



















(and yes he has a crazy love of tennis balls. He carries it around with him everywhere when he spend the day with me)

I have a cute video of him playing one of his silly games with me but I'll have to figure out how to post it some other time. :)

I heard this in the car the other day and now I cant get it out of my head. I love this song and am pretty sure God meant for me to hear it that day and to continue to hear it every time I get anxious or upset.

Enjoy.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Another Downer

Okay, heres my honesty. I never call N. I never text N. I never send N emails. I always wait for N to call me because then I can avoid the possibility that when I try to talk to him, he will be busy with something, and it will hurt my feelings. Well... for some unknown reason, I felt the need last night to send him a text just to see what he was doing. I received no answer. That is very uncommon for him. He always answers my calls within a few rings when I return his missed calls and he always returns my texts within 5 minutes. Of course, my mind was/is racing trying to figure out what the heck he was doing that he didnt want to or couldnt return a text. I know- I did this to myself. I should have stuck with my "if he wants to talk to you, he'll call/text" attitude but I didnt and now Im kicking myself for it.

How it is that what other people do can affect our emotions so much? Im seriously over hating life. I wake up every single day saying, "this is it- this is the day that Im going to take my life back and start enjoying it... the majority of the time instead of fleeting moments."

Does that happen? No.

Someone dissappoints me
or
something goes wrong
or
my friends bail out
or
my parents treat me like Im 5 again
or
my little sister does something stupid that makes me cringe.

and for some reason, I allow those things to affect my emotions in the extreme.

Im ready for better. and I dont know what to do to get there.

Im sorry Ive been so down in the dumps lately- Im sure you guys are way tired of hearing me complain and be upset. Sorry :( Im really trying to figure this all out.

Update (11:00am): okay so he just called to tell me sorry he didnt answer my text, that he had a photo shoot (Hes a wakeboarder) this morning so he turned his phone off early last night and went to bed. I should be relieved and over it now that I know the reason but Im still mad. Ugh.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

Bummed.

Today. Im. Just. Bummed.

End of Story.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I'm just mad.

Warning: this is going to be an angry rant about how life is not fair so if you dont want to hear it... stop reading now.

Today. Im just mad. Wanna know why? Okay, heres why...

  1. This wonderful family should be able to just enjoy their new baby girl instead of worry about what genetic testing will reveal about why they have only 3 of thier children in their arms instead of 5. They dont deserve this. They have had their fair share of heartache and have remained faithful and positive through it all. They deserve to be able to just breathe for one stinkin minute.

Update: Little Hope is doing well and has not had any new blisters form- PRAISE JESUS!.. so Im less mad now and are so glad that this family can breathe a little bit :)

  1. This amazing woman should not have to worry that her newly adopted son may be taken away because of a glitch in the legalities of the adoption. She shouldnt have to fight the pain that his birth parents have raised because they may change their mind. She is a wonderful mother and she loves every single one of her babies so much. She doesnt deserve to work this hard to be her best and still have to deal with the added stress of all this other crap.
  2. This patient woman should already have a baby in her arms. She has been waiting a long long time and she has done EVERYTHING right through her adoption journey. S0, why is baby Mac still MIA?? She is so patient and positive as she waits for the right time for her baby to come home. I know that God has a plan but why is it taking so long??? She deserves a baby. I want that for her.
  3. I dont want to wake up everyday wondering why N cant see what is right in front of his face. He calls me every few days telling me that compared to me, everyone he meets sucks... and that he cant keep himself from comparing everyone to me and then being disappointed with them. But still... he continues to try to fill that void with insignificant stuff. We have made our decision to take some time apart and that is definately what we need but my God, what the heck is he doing? Im petrified that he's going to make mistakes that I just cant forgive during our time apart.
  4. I wish I had friends who didnt constantly disappoint me. Seriously, its pretty bad when you come to expect that your friends are gonna bail out or not call or just plain not understand when you need them to the most. All of the awesome friends N and I had together are now "off limits" in a way. Although, I know most would like to keep in touch and hang out, I cant do that to N and make them have to choose between us and make things awkward. Its like dividing forces... and they were his friends before they were my friends so Im the one who has to let go.
  5. I want to wake up tomorrow and just be... at peace with where God has me right now...

I hate feeling this way. I hate that even though I know life isnt fair, I still wonder why the heck things are the way they are. I want to fix it all and I cant. I hate that.

I hope that I didnt make anyone angry or uncomfortable for linking to their blogs in this post. (If so, PLEASE let me know and I will remove it immediately) You guys have just been heavy on my heart these past few months, weeks, or days and I ache for each of you as you struggle alongside me... on very different paths... but painful ones all the same.

Is it bad?

Yesterday, I got a call from a great friend whom Ive known since elementary school. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE her and have missed her so much since going away to school. Well.. she called to tell me that she is ENGAGED!!!!!!!

I cant even express how incredibly happy I am for this wonderful girl! If anyone deserves an awesome guy then it is definately her! Her faith in God and patience to wait for His best has always impressed me. She is a girl who is going to do great things and live life completely for the Lord!!

Although I am so so so happy for her and couldnt even contain my joyful tears when she called... It made me a little sad. What if I never get to be in that position? What if I never get married?What if I never get to feel that overwhelming joy I know she was feeling knowing God had given her THE ONE he had chosen for her?

Im scared.

My whole life Ive wanted to be a mom. Ive wanted a guy that will love me just the way I am no matter how many mistakes Ive made. I want a guy that will push me to be more like God and will challenge me to be a better person in the midst of it all. I want to believe that God has someone out there for me, whether it is N or not, but I also have this tugging that tells me to learn to be okay alone. Thats a scary thing.

Is it so incredibly awful that Im a little jealous of her?

I just always thought that eventually N would ask me and that would be it. We spent so many years together, he had become part of me... a part of me I never wanted to give up. Ive been thrown for a loop. What I want is not always what happens or should happen.

I feel guilty for envying her. I just never wanted to be here. I never wanted to wonder whether I would get to be a mom or whether I would ever find the guy God chose for me.

I know Im having a freak out session prematurely since Im only 21 and have just gotten out of a relationship but this has been on my mind ever since we separated. Theres plenty of time, I know but Im a worryer at heart and these are the things that go through my head on the daily.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I just dont know.

N calls me.

Sometimes every day.

Sometimes every few days.

Sometimes it helps.

Sometimes it hurts.

I just dont know. I like that he does this because it helps me know that he's still thinking about me and that Im not just something he can walk away from easily. I knew he loved me then, but his maturity in this whole decision has blown me away and made me realize more so why this is so hard for us. You cant just unlove someone even when you know that what you are doing is necessary for the future. Instead of just walking away and doing his thing and not thinking about how its going to affect me, he's really tried to help this transition as smooth as possible. No, that does not mean that he doesnt do things that make my heart jump up into my throat, but at least he's trying to be honest and respectful.

He's always been the kind of person who needs someone around. Whether its a good guy buddy, a good girl friend, or during the past 6 years, me. I knew to expect that when this all went down, that he would most likely start hanging out with people that I didnt know and possibly start persuing someone else to try to fill the void that my absence created. That person may not even be significant or even someone he wants to begin a relationship with- but just someone who wont make him feel so alone. Even though I hate it... I cant fault him for dealing with this in his own way. Thats not how I deal with all this but I cant make him cope in the way I want him to. It has to be his decision.

I just dont know what the heck Im doing. Its so wierd to feel so incredibly unable to control everything going on around me.

I just dont know.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

RollerCoaster Ride.

This whole thing is like a rollercoaster ride except for that its not fun. One day things are bearable and then the next, my stomach is in knots and I just want to run away.

On a positive note.. I got to spend last night and today with this precious baby boy :)

I've really missed this little guy (okay okay- I know, hes not little anymore). Hes my world and I hate that I only get to spend limited time with him. N has been great about letting me take him whenever I want, for however long I want. Its just hard because being with O reminds me that things arent the same anymore. I know that he knows things are different. When he's with me, he wont leave my side and when I drop him off, he cries because he knows I wont be home in a couple of hours like normal. Okay... I need to stop- Im gonna get sad.

Time to go get some more snuggles before I have to drop him back off.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Tubing

So....
I went tubing today with some friends in the intercoastal waterway. I had so much fun on Tuesday when we went, that I figured, why not throw in another session this week :)

I should have seen the warning signs...
  1. Choppy water
  2. Stormy skies
  3. Rambunctious guys

Well, after a pretty rough tumble when our driver so mischieviously took a turn quickly- I was ready to get in the boat. BUT NO NO NO, the two guys who were riding with me insisted that I take "just one more go." Go ahead and call me an idiot.. but I listened and well.... heres how it went

Big area of chop+guy's elbow+my face = OUCHHHHHHH!!!

YAY for tubing.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

No real reason

Okay, so Ive been EXHAUSTED since watching the boys for 9 days and since I am house/dog sitting for my older sister and her husband about 20-30 minutes from civilization- i figured this week would be a good week to just relax and hang out.

Yesterday, I decided to make the trek to town and go to the beach with a couple of my girlfriends. Well... if your girlfriends are anything like my girlfriends, you'll know that they are NEVER ON TIME!! So... after driving 30 minutes and then waiting another 30 for the girls- we settled on the beach for some reading time and catch up :) We ended up going tubing too in the intercoastal waterway with some friends and then it was time for me to head back to let the dogs out...

No sooner had I fed the dogs, let them out, and took a shower- did I get a text from N's older sister. I used to talk to her pretty regularly but I guess she wanted to lay low for a bit bc of everything that has been going on. Well, anyways, after a little small talk through text, she asks me if I would be willing to babysit for them tonight. They have two little ones, R is 3 and H is 2 months. I was SO tired but since I hadnt seen them in a while and it was a worknight (which means they wouldnt be out late) I decided to make the 30 minute trek once again to that side of town to hang out with the littles. I was a little worried about what she would try to talk about in reference to N and I. Luckily, since they were already late for their function, they gave me directions on H's feedings and R's new bedtime routine and then out the door they went saying they'd see me about 10:30 or 11:00pm.

well... 10:30 came and went... so did 11pm.... then 12am.... Finally! they got home at 1:00am.

I was exhausted and knew I needed to get back to the dogs to let them out but I guess it worked out because by then H was up for another feeding and everyone was so tired that I was able to slip out without any questioning.

I guess I can say it went pretty well considering what I expected... no awkward questionings or sobbing fits so I think it was a success.

There was no real reason for this post but here you go anyways. :)

Hope Amelia Bolte

A fellow Blogger friend, Kristy, and her family, welcomed their 5th baby, sweet Hope Amelia Bolte, on Monday June 1st! If you have never had the chance to meet this family, YOU SHOULD! Head on over and catch up on their story. They are in need of our prayers once again!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Honesty.

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be an outlet where I could spill ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that was on my mind without feeling like I was being judged or that people would look down on me for the way I am feeling. Well, I have a confession... although I have been writing a lot about how I am feeling... I have really put a sensor on information about N because... well.... I dont want people to think he is crappy just because of how I feel and what he is doing.

Then I realized... leaving that stuff out is keeping me from truly venting about my life. I have heard of many bloggers being bombarded with awful comments when they try to be honest about what is going on in their lives... and I am really afraid of that.

Lucky for me... only a couple of people even read this blog (that I know of) and they have been nothing but WONDERFUL and ENCOURAGING through all of this. First of all, I want to thank the two of you for taking the time to read my posts and even commenting here and there- You have no idea what an uplifting gesture that is for me. Second, from this moment out- I am going to really try to be COMPLETELY honest about everything going on in the N aspect of my life so that you guys can better pray for me and give me advice.

I know that my issues probablly seem so dumb in the big scheme of things to many of you. I know that there are people out there suffering from far worse problems such as infertility, the loss of a child or spouse, medical issues, etc... but this is my fight... this is my hurt... and God only knows what it takes for me to continue to move forward instead of staying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself (wow that just made me sound pathetic- ha). I just want to be honest with MYSELF... and you guys for that matter. I find myself sensoring what I tell my best girlfriends too because I just cant bear to hear their advice and "get over its" from people that are supposed to be there for me. So thats where you guys come in... :) Its awful, but I feel more comfortable telling you guys everything than I do my IRL friends.

So here it goes... honesty at its finest (I hope). :)