Friday, April 30, 2010

tgif?

Went to a baseball game last night. It was awful because all I could think of was that B and I were supposed to go to one together. But I put on my happy face and acted like I was having a good time. I hate drunk people and I hate that girls feel the need to wear next to nothing at a BASEBALL game when it is 60 degrees out and windy.

Went out with some friends afterward to try to keep my mind off B... didnt work out so well. Alcohol does not help a lonely heart (even thought I only had 2 drinks over the space of 3 hours). By midnight, I just wanted to go home and cry because of how hard this is. (I hadnt been out without him yet and it was really hard). I held it together until I dropped everyone off...

Eventually I broke.... and texted him around 1am. He had just gotten off work... so I knew he was tired... we casually texted for a min before he said he was about to pass out from exhaustion and that we'd talk tomorrow.... I said ok. I turned my phone off today. I dont know why... I dont know if it was in hopes that he WOULD call and worry because my phone was off (WHAT IS MY OBSESSION WITH THIS WORRY THING???)) OR if I turned it off so I wouldnt have to know whether he actually called or not... I just couldnt deal with the fact that he could potentially not call even though he said he would... Im an idiot... because now I dont know either way.

I didnt lay down until 2am.... and of course... I couldnt sleep... even then. I finally fell asleep at 330am... and was up again at 5:30... tossed and turned until I fell back asleep at 6:30.... only to have to get up at 8am for class. Im getting tired of this not sleeping thing.

Tonight I feel like... friends just suck. They dont mean to, but sometimes they do. I had plans with one of my best friends tonight to just 'hang out' and do nothing.... but her boyfriend came into town and surprised her with tickets to the Martina McBride/Blake Shelton concert. So where am I right now? Yup, at home. alone.

I realized that one of the best things about Blake was that I just loved being with him. It didnt matter if we were just sitting on the couch in our sweats on a friday night or whether we went out with a bunch of friends... I was just always so happy to be with him.... and I always had so much fun. It not easy to sit here on a friday night alone knowing that if we were still together, I wouldnt be in this situation... ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I am not the kind of girl who is going to call everyone I know to try to find something to do tonight.... I just wont.... Call it pride (which is what it probably is) or whatever you want... but I wont do it.

I miss him. So badly it hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. And once again, I find myself sitting here feeling lonely and wishing things could just be different.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

[Almost] Wordless Wednesday



Taking it...




...one day at a time....

...One prayer at a time...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

turned it off.

I didnt plan on leaving my phone on this past weekend while I was at home.

I was going to turn it off and just have a weekend where NO ONE could find me.

But, for some reason... I decided to leave it on the whole weekend.

I really think it was because I didnt think Blake would even try to call....

so why would I turn off my phone for nothing??

Yea.... he called me Saturday and although it was a nice surprise to hear from him, I was kicking myself for not making the statement I wanted by turning of my phone and making myself "unreachable."

This week, I decided I wouldn't make that mistake again.

I have kept my phone off since Sunday except for turning it on a couple times a day to check for important voice mails or texts.

This keeps me from wondering whether he called or not.... because I dont know if he has unless he leaves a message... and he NEVER leaves messages.

Okay, thats a lie. It doesnt KEEP me from wondering. It actually stresses me out... A LOT.... But I also know that it would stress me out the same, if not more, if my phone was on and everytime I checked it, there was no text or call from him. At least I know that there is no way to know whether he called this way.

I have not received any texts from him and I attribute that to the fact that this is our last full week of classes and he is probably slammed with exams, papers, and work. (or maybe Im just trying to make myself feel better by telling myself that)

I have received no voicemails from him either. I shouldnt be surprised but It still makes me upset.

I know it has only been 2 days since I turned my phone off, and 3 since he called me last but my gosh, this is so hard.

I dont know why I feel like me turning my phone off would make a statement....

especially if he doesnt even call.

Except for the fact that I have made a conscious decision to NOT sit in our department building like I normally do between classes this week. This should most definitely catch his attention because I am ALWAYS in the same place every single day on campus.... You would think that if he has not seen me in my normal places and has not heard from me either... he'll start to wonder.... or worry..... and call to check up on me.

and when he calls... and my phone is off (which it NEVER is).... he'll have to wonder....

Maybe Im being stupid hoping that he'll worry or wonder enough to call....

i dont know- This probably sounds crazy... it just all feels so foreign.

He told me on Friday when we talked that he still always walks down the department steps looking to see if I am at the table I always sit at and he still walks out of his Tuesday/Thursday class thinking that Ill be sitting in my "normal" spot outside waiting for him.

So I KNOW he normally looks for me....

I guess that is why I am thinking this way.

I WANT him to notice that I am not there.

I WANT him to wish I was there waiting like normal.

I WANT him to miss seeing my face everyday.

I WANT him to want to talk to me enough to call.

I WANT him to wonder why Im not where I usually am....


but I dont know what he is thinking.

I dont know what he is feeling.

But I DO know that this is killing me.

In a way, I know, in my head, that I have to move forward and not dwell on what could have been...

but in another way, I just keep waiting for this to just be a huge joke.

(sigh)

Why is this SO incredibly hard?


For the 2 months that we were together, we always ate dinner together on Tuesday nights after his night class. Normally, I would cook and have dinner ready for him when he got out of class. Last week was REALLY hard because it was the first Tuesday night that I had to eat alone and wonder what he was doing. Tonight- I knew he had his final for that class (because we had talked about going out to celebrate afterwards) and so without even realizing it... Ive caught myself looking at the clock like Im waiting for him to walk in the door for dinner. yea. not a fun thing.

then I saw his roommate's facebook status.... about how she loves her roomies and that she is excited that Blake is cooking them dinner tonight.

It felt like a punch in the stomach.

and there is absolutely NO reason why it should.

I love Blake's relationship with his roommates. I love that they cook dinner together and have movie nights and go out together.

I guess I just hate that all that is still carrying on...

...without ME there...


Monday, April 26, 2010

weekend.

I did not meet with Blake on Thursday night.

He freaked out- realizing that Id want answers and he didn't have any to give me yet.

I dont even want to go into all that.

I was hurt.

He was not being the Blake that I had met.

We met Friday afternoon, instead.

I almost decided not to meet with him.

but I did.

I dont know what our meeting accomplished...

but I got in my car immediately after he left and drove the 3 hours home.


I only got to see Olly for a total of 2 hours.

And N and I fought, again.


Should have known I couldn't just run away from all this stress and anxiety.

It seems to follow me.

---------------------------------------------

I cannot hope for things to be different.

because I have no control.

So I will continue to move forward

trying not to hope and pray for my own wants

and instead, trust that what God has in store

is better than anything I could ever imagine.
----------------------------------------------------------

3 weeks until Graduation.

Friday, April 23, 2010


Allow Your Inner Light to Guide You
by Deanna Beisser

There comes a time when you must stand alone.
You must feel confident enough within yourself
To follow your own dreams.
You must be willing to make sacrifices.
You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities
So that your final goal can be achieved.
Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.
There are times when you must take a few extra chances
And create your own realities.
Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.
Be confident enough that you won't settle
For a compromise just to get by.
Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities
To grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.
Don't stand in someone else's shadow
When it's your sunlight that should lead the way.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

wrecked.

Everything is wearing on me. All of the days are blurring together now. All I can think about is getting through the day and not crying in the middle of a public place looking like a zombie because I just feel so numb.

I am realizing a lot about myself that I forgot... I had realized them when N and I split up but as I had gotten better, so had the memories of these flaws.

  1. When I do something, I always do it whole-heartedly. Most of the time, this is a good thing, but when your heart is on the line, it doesn't always turn out okay.
  2. I allow myself to "get used to" things being a certain way, and when they change, my world is turned upside down until I can rearrange my new "normal"
  3. I keep a lot of my emotions a secret from others so that I dont have to answer stammer and try to come up with excuses as to why I look like death someone just died. (okay, maybe sometimes I DO look like death... but I dont like that so....)
  4. I am a really happy person most of the time so when I AM upset, I dont do a very good job at #3 and it is so noticeable that people I barely know can tell that something is wrong the moment I walk into a room.
--------------------------------------------------------
I have done a lot of thinking over the past week.

I spend half of the time trying to justify why I should walk away...

and the other half justifying why I shouldn't....

Sometimes, I really feel like waiting is not worth it.

but most of the time, I feel my heart breaking just to think about walking away from something I want so badly.

Here is how the last week has been....

Thursday

  • officially broke up mid-afternoon
  • (I cant get the picture of tears streaming down his face out of my head.)
  • Neither of us wanted to leave the other yet so he came with me to my house to grab some stuff, ate dinner together, and then just spent the evening taking everything in (probably not the best idea but we chose to spend that time together and we cant change it now so whatever)
Friday
  • He had to drive to Durham really early for an interview. It was really hard to say good-bye to him because I almost worried Id never get to see him again... even though I knew Id probably see him on campus sometime...
  • heard from him briefly after his interview at Duke
  • the only time I left my bed was to take my exams (yes, multiple exams after not studying) in the morning and to go to work that night.
Saturday
  • Woke up thinking how badly I just wanted to go back to sleep so I wouldnt have to face the truth...
  • Decided to go for a run out by Blake's apartment (there is a really nice neighborhood down the street that I usually run in.) I didnt park at his place like I normally do. I parked in the neighborhood. I cried the whole 30 minute run. In a way, I think I went because I hoped he would be out running too.
  • I got home, and just couldnt take it anymore. All of the emotions from the past few days just spilled over and I called Blake. He knew I wasnt okay. I asked if I could come over so we could talk- he said he was just about to ask me the same thing.
  • Spent a few hours together (bad idea, by the time we both left for work, he was furious and I was bawling my eye out because of how hard seeing each other was....)
Sunday
  • Went to church wondering if he would still come after everything that happened. He came. He apologized for not calling but didnt know where we stood after the day before. He said he was really glad I came. We sat together and I wanted to cry the whole time.
  • I Hoped he would ask me to hang out afterwards even though I knew it would be a bad idea to see each other again....
  • Went for a run out towards his house and saw him as I was heading out and he was heading back in from his run. (I knew he was going out for a run but I had already planned to go regardless so I decided to go anyways)
  • He told me to text him when I got back to my car.
  • I did. Asked him if he wanted me to come up for a min. He said, "I dont know, Alli. Maybe we can meet up some this week." I agreed although I hated it.
Monday
  • He came by where I usually sit on campus to "say hey" before he left to go home.
  • told me to call him when I left campus... I was surprised.
  • I called around 4:30pm and he didnt answer.
  • He ended up calling back before he went to work.
  • Texted me when he got home from work. "Im home, xoxo"
Tuesday
  • Saw each other on campus after his class. I contemplated even going to campus because I feel like us seeing each other everyday (however brief or unplanned) is not giving him the chance to miss me but I had stuff to do.... so I caved.
  • I felt lost when he went to his office to work on a paper when he knew I was sitting on the same floor doing my own work.
  • I blogged for the next hour before my class instead of doing my work.
  • Our internet went out after dinner and Ti.me War.ner refused to send anyone until Thursday. Out of frustration... I called Blake because I knew that he'd make me feel better.... I almost wished he would invite me over to use his internet but I knew he wouldnt... it was late already... He told me he was going to bed but that if I couldnt sleep, to call him back.. I knew I would never do that even though I KNEW Id be up because he'd be sleeping and I wouldnt want to wake him up.... When we got off the phone I texted him.... "It was really good to hear your voice. I know I see you everyday but its just not the same... I really miss you." to which he replied... "I really miss you, too..."
Wednesday
  • I chose not to sit in our department's building because I knew we needed to not see each other.
  • I did not hear from him at all (no call, no text, nothing)
  • I realize that B and I are supposed to go to a wedding on Saturday (yes, of course I realized it sooner but I didnt know if he would still want me to go so I tried not to think about it) and begin to think more about whether I should ask him if he still wanted me to go or just assume he didnt and go home for the weekend
Thursday
  • Worked until 1. I had class at 2 but I had to meet with a teacher at 1:30. I thought Blake would be gone by then and I wouldnt have to see him.. I was wrong. I saw his car parked where it normally is on my way to campus. Tried to avoid looking towards his graduate office because I knew he was there and that I shouldnt see him...
  • He sees me as he is leaving and he stops by to say "hey"
  • I could feel the knots in my stomach tighten because I didnt know what to do or say... I felt like he was coming by because he felt like he had to.
I went to class at 2pm and was so overwhelmed and frustrated that I couldnt even lift (its a weight lifting class). I thought I was going to scream. I literally picked up my bags and walked out 25 minutes into the class. I walked straight to my car. I had been trying to decide whether I would contact Blake about whether he wanted me to go to the wedding with him still or go home to see my family knowing that he could very well contact me later in the weekend to go to the wedding or just meet up. I was completely torn and didnt know what to do. Now, with how overwhelemed I was, I decided I couldnt NOT talk to him.

I texted him when I got to my car to see if he had to work tonight. He didnt answer. I was already at a state of... "I have to speak to him to get some answers" that it wasnt an option to just wait so I called. He didnt answer... I freak out... think about all the reasons why he wouldnt want to talk to me... when he calls back.

He tells me sorry, he was on the phone with work and they are making him come in tonight. I asked him if he would be willing to meet up with me after he gets off. He agrees but seems really concerned. Asks if Im alright. (NO, Im not alright but I tell him that Ive just been thinking a lot and we need to talk).
--------------------------------------------
We are going to meet up tonight when he gets off.. when that will be... I dont know.... but I do know that it is necessary if I am going to feel content with my decision to stay at school or go home this weekend.

I want to go home because
  1. This is probably the last weekend that I dont have to work before I graduate.
  2. I cant stand the thought of being here at school and knowing he is here yet having the possibility that he will not contact me at all (even about the wedding).
  3. I want to see my parents but I dont want to be questioned about everything with Blake. (They know we broke up but they dont know the details).
  4. I want to hug my baby sister and I want to touch my older sisters growing baby bump and help her fold baby clothes and decorate the nursery.
  5. I want to sit on the beach and spend some time with God in a place where I always feel calm... but I am afraid that even the beach wont ease my troubled heart
  6. I havent been home in a month because I wanted to spend every waking moment with B.

I want to stay at school because
  1. I am broke and shouldnt spend money on gas
  2. I dont want to have to answer to my friends back home who dont know that B and I broke up yet.
  3. I am afraid that it will be just as stressful to go home as it would be to stay here
  4. I dont want to miss an opportunity to hang out with Blake
  5. what if Blake DOES want me to go to the wedding with him and I am 3 hours away when he asks and cant get back in time.
I know that my reasons for staying at school revolve around the fact that I dont want to miss out on seeing Blake and I KNOW that it shouldnt be like that. I should go home BECAUSE of things with Blake and not let myself think of the "WHAT IFS" that stand if I choose to stay or go.

I guess I am going to pack up as if I am going home and see how tonight goes with Blake.
----------------------------------------------------------

All I know is that I need answers. That is the whole point of me seeing him tonight.

I need to know where he is.

What he is thinking.

How he is feeling.

If he is favoring one side vs another.

I need to know if he thinks about me when he lays down at night...

and when he wakes up in the morning..

I need to know whether he wants to hug me when he sees me or whether the feelings just arent there anymore.

I need to know whether he thinks about me as much as I think about him

I need to know if he regrets his decision

I need to know whether there is any hope for us...

Because if there isnt... I need to move on... and if there is... I still need to decide whether waiting is the best thing for my heart.

I say that like it will be a conscious decision to wait for him... or to walk away... when in reality I know its not. I can SAY I am going to walk away but that doesnt mean that my heart will let go and stop hoping for a miracle... OR I can SAY that I am willing to wait but I know that my heart will be in tiny little pieces by the time things are said and done.

I dont know what to do..

I am anxious to meet with him...

I am worried I wont say everything I need to say...

I am scared that he wont say the things that I want to hear him say...

I dont know what he is going to say and I dont know if he has even had a chance to work ANYTHING out in his head. He had a crazy week at school and has had to work 10-12 hour shifts almost every single night since we broke up.... Even though he tells me I am not... I still worry that I am bothering him and pushing him away.... I am trying to give him space to work things out in his head... but its really hard to give someone space that you feel like you cant live without.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I should have known...

... not to let myself try again this soon.

... that I wasn't ready

... that Id get my heart broken...

... that life doesnt usually give happily ever afters...



But how could I have known?





I fought it.

I didnt want to let him in.

I didnt want to make myself vulnerable.

But I didnt have a choice.

It was so easy.

It was bliss.

He was perfect.

He was exactly what I wanted in a husband and more...

Until she came back.

Everything changed when she came back.

I dont want to be number 2.

I dont want to be 2nd pick.



One of my biggest flaws is that I will always choose someone else's happiness over my own

because I cant stand to see someone I love hurting...

so in this case, No. I cannot hope and pray that she breaks his heart again

if they do end up back together

because even though that means I might get him,

it also means that he will be hurt again.

I dont want to care about other people sometimes...


I dont know what to do with myself

I dont know how to act

I dont know how to think

I dont know how to navigate this awful road Im on again.

You'd think....

"You've done it once, you can do it again."

Right?

Nah... not that easy.

When I see him, my heart still jumps and I smile

before I even realize that things arent easy anymore

and I have no reason to smile.


I just dont know what to do.


Sunday, April 18, 2010

Broken

These are my raw, personal thoughts. You may not agree with them or feel that I am justified in feeling this way but at this moment in time, this is how I am feeling. Broken. I know that you guys have been a huge source of encouragement and advice over the past year and for this reason, I dont want to hold back. I may start including some of my personal prayers for my own documentation and as always, your words are much appreciated.


My Savior,

I am lost and I don't know where to go.

I am broken and I feel beyond repair.

I need you and I don't know where you are.

Almost exactly one year later, I find myself on the same exact floor, crumbled in defeat, crying out your name and praying that you will hear me and make this pain go away...

but its still here.

It still rips at my heart and bears down on my soul until I cant seem to catch my breath.

I need you now.

I live my life in doubt of everything. I didn't used to be like this but over the years, fear has grown deep within me. That fear controls my every thought... my every action... I just cant shake it.

Doubt has its hold on me... it is the reason I cannot let go and let You take the reigns and it is probably the reason I cannot see You in this storm yet. I look around and I doubt that you are even there.

It seems as if it doesn't matter whether I give it to You or not because life is hard and it will still hurt. There is no way out- No where I can go where it cant get to me. I dont want to be in this place. I dont want to feel like I cant eat... or sleep... I dont want to feel like I am so broken that I am beyond repair... and I dont want to feel like it wasnt worth the risk.

Im scared that the pain that I have felt over the past year will never go away... I thought it had... but it was just hiding and waiting for a time when it could creep back into my very being.

One year ago, I surrendered myself to You again. Even though I felt like my world was falling apart, I put my trust in You and believed with all that I was that you would not let me go through that much pain if there wasn't something better on the other side.

When I met Blake, I felt it in my heart... and deep into my soul... that he was who You had chosen for me. HE was what you'd been preparing me for over the past year. I believed that. I trusted that you lit that fire in me so that I would know that it was okay to try again.

I didnt mean to allow myself to love him so much. I fought it. I knew that I could not handle being hurt again like that... but I could have sworn that I heard your voice tell me that it was okay... that you had chosen him specifically for me... and that it was time to let down my guards and let someone love me the way that you had intended.

Now I just feel stupid. Stupid for believing that happily ever afters really do exist. Stupid for feeling like once in my life, I could be lucky enough to have someone amazing who treated me right and made me truly happy. I feel stupid that I did run the moment I found out that C had contacted him. I just feel stupid for believing things could actually turn out right for once.

Am I being punished because I let myself love him more than I think I love you? I dont know how to make myself love You the most because sometimes I cant find you there. I cannot touch you or feel your arms around me or hear your voice when I need it...

Did I let myself fall for him too quickly? Did I let him tear down walls too soon!? To be honest, I had no choice, it happened without me even realizing it. I loved him from day one but only because I felt like it was okay.

Why did you bring Blake into my life, Lord? I want to know... I need to know. I dont want to believe that You sent him to me to hurt me. I want to believe that what I felt that first night I spent with him was real.... I want to believe that the joy and contentment I felt inside was not just a dream and that it was your intention for me. I want to believe that in the end, my gut feeling will have been right.

Everything was so perfect... so perfect, in fact, that I waited for the shoe to drop. Well it did.... but just a little too late. My heart already belonged to him by the time C decided she wanted a 2nd chance and I cant get it back. I cant make him not love her... but I can choose to not make the same mistake twice. I refuse to be second. I refuse to stay with someone who cannot be 100% committed to me at this time. Even though he is not with her now, I know that he has to work a lot of things out in his head and in his heart before (if ever) he could be with me.

The bad thing is... I understand. I understand what its like to love someone but be so incredibly afraid to give them another chance. I understand what its like to KNOW that you shouldn't give that person another chance but want to anyways because you just HAVE to know, for your own sake, if what you feel is real or just how you've always felt without reason anymore.

I dont know what will happen and Im scared.

But I do know that I cant do it again... I cant keep feeling this way... I cant open up my heart to someone just to be hurt and I cant go through this heartache again.

I have nothing left... absolutely nothing.

I know it's selfish for me to think this way.... but isnt it my turn? Isnt it MY turn to be happy after all this heartache? Dont I deserve a happily ever after... after all that Ive been through?

I need you... Jesus.

Im here.

Wont you meet me?

Friday, April 16, 2010

Its over.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

In the midst of "limbo..."



... I should have known things could get worse more complicated and stressful.




Disclaimer: No, nothing new has happened between Blake and I so you can exhale! :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday, as many of you know, was 1 year since N and I broke up. As I can never get dates out of my head once they are there, I woke up knowing exactly what day it was. I thought about it, got out of bed, and continued on with my day just like it was any other. That is, until I checked my emaill and found a message from N that simply said,

"One year, today."

FIRST OF ALL, I was completely SHOCKED that he even knew what day it was since he can barely remember his own birthday and SECOND, what the heck am I supposed to say to that??

I chose to not reply and received a text later on that day asking if I had received his email. He wanted to know if I had known what today was before I got my email. (uh, are you kidding? of course, I know what today is, dumbie) We texted back and forth for a minute, me asking about Olly, and him trying to get the low-down on my "new shiny boyfriend" as he always says (????) since he cant seem to just talk to me anymore even just casually without referencing to the fact that Im so "happy and loving life now that I have him out of my life."

He kept asking specifics about Blake and I's relationship that I just didnt feel like he should know considering that he is my ex and its none of his business so I refused to answer them.

He got mad, insisted I tell him

I refused

he flipped out

I decided to just tell him what he wanted to know even though I knew he'd get upset because I just didnt want to hear him go on about it anymore

Just like I thought...

He got mad.

I informed him that HE was the one who wanted to know.

He was still mad

Decided he

  • NEVER WANTED TO TALK TO ME AGAIN!
  • WAS GOING TO BLOCK MY NUMBER FROM HIS PHONE (EVEN THOUGH I NEVER CALL OR TEXT HIM)
  • WAS GOING TO BLOCK ME FROM HIS FACEBOOK (EVEN THOUGH WE WERENT FRIENDS ANYWAYS)
Yes, ladies (and gentlemen if there are any), I did what he wanted me to, and I, yes I am the one who got yelled at in the end.

I am going to assume that even if he planned to allow me to see Olly again before, he most definitely wont let me now.

Oh, the joys of trying to please people and getting screwed because of it.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

On the Blake front, I still dont know.

I had an exam today that I was cramming for all day and didnt really get to talk to him much. He came by campus for a second to see me before going for a run but other than that, I hadnt talked to him since this morning.

I got outta my test and called him when I got home (around 4:45- knowing he had to work at 6)

He didnt answer....

Of course, my mind immediately starts coming up with reasons as to why he didnt answer....
  1. He's in the shower
  2. He left his phone in his room & he's in the living room watching tv
  3. He actually had to work at 5 and was already there trying to start early so he could leave early
  4. He's with C...
Yes, I feared that he was doing #4. I know she lives out near where he works and I hadnt talked to him ALL day really so he could have easily gone out there early to see her... is that something I would have thought he'd do had I not spent 6.5 years with someone who lied to me all the time? No, probably not. But that is besides the point.

I know he trusts me... and it kills me that I have looked in his call and text logs without him knowing now that I know that C wants to be with him again (Yes, I know- its awful- save it for another day). I already knew this week would be really stressful for me since I have 4 exams so I decided that I would not look in his phone (even if I had the chance) because if there was something in there that would upset me, it would completely ruin all of my chances of focusing on studying and doing well on them if I knew awful things. I had SO many opportunities to look last night (when he was in the shower, going down the hall to put his laundry in, etc) and I chose not to... for my sake... for my GPA's sake... for the sake of me trying to graduate with a 4.0 and having only 4 weeks left to maintain it.

I know that me looking in his phone is ridiculous and untrustworthy and I shouldnt do it... but my fear keeps me from listening to my conscience... I want to trust him and not feel like I have to do it but Im am SO afraid to get hurt! I guess I feel like if I find things out myself and dont have to wait to find out later, then I can walk away before he hurts me. Its dumb, I know and sitting here typing this, I am completely embarassed that Ive let myself get to the point where I am DONT trust a guy that I SHOULD trust...

OH MY GOSH! What is wrong with me???

What would you do?

Would you check his phone behind his back for peace of mind?

or would you keep yourself from doing it and keep telling yourself that the truth will come out eventually??????

He eventually called about 5pm and said sorry for missing my call but that he was in Barnes and Noble checking his email and getting some stuff done before going into work (the B&N is right next door to where he works) and didnt want to disrupt all the people around him reading.

That should have eased my mind, right???

WRONG!

Oh no, MY mind immediately thought, "OMGOSH did he meet with C at Barnes & Noble before work?" or "OMGOSH Is he lying to me and he was actually NOT even at Barnes & Noble but was with C instead and THATS why he didnt answer?"

Yup. Sadly, THAT is what I thought.

Seriously? I am one F-ed up girl... Why cant I just be like a normal person and be able to RELAX FOR ONE FREAKIN MINUTE!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, and on another front, B has an interview for a job on Friday that is NOT in my hometown NOR in the town we go to school currently. I should be really stoked about it for him but instead, my selfish butt thinks about how IF he gets this job (which I think he will), I wont get to be with him in the same town if I also get into my program. I am bummed that we talked about him moving to my hometown during the 2 years I am in school if he doesnt get into his program the first year...

It is completely ridiculous for me to want him to throw his dreams away for me...and thats definitely not what I want- I just want him to want to be with me so badly that he will make it work so that we are in the same place AND still be able to go to school and get our degrees.

Isnt that what every girl wants?

A guy who cant stand to be apart from them?

Yes, thats what I thought, too.


Sorry for the novel...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Im sorry I have not posted an update but I do not have one to give...

Things are still in limbo with Blake and I and I am trying to be understanding and give him time to think and work things out in his head before we (meaning him) decide what to do.

I know that at some point, I am going to have to put my foot down and give B the ultimatum... I just dont know when that will be. How can you put a timeline on something that you never thought you'd have to deal with?

I know he needs time, this isnt something he expected to have to think about but I can only take so much for so long.

Basically, C has told him that she misses him and wants to be with him again. Obviously, I am the reason he has not decided to do so at this point.

I know this came out of nowhere for him as they have not spoken in 5 months (since she left him) and that it is throwing him for a loop. On one hand, the girl he thought he was going to marry has asked for another chance while on the other, he is happy and enjoying his time getting to know me and being with me. He is having to think about something he never thought he'd have to think about again.

He has been very honest about everything but it still doesnt keep me from regressing into my constant fear that he is not who I think he is. I fear that he is lying, or not where he said he is, or feeling a way he is not telling me (yes, all of this is stemming from my relationship with N and there is absolutely no reason for me to feel this way with B)

No, he is not in constant contact with her. This isnt an issue of him being with both of us and needing to choose one. Yes, he does have to choose one, but he is with me... at least at this moment. Every time he has spoken or seen her, I have known and we have discussed it.

I want to be with B... More than anything in this world. He makes me so happy when I am with him but once again, the fear is taking over. I feel myself pulling back into myself to try to create a barrier so I wont get hurt... Im pretty sure its too late for that.

The majority of the time, things are completely normal between us. We laugh, we joke, we snuggle, we talk- we just enjoy being with each other. I make myself put everything with C on the back burner most of the time so that I dont ruin Blake and I's time together. I dont know what will happen in the end but I do know that I dont want to waste my time with him worrying about what may or may not happen in the near future.

I know this is extremely hard for him. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. He knows I am hurting. He knows I am scared and Im sure he knows how deep Im having to dig to maintain composure in this situation.

Some days I am almost positive that he will choose her. Why? I dont know. I just have a feeling in my gut that I am not lucky enough to actually get to spend my life with him. No, he is not perfect. No, I dont like that he is putting me through this.... but I do know that there was a reason he came into my life and I hope with all of my heart, that it is to become my husband and the father of my children.

Other days, he will say things about the future that makes me know he at least pictures me there. "We are definitely going to see Kings of Leon when they come in September!" "We should try to go down to Charleston sometime soon to see Doug." "When do you work on Sunday?- I wanna make sure we have time to get up and go to church."

I am on edge and trying to get through this week of exams without going crazy with nerves and anxiety and stress.

I know that whatever is supposed to happen will happen and that there is nothing that I can do about it... no matter how much I think about it... or worry about it... or pray about it... but knowing that still doesnt keep my stomach from being in knots, my heart from feeling like its breaking, and my mind from running wild.


Im just scared.

----------------------------------------------------------------------


In reference to my last post, it was already scheduled to be posted today, April 13...

One year since. (N and I broke up)

One month until. (I graduate)

One lifetime to live. (and only one)
One year since.

One month until.

One lifetime to live.

Friday, April 9, 2010

This may not be my happily ever after...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I realized yesterday in a panic that I have never just flat out told Blake how important he is to me and how much I care about him. Considering that he was going to be talking to C sometime soon (I actually think they spoke today but I am not sure)... I vetoed all school related work (BAD BAD idea) and sat down after work to try to put my thoughts onto paper.

2 hours later, I folded up my letter and sealed it in an envelope.

I feel such contentment knowing that I have made it clear to him what he means to me. I dont ever want to regret not telling him things and then look back and wonder if things would have been different had I told him....

I have decided it is out of my hands now that I have said my piece (well except for the fact that it was NEVER really in MY hands :) )

I have been completely calm all day today even though I knew today may be the day that he talked to C but now... as I wait for him to get off work... Im starting to get a little nervous....

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.... Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Trust in the Lord with all your heart....


I guess Ill see sooner or later...

Definitely left this in my draft box!!!

Sorry Ladies, I totally didnt realize that I didnt publish this after I told you guys about B! This is in response to my "How we Met" post back in March! (hahaa!) Wanted you guys to know you are loved even when Im MIA... or forgetful! :)

Nicole-
SO glad you commented and thank you for following along!! I look forward to getting to know you more through our blogs! :)

Nikki- I PROMISE I am still reading every single one of your blog posts! Im really slacking in the commenting area right now but I think about you every day!!!

KHS- So good to read your last few posts! I love that everything is falling back into place for you! Cant wait for the next newsletter so I can see those beautiful children of yours!!

RB- YES! You WILL be getting an wedding invitation if it turns out that way and I MOST CERTAINLY will expect your butt to be there!! :) A great excuse to finally meet in person! :)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Knob Creek

About 2-3 weeks after Blake and I started dating, we went to a bar/restaurant with some friends to watch a band play. While we were there, Blake saw a platform with "knob creek" etched into it with 4 Knob Creek glasses on it and FELL IN LOVE WITH IT! He probably said how much he liked them 3-4 times before we left a couple hours later.

Ever since then, I had been on the search to find one just like it so I could suprise him. I had looked EVERYWHERE!! Knob Creeks official site, online sites, etc and just couldn't find the complete set.


I decided to just go down to the bar and ask if I could buy it off the bar... might as well TRY, right??

The FIRST time I tried, the place was closed.

SECOND time, it was packed and I couldnt find a parking spot

THIRD time (Last Thursday), I brought my roomie with me and had to circle around the block 3 times before I finally found a parking spot and was able to go in.

I had gone to the ATM beforehand so I could pay for it easily IF they let me buy it but I knew that it was a long shot that they would let me buy it right off the bar.

I walked in, and saw the bartender that had worked with us that night (not sure he recognized me but whatever) and sat down at the bar.

Heres how the conversation went... (PS Bartender (BT) was SUPERcute! :) haha

BT: Can I help you?

Me: I sure hope so.... (pointing at the set)... I need to buy this off of the bar :)

BT: (Laughs) Uh... I dont know if I can do that... haha

Me: My boyfriend and I were in here a few weeks ago and he LOVED it and I have looked EVERYWHERE for it and cant find one so I figured I would just come right to the source- haha!

BT: ahh... well youre going to have to tell your boyfriend that it may not work out...

Me: Yeah... thats the thing... I cant tell him that because I am trying to surprise him

BT: Ohhhhhh gotcha, well let me take your name and number and the next time our liquor rep comes around, Ill ask him to bring us one and Ill try to put it in the back for you

Me: Oh, that'd be awesome! How often does he come around?? (Im thinking like a few times a week and I could have it within a few days)

BT: About once every 2 weeks (Oh crap, this means that the soonest I could get it would be 4 weeks and I was wanting to surprise him before the Duke Game on Saturday)

Me: Oh.... (probably making an awfully disappointed face)

BT: When did you need it by??

Me: Well... I was hoping by Saturday....
At this point, the Bartender seems WAY deep in thought and Im thinking he's about to tell me thats never going to happen... but then he looks around and says....

BT: Oh.... F*** it! Is your car close??

Me: (COMPLETELY CONFUSED) Um... yeah? Its out front.

BT: Like RIGHT out front??

Me: Uh... yeah????

Then he PICKS UP the platform and cups and says....

BT: Hurry up! My boss is in the back.

and he seriously walks out from behind the bar and walks out the front door to my car, opens the door and places the set on my roomies' lap...

The WHOLE time Im freaking out saying, "how am I going to pay you for this?" and he keeps saying, "Girl! Just dont worry about it- ur good"
I thank him a million times before he tells me to "get outta here before he gets fired" (haha!) and then I drive away- the whole time saying, "That did NOT just happen, that did NOT just happen!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

At first I really felt bad about letting him give it to me but then I remembered that liquor reps bring things like that to the bars they deliver to in order to advertise their product. The bar doesnt pay for it- they just allow it to sit out so that people will see the liquor name repeatedly
OH MY GOSHHHH! You have no idea how crazy it was. I never could find the platform online but I did find cups similar to them and they were being sold for $20 a pop and the platform held four. Im talking like a $100 gift right there and you all know IM BROKEEEEEEEEEE so I was stoked when he decided to just give it to me (not quite sure he was even allowed to make that decision but... ya know ha!)

Long story.... short long.... :)

I couldnt wait til Saturday to give it to Blake so I gave it to him Friday morning instead and he LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!

Im so so so so so glad it worked out! It now sits on a shelf in his living room and everytime we walk by, I see him glance over at it and smile! :) Man, I love that boy!

Heres a picture of it at my place before I set up pictures of the two of us around it to surprise him. Sorry its hard to see but it is definitely a BEAUTIFUL set!


and THAT, my friend, is the only time I have ever felt like I have stolen something to surprise someone I love. (HAHA!)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

In regards to this post....

B & I had a serious talk on Sunday about where we are and what we want out of this relationship. I expressed my concerns about his ex and I feel that he was completely honest with me. He didnt just tell me what I wanted to hear and that felt good- He told me some things that made me uneasy and he told me some things that kept me confident that giving my heart to him isnt a mistake.... He told me that he is just in a place of uncertainty right now about life in general and where he is gonna be in 3 months but that he is 100% in this relationship with me.

I do believe that I am doing the right thing by pushing him to talk to C and get some closure about the whole situation... okay.... I take that back... I dont know that Im doing the right thing.... I am just hoping that I am. Although it scares the crap out of me not knowing how things will turn out... I am trying to constantly remind myself that God already has a plan and no matter how much I worry and freak out... it will not change that his plan is perfect and I should have comfort knowing that the Lord is in control. :) If B and I are meant to be together, then the Lord will make it happen regardless of the bumps we hit along the way.

Praying for comfort and contentment in His will and in His way.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief:

  1. Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  2. Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  3. Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  4. Depression (I don't care anymore)
  5. Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I am pretty sure that I have regressed back into Stage 2....

Why?!

Because my stupid idiot self clicked over to N's fb page today because it came up on my feed and saw THIS status.... with a picture of the basket

"holy shit. definitely just got in my girl's car to an easter basket with a buncha candy, sherlock holmes on blu-ray, and call of duty modern warfare 2 for xbox360...Colin is gonna like this...most amazing girlfriend ever :) "

Why am I angry, you ask?!

Ohhhhh well Im angry because I ALWAYS made him an easter basket and he NEVER ONCE announced it on facebook how amazing I was! Hell, I made him something special for every single holiday known to man almost just so he would know that he was important to me and I knew his family wouldnt do it! I ALWAYS went out of my way for him and he NEVER even batted an eye...

THAT is why I am angry...

THAT is how I know he didnt love me...

THAT is how I know that he wasnt meant for me....

Just F***ing sucks to be seeing in in hindsight.

I will never say that I regret my time with N....

but I am seriously starting to wonder why I wasted 6.5 precious years of my life with someone who didnt even appreciate me...

PS N has not responded to any of my last few emails or texts.... I know that this means he has decided he will not allow me to see Olly anymore and Im furious... I havent told B because I know he will feel like it is his fault.... and I dont want him to think that but I wana get mad about it... I wana cry about it.... and I want someone there to hold me and help me through it... and I know I want that person to be Blake.... but I dont want him to feel bad either... I am so overwhelmed by how awful N has been to me.... I miss my Ollydog...

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Update: "Bullet Style"

  • My PSB test (entrance exam to Sonography program) went... well... as well as I guess it could have gone considering that I didnt start studying until the couple days before. I will get my results within 5 days and then if I meet the cut-off criteria, I will have a meeting with the admissions direction sometime in June to review my eligibility.
  • I am COMPLETELY over school! I have NO motivation and I am trying REALLY REALLY hard to keep up with my work. I did get a letter last week about getting another scholarship- which is SO helpful! So now I am just waiting for it to show up in my student account because Lord knows, IM BROKE!!!!
  • My parents are really coming down hard on me for some reason right now. I am frustrated that they cant just let me handle my life on my own. I know that they are my parents and that they love me but they have to let me figure things out on my own sometimes even if its something as stupid as bringing my car in to get serviced (YES, there is a story behind this but I dont have time to tell it)
  • I have been having so much fun getting to know Blake. We went to the Zoo one weekend, Oak island last weekend, and we're planning to watch the Duke game tonight with some friends (NO I am NOT a Duke fan but considering that my Tarheels arent in the Final Four, I guess Ill have to pull for Blake's team... even though I am NOT happy about it!) :)
  • I have been fighting myself. I can feel myself falling more and more in love with Blake and although I want to let that continue, I can already feel the fear coming back and the walls going back up....
  • There is nothing in particular that he has done that has made me feel this way... I guess I see subtle differences in how he acts and instead of writing them off like the normal person, I overanalyze it and get nervous that something bad is going to happen...
I need your help on this one, Ladies...
Before me, Blake dated a girl for 3 years- they broke up in November. Given, I knew going into this that I had a headstart on the whole "being ready to date" thing since N and I split last April but I know guys are different than girls. Anyways- B has been VERY honest with me about the situation and has expressed that she broke his heart and he feels like she took a piece of him with her (I completely understand this bc I feel the same way about N) and that sometimes he feels like he doesnt have the capability to love again.
He ran into her for the first time since they broke up about 2 weeks ago and called me immediately to tell me and reassure me that I dont need to worry at all but that he wanted me to know. Well.... last night while we were out with some friends, I saw him receive a text, get a really confused look on his face and then put his phone away.... the next time a text came in, I saw that it was her.... It said something like "well let me know if you change your mind and want to talk...." I didnt get to read the whole thing.... but... that gave me the impression that she had asked to talk and he had said no.... Of course, I start freaking out a little anyways but I choose not to say anything because Blake's good friend was in town and I didnt wana ruin the night for him by bringing up something like that while we were out.
By the time we got back to his place later on, I just couldnt pretend something wasnt bothering me anymore.... and he could tell. He asked me what was wrong and I simply asked, "did you talk to C?" Without hesitation, he told me yes, that she had texted him earlier and asked him if they could talk- that she wanted to see how he was....and that he had said no and that she had said to let her know if he changed his mind.
I trust Blake and I know that he would have told me... I am just scared. I know that they didnt split because he wanted to so I am afraid she wants another chance and that he will leave me for her. I KNOW that this is no way to live and of course I expressed my concern to him.... He told me that he doesnt want to talk to her and that he wants to be with me, not her, but that it does suck that he doesnt have closure about the whole situation since he didnt know why she broke up with him in the first place.
I told him that even though he doesnt want to talk to her... he should. Just to clear things up and get some closure.

Ladies- Im freaking out a little. I know what is supposed to happen will happen and that I am the one pushing him to talk to her.... but I just dont want to be with him knowing that he didnt get a chance to get closure about the whole situation. No, I dont want him to choose her or go back to her but I do want him to be completely sure that he wants to be with me if he is. I dont want him to have any doubts and if it takes him talking to her about what happened 5 months ago, to do that, then I want him to.

He asked me last night, before I even said anything to him about C, how I knew I loved him...

I thought for a moment....

and then told him....

"Because even when Im mad at you, Im just really happy that it's you I get to be mad at."

And ladies, thats the truth... I know he makes me feel like me again and I love him for that.

Im scared that I finally found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with... and that it wont work out...

I just know that my heart cant go through this again.