N's mom has been married 3 times. N's dad, twice. His mom left his dad when N was 8 and took her fair share of his dad's money. N was fought over. Was put before a judge and asked who he wanted to live with. He was bribed. He was manipulated. He was the middle man in a nasty divorce. He witnessed his mom hit his dad while his dad just stood there taking it all. He was found in a bush hiding with his dog the next morning by the police. He has a wonderful father who is still broken and paying for that divorce but would give him the world if he could and a mother who is still so self-absorbed and dependent that she makes him feel guilty every chance she gets.
I am not telling you this to try to make you think that I came from a perfect family and he from a broken one.. because that is not the case. It's just something that I have had to fight against for the entire duration of our relationship- something I didn't know anything about- His fear that what happened to his parents will happen to him... that what his mom did to his dad will happen to him... that what they did to him as a child, he will do to his own.... unintentionally, yes but there nonetheless.
The thing is. He has never admitted that fear... until today.
I have always stuck with N through hard times because I KNEW I was the ONLY one who would... who has. He expected me to leave when things got hard... just like everyone else in his life at one point or another. He expected me to give up on him... just like everyone else. He subconsciously pushed me away to prevent himself from getting hurt. He hurt me... broke me down... and each time that I stood strong and stayed by his side, he realized I wasn't like everyone else. Each time this happened... a little piece of that wall that had been constructed throughout his childhood, was broken down... until he could see me, still there, over that heap of rubble. I have witnessed him being transformed from what he was to who he is now and I saw through every single statement he made because of fear for what it really was.
If he never fully gives his heart to someone, then it cant be broken. If he always has the upper hand, then he'll never be out of control. If he doesn't use the word love, then he'll never know the hurt that goes along with it. If he never gets married... then divorce will never happen. If he never has children... then he'll never be able to hurt them the way his parents have hurt him.
I've always known these things... and Ive worked hard to show N that what happened between his parents will not necessarily happen to him. Its HIS choice... He can either succumb to that fear and stereotype or fight against it.
Today, we had a really rough conversation. It ended with me in tears and him completely shutting down. Then, when I got on facebook tonight, he immediately messaged me and revealed the very fears that Ive always known were there.... (know that it is not characteristic of N to open up and share his fears and feelings so this was very unexpected...)
"one day u will wake up, and be bored with us, and then ill get f**ked up or ull find someone better than me or both and everyone's life will be a sham. Everyone involved including possible children will get f**ked up. its a lose lose. There is really a very slim probability that you will always be into me and us. no one will put up with me and my baggage forever. no one is like that, how can i trust that you are? how can anyone trust anyone like that?"
What do you say to that? How do you convince someone that the unhappily ever after that his parents had is not an irreversible curse bestowed on him??? So I told him..."You just have to trust me." I would think that he would know I was in this for the long haul after 6.5 years but apparently the reason for our breakup was more about fear of the future and rejection than anything else.
Then I got this...
"im sure my mother promised my father all that shit till she was blue in the face, he believed her, and now hes 60 and hes still working when he could've retired at 45. My mom was considered good looking and she knew it. she knew she could just find another, u don't realize how good looking u r and eventually you will and someday you're gonna realize that u can have anyone u want and i will be left in the dust. there is no way i can maintain the upper hand over a life period"
Here's the thing N... "I am NOT your mom. I have NEVER been your mom. I will NEVER BE your mom."
I know you may think that me quoting him may be too personal and if he knew, he would probably agree but I feel like things have come full circle to what I have been trying to make him see this whole time. What was defining about our relationship is still the foundation of his fears. The thing is now...He is not only realizing his fears... but he is admitting them. No, this does not mean that things are going to be "fixed" but its a huge relief to know that I wasn't fighting for a lost cause that I just fabricated in my head.
I have never been able to explain to anyone why it is so hard for me to let go... and this is it. I have spent our whole relationship showing him that I wont give up no matter how hard things get or how bad he makes it sometimes... Its instilled in me.... Its part of me now.... fighting for N has become as 2nd nature as breathing itself because it's what I've always done. Does that make sense to anyone?! How can you stop doing something that you've spend almost a 1/3 of your life doing?