Sunday, December 26, 2010

Resentment.

The grieving process is a peculiar thing.

After all the hurt is somehow bandaged up and left to heal, something strong and unmistakable begins to creep in when you least expect it. It comes without you realizing it but when it rears it's ugly head, there is no mistaking its presence.

When something like this happens.... you deal.... however you know how.

Sadness turns into confusion...

... which turns into hurt...

...which turns into anger....

...which turns into resentment.


Resentment.
- noun
- anger, bitterness, or ill will.


I resent Blake.

There.

I said it.



I resent Blake for making me believe what we had was something special.... something he valued.

I resent Blake for telling me he loved me and talking about marriage and a family... then walking away.

I resent Blake for letting me picture our lives together... our future home... our future children... and then shattering that dream right before my eyes.

I resent Blake for sucking me in and then spitting me out.

I resent him.



Yet, I still miss him.

I still wouldnt change taking that risky step of letting him in.

I still wouldnt trade our time together.

I still grieve his absence.



I know I need to let go... because it is more than clear that he is never coming back...

but its so hard to do that when you love someone despite all they've done to you.

I think the reason I cant hate him is because I know he was in an impossible situation. He didnt know that C was going to come back after 7 months of silence. I know he was trying to move on from her and that I was the one (for whatever reason) who he met. I know he didnt meet me and begin to date me with the intention of hurting me. I know he was just trying to pick up the pieces of his life so that he wasnt waiting for someone who may have never come back. I understand all that....

but I still resent him most days.


I wanna scream at him,

beat his chest as hard as I can,

and tell him he crushed my hope that 2nd chances are real.


Ive been through hell once...

Ive been through hell a second time...

and I am scared to death to get sent back a third time.


Its not his fault.

I know that.

Its my fault for reacting the way I have.

For letting myself fall for him and for belieing that 'Happily Ever Afters' do exist.

It is my fault for letting myself become vulnerable; for letting myself love him.

For falling away from God because my resentment for Blake has somehow continued on to my Savior.

I take the blame.


but at the end of the day, I still

love


cry for



miss



grieve over



yet resent Blake.





Wish I could shake these chains Satan has ensnared me with.





{sigh}

Saturday, December 25, 2010

12 to 13.1

That is...

12 weeks until I run 13.1 miles (Half marathon)

I am very well aware that I am crazy considering that I havent really ran in oh... about 7 weeks... aside from a 4 mile trail run the Saturday after Thanksgiving which I ran on a whim following 3 weeks of running hiatus. HOWEVER... Im going to do it and its going to be WONDERFULLLL!

:)


Ive always wanted to run a marathon before I die and considering that you have to start somewhere, I figured RIGHT NOW is a great time to start by trying a half marathon first.


I need some...


structure


stress relief


alone time


exercise


...in my life and this seems like a good way to keep myself moving and happy this winter with a set goal at the end of the road!


I am so excited but also scared that the cold and long work days will keep me from sticking with my training plan. My bff Kelly is going to run it with me but she lives in Raleigh, NC so we are on our own for most (if not ALL) of our training.


Words of encouragement are welcomed at any time :)


Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas! :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

tid bits with UPDATE

  • I have almost all my Christmas shopping done!
  • I hate how Christmas has become less about Christ and more about presents. It stresses me out having to find something for someone instead of just getting it because i want to.
  • I survived my 70 hour week last week - but barely.
  • My little sister has informed me that she doesnt believe in God. Huge blow. She has been purposefully saying things like "Jesus Christ" and "God Da**" around me just to upset me. Not a good thing. Lots of prayers would be appreciated. I feel like I cant do anything.
  • I have been trying to maintain a civil relationship with N because of our history and Ollydog but its hard. Most days that I talk to him, I want to rip his head off because of how closed minded he is.
  • I rear-ended someone today. I wasnt paying attention. It was totally my fault. She was really sweet and we decided to get everything done between us instead of getting the police involved, etc. I dont have the money for this right now.
  • I have kids overnight tonight and the mom has awkwardly decided that I need to attend the kids' christmas parties at school... i know no one... the kids are old enough tht its not cool to have moms dads or babysitters come to school to see them. I really dont want to go.
today is starting to suck big time

UPDATE
We had a windstorm tonight.

The wind knocked their basketball goal over.

Onto my car.

Friday, December 10, 2010

This week may be the end of me.

Ive spent 110 hours with the kids I babysit for in the past 7 days.

I love them but I need a break.


Ive decided to reapply to the Sonography program in March as long as none of the dates have passed already. I may take a class or two to up my chances but overall, I will be going in hoping for the best.


I considered nursing school briefly and then realized I was crazy.


Im so NOT ready for Christmas. Ive bought one gift out of six. Even finding a gift for my niece, Finley, is becoming a challenge bc they have requested only one gift from each person so that their home isnt overflowing with toys and such, esp when she doesnt even know whats going on quite yet.


I am looking into taking a vacation sometime in January just to pamper myself and hopefully give me some breathing time before making some big decisions. Big question is whether Ill be able to find a friend who has the same availability and finances and I and would like to join. We'll see.


I promise I am alive and still reading, just not talking that much :)