Monday, May 31, 2010


I really really hate this.

Friday, May 28, 2010

He came quietly,
Like a ray of sunshine on a gentle breeze.
He danced among the wilted

and gave her life again.

He waltzed in the fields of forgiveness
and tiptoed through the brokenness,
healing wombs that had become
the signature of her blooms.

Then, just as quickly as he had come,
he was gone.

Taking with him, the joy and hope

she had long waited for

in that field of withered promises.

There will be no details. Im sorry. (Thank you RB.)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Blake is marrying C.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


He apologized for everything he's put me through.

Said he missed me and thought about me all the time.

Knows that if circumstances were different

that we would not be in this position.

Said he picks up the phone more times than he can count

to call me and then realizes he cant be selfish.

He has to follow his heart and see what could be.

Said he prays every single day

that I will be able to forgive him

if this leads him back to me.

Hopes in his heart that I will wait

but doesnt want me to nor does he expect me to.

The thing is...

he doesnt have to ask me to wait...

because my heart wont let me stop.

He held me so close, I couldnt breathe.

Showed me his heart.

Beared his soul.

Did not hide his emotions.

Was completely honest.

Promised that we'd see each other again.

And then I walked out of his life

one more time.

Friday, May 21, 2010

more confused now than i was before.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

In four years.....

I have....
  • completed 127 credit hours of classes
  • passed 48 University courses
  • taken over 100 exams
  • written over 80 papers
  • spent 100's of hours in the lab
  • never pulled an all-nighter
  • received 4 scholarships
  • been on the Deans List 8x
  • been on the Chancellors List 8x
  • maintained a 4.0 GPA
  • been awarded the highest award in undergraduate studies (Student Excellence Award)
  • chosen a new career path
  • gained a brother-in-law
  • met some amazing friends
  • fallen in love
  • gotten my heart broken... twice
  • learned a lot about myself
  • realized that Life isnt always what it seems

I am meeting with B tomorrow to talk and return each others' things. I should go ahead and prepare myself for the worst because he said he had, " some things he needed to tell me." :(

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I graduate....

TODAY!!!! :)

Monday, May 10, 2010

Before the Morning

Behind my smile is a hurting heart.
Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart.
Look closely at me and you will see,
the girl I am...isn't me.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


About a month into Blake and I's relationship....

I began to get really excited.


Because I finally felt like it wouldn't be long before Id have to think of a new name for this blog.

I'd met an amazing guy who made me feel like I was on top of the world.

I woke up every single day asking God what I did to deserve such a "breath of fresh air" after the storms Id been through.

I had finally found the person who I believed God wanted me to spend the rest of my life with.

"Ramblings of a Healing Heart" just didnt seem to fit anymore.

I felt like I could finally see the light at the end of this tunnel of heartache and pain.

Boy, was I wrong.

He texted me.

Original Post (May 7, 5:15 pm)

Blake just texted me... after 2 weeks of no communication whatsoever.

it said...

"Just wanted to say hey... im at work but just thought bout u lately n wanted to say hey"

My heart literally stopped when I realized it was from him.

but what does that even mean?

one.... he IS thinking about me. I was afraid he wasnt.

but two... "just thought about you lately?".... that makes it seem that he wasnt thinking about me before but that he is now... I know Im overanalyzing it and he's probably just saying, "Ive been thinking about you..." but I cant help but question everything.


I havent responded.... I dont know what I'd even say if I did.

I know that if I do respond, it wont be until 10 or 11 tonight. I dont want it to seem like I am sitting by the phone waiting for him... which Im not. I just dont know what to say... I have so much I want to tell him but I know I cant... even now.

But... I dont want to NOT respond because then he may interpret that as I dont want to talk to him.

I didnt expect this.... and Im scared that I will find false hope in this and that it will make things even harder than they already are....

Oh Lord... help me.

UPDATE: (May 8, 1:30pm)
I sent a text back about 10:45pm last night just saying, "hey, its really good to hear from you" I didnt get a response which I expected considering that I waited 5 hours to respond and my reply really didn't warrant one. sigh. I dont know how this will affect me... but it hasn't changed the fact that I miss him.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

hard day times

This week has been really hard.

I've tried to stay busy... but its hard to want to stay busy.

I've filled my days with as much as possible... going from one thing to the next... not leaving much time to think... or worry.... or wonder....

but it never fails... thoughts of him always find a way to creep in....

so in response... I stuff more into my day.

It finally hit me today. I just couldn't stand to be around people anymore.

I was sitting at the pool with some girlfriends... and I just had to get out of there.


This is not how I should be feeling during my last week of undergraduate studies... I should be really excited that graduation is so close but instead, I just feel numb. I went to the Honors Convocation to receive my Student Excellence Award last night. I was the only one there alone... the only one without parents or friends or a boyfriend there to sit in the audience and be proud of my accomplishments...

The hardest part is that I dont know what comes next. Blake made me not care that I wouldnt know about my program until June because HE was what I looked forward to- I couldnt wait to spend my days with him without the stresses of school. To be honest, it was the first time in my life when I didn't care one bit if I got into my program... I just felt like if I didnt, that God had other plans for B and I.

Now, I just have waiting.... and lots of time to myself... and no idea what will come next.... no plan B if I dont get in... no idea what I will do with my life. I hate to say it... but even in the short time Blake and I were together, he became more important to me than any program or degree or house or town or career. I didnt care what I did... as long as I was with him....

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

"The very worst part is that the
moment you think you're past it,
it starts all over again."

- Grey's Anatomy

Monday, May 3, 2010

I can keep myself busy all day and night long....

but the second I lay down...

he's all I can think about.