Just sat down and wrote out a really long post and then decided that I'm not sure I am ready to post it yet. So into the draft box it goes.
Meanwhile. Today is my last day with the boys overnight! Wahoo! Like I said, I love my job but I am SOOOOO excited to sleep in my own bed and see my family! 8 days is a LONG time to play Mama, especially when you are continuing to sit for your regular families on top of it all. (Yes, some of the week I have had 7 kids- 3 of them are way older so its definitely do-able but it means absolutely no breaks for me)
I have some big changes coming up in the Fall that I will be posting about soon and definitely need some input from all you Mamas out there. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE :)
...... Do kids this old REALLY not know..... how to clear their plates after dinner? Or put their dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor? Or follow directions the first time? Lord, Help me.
..... Is my sister and her husband and baby REALLY gonna live with us for the next 9 months while their house is being built? I totally love them but man, thats a lot of people in the same house!
..... Amber from TeenMom, you must seriously have a mental disorder that makes you believe you are the victim in EVERY situation. Seriously. You are the worst Mother I have ever seen. Do you not see the awful things you are instilling ALREADY in your TWO YEAR OLD! Do you really not hear how awful you sound when you speak to Gary?! Do you not realize that these are serious things that can RUIN YOUR LIFE if you don't get your crap together. Come on, girl.
..... I have been trying to get my (almost) 1 year old niece to say my name- "Aunt Say" (Reason why I am called this is another story for another day). She has been really into saying, "dat" for the past couple weeks. She says "Dat" for "Cat" and points to things all day long and says "Dat?" for "Whats that?" but today she started pointing at me and saying,"Dat?" (Whats that?") I kept telling her, "I'm Aunt Say. Can you say Aunt Say?" Yeah.... didnt work. She continued to point and say, "dat" OVER and OVER and OVER again. So either my niece thinks Im a cat or she still cant figure out what I am.... sad. ;-)
I know I did the right thing ending things with boy.... so what I want to know is...
why the heck do I feel so crappy?
I did everything I could do to keep my mind off the fact that I was supposed to be in Ohio this past weekend with him (yes, I told him I would not go). I went out on the boat with some friends on Thursday, took one of my "littles" that I babysit for on a "Date" to the Children's Museum on Friday before babysitting that night and then headed straight over to another family's house to start an 7 day long overnight job 2 days early.
What else am I supposed to do?
I cant make myself any busier than I am.
It doesnt matter that I felt like God was telling me boy wasnt the one. What matter rights now is that I know I hurt him (even though he understood) and I have no idea what the past week has been for him. For all I know, he's been fine but it still makes me feel guilty that he could be still upset with me.
Im rambling, I know.
But how do you keep walking away from something like this when you feel so bad about it?!
Do not get confused. I will not be contacting him nor getting back with him because God made His intended path very clear to me but Im just thinking outloud right now.
So, not sure if anyone still reads this thing but figured if anyone was, they might want to know what happened Friday.
Thursday night, boy and I hung out and for some reason it was incredibly awkward. All I wanted to do was get out of there... idk why. He seemed on edge so it put me on edge and by the time he tried to kiss me goodbye, it was so uncomfortable that I didnt even know what to do.
Friday, I woke up like any other day. No "Im going to break up with boy today" thoughts or anything outside of my usual reservations and concerns. As the day progressed, I became more and anxious and uneasy and couldnt put my foot on what it was. It was like the Lord was trying to tell me something but my mind was so busy and loud with thoughts about boy and the night before that I couldnt even hear His message.
By the time I got home that night, I was almost to the point of tears because I knew God was making me uneasy for a reason but I didnt know if it was boy or something else.
My brother was in town briefly and came to visit. We ended up talking about the whole boy situation. He was so great just listening to me and letting me say what was on my mind. He didnt say much during our conversation. It was more just me needing to reason it all outloud.
By the time he left I knew what I needed to do. :(
Never have I ever been 100% sure that I was supposed to be with boy.
Like I have said before, he is so awesome and he is everything I would ever want in a husband but there was always something missing between us.... something I couldnt put my finger on.... but that missing piece always left me confused and concerned and scared- unable to move forward with him.
You cant marry someone you dont connect with, right?
There were things all along that made me feel like everything was perfect, except for the fact that there was no spark....
When boy put his hand gently on my leg, I felt nothing.
When he kissed me....? Nothing.
When he would wrap his arms around me to hug me goodbye?
If I saw him, it was great.
if I didnt see him, it wouldnt ruin my day or make me sad.
Seriously, when I say this boy seemed "perfect" for me, I am not overexaggerating.
The way he responds to me is amazing.
The way he listens to me is astounding.
The way he looks at ME and not through me is reassuring.
The way he is everything I am not, makes me feel understood.
Its like he fits me easily.
But I could never get us to that next level emotionally.
I prayed for weeks that the spark would find its way to us and that I wouldnt have to walk away from a guy that I really really liked. It never happened and I have to be logical in the situation.
I knew I didnt want to lead him on or hurt him in any way.
So I told him how I felt. He agreed that if I wasnt sure now after all this time, then It probably wasnt right. He knew that he couldnt make things any different than they were and neither could I.
I feel selfish in ways.
I feel guilty.
I feel hurt.
I feel sad.
I feel angry.
The worst part? His best friend is getting married 12 hours away on Friday (21st) and we were supposed to go together. Obviously I will not be accompanying him anymore and it makes me feel like crap.
Sometimes the right thing to do is not always the easiest.
I am very much at peace with my decision. I know I did the right thing. I realized that the Lord did not intend for me to ever walk down the aisle with boy. Unfortunately.
I am going to choose to be grateful in this matter.
Grateful that the Lord loves me enough to lay conviction on my heart and mind even when I am trying to do things my own way. I am grateful that he is making me walk away before anyone gets really really hurt. Before I have a ring on my finger from the wrong man. And before I have children whom I have to drag through a divorce.
I will choose to be grateful today.
And every single day until the Lord reveals his perfect plan for my life.
*****(Boy and I have had numerous conversations about my reservations so he knew EXACTLY how I felt and knew all about my reservations and concerns. He was NOT in the dark here. He was not blindsighted when we finally had the "break up" conversation. He knew there was a possibility that our issues would not work themselves out and that we could very well find ourselves in this place.)
I am STOKED to announce that J and G's daughter was born yesterday!! SO EXCITED FOR THEM! Send some prayers their way as they wait for TPR to be signed!!! I cant wait to see her beautiful little face!!!!!! Love ya J!
**** Melissa, for some reason blogger wont let me comment on your blog- ugh! But thank you for the comment! I love this quote so much and am glad that it connected our blogs! Nice to "meet" you! I look forward to following along! :)
Ive had reservations about boy from the beginning. (as you can tell from me taking my month long break) but something has always kept me feeling like I should give this one a chance.
We had a huge issue 4th of July weekend about him setting expectations and then being disappointed when they didnt happen. To make the story short, he was being a needy little girl and if you cant tell, I dont deal with crap like that.
The Tuesday after the 4th, we talked about the issue over the weekend and decided to take a few days to process before talking again.
We finally spoke on Saturday night- by that time I was so annoyed and over the situation, that I walked into it with the intention to just tell him this was way too hard and how could we expect this to ever work if we are having issues like this already.
the Lord really redeemed us during our talk.
I literally dropped all my reservations and doubts in his lap (very bluntly, might I add....) expecting him to have the typical guy response.....
he most definitely did not respond the way I expected.
He was so understanding and mature when it came to what we needed to do to gain clarity in the relationship.
Ladies, this man is awesome. He loves the Lord so so much and it radiates off of him with everything he does. All I know is that no one is perfect and I needed this discussion to happen in order to knock him off that pedestal in my mind. (I almost felt like he was too perfect for me before).
I know Im being very vague but I am just over talking about it and want to move forward.
I have no idea what the Lord has in store for boy and I but I do know that he is clearly telling me to trust HIM and wait it out.
We are going to his hometown in Ohio at the end of the month for his friends' wedding. I do think that the trip will give us a better idea of whether we see this working out or not.
I do really like him... he is everything I would ever want in my husband and the father of my children. My reservation lies in whether there is THAT connection... that spark... that a marriage needs to last.
Am I attracted to him?
Is he awesome?
Does he love the Lord?
Is he established with a job and home?
Does any of this matter if that connection isnt there?
I have really separated eliminated the physical aspect of this relationship for the main reason that I have had physical relationships in the past with I do not want to fall into that trap again.
I want Christ to be the center and I want our relationship to be led by truth, not feelings or physical encounters.
I think that somewhere along the way, I forgot to add the physical part back in (boundaries are already in place, yes) and now I just have this fear in it becoming part of our relationship. Im not sure why but I am.... I guess its something I need to give over to God.
The way he responds to me is unlike anything Ive ever experienced. He gets me when I feel like no one else does. He listens to me and really seems to genuinely care about what I think. He is gentle. Respectful. Yet bold, too. He is calm when I am panicked. He is quiet when I am loud. He is understanding when I am judgemental.
I see such a potential. Yet sometimes I dont. Im not sure if fear is keeping me from seeing this as something that could work or if this is really not meant to be.
I guess only time will tell. Until that time when I know, I am just going to try to keep trusting that the Lord's plan for me is great and he will bring it to full completion in HIS time.
I read this over onJ's blog (LOVE her!) and absolutely LOVE this quote so I wanted to share it with you!
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."
— Maya Angelou
This is exactly what I want for myself. A man who loves the Lord enough that he seeks Him in order to seek me. How incredibly breathtaking to think of a life where your husband seeks your heart in your Heavenly Father? I pray that I will be blessed with a man like that one day.