Wednesday, December 30, 2009

N came to pick up Olly today.

I always tell myself that its fine and that Ill see him in a little while but its always hard anyways.

Im dreading going to sleep without Ollydog there beside me :(



Monday, December 28, 2009

What happened Christmas week?

N is a jerk. Ive officially decided. I have gone through ups and downs the past few weeks as he calls to tell me how much he misses me and how I was "the best thing that ever happened to him" but then turns around and goes to visit his new gf's family for the holidays. Im way over it. (As you know I have been for a while!) but even more so now since he is being so ridiculous.

For example... Remember back (right after we broke up) when N decided to go through his drinking phase and would call me drunk every night?? Yeah, well I sat home and cried myself to sleep on multiple occasions because I would worried about him but I kept my mouth shut and let him experience whatever it was that he needed to experience during our "time apart." I prayed that this phase would be quick and painless and that he would learn quickly that drinking does not make the problem go away- it just makes you forget for a little bit but at the same time- it makes things more complicated and worse off when you sober up. He figured it out eventually but not for many months.

Yeah well I never went through that phase nor will I ever go through that phase. One time is enough for me and well.... I had my one time "head hanging over the toilet" experience about a week ago at one of my best friends house. NOT FUN! I didnt even go out with them when they went because I was already puking my brains out- Gross, I know. Anyways- I guess in my, first ever, "drunken" state- I called N to pick me up. Luckily, He was sleeping and did not answer but he most definitely did not hesitate to yell at me and make me feel guilty in the morning because he says I am "not the same person" and the Allison he knows would "never ever get drunk."

***Well news flash, N, I did not go into the night PLANNING to drink too much- nor did I plan on calling you to come get me- nor did I plan on hanging out with a toilet seat squished up against my cheek for hours as I emptied my already empty stomach. Nope, sorry- Not the plan but sometimes things dont go as you planned and I can thank YOU for that.***


Although that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN (YES, it was THAT awful- Vodka is NOT my friend), I am glad (okay maybe not GLAD- but whatever) that I have experienced it and can now move on. Ive never been one to drink (as you all know) but sometimes I just get so jealous of all those people who can go out, drink, and temporarily forget their troubles. I know that drinking it not the cure all- or the answer to just about anything- but I did it- cant change it- and I will now move on and never do that again- ya know, the whole hanging over the toilet thing. :)

Anyways- the whole point of this is that N had decided NOT to go with his gf to visit her family out of state for Christmas (well at least that's what he told me...) because things were "rocky" and decided that it would be better for him to stay here.

but when he found out that I had drank... he decided to go to spite me... When I found out- I most certainly sent him a not nice text telling him that he sucks and that I don't know why I ever let myself believe that every word outta his mouth wouldn't be a lie. I sent that on the Sunday before Christmas (the day he left) and on Wednesday (I am assuming the first time he turned on his phone to get messages)... I received this..

"Don't respond to this message. I didn't lie to you about coming up here. I called her and told her Id go after I found out that you got drunk. It was a f***ing mistake, Ive thought about you every night Ive been up here and I'm pretty stuck. Hope you don't hate me too much, cuz I'm being punished for it. I wanted to show you how different I was in a good way, but I turn around and ur different now. Didn't really know what to do. I don't even know what you've done while Ive been done. Anyways- this sucks and Im sorry I made the mistake of coming. Hope you're well."

Well of course I'm furious and send him some more choice words and I tell him that he is not stuck unless he accepts that he is stuck. His response? "I don't have any money to change my ticket to come home."

Here's the thing.... theres always a way out and he decided to take the easy road and not work to get out of his "predicament." That told me a lot and to tell you the truth, it reminded me why I am in the position that I am in.

I hate to say it, but I still care about N- even after all of this- and everyone once in a while, I forget how mad Im supposed to be and I just feel sorry for him and of course, sorry for me that Ive dealt with this for the past 9 months. I wonder what it would be like for us to ever get back together and I quickly realize that it would be impossible because I dont trust him one bit anymore and I would not be able to forget about him dating her and putting me through hell.

I would ask him to give me Olly again to try to get away but at this point, I have no where to put him back at school since my subleaser fell through and I have to stay in my "NO DOGS ALLOWED" apartment with Roomie (who is going through an awful breakup with psycho boy right now and is really needy and wants to talk to me ALL THE TIME). However, if N did offer to give me Olly- I would most certainly take him and then just hope that my friends at school dont mind a doggy roommate for 4 months :) haha

This is a crappy situation and I just dont have the energy to try to work it out. Im adopting the "it will work itself out" stand because I just dont want to deal with it right now.



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Oh and PS, Collier got drunk last night (WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE GETTING DRUNK AND THEN CALLING/TEXTING MEEE???) and texted me saying that he regrets not giving us a chance and that he thinks that we "click" and that theres something about us thats different from other people. I was WAY confused as to where this was coming from since I told him (more than once) that I was not in a position to want to date and that I do not blame him for dating M. He just kept saying that he doesnt know what it is about me that gets to him so much but that he cant help but want to talk and hang out with me.

???????????? I reminded him that I was not, nor am I now, in a position to want to date anyone and that Im glad we are friends but that he should not be talking to me about this kind of stuff since he is dating someone else.

I guess he sobered up by this morning and texted me apologizing for what he was saying since he knew it was inappropriate.


WHAT THE HECK?? I'm starting to think that drama follows me. What do YOU think?!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Cheers

N came home today and I was way bummed about having to bring Olly back to him....

AND THEN....

N called to say that his condo is infested with FLEAS!

I told him I would not bring Olly back to a flea infested house and that I was going to keep him until he could "resolve" the issue.

My mom and I sprayed our whole house just in case and I gave Olly a flea bath and monthly treatment.

N came by to bring me O's flea stuff and I could tell it was really hard for him to be at my house and see me after so long. He left in a hurry and told me later it was because it upset him to be in a place that he misses so much.




I know its awful that Im glad his place is flea infested but Im just stoked to have a few more days with Olly :)

Oh and by the way- N asked me to "give him until I leave for school and if he's still f***ing up then I can write him off." Not sure what he meant by that but my response?...

"Ive given you 9 months, N."



CHEERS!


Saturday, December 26, 2009

I survived...

my first Christmas without N in 7 years...



and I am proud to say....

not even one tear was shed!

(dont think I didnt want to cry because I did but I chose to celebrate what I have instead of what I dont have!!)

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

SO much to say... SO little time

You'd think that Id have tons of time to get you guys updated now that Im out of school but that is SO not the case.

I am sorry fellow bloggers that I have been so boring.

But I DO have LOTS to tell you!!! :)

Ill be back soon- Promise!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Im really sorry....

... I know this site is so inappropriate...

....But it's just....

SO

DANG

HILARIOUS!!!


www.textsfromlastnight.com

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

How do I feel about that?

YESSS! Exams are FINALLY over! NOOOOO! I do not have my grades back but..... I WILL be returning to the blogging world for the next month without any school work to tie me down :)

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Hmmm... I knew this question was coming :)

In response to your comments on my previous post....

I dont really feel anything.

Why?

Bc Im pretty positive that I wouldn't seriously want to date Collier. {at this time anyway}

I came to that conclusion because...

when I found out he was dating the girl... it annoyed me that he would do a jerk thing like that (bring me on tuesday, start dating her sunday)... but I wasnt hurt or upset that we werent going to have a chance to get to know each other better (in a relationship/dating sorta way)

Now, dont get me wrong-

Hes a cool guy and Im glad we are friends- but at this point, I cant see myself dating him so the fact that he says that he was putting off dating her bc of me... is a little... hmmm... I dont know... Should I feel bad? haha

I mean, if he was SERIOUSLY interested in dating me... dont you think he would have TALKED to me about it before he gave up and moved on to the next girl in the space of 5 days?

I dunno, just something to think about, I guess.

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SO GLAD TO BE HOME with NO SCHOOLWORK on the horizon! Time to knit (HAHA I like it!), read lots of books, watch tv, and RELAX with my Ollydog (when I have him).

Sunday, December 13, 2009

So....

Apparently I was the reason Collier was putting off dating his current girlfriend.... (his words not mine)

But he thought I didnt like him more than a friend so he felt he should just give up.

Interesting...

Friday, December 11, 2009

Welcome Duggar #19!

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar had their 19th baby yesterday at 25 weeks gestation.


Josie Brooklyn
December 10, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Weighing 1 lb 6 oz

Josie is in the NICU but is stable and doing well for her size. Michelle is also doing well.

Whether you agree with their large family or not, I ask that you join me in prayer for Michelle, Josie, and the rest of the Duggar Family! Josie has a long road ahead of her as she grows and gains strength outside of her mommy's belly!

F.Y.I. I LOVE the Duggars so if you dont agree with them, I dont want to hear it! :)

NO WAY!

I won a pair of Brooks Running Shoes tonight at our Tech training at work!

Who knows when they will actually get to me butttt...... Im still excited!

I NEVER win anything!- EVER!!

Im stoked!!

AND my phone is still working!... and it doesnt even stink yet!!! :)


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Milk

+

Cell Phone

=

NOT GOOD.


I am officially without a phone and Im pretty pissed about the reason. How the heck does a phone drop DIRECTLY into your glass of milk when there are a million other places it could fall when you drop it?

I immediately took it out, de-covered (I think I made that word up) and wiped it out. It didnt seem like it had gotten to the inside since I got to it so quickly. The phone was turning on and I could text, call, etc. Then I received a text and the sound was all scratchy and gargled so I took the back off again to see if I had missed drying some of it out. When I tried to turn it back on... nothing happened.

AT&T Customer Service is no help because I "cannot turn on my phone" so I have to wait until morning to try to get someone at the AT&T Store to fix it or give me another phone. I have insurance on it but Im sure they will still charge me big freakin bucks to fix it or replace it.

Wanna know why? Because even though things haven't been easy with exams and other untold drama (yeah I'm sure all that will come out sooner or later), I feel like I'm finally getting to a good place. I should have known that I couldn't have that feeling for TOO long... Something HAD to go wrong, right?

And lucky for me.... it came in the form of....

A cell phone in a glass of milk.


UPDATE
I finally got it to turn on- I guess it just dried out enough to function again. Not sure if I should go to AT&T.. I mean what would I say? "Hi, I dropped my phone in a glass of milk last night and then it wouldnt turn on... but now it does... can you fix it?" HA! Yeah so Im gonna let it dry out more overnight and hope and pray that it continues to work and does not start to smell. Ew. I sure hope that doesnt happen. I was pretty close to crying over spilt milk for a minute there.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Monday, December 7, 2009

Is it over yet??

Finals (Fall 2009):

Swimming Written Final
History and Philosophy of Sport & Exercise
Biomechanics
Business Communications
Chemistry II


2down, 3 to go

Friday, December 4, 2009





© 2009 M.T.Campbell

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Speed LONG Update

Heck, you guys should know I dont know how to give a "speed update" so heres the best I could come up with. Im way behind, sorry.

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Thankgiving was hard.
Not only was there an empty chair at the table
but there was drama between N and I about Olly.
He tried to say I couldnt take him for my whole break
because he didnt have anymore excuses to tell HER.
I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! That is YOUR fault
and I want my dog. He did his best but only gave him
to me for Tuesday Night (LATE) until Friday (Midday)

I LOST it when I dropped O off Friday.
Had to go to N's dad's office to get a key
because N didnt leave the door unlocked
but insisted I drop O off before He got back
with HER!

I broke down in his dad's office. Told him
EVERYTHING. He understood- asked if he could talk
to N about everything. I said "yes, as long as this
doesnt come back to bite me in the butt that
I talked to you"

Couple hours later, N calls- asks if Im okay?
He talked to his dad. His dad told him I was so
upset when we talked in his office. N & I talk.
Apparantly I made him feel guilty
so he asks when I can come get Olly- PERMANENTLY.
I say right this second. He says let me call you back.

Calls me back- changed his mind AGAIN. I freak out.
We fight. He says he cant give Olly to me- he loves
him too much that he promises to take better care of him
and that he will never tell me I cant see him.

We fight. BIG TIME. I tell him that I wouldnt be with
him right now even if he asked me. He says fine, because
he doesnt want to be with me. I say that I dont know why
he still says we are friends because all we do is fight. He says
he doesnt want to talk to me until I come home for Christmas
to get Olly. I say thats fine, as long as he sends me updates of
Olly and makes sure that I know O is fine. He says okay.

I head back to school on Saturday Morning.
Couldnt take being at home with my baby boy
by my side. Its awful. I meant to get lots of work done
(since I got nothing done at home) but instead spend time
running errands, sitting around, catching up on blogs, watching
a movie with a friend and drinking a whole bottle of wine (almost)
by myself. My friend thought it was funny. He laughed. (haha).

After my day of nothing. I had to jumpstart myself on Sunday.
Sat down to write a 5-7 page paper on Sunday night only to
be interuppted by a call. from N.
I answer, confused as to why he is calling when he clearly said
he did not want to speak to me for a couple weeks.

He sounds upset. Tells me he needs to talk to me.
I say "I dont want to hear anything about you and HER so
if that is what you want to talk about then dont."
He says its not about her. I ask if it will make me upet.
he says he doesnt know.

This is what he said:

"I went to get ice cream the other night by myself and for some reason I decided to turn the radio on. "

{N NEVER listens to the radio}


"I guess my dad had used my radio last because it was on a country station. I went to turn it immediately until the lyrics to the song hit me. HARD."

It was "Need you Now" by Lady Antelbellum.

{I sent these lyrics to N the very first time I heard it because it made me think of him. Never thought that he actually read them or looked the song up to listen to it- He HATES country}


"I had to pull over. It hit me so hard. I just sat there for 45 minutes crying, Allison. I couldnt stop. "

{I have NEVER seen N cry... even when his grandfather died. Ive seen him tear up when we broke up but never cry.}

"It was like everything from the past 8 months was finally catching up to me and I realized what I had done. What I had put you through. You know sometimes I act like none of this affects me and that Im fine with how my life is? Im not okay. I push the feelings away and put them on the back burner because I dont know how to fix them. I KNOW Ive hurt you and I hate myself every single day for it."

"You know the other day when I texted you saying that I had something I wanted to tell you but that I wanted to make sure it wasnt a passing feeling....? Well, It wasnt a passing feeling even though I told you it was when I got mad at you later. See, the thing is, I told myself that eventually I would stop having feelings for you if we stopped talking so much and seeing each other. Well, its been months since we've seen each other and we go pretty long periods of time without talking and when we do, its about Olly or we just fight... and... well... the feelings are still there, Alli.... If I didnt love you... they would have gone away when we separated ourselves from one another. They didnt though. Thats how I know. I think that Im not as upset about all that is happening because I know that this isnt it. We're not over. but I do believe that right now, this IS best for us. We need time apart. If you choose to be my wife, I want you to be absolutely sure that I am what you want forever and you wont know that unless you experience other people. I wont know that until I experience other people also. I want you to know that I think about you all the time and that I DO think about you when Im hanging out with HER."

"I hope that me telling you these things isnt going to put you "2 steps back" because that is not my intention. I KNOW that it is my fault that you have had such a hard last 8 months and I hate that. I needed to tell you these things- not to try to get you back right now- but so that you know Im not the monster that I sometimes seem to be. I wanted you to know that I will ALWAYS care about you and I hope that we always stay friend if nothing more. I enjoy talking to you and genuinely want you to be happy... I just needed to get all of this off of my chest."

I seriously thought that I would have been so upset by what he was telling me. but I wasnt. I was fine. I was appreciative. I was glad he told me those things and I felt good about moving forward knowing that. I did not take anything that he was saying as him trying to get me back. I didnt take anything he said as something to cling to or as something to give me a reason to hold out for him. I felt good. I felt content.

So that is where I stand right now- a very eventful week.

I returned to School Saturday to this:

Sunday: refilm video for project that partner deleted (YES! DELETED) last time we filmed it.
Monday: Biomechanics quiz (moved to wednesday), Presentation, Informational Interview due
Tuesday: 5-7 page paper due, Chemistry test
Wednesday: Biomechanics Quiz, Swimming Final
Thursday: Breathe for one second.
Friday: Formal Lab report due, Last weeks Lab report due, This weeks lab report due.

I am trying to take a moment to catch up on relaxation (yeah, right!) before I jump right in and start all over for the REAL finals weeks coming up.

On top of it all, my dumb self put myself in as available to work on Monday from 9am-1pm and I HAVE FREAKING CLASS from 9-11am!! I dont know what I was thinking. The schedule comes out today so HOPEFULLY they didnt schedule me for that morning or I'll be in a mad search of someone who can fill that shift. My manager (I know) will not let me out of it because it is my mistake. We'll see how it goes. ha!

Okay, hopefully that got you up to speed! Also, what did you guys think of the shot I posted from my friends project that I talked about HERE and posted HERE! I loved the finished photos! The writing on my stomach was an excerpt (from one of my actual journal/blog entries (as was all of the other things written on people's bodies in the other photos that she used for the project). None of the photos showed anyone's faces and NO, none of us were naked haha- I just thought it was a neat way to be personal (journal/diary parts) without being personal (like faces).

I was just curious as to what you guys thought since no one commented. Was it weird that I posted them to my blog?? I duno, but its my blog so I did because I thought they were cool- hahaa! I'll post post a few more tomorrow so you can check them out.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What do you do....

when you have so much to study that you know you shouldnt even stop to eat, sleep, or bathe?...


yeah... enough said. :)