Friday, August 28, 2009
I did not know that he was going out of town with his new girlfriend...until today.
I knew this was coming.
I knew he couldnt stay alone forever.
Even though I knew it would come sooner or later...
it hasnt helped soften the blow.
I want to hate him....
to make this easier on myself.
But I cant.
I want him to be happy.
but Im hurt.
I know guys are different than girls
when it comes to moving on.
but this is... not easy.
No matter how long he waited...
it would still hurt.
How can I blame him...
for wanting to move forward...
I cant blame him.
but I also cant help feeling
as if a wound is being ripped back open...
Lounging with Mommy in the yard - 20 months
Weekend with Mommy! - 23 months and 23 days :)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Shouldnt I be excited?
I mean, a steady income while Im in school is good, right?!
And incentives to get really nice sports stuff for free is great, too!
And its really close to my apartment- only takes me 7 minutes to get there!
And they are allowing me to pretty much set my own schedule as long as I work most weekends a month.
Isnt it a plus that I get paid while Im being trained??
Oh yeah, and I already told him I couldnt work over Christmas break and he was cool with it?! (Didnt expect THAT one!)
All my co-workers seem really nice and accepting, too.
Remind me again why Im not excited?! ;)
The job is at Om.ega Sports which is like Di.cks Sporting Goods but a lot more personal and helpful (I think!). They are the largest personally owned sports store chain in North Carolina.
I think Im not excited because Im worried that I'll feel trapped in Greensboro because I'll have to work on the weekends! Im a mama's girl and I usually dont go longer than 2 weeks without seeing my parents and sisters! Also, Im not used to working a "real job" as I have always been a nanny and nannying jobs are very flexible and FUN! :) But, aside from my fear of something new, I guess I have found that I am a little eager to start on Monday :) but Im just a little scared, too! Im going to be venturing into unknown territory and Ive really avoided that the past few months! - "Dont rock the boat!" I guess ;) You guys are right! This will be good for me! Yay for new jobs!- ha
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
One of my childhood best friends
chose to go to the same college as me
We are VERY similar
(usually TOO similar)
and KNEW we shouldnt live together
if we wanted to remain friends :)
SO We both went Potluck
and got placed in the same Dorm
three doors down from each other
Bestie lived with Alicia
I lived with some other girl
Alicia and I had lots of classes together
that first semester
Got along great
We were so much alike
Both easy going
Wanted careers in the health field
It seemed like the perfect fit
so we decided to live together
the next year in another dorm
One year later, and only
One big blow out fight later
(it was during the stresses of exam time)
We were preparing to move into an Apartment
about three blocks from campus
The summer before our big
She randomly broke up with her boyfriend
of three years whom she was OBSESSED
with to the point of insanity.
Had slept with some random guy from work
within 24 hours
SO not like her!
Broke that off
To hang out with some other random guy
she barely knew.
Im freaked out by now!
What is this girl thinking?
But we still got along great
besides the fact that she
was making bad decisions
and didnt seem to care.
Resigned our leases for Year 2.
Little did I know, this would be
a HUGE MISTAKE!
Her new guy is cocky
Not my favorite person
but I was always nice.
Seemed a little serial killer-ish
but she seemed to like him
I kept my mouth shut
She began drinking
LIKE A FISH
Having people over
during the week
without telling me
"maybe shes just going
through a phase??"
Surely she'll get over it soon.
In a matter of weeks
she had completely changed...
- ate my food without asking
- left her dishes in the sink for weeks
- refused to clean ANYTHING
- was rude to my family members
- had friends over late when she knew I was studying
- had sex loud enough for me to hear 2 rooms over.... gross.
- lied to our landlord to try to get me evicted so she could live alone (another story entirely)
- did not speak to me... only yelled
- camped out in the living room so I couldnt watch TV
- demanded I switch rooms with her because she decided she didnt like hers anymore
....and oh so much more
I have tried to get out of my lease because I really dont want to live with someone who makes me uncomfortable in my own home. Landlord wont allow me to break the lease. Says my only option is to try to convince her to move to another unit. Not gonna happen. I could move to another unit but my rent would increase by $35 a month when it is already rediculous. Im stuck.
So Sunday when she finally decided to come back to school, she tried to act like my BFF and ask me when I wanted to go grocery shopping... uh.... we havent gotten groceries together since you flipped your....crap.... and I dont know why you think Im going to resume this activity NOW!? Im sorry, she may be trying to make up for the past semester but Im not comfortable putting my guard down and doing BFF things with her again. I will be nice and I will absolutely treat her with respect but I am NOT going to allow her to get close enough to me again to hurt me the way she did before. Maybe Im holding a grudge but to be honest, at this time in my life, Id like to leave that wall constructed to avoid furthur major destruction.
I am trying to convince myself that maybe, JUST MAYBE, she has changed over the summer and I will be able to make it through this year without killing myself. I dont really have a choice. She is just not who she was a year ago and its a huge bummer.
Now that THATS out of the way :-) Carry On! ;-)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Me: Hey, is everything okay?!
N: Do you want to know what YOUR dog did today?!
Me: Um, sure.
N: Well first of all, I slept only 4 hours last night because he kept getting me up every 30 minutes to bring him out so he could diarrhea everywhere (TMI, I know!) THEN I went to school today exhausted only to come home on my break to let him out only to find the entire living room carpet covered in SH**!!! Yes, he did. YOUR dog pooed ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM.
Me: Oh No! He must have been feeling really yucky for him to not be able to hold it! Poor baby!
N: Oh No! Not poor baby! Remember that doggy bed you got him for his birthday last year?
Me: .... Yeah.....
N: Yeah, he pooped all over that too and I had to throw it away.
Me: Thats okay, he got a lot of use out of it over the past year. Does he seem to be feeling better now?
N: Yeah, he's prancing around having a great time. Why are you not mad that YOUR dog did that?!
Me: ........Sh** happens.
HAHAHAHAH Im sorry, Im not normally a swearer but I couldnt help it! I think it is hilarious that O is definately like our child! When he does something wrong, he is automatically MY dog and when he's well behaved, he's ours or N's. HAHAHAHA. It's awful that Im finding such humor in the fact that O pooped all over the house and N had to clean it up but... I know N and he was probablly exagerating and there were only like 2 spots. haha Its just is so funny to me! Exactly what I needed today! - A good unexpected chuckle. :)
How could ANYONE ever deny that face!??! ;)
Monday, August 24, 2009
- I barely slept last night. I tossed and turned until at least 1am and then everytime I would fall asleep, I would dream of N and some awful scenerio and would wake up in a panic or upset. This went on every hour from 3am til 7am when I just decided to lay there and stare at the ceiling until my alarm went off at 7:30am. Well, I didnt actually let it go off. I hate alarms. My body does too because most of the time I wake up 1 or 2 minutes before my alarm on my own (I guess so I can turn it off!) Im exhausted.
- My first class was at 9am and I just realized how hard it's going to be. yay. cant wait...
- My night class is 3 HOURS LONG. Ive had this professor before. I liked him but I definately forgot how boring and A.D.D he is.
- I literally have classes almost all day every day this semester. My days go like this.... Class....2 hour gap.... class..... 2 hour gap....class....yeah... no fun. BUT Now that I have dropped my Physics class, I could now change the class that is smack dab in the middle of the day and really inconvenient to a more convenient time and then have less gaps. Sounds great, right?. Yeah I thought so too until I realized the class is full and the professor informed me that he cannot add me in because the university puts a cap on writing intensive courses. My only chance is to see if someone drops it this week and then get added in. Yeah. Im not that lucky.
- The job I was going to look into is at O.me.ga Sports. My rents are ragging on me to get a "real, tax paying job" so thats what Im doing. I run, used to play soccer and lacrosse, and feel like Im good with people so good plan. I went on Sunday to talk to Josh (the store manager that the Wilmington Ome.ga store manager told me to see). Josh wasnt there. Was told to come back Monday anytime between 9am-1pm or 2pm-close. I showed up today at 10:30am and was told that Josh was not there. Uh, why?! I was told to come at the time. "Oh, no no come back at 2pm." So at 2:45pm I got in the car to make my THIRD, YES THIRD!!! trip to Ome.ga in 2 days only to sit up by the register for 40 minutes before Josh made time to talk to me. Our conversation lasted all of 5 minutes where he asked me (nicely, of course) whether I even knew anything about Ome.ga's "Fitting process." Uh.... no.... isnt that what job training is for?! Does the general public just KNOW the fitting processes for Ome.ga Sport?? Anyways- I am now going back on Wednesday for a formal interview. Sorry for my negative attitude on this story... I just dont want to get a job other than babysitting yet. I think Ill like it just fine but its out of my comfort zone and right now, Im not down with that. Im going to try to be thankful for the opportunity and hopefully I'll get the job.
- I.CANT.FREAKING.STOP.THINKING.ABOUT.N. What is WRONG with my brain?! I havent spoken to him since Friday and of course, my mind knows this is still unusual so in turn it is deciding to torture me by making him the only thing I can think of. ****Okay so seriously... that was wierd.... as I was writing this, N called.... Not that I didnt think he wouldnt eventually call but I have to prepare for the worst in case thats what really pans out. Anyways... he makes me so mad sometimes . Its like he makes me feel better and worse all in the same sweep. Bad, I know. I just cant help it. Why do I like this boy so much?****
- Apparantly I wasnt too tired to write a dang novel under each one of these bullets. I probably should have just done a regular post. Im done. I dont feel like typing anymore. Night.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I'd like to begin by thanking my sponsors, my publisher...... :) haha jk!
Here are the rules!!
1st: link back to the person who gave you the award (see above)
2nd: give the award to 10 other bloggers.
1. bill, miss and brood
2. Barefoot and (finally) Pregnant
3. jOyOuS jOuRnEyS -
4. What to Expect When You're FINALLY Expecting
5. Waiting on Baby Paramore
7. ...Into the Womb
8. A Good Egg
9. Blonde Ambition
10. The Mikels Family
I have to say, this list was a little tough! I follow lots of blogs (most having to do with babies- haha!) but many people dont follow mine that I know of. I chose blogs (although there are many more!) that have really been inspirations to me and helped me get through the past few months whether through sharing their joy and celebration or through struggling together (in different ways but struggling nontheless). When I started blogging, I never thought it would be something that REALLY helped me cope with life at this stage but you guys have really made me feel like I am not alone and that I can talk about whatever is on my mind without worrying about what people will say or think of me. Bottom line: Thanks for being my bloggy friends :)
3rd: list 10 honest things about yourself.
1. I am in my last year of undergraduate studies obtaining a Sports Medicine degree.
2. I am heading towards a career in Medical Sonography (Hopefully!)
3. I am a worryer. Even when I shouldnt worry... I still find a reason to do so!
4. My mom is one of my best friends!
5. I need a job. No way I'll make it through this school year without one!
6. I love children!! When I was young, my friends used to get mad at me because I would spend more time playing with their baby brothers and sisters than them when they came over!
7. I have always wanted to be a mom!
8. I love my hometown. You'd think after almost 22 years, Id want to move somewhere else permenantly... NOPE, Im counting down the days until I can go back FOR GOOD!
9. I like unique names. All my children will have uncommon names. I was tramatized as a children being called Allison M. in my elementary school classes because there were always other Allison's to distinguish me from.
10. I love the Lord. Daily surrender.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Now for a catch up- Bullet style!
- I had an amazing time in the Bahamas but am glad to be back with my family and sleeping
in my own bedon my very own blow up mattress.
- I havent quite gotten myself back into the swing of things yet. I feel like Im just waiting for some deadline or certain date to come along but Im not sure what that is so it just leaves me feeling a little... i dont know.... disappointed. Wierd, I know.
- I start classes on Monday. My plan was to head back today but the rain that Hurricane Bill decided to send made me change my mind. Hopefully tomorrow is better. (Crazy story coming soon about today- Remind me if I forget!!)
- On the N front; some days are good, others...are not. I was dying to see O when I got back from my trip and when I asked N if I could swing by for a bit to see him, he asked if I would be willing to have lunch with him. I did, no biggie. Still wierd... to sit across the table from someone you love and try to talk about everything under the sun that doesnt pertain to the fact that the two of you arent together. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever be able to have a conversation without having that brief moment where we just stare at each other out of pure disappointment that THIS is actually where we ended up.
- My friends suck. Nothing new there. I just never feel like they truly understand like N did. I still find myself wanting to call him instead of my girls because I know he really cares and will talk to me instead of always making everything about himself like girls tend to do.
- I need to get a job while Im in school this year. I dont want to have to get a REAL job yet-- Id like to just stick with babysitting but Ive only found sketchballs in Greensboro (NC) and dont feel very comfortable babysitting for them. I have a "tax paying" job in mind so Ill head in there tomorrow when I get into town and see if they are hiring but I really hate the idea of having something so concrete while my school schedule is still so demanding. If anyone knows anyone in the Greensboro,NC area- PLEASE LET ME KNOW!
- I kept O Tuesday night through Thursday afternoon. I know I say this every. single. time. but I love that dog more than anything. Im sitting here right now missing him and it makes my heart ache. Hes my little buddy and Its torture to know that while Im away at school, I cant just call N up and tell him Im gonna take O for a few days.
- I sure hope that being in a different town makes things easier on me. Some days I just feel so strong and together that Im certain that things can only get better and then other days I just feel this aching in my chest that makes me worry that this feeling will always keep coming back just to keep me from really reaching "better"
Sorry Ive been so absent lately! Ive been keeping up with everyones blogs as well as I can but I just feel like Im stuffing a whole bunch of stuff into a not so big time frame. Okay... okay... well maybe Im just in denial that this is really my life right now and Im trying to pretend its not by putting lots and lots of stuff off for later. Either way, Im glad to be back and Im ready to hear from everyone in blogland again! I've missed you guys!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I had a great time in the bahamas and am SOMEWHAT glad to be back! haha. I'll post soon- Im trying to catch up with the fam and figure out what happened in blogland while I was gone- It seems to be a lot! :)
(You can see a faint rainbow if you look closely :)
Friday, August 7, 2009
KHS; I didnt have a chance to finish the ebook!! I know I know...Im a huge slackerrrr!! (I am LOVING it though!!) !! Time just got away from me this week! Wish I had enough paper and ink to print it and bring it with me! Will email you when I get back and get it read! Promise! Thanks again! :)
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Savior I come
Quiet my soul, remember
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh Lead me, lead me to the cross
You were as I
Tempted and trialed
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart
Sunday, August 2, 2009
On Friday, we took a trip to the craft store to get some fun stuff to paint and work on over the weekend. Of course, I had to join in and ended up making these!
I have to say, I am really happy with how they came out. Note, that the letters on the canvas are PAINTED on... Yes yes I am anal and did spend hours and hours printing and cutting and tracing and painting to get it right. Ha!! Think it was worth it???!!! Now I am ready to head back to school so I can find a home for them on my walls (and to get away to another town and pretend that life isnt as hard as it is- ha!)
I hate to say it, but Im still waiting to feel "better". I was okay (key word... OKAY) over the weekend because I was occupied and busy but seriously, the second I sat down tonight, I immediately got that feeling in my stomach and weight in my chest. Ugh. One day at a time... one day at a time.