i dont even know.

(2:12pm)
I was hoping that N would be there today when I go to pick O up... he wont- he will be out on the boat.

I was supposed to get Olly on the way into town, but N asked me to wait a couple hours. I already knew why- She was probablly there or he was worried she'd show up. I was right. Im sure she has a key by now. Another stab to the heart.

I know he's trying to avoid conflict so I let it go. Id rather avoid ever seeing her anyways.

I wanted him to be there when i stop by because I want him to be reminded of how excited Olly gets to see me... that he loves to be with me... and then N would realize that giving O to me is the best thing for him. but obviously that wont happen.

I dont believe N is doing this to keep me on his chain. He has a new life already- new gf and all. Seems to be happy with how his life is. I dont know why he's doing this. On second thought. I do know. He loves Olly. I cant imagine giving him up so I know it would b hard for him too. That is why we are in this god awful situation.

I guess we also wont be talking about this situation today either considering he has better things to do. Im almost relieved. Im putting this off because Im scared of what he may decide. I want to pretend that there is still hope of getting Olly for good. I'll hang on to any amount of hope at this point.

I am going to move forward with the subleaser to ensure that if at any moment, N tells me I can take O, I am in the position to do so.

I wish that for some unknown reason, N would just tell me to take Olly on Sunday for good. I would. without even a second thought. I cant have him in my apartment but Id figure it out. I know that wont happen but I can hope.

I want to enjoy my baby boy this weekend, not drench him in my tears but I cant stop crying. Im scared.... so scared that its debilitating.

What if this doesnt work out? What if I lose this battle?

What then?

(4:14pm)
I picked O up and you know what I realized...

Life is just better when I have him...

The whole ride over there my stomach was in knots and I felt like I was gonna puke because I was just so anxious. I dont know why because no one was gonna be there. It was like I couldnt wait another second to see Ollydog. I walked in the door and O greeted me (more excited than ever before- which says a lot since he tackles me usually) and I bawled my eyes out, out of pure joy as I loved on him and soaked up every inch of his furry little (okay maybe not little) body :)

I am so content when he is with me (well except for knowing that this may not ever be permenant). I just love Ollydog so much and I cant imagine how awesome life would be like if I could to be with him every single day again. I am trying to stay positive. Hope is hope no matter how big or small- right? (oh gosh, please tell me, "right") I really want this to all happen! I hope my prayers are answered because it they are...I get to take him in 1 month, 1 weeks, and 3 days!