I walked away

I have demons that I chose not to face.

Demons that are the result of the past 2 years of heartache.

Demons that I've shoved in the closet

as I pretended my life with just fine,

when in actuality,

I was so lost.



I cant heal until I face my demons.

Feelings of inadequecy.

Unworth.

Confusion,

Not knowing what it is I want.

Because I cant even trust my own gut.

I did before.

And I got burned anyway.



Fighting those demons is going to take time.

And until I feel that I am right with the Lord

I will never be ready to give myself to someone else.



I was shattered.

Broken into a million different pieces

over these past two plus years.

and God is still working on piecing me back together.

I dont want to give pieces of me to someone.

I want to give them the whole.

For this reason

I have decided to take a step back from boy

and focus on fighting my demons,

forgiving myself

and listening to what it is God wants me to know.

Because boy deserves more than I can give him right now.

and it sucks.


I am trusting that everything is going to work out how it is supposed to....

regardless of the things I have to do right now for me...

so

I walked away.


{for now}

Alternate

I got alternate for the sonography program which pisses me off and makes me excited all at the same time.

Pissed because this waiting game- the one that has my life on hold- is continuing...

I have so many ?s.
What number alternate am I?
When will I know?
If I am offered a position, then how do I know whether Im supposed to take it or not?

Excited because this could be a great opportunity and career!

I have some phone calls to make and a lot of praying to do!

New

Life has been nuts the past couple weeks! I don't have time to go into it all but I will tell you that there are a lot of "new" things in my life.... new mindsets, new approaches, new promises, new goals, new books, new HOPE!.... :)


I'll get into all that later, but for now I'll just share a couple of NEW things that I have gotten in the past two weeks!

For my little sister's 18th birthday, we both got matching tattoos! Let me preface by saying that I was FREAKING OUT! BUT I didn't let anyone know! :) I stayed cool, calm, and collected on the outside, while I was literally having a panic attack on the inside! We had originally decided on one idea and then revamped the idea literally hours before we had the tattoos done and that was scary for me! In the end, (and after like 8 hours of waiting in a tattoo parlor with HILARIOUS people) we decided on this:

One thing I will always remember about being little is how much it meant to me when my mom would leave me little notes or write me letters. In most of these letters, she always signed them.... "More than you'll ever know." That statement has been a source or comfort, affection, and promise over the years and it just warms my heart thinking about my mom looking at me, craziness and all, knowing that she will always love me more than I'll ever know. I LOVE how the tattoo came out and even though it itches like crazy as it heals, I am really happy that I went through with it!

Next, on the NEW list is THIS BABY!

My brand new 2011 Hyundai Sante Fe Limited!

I have been driving my POS car for 8 years now and it is getting to be a little dangerous with the transmission issues, sticky gas pedal, and a dozen other little quirks. I finally decided Id had enough and started looking at SUVs. I originally wanted to wait until July/August in hope that I'd find an awesome deal on a 2011 as they made room for the new 2012 models but I loved this SUV and the price was right (after some negotiating) so I decided to go with it! I LOVEEEEE IT!!! Now, I will say, I am scared to death to drive right now because I'm so afraid someone is going to hit me but I LOVEEEE ITTTT! Have I mentioned that I LOVEEE IT??? :) I'll post more about it later!

So there you have it!

I promise, I'll post more soon!

I have an update on Boy, school, etc so get excited!

HAHA

Or not

my life isnt really that exciting :)

No Vacay...

My friend's PTO days were not approved.

No vacation.

Im gonna cry.