Monday, September 27, 2010

Blake

Lots to talk about. No energy to do it right now.



Blake texted me on Saturday afternoon.

Not to get me back.

Not to tell me he'd made a mistake.

After 4 months of silence....

He texted to say "hey"

to tell me he still thinks about me

and cares about me a lot

and that he's sorry for everything.

He is still marrying C.

He is still not coming back.


For a split second,

I thought things were going to turn out right.

Should have known.

He contacted me out of pure selfishness

and I made sure that he knew

thats how I felt.



After all these steps towards normal

I feel like Ive been set back.


What do you do when you've become so indifferent

that the only reason

you still go through the motions...

...is because you have no other choice?

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Im still here! My birthday was Friday and Ive had a crazy couple weeks- Ill post an update soon!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

BUST.

Remember my nice little list of everyday goals that I set for myself???


Yeah.... Im doing really good on a lot of them.


Others.....

not. so. much.


So I need to confess.


Heres the original list with updates...

1. Do not spend unnecessarily
I was doing really well with this one....
until I had a few slip up's this past week..
  • I did eat Ch.ik-fil.-A one day after work this week because I wanted to go to Barnes & Noble to read but was starving! BUST.
  • I bought a Vanilla MILKSHAKE in my gap between work and babysitting one night. I went to the mall to kill an hour so I wouldnt have to drive all the way home... and I was craving a milkshake ALLLLL day and I totally fell into a trance when I walked by dairy queen... BUST!
  • While at the mall, I knew I needed to get a new pair of khaki shorts for work (rotating the two pairs I have for 6 days straight isnt so great) and was SO stoked when I found a comfy pair on sale for $6!!! I also got a collared shirt for work for $8.. buttt THENNNN.... I maybe so a cute beach dress for $4.00 and talked myself into getting that, tooo! AHHHh! At least it was only 4 bucks! stilll.... its a BUSSSTTTT!!!
  • I kinda maybe bought myself a hat at work (25%discounted!) because the one I wear all the time is NASSTTTYYYY ( okay... and i kinda maybe also got a pair of running shorts and a pair of goggles since the goggles I was using at school were Blake's....) TRIPLE BUST!
I'll stop there before you guys take a roadtrip to sentence my debit card into some type of holding cell this week :)

2. Do not contact N
I totally didn't think this one would be too hard. Yeah... easier said than done. I have totally felt strong conviction over this whole thing with N and I's mutual friend. I feel bad that N was so hurt by it and it didn't even turn out to be anything. Even though I apologized when we met, I felt like he didn't truly believe that I was sorry. Now, a month later, I see now why it was such a hard thing for him- even though we weren't dating and he has a gf. I met with him Sunday night to talk to him about it and apologize again. It was a bad idea because we ended up fighting and I left in tears. Way to go conviction! BUST.

3. Transfer $50 into savings with every deposit

I'm not going to lie... I've been totally rockin' this one! :) Last time I made a deposit- I was able to transfer a lot more than that over to my savings! Given, I do try to live like I have double digits in my account even though I don't but it seems to be working out well so far!

4. Do not turn down babysitting jobs unless already booked

CHECK! I have not turned down a single job since setting this goal (unless I had to). I have also been working between 33-34 hours at Omega each week as well. I dont get my first paycheck until midway through the month but I think my plan to live off of my babysitting money and save my paychecks will work out well.

5. Return missed phone calls THAT DAY
Total. Bust. I have always found it really hurtful when I have to call friends over and over before they will call me back. I still have to do this with a lot of people so I try really hard no to do it to others but MAN, IS IT HARD! By the time I babysit all morning and then working all afternoon/evening or vice versa, the last thing I want to do is sit on the phone for the next 4 hours trying to return phone calls! I really need to work on this one- it was a BUST.

6. Memory verses
This one is going pretty well. As you recall, I chose to stick with Psalm 37:4 for 2 weeks instead of one since its one that I struggle with. This past week, the Lord gave me Isaiah 55:8. I meant to choose a new one on Sunday but things got busy and well... now Im behind. I feel pathetic because the kids I nanny for memorize this huge long verses each month and I have these puny little ones- haha! Gotta start somewhere, right?! :)

Week 1 & 2:
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your Heart.
(Psalm 37:4)

Week 3:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
(Isaiah 55:8)

7. Exercise most days
I am really starting to feel like I am making progress in this area. It's not hard for me to STAY in shape but it is SO hard for me to get back into shape. I'd like to pick some 5ks out for October/November so that I have something to work towards. Im getting caught at about 2.5 miles. I know I could probably do more but the course I run at the beach is about that long and when I get to where I started, its really hard to keep going! Im gonna try to start adding a minimum of a minute to my run each time if time permits.

(8/23) Monday: 31:00 minute run
(8/24) Tuesday: Rest
(8/25) Wednesday: 21:50 minute run
(8/26) Thursday: 22:54 minute run
(8/27) Friday: 15 minutes on road bike
(8/28) Saturday: 22:30 minute run
(8/29) Sunday: REST
(8/30) Monday: REST
(8/31) Tuesday: 22:00 minute run
(9/1) Wednesday: REST
(9/2) Thursday: 17:00 minute morning run + 20:30 evening run
(9/3) Friday REST
(9/4) Saturday: REST
(9/5) Sunday: 23:00 minute run
(9/6) Monday: 25:06 minute run
(9/7) Tuesday: 5 mile run (around 50 minutes)
(9/8) Wednesday: 30 minute run (3 miles)
(9/9) Thursday: 21:53 min run (2.45 miles)

8. exhibit love & patience to all you come in contact with.
Ummm... yeah... I don't like people very much I've realized... and a lot of the time, they are rude and disrespectful and I'm just not down with that. Work has helped me the most with this one because I'm pretty sure Id get fired if I didn't show love and patience to my clients. However, I'd like to be more conscious of my thoughts and judgments towards others without feeling obligated (ie bc I'm working) so this is definitely a work in progress. Oh, and I think road rage runs in my family :) so I need to make sure Klove is on my radio to keep me calm during bad traffic! :) BUST!

9. Have a daily quiet time with the Lord
I totally suck at this one. Ive been having a hard time journaling because of how busy I am and when I do feel like I have time, I have nothing to say. I created a private blog that only I can access in the hopes that it'd help me journal since I'd be typing instead of having to write it out. Yup. that blog remains totally post free. This is by far, the worst BUST of the past couple weeks. I dont know how to make myself WANT to journal. I do speak to God frequently during the day but it is a sentence here or a word there-- and like most, usually my prayers are selfish and about helping ME instead of helping OTHERS. Yup, I have no choice but admit that this was a BUST!

Any advice? What kind of goals do you set for yourself? What do you think I should change? What do you think is a good idea?!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

J

Out of nowhere, I heard from N and I's mutual friend, J, on Friday night. (he's the one who freaked out when N found out we'd hung out- I told the story HERE)

It took him 4 weeks to contact me but I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by attempting to understand that he was put in a situation that he didn't expect and maybe just needed some time to process.

He asked me to hang out a couple times and I said no but then decided I should give him a chance.

Bad Idea.

He is just like every other Douchebag in this world. (pardon my french)

All I needed was to hang out with him one more time to realize that he has nothing to offer me.

Oh well.

-------------------------------------------------

Although it hurts to have to look back at the whole Blake situation and how it turned out, I am so grateful that I met someone who treated me the way I deserved to be treated. Never once did B make me feel like what I had to say wasn't important. Never did he try to pressure me into doing something that I didn't want to do. Never did he make me feel the way that N made me feel. I'd gone so long being treated the way N treated me that I didn't know there could be something better out there until Blake came along.

No guy will ever get away with the crap that N did to me.


I will not settle for less.


Not anymore.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Taking a step forward....

or so I thought.


This box contained everything I had kept from the duration of N and I's relationship that I still had in my possession (excluding gifts). I put a card in there for Olly's birthday along with his present and old toys that had been at my house for months since the last time I saw him. I felt like I needed to wipe my hands of those memories. (if you know me at all, you'll have realized that I am a very sentimental person and I keep a lot of things that serve as memories.) I'd been holding on to these things for far too long.

N did not ask for it.

Nor did I tell him he'd be receiving it.

I simply packed it up,

drove to his apartment,

made sure S's car wasnt there,

and dropped it at the door.

I did not ring the doorbell.

I did not send a text.

I did not call.

I just left it there.


... and I haven't heard a thing from him.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010