Monday, August 30, 2010

desires

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4


I have always struggled with this verse (thus the reason I have chosen to meditate on it these past 2 weeks).

Here's why.

What does delighting oneself really mean?

Delight (verb); de·light (di līt)
to please greatly, to have great pleasure, take pleasure


It doesn't seem that easy to me. The Lord pleases me, yes. I am totally in awe of the things he has created for me. A sunset on a crappy day. A cool breeze during a run. A giggling child. A smile from a stranger. You get the idea.

Simply put. I delight in my Lord (or at least I think I do). I am well aware that each moment that I have here on this earth is God given... and that every breath I take is from Him... and that every wise word out of my mouth is breathed by him... but am I REALLY delighting in him the way that he wants? Is my delight enough?

When I am driving down the road with tears streaming down my face because the lyrics to a song on the radio just reminded me of the goodness of my God.

When I lift my face up towards the sky in thanksgiving for the opportunity to live.

When I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the things I have.

When I have to contain myself at church because all I want to do is dance for my Lord with my hands raised high and my lungs filled with song.

That is how I delight in my Lord.

I wish I could say that at every moment, I am delighting....

but

sometimes I forget.

sometimes I get crabby.

and selfish.

and annoyed.

and frustrated.

I don't delight in my Lord all the time.

I am not constantly thinking about it.

My life is not a continuous delighting party.

but does that mean I am not delighting enough?

Do I forget too much?

Is it that I just don't understand how?



If I AM delighted by my Lord then WHY do I not have the desires of my heart?



I want to be a mom.

I want to feel a baby moving in my belly and hold them in my arms.

I want to be a wife.

I want to meet the man that the Lord has chosen for me and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is my one and only.

I don't want to always think about the one who got away.

I don't want to fear that I will have to be a single mom by the hand of a fertility specialist.

I desire these things beyond all else.




I already hear your responses.

Be patient. Everything happens on the Lords' time. If you are meant to be a wife, He will make it happen. If you are meant to be a mom, He will make it happen.

BUT

that is NOT what that verse says.

It says,

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He WILL give you the desires of your heart."

If that is true, then WHY do some men and women spend their whole lives looking for love and never find "the one"? Why do some couples spend $100,000's of dollars trying to have babies yet their arms remain empty. Why? Why do people who delight themselves in the Lord still go to bed at night without the desires of their heart?

I don't understand.

and I may never understand.

I struggle with this. A lot.

I am scared that my deepest desires will never come to pass and that it will be my fault. That I did something to cause the Lord to withhold the desires of my heart. That I did not delight myself in the Lord enough or that I was throwing out attempts but just couldn't hit the bulls-eye.


How do I change my heart so that I can move from this place I am in to a place of acceptance and understanding? How do I read this verse and feel relief that it will eventually come to pass? How do I read this verse and feel at peace with waiting?

How?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

{someone else's} Giveaway!

2 posts in one days! I know- its totally crazy!!

BUT I wanted to let you know about an awesome giveaway over at Storing up Treasures! I have been a long time follower (although not a good commenter!) and really love the honesty of this blogger! She makes me laugh all the time and I get so much from her posts! I know you will enjoy following along and this giveaway is perfect since I am always talking about new books that everyone should read!

I have to say The Weight of Shadows by Alison Strobel might just have to be next! :)

The one that got away.

Over the past 4 months, I have realized something...

Blake will always be the one that got away.

I have tried to move on, hang out with other guys, do my own thing, and through it all, he is never far from my mind.

Every time I hang out with a guy, it feels.... just weird.... like a story whose ending has just been told all wrong.

There are times that I am hit, unexpectedly, by such vivid thoughts of him that it literally stops me from doing whatever I'm doing.

I spent last weekend back at school visiting friends before the new school year and the whole entire time, I felt this weight all over my body. I felt like he was close to me but I couldn't get to him. I felt like being in that place just stood as a constant reminder of what used to be.

I miss him.

I wish I could say I was over him and that I don't think about him every day.

But I do.

I pray that he doesn't go through with it.... that he doesn't marry C.... and that he shows up on my doorstep....

but I'm not an idiot.

I know that will never happen and I will not live my life pretending it will.

I know that most likely, he is planning a wedding right now... and that one day soon, he will have a ring on his finger.

I know that I will most likely go through the rest of my life without seeing him ever again.

I know that I will never hear his voice again and that I will never feel his arms around me again.

I know that.

It just doesn't make my heart ache any less.

It just seems like a cruel joke.

To meet the man of your dreams when you least expect it... to fall in love with him despite your wild attempts not to.... only to have him walk away in spite of his feelings for you.

It's just not right and I don't know how to make myself be okay with it.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

Ollydog.
I cant believe that you are 3 years old, today. It seems like just yesterday, your dad and I were watching you run around with your brothers and sisters in a makeshift pen in the backyard of Susan's house. That first night after we brought you home, I felt like a proud mom as we snipped the nail polish from the fur on your neck that told us you were ours and bathed your tiny little body. I loved the smell of you and having you lay in between us on the couch while we watched a movie. I found out that night just how quickly you had my heart. Even though we'd decided not to let you sleep with us, that's exactly what I wanted to do when I heard you cry out in the middle of the night. Good thing your daddy was strong because you are such a good dog because of it. I never thought things would turn out this way, baby boy... I'm sorry that I don't come to see you anymore. I cant be selfish by coming to get you when I know it makes you upset when I bring you back. I love you too much to do that to you. God knows, I want nothing more than for you to be with me all the time, but it cant be that way. Know that I will always love your daddy more than he'll ever know but that I cant make it enough. If I could fix this for us, Ollydog, I would, but because I cant, know that I would do anything for you and I love you more than life itself. Happy 3rd Birthday baby boy!

Love you always,
Your Mommy

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Discipline

Since moving home, I have really been trying to discipline myself by setting very specific goals, whether they are financial... personal... health related... etc.

Sometimes they are dumb things that I know I can do like... do not contact N (NO MATTER WHAT) and some are more important things like do not turn down babysitting jobs even if you are tired or put money away.

It has really helped to WRITE EACH GOAL DOWN so that I have a daily reminder of what I am expecting of myself each day. I make sure that all my goals are LOGICAL, REALISTIC, and will not add anxiety to my life.
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In addition to the little, everyday things, I've also tried to focus on the financial aspect of being a young adult. Putting money away is key for me right now and in order to do that, I have to discipline myself so that my spending does not exceed my income. Due to the fact that my income is not fixed, I have been doing a number of things to ensure that money is being put away each month:
  • I have been eating at home more
  • I do not purchase things for myself unless they are needed and will be used on a regular basis (ie planner, socks, etc) This means I do not buy clothes for myself unless I am in need of that specific item or it is WAY on sale (and the money is available)!
  • I have been transferring a minimum of $50 into my savings each time I make a deposit at the bank which is usually every week or every other week
  • I have also set up a "Wa.y2S.ave" account with Wa.ch.ovia. to "trick" myself into saving money. The idea of "W2S" is that each time you use your debit card, Wa.ch.ovia will trasnfer $1 from that account into a savings account. In addition to those automatic transfers, you can also transfer up to $100 each month into that account. There is a maximum because the account receives 5% APY (annual percentage yeild) for the first year. There are other benefits of this savings account but I will let you read about it HERE! I have really loved it so far because I track my account electronically and I can see what is leaving and what is coming in multiple times a day if I want.
  • I also changed my regular savings account into a "hig.h. perform.ance mon.ey mark.et" which receives a higher interest rate than a normal savings account. The only catch is that you MUST keep a minimum of $2500 in the account at all times. I decided this is a good thing for me because it ensures that I will have AT LEAST $2500 put away at all times.
I went into the Omega here at home yesterday and will be starting next week after they have had a chance to transfer my information from the store up at school. I will be working days so that I can still babysit at night. They were SO accommodating with my babysitting schedule and are willing to work with me since my schedule changes weekly. I am excited to be in a smaller store and in a store that focuses more on running because I really enjoy the sport.

My plan is to use my babysitting income for my regular finances such as gas, bills, food, etc and to automatically deposit my Omega paycheck into my savings account. I may need to tweak this some or switch which paycheck goes where but I feel like this will be a good way to put money away.

I am so lucky to have parents who are allowing me to live with them RENT FREE now that I am back home. Although I am usually eating at the homes I nanny in, I still eat pretty often with my parents (who refuse to let me buy groceries) so that is a HUGE weight off my shoulders and basically gives me NO EXCUSE about being able to put money away.
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I have always been a runner- I do not love running distance because I grew up sprinting but through running cross country in highschool, I have come to appreciate the benefits of long distance running. When my knees got really bad again in college, I resorted to swimming instead of running for my workouts. However, now that I'm home, its not as easy to find a gym with a pool where I can swim laps. (No, it is not safe to swim like that alone in the ocean or waterway). I have always wanted to get into cycling but it is WAY expensive and I just cant afford a bike right now so I have been getting up at 730am every morning (no matter what I have going on that day) and running between 2-3 miles before starting the day.Obviously I will up the miles over time. Sometimes I have the opportunity to reward myself by sitting at the beach for a couple hours but sometimes that just doesn't fit into the day. I have also been trying to be more aware of what I am eating (yeah I know, I go back and forth about this) and focus on possibly running a half marathon sometime in the next 6 months (MAYBE). Ive always wanted to run a marathon before I die but I'm thinking baby steps will have to do for now (ie 5 k, 10k, half, full marathon, tri???) :)

We'll see how all this goes and I may not keep recording it on here but I will try. (Yes, I know, some days I included my meals and some days I didnt- thats for me more than you) haha.

Monday

Ran 30 minutes

Tuesday

Rest

Wednesday

Ran 21:50 minutes

Thursday

Breakfast:
1/2 banana, half bagel with peanut butter

Ran 22:54 minutes

Lunch:
Salad with ham, cheese, cucumbers, raisins, italian dressing

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I have been choosing a bible verse to memorize every week (or 2) and putting it on my bathroom (and bedroom) mirror. I used to know so many verses by heart and I've noticed that I can often recall (portions) of a verse but couldn't tell you where to find it. I don't like not being able to help others by giving them a source when I refer to bible verses soooo I feel like this is just a great addition to my discipline regime.

This week's verse is:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

(I have a post I'd like to do on this verse but that will have to wait)

I am still working on trying to incorporate all of my goals into my day but here is a general list of what Im doing right now.

  1. Do not spend unnecessarily
  2. Do not contact N
  3. Transfer $50 into savings with every deposit
  4. Do not turn down babysitting jobs unless already booked
  5. Return missed phone calls THAT DAY
  6. Memory verses
  7. Exercise most days
  8. exhibit love & patience to all you come in contact with
  9. Have a daily quiet time with the Lord

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

She Won't Be Lonely Long

My friends always says this should be my country theme song :)



She always specifies "country" because she swears "Ridin Solo" has to be my "rap" theme song! Haha!


Thank God for great friends! :)






Funny thing is....

I dont drink Patron

Saturday, August 21, 2010

S-O-L-O!

I am not a rap fan but when I heard this song- I just had to laugh :)




Sounds like a good plan to me for now!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Whatever.

It's totally weird but lately, Ive been happy and unhappy all at the same time.

It feels so good to be making money and trying to put some away even though its not a salary career and... I am loving being an aunt and getting a chance to sit on the beach some and read and get back into running.

but

theres always something.

I feel like Ive been keeping things from you guys even though that is totally not the case! I just havent had time to get everyone up to speed!

So here it is!

I hung out with one of N and I's mutual guy friends (J) a couple of times and although I dont know him well beyond acquaintances, he's always seemed really cool. Within 24 hours, N had gotten wind of us hanging out and was stalker texting/calling me for the "truth." Apparently someone thought it'd be a good idea to tell N that J and I were sleeping together (which we were not). After 18 hours of ignoring N's texts and calls (because I just didnt feel like dealing with it), I finally decided that Id just call him back- meet with him- tell him the truth and let him know that he cant control my life anymore.

Heres the truth-
I like J. He's a nice guy. but I dont know him that well and I am not in a position to want to date ANYONE right now. J knew that. We only hung out twice anyways so it's not like it was serious. I would have liked to get to know him but that didnt happen because

N CONTROLS EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE WITHOUT ME EVEN KNOWING IT!!!!!

Heres the short story.

I hung out with J. N found out. J found out that N found out. N freaked out. J freaked out. I talked to N. J was already over the situation because of how badly N freaked out. J apologized for things working out this way but thought it might be best if we just kept our relationship as friends. N got what he wanted... Go figure.

Heres the thing that irks me. Even though I am getting to the point where I dont care how my actions affect N anymore, our mutual friends are still caught in the middle and they DO care.

No, I did not go out planning to "date" one of our mutual friends but I refuse to not hang out with certain people because it "might hurt N."

He obviously does not keep me in mind when he makes HIS decisions so why should I keep him in mind when I make mine?

J KNEW when he chose to hang out with me that I was his friends ex. That had not changed. But clearly the fact that N is mad made him rethink our "friendship." I mean... I get it... who wants their friend to hate them because they decided to hang out with their ex. I just dont get why he hung out with me in the first place if this is how he felt.

Im pretty sure J just never thought it'd be this big-a-deal. Me either. I mean, COME ON!.. N had been dating someone for OVER A YEAR but he still cant handle me being with someone else. N just wants to have his cake and eat it too and apparently, IM THE CAKE. UGHH!

Ultimately, N feels I've done something AWFUL by hanging out with his friend and that it's gonna take a long time for him to forgive me but that he respects me for being honest and talking to him about it. J wont talk to me because of how much drama N caused because we were hanging out and I refuse to try to discuss this with someone who clearly doesnt care. N swore he and S were done but then I HAPPENED to pull up to the same stoplight as them the other night so Im assuming he was just adding to the buttload of lies he's already fed me.

Sucky situation that Im just not even gonna deal with anymore.

N sucks.

S sucks

J sucks.

Sometimes life sucks.

but

whatever.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Update on J

Birthmom chose to parent her daughter.

So J went to Oklahoma to see her solider graduate.

Birthmom changed her mind once she got home.

Birthmom brought baby back to agency.

Agency thought J was out of town to see her husband graduate.

For this reason, they forfeited J & her husband's right to the adoption.

Birthmom had to choose another couple to parent her child.

The worst part?

J was in town. She had come back Sunday morning...



My heart is breaking for my friend.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Im in love...

...with my niece!

Ive had to babysit for the past 4 nights in a row and have to babysit again tonight!

I am grateful for the money but I want to go see baby girl tonight instead. My mom is making my sister and her husband dinner and my whole family is going.... well except me.... because Im stuck babysitting since I didnt know they were doing dinner tonight...

Heres the thing, I dont mind babysitting- actually... I love it!... but this family is not personable... they ALWAYS cancel on me.... and they never treat me with the respect I deserve.... I continue to babysit for them because I love their kids and it's not their fault that their parents suck! :( No, the money isnt good- (they always stiff me) - but every single time I go over there, the kids tell me how much they miss me and that they have so much fun while Im there!

Sooooo Im obviously going to do the right thing and uphold my word...

but miss out on seeing this precious little face tonight!!!

Sad times :(

Thursday, August 12, 2010

J

I posted about my friend, J, here.

She is in the midst of one of the hardest things she will ever have to do.

She is waiting.

She is waiting to find out (in the next 24 hours) whether she will be a mother or whether a birth mom will choose to parent her daughter.

She is missing out.

She is missing out on her husbands graduation because she needed to be home for her potential daughters' birth.

She is praying.

She isnt praying for that baby girl to be placed in her arms. She is praying for the Lord's will to prevail- no matter what that is.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
J is one of the strongest women that I have ever met and even though our friendship exists only through our blogs and occasional emails, she is so important to me. She is a woman that radiates love on anyone and everyone she encounters... a woman who has endured more hardship in the past year than many have dealt with in their lifetimes... a woman who wants, more than anything, to be a mother. Even through all this, she still praises our Maker and trusts that his plan will be fullfilled.

I am in awe of J today.

She needs our prayers.

Wont you join me?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm an Aunt!



Finley Claire
born 8/9/10 @ 7:04 am
7 lbs 7 oz
19 inches long



Thursday, August 5, 2010

Fabulous

I had to chuckle today... not only because it was funny... but because I just posted, "You know you're a nanny when..."

Here's a great "add on"

:)


While the kids and I were in Tar.get today picking up some things... a woman stopped me in passing and said,

"I just have to tell you that you look fabulous!"


I was really confused so I just said, "thanks" and continued shopping....

After she walked away.... Itried to figure out why a random lady would tell me that I look fabulous....

I laughed out loud as a realized what she meant...


You look fabulous to have had four kids!


haha! The life of a nanny!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

AHHHHHHH!

OMGOSHHHH!!! My Bloggy friend, J, was officially MATCHED!

I am soooo excited for her! She is going to be such a great mommy!

Hop on over and read up on her story! She has disabled her comments for the time being but she would appreciate all the prayers she can get!!


LOVE YOU J!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

You know you're a Nanny when....

...You've spent 50% of your lifetime watching other peoples' kids.

... You dont say a thing when a finger painting session turns into a body painting session because for once, it's quiet except for giggles.

... You drive a mini van more often than you drive your own car

... You let a 6 year old paint your toenails because 1) it makes her happy and 2) it means you dont have to do it yourself

...You fold laundry while checking email, returning phone calls, and feeding a baby.


...You have a stroller in your trunk and diapers in your purse at all times.


...You'll dance around like a fool just to see them smile
.

...Kids call you mommy by accident... a lot.


...You have no idea how many diapers you've changed in your lifetime.


... You sing to them when they ask because, even though you arent very good, they still like it


... You have spit up AND snot on your shirt before 10am


...You dont sit down to eat because you want to jumpstart the "after lunch" cleaning process so you wont be in the kitchen all afternoon

...You've had a 6 year old walk in on you not once, but twice, while you are showering in the last week when she was supposed to be sleeping


...You forget to pee.


...You can make bottles while half asleep


...You go to bed at 10pm because you know that 6am comes faster than you think.


...The best part of your day is your 5 minute shower after 3 of the 4 kids go to bed.... (but only if you can tone out the sound of a 4 month old screaming to be held.)


... the sound of a baby crying doesn't even phase you

...You have to remember not to wear rings so people don't think they are all yours... and then you have to think twice, and realize you should put them back on so you dont look like a unwed redneck teenager with 4 kids...


...The smell of poop, urine, and vomit does not cause an immediate gag reflex.

...You go places so often with the same kids, that people start telling you, "YOUR kids are getting so big!"


...You miss the kids when you dont see them for 48 hours.


...You sway back and forth even when you dont have a baby in your arms.


...You love each and every crazy, chaotic, ridiculous, hair pulling minute you spend with them because at the end of the day, you still love them....


... even though they aren't even yours.