Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I dont get it

Why is it that when I REALLY REALLY need to buckle down and try to get AHEAD, I find tons of other things to do instead?

Yeah... I dont get it either.


:)

Shepherd's Pie

Classic Southern Dish that always hits the spot :)

Shepherd's Pie
Ingredients:
  • 1.5 lbs ground beef
  • 1-2 cups chopped vegetables (I used corn because thats all I had!)
  • 1.5-2 lb potatoes (or instant potatoes)
  • 8 tablespoons butter (optional)
  • 1/2 cup beef or chicken broth
  • 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
  • Salt, pepper, other seasonings of choice


Directions:
  1. Preheat Oven to 400 degrees
  2. Peel and quarter potatoes, boil in salted water until tender (about 20 minutes) OR PREPARE INSTANT POTATOES while meat and vegetables are cooking)
  3. Brown ground beef in large frying pan until no longer pink
  4. Melt 2 tbp butter in a large frying pan
  5. Add vegetables according to cooking time
  6. Add salt and pepper
  7. Add worcesterchire sauce
  8. Add 1/2 cup broth
  9. Cook UNCOVERED over low heat for 10 minutes (add more broth if needed to keep moist)
  10. Mash Potatoes in a bowl with remainder of butter and season to taste OR prepare instant mashed potatoes if you have not already
  11. Place beef and vegetables in baking dish
  12. Distribute mashed potatoes on top (rough up with a fork so that there are peaks that will brown nicely)
  13. Cook in 400 degree oven until bubbling and brown (about 30 minutes) -- broil for last few minutes if necessary to brown

Serve and Enjoy!
Mmmmm Yummy!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

"depressing infertility blogs."

A fellow blogger asked me one day last week, "Why do you read our depressing Infertility blogs?" So i wanted to take a minute to try to answer that.

Sorry if this is all over the place- I am WAY A.D.D. so I tend to jump around a lot:)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A few years ago, I began following one of my YoungLife leaders' blog because she had moved away and I missed hearing about how she was doing. One day she linked to someone else's blog so I clicked over to check it out. Then, I got hooked on that one too, and then it happened again... and again... and again.... and well you get the picture.

One blog led to another and WA LA!- Now I follow like a million (the majority of which I do not know in person). Due to the fact that I have always hung out with people older than myself, I found myself getting linked to women who were getting married and having babies or not having babies due to infertility.

Once you begin following someones story, no matter what it is, your heart goes out to them and you spend time praying for them (and their struggles) daily. I get so emotionally involved that I cant imagine just walking away from certain blogs.

As many of you know, us bloggers always link to other blogs to spread the prayers and their stories and that's what happened. I somehow stumbled across ONE infertility blog and over time, became invested in many many others.

Infertility is an awful thing. I hate it and I get angry and upset and just plain confused as I follow these struggles- BUT then, sometimes, I get to celebrate with some when they finally have a baby in their belly or in their arms and that's so so worth it. I also get to be an encouraging word when I get the chance. I am able to pray over each one of you and ask God to give you the desires of your heart in HIS time. It stinks to have to wait until He decides that but in my heart, I do believe that one day, each of you WILL be a mother and I cant wait :).

Now, I know that my comments may not mean as much to you guys as, say, a comment from someone else battling infertility, but I will continue to comment because that is what I want to do and I know that if the roles were switched, I would appreciate yours.

It may seem weird to you guys that I follow so many infertility blogs but I never entered the blog world thinking, "hey, I'm gonna find some infertility blogs and read a million of them." but that's the way it happened.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have ALWAYS loved children my whole life and I have always wanted them to be a part of who I am and what I do on a daily basis (hence, why I have decided to go the Sonography route and want to be a mom so bad). I have always had a feeling, deep in my heart, that I would have a hard time having children. I don't know whether it is my extreme lack of faith in my luck (or in my body for that matter) or what... but its been there for years now.

Eventually I talked to my mom about it and I found out that it took my parents 5 years to get pregnant with my little sister (used clomid pills). Obviously that does not mean that I WILL have fertility issues but it just made me realize that it is a possibility... so when I stumbled across these blogs, I felt like I was supposed to read them.

I understand completely that I am not an infertile and that I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel or how hard this is for each of you. I will not try to pretend that I understand because I dont. I have never been there and may never be there. The only thing I know is that God put me in this blog community for a reason and I dont care what it is. You guys are my friends now and it makes no difference to me how that happened.

I hope that this answer doesn't upset anyone or rub anyone the wrong way. I want to be honest and that's it... and just to clarify... :) .... Your blogs are not depressing! Yes, there are times when your posts make my heart ache because of where you are and how you are feeling but there are also times when I find myself laughing out loud or grinning from ear to ear as I read about your triumphs over infertility and your almost aways positive outlook on life. I follow you guys because you are an inspiration to me in a time when I need all the inspiration I can find. You ladies are so strong and it makes me want to be strong too as I go through my own struggles. If you guys can do it, so can I, regardless of what we are battling.

All I can say is that you ladies are great. I could never have imagined the support system that is forming through our blog connections... and like I have said before, sometimes your comments are the only thing that get me through some days.


As far as I know, not one single person who knows me IRL knows about this blog and I would like to keep it that way (well unless I get the opportunity to meet you guys IRL- :) haha). I have a hard time opening up to a lot of real life friends about all this and this is a great alternative for that fear. This is my safe haven- A place where I can go and spill my guts about anything and everything I want and that's the way it will stay.

So I hope that this helps you understand why some random 22 year old college student follows your "depressing infertility blogs." :)

Monday, September 28, 2009

Not Me! Monday

I have always been a long time reader of MckMama's Not Me! Mondays but have never participated until TODAY! I hope you enjoy all of the things that I DID NOT do the past couple of weeks.

One night last week, I most certainly did not take a shower and shave only ONE of my legs and then proceed to get out of the shower and dry off before realizing it. And I would NEVER just decide I was too tired to get back in and do the other and just go to bed with lopsided hairy legs instead.

I did not eat three chocolate mini eclairs for breakfast last Tuesday because I was running later and that was the first thing I saw in my fridge. Nope, not me. I always give myself plenty of time to eat a highly nutritious breakfast to prepare myself for the day.

There is NO possible way that I spent the majority of my 22nd birthday studying my butt off. I definitely partied like it was 1999 and was stoked that my quiz got canceled the next day. Because, you know, I wasn't ready for it anyways.

I have never ever sat on the pot while I... uhh...did my business while also using my laptop because I was just so darn busy, I didn't think I could waste any time not studying. Absolutely not, I would NEVER do that and if I did, I would NEVER tell the blog world about it because that would be WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

I did not watch Grey's Anatomy's season premier and cry THE ENTIRE 87 minutes! Seriously? I mean who gets so attached to the NOT REAL characters that sometimes they forget its just a show and that they didn't REALLY die in real life or get cancer or randomly join the army or have PTSD or are afraid their wife will die in their arms or freakin' decide to merge two of the most competative hospitals in Seattle . Er.... Uh.... Ahem.....yeah not me.

... and you would never find me using a Clor.ox Disposable Toil.et Wand to scrub my filthy bathtub because I just didn't want to have to get down on all fours to do it with a sponge and spray. No way. Never. I always follow the directions to cleaning products and use them in their appropriate area.

Whew! I have to admit, that felt good! Won't you join?! If you are in need of some side-splitting laughter, head on over to http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ to read others.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Im not who I was.

Although its been awful

and continues to get worse.

I finally feel like Im getting closer to closure.

The process sucks but its relieving too.

All I know after these past 5 months...

Im not who I was.





Thursday, September 24, 2009

That settles it.

I started writing this post the week before my birthday...

"N's has been working on a wakeboard movie for the past year that premiers on October 3rd. He has asked me to come numerous times and I have always said, We'll see. I keep going back and forth. I should stay in boro that weekend since my fall break falls after the next weekend and I wont go home two weekends in a row but I have also been involved in the first 7 months of the process and would really like to see the finished product.

My biomechanics professor gave us a possible 5 bonus points to work a race that falls on- you guessed it!- October 3rd. I feel like that is my sign to just stay in boro and get the bonus points and just have N send me a copy. I dont want to be unsupportive but I am also not trying to feel awkward or whatever going to the premier and risk seeing people that could make the night awful. Im not worried about seeing N- Im worried about who I see N WITH."



After all of this... I think I'll go ahead and email the lady to tell her I'll work the race. No reason not to now.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Birthday: Part 4

Friday September 18th

I pack a bag and head home for the weekend to keep Olly and spend some time with my family for my birthday weekend. N had asked me to call him when I got on the road to let him know when Id be there to pick up Olly. We do not usually see one another during the pass off (I dont know if its purposefully or not on his part but its fine by me) since N is usually out on the boat or at school or out of town. So I pick up Olly around 3:30 (No, N was not there) and head home to my parents house.

<Insert Gum Story Here> (click if you have not already read it)

When all of that went down, I immediately called N. 1) because he has a right to know and 2) I wanted his advice. I had JUST talked to him on the phone about 30 minutes earlier as he had called me to check up on Olly (or at least thats what he said) so when I called back and he didnt answer, I was surprised. He had said he was tired and about to go to sleep but it was only 9:30 on a Friday night. I texted him when I got his voicemail saying, "Call me now, its Olly." Of course, he immediately called back.

I explained the situation and asked what he thought I should do. His words, "Allison, Olly is your responsibility this weekend so you are responsible for making decisions regarding his health and wellness." Uh, WHAT?! If something happened to Olly, I would HOPE HE would call ME so I would know what was going on and could help make decisions regarding his health.


He was acting wierd and it and sounded like he was in a car so I asked where he was. He said he was heading out for a bit. I was mad. He had JUST told me he wasnt going out and then didnt answer my call until he realized there was a problem.


I sat there silent (out of anger that is) until he said, "alright well I have to go." I immediately asked, "Why?" because I thought for sure his dog would be more important than whatever else he was getting into.


His response?


"Because in about 20 seconds, Im not going to be able to talk to you."

(meaning that he was going to hang out with HER and of course she doesnt know that he and I still keep in contact OR that I even come get Olly, so he had to get off the phone before he got there. Yeah, I know- A WHOLE 'nother post, for a WHOLE 'nother day)

Im livid at this point. I hang up. Im angry that I ever let myself think that him sending me flowers was some sort of apology for being a freakin jerk the past few months and that he had learned his lesson. Im mad that my dog is with someone who only cares "some of the time" instead of all of the time about whether he is happy and healthy. Nope, N's still as selfish as ever and is more concerned about what he wants to do than about how it is going to affect others.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After the vet the next morning, I simply texted N to let him know "Olly's blood and Liver tests came back good, precautionary meds just in case." (I knew it was the right thing to do even if he didnt care the night before what was happening).

He calls as Im getting home from the vet and I play the "business" card and I give him the facts, keep it short, and then tell him I'd let him know when I would be dropping Olly off the next day. He seems hurt by it but doesnt say anything so thats what I did.

Sunday:

Olly and I get up and go walk the 2.5 mile loop at the beach before coming home, playing for a bit, and then me trying to pack up without Olly getting too stressed out about the fact that he knew I was going to be leaving soon (He's a very smart and intuitive dog if you cant tell).

N is not at his apartment when I drop Olly off but as Im there (for various reasons I dont even want to go into), I decide that I will no longer keep my mouth shut about what a deuschbag he's being (excuse my language) and Im going to give him a piece of my mind. I fight the tears as I leave Olly and when I get on the road, I send N a text saying, "I just dropped Olly off, I'd like to speak with you later."

He called me 20 minutes later. I knew he was surrounded by people because he was on the river. I refused to speak to him. He got mad, said he was having a shitty day and that if Im gonna lay it on thick to just do it now. I said, No, I would like to speak with you later when you are alone and there will be no interruptions. He's mad but agrees and we hang up.


Halfway through my drive, he calls again, says he's alone, and asks me what I'd like to talk about.


I told him I didnt want him to say a word, that I needed to get everything off my chest and tell him what I think first and then he can say or do whatever he wants in response.


Heres how it went:


"Ive been putting this off for a while because you seem to be having a rough couple of days but Ive decided that I cant not tell you how I feel about all this. I am really angry with you. I've tried really hard to keep myself guarded from being hurt again but with you, obviously that is not possible to do. I dont want you to think that I did not appreciate the flowers and phone calls on my birthday because they were beautiful and they did make my day better. However, I want to know what you were thinking when you did that. You have a girlfriend and you are sending your ex-girlfriend flowers behind her back. On top of that, you said that you were even thinking about driving all the way to my aparmtnet at school to surprise me and I dont understand why you would ever think that was okay to do behind HER back. Im realizing that she doesnt even know that we still speak and that she has no idea that I come home to keep Olly at all.


You are being really unfair to me. Its like you want your cake and you want to eat it too. You dont want me but you want to keep me close enough that no one else can have me either. No other person would be giving you the benefit of the doubt like I am after all you've put me through these 5 months. I have kept my mouth shut about a lot of things because I do not want to rock the boat and not be able to see Olly. You are being selfish by doing the things you are doing and leading me on and saying one thing one day but doing another the next. I am not okay with you stringing me along while you have a girlfriend on the side and I would appreciate it if you would make up your mind and stick with it. If you dont care about hurting me, I want to know so that I can go ahead and prepare for the next 7 months to be even harder than I Imagine now.... until I can come home and see Olly on a more consistant basis.

You keep telling me that you are thinking about giving Olly to me when I graduate but I dont want you to tell me that crap if you dont have any intention of following through with it. You know that I would give anything to have Olly all the time and I dont want to get my hopes up and then have you pull the rug out from under me.

Im just really hurt, I never thought things would turn out this way between us and although I know we are both dealing with this in different ways, Id like to believe that I make decisions based on whether or not they will hurt you. Ultimately, I do things and do not do things on the basis that I would never want ANYONE, including YOU, to feel the hurt that Ive felt through all this. I want to believe that you care about me more than you are acting but its pretty hard sometimes, considering the circumstances."

He immediately apologized about sending the wrong message with the flowers and said he didnt know what he thought when he did it. He wanted to make my birthday happy but he didnt think about the fact that he was doing it behind gf's back and how that would make me feel. He didnt realize that he was stringing me long (yea, right) and that he was sorry and would try not to do that anymore. He said that no, new gf (whom I will call S) does not know that we still speak and that if she did, it would be a huge problem bc she is very jealous of me and would feel extremely threatened if she knew I kept Olly or spoke to N at all.


One of the things that always bothered N while we were dating was the fact that I was a jealous girl and always worried about other girls coming around. Its ironic to me that he is now with a girl that is WAY MORE jealous than I ever was but for some reason he doesnt see the warning signs.

I told him that I felt bad for S (well kinda) because I know how bad it would hurt me if I found out my boyfriend was sending his ex flowers and that I didnt understand why he was with her anyways- I mean, seriously, he never seems happy with the situation and it seems to be so drama filled that I dont see why he wouldnt just give up and move on to something else (no, i do not mean me.) or nothing at all.


The next 2 hours- Yes, 2 HOURS - was filled with him telling me way too much information about their relationship in an attempt to be honest with me and make sure that I knew everything so he "wouldnt be keeping anything from me."

I sat there in my car, even after I pulled into the parking lot, not knowing why I was even still on the phone listening to this crap. Basically, she is an awful person who has done more horrible things to him in the past few months than I ever did, or would EVER DO, during our time together. Shes controlling, and stubborn, and jealous, and moody, and selfish. He told me that at the current moment, she refuses to speak with him because she saw pictures on facebook of N and I from one of our florida trips and it made her mad that he did with her what he had done with me (take a trip to fl?.... dont ask, I dont know- she seems crazy?) Why he is with her, I have no idea but he is and there is nothing I can do or say to change that.


At one point, he said, "I bet after knowing all this, you feel good about the fact that I am getting what I deserve, huh?"


And you know what, for a split second, knowing how awful shes been to him already DID make me feel a little better about it all. I knew at that moment that I would have never done those things to him and if he was not happy with someone that treated him with respect and love, then he does deserve all of this crap. If he is not smart enough to get out of the relationship, then he deserves whatever he allows her to do to him.


On the other hand, I felt a huge sense of sorrow for him. I dont understand WHY he would choose to continue with someone who hurts him so badly all the time but who am I to answer that?!

I dont know. I got off the phone with him and was filled with so many emotions, I just wanted to sit in my shower and cry. I felt bad for me. I felt bad for him.... and I dread even thinking about how hard this year is going to be.


On Monday, I texted him (Business-like again) to make sure he was remembering to give Olly his meds (bc you know guys are dumb and dont ever remember important stuff.) and he replied with a "Yup :)" Well if you knew N, you would know that he NEVER uses smiley faces so I responded, "Is that a smiley face? whats wrong with you?" He replied, "haha just got back from S's house and she said we was over it. Im relieved in a wierd way."

You would have thought I'd be stoked by that text but I was not. I was indifferent. It meant nothing to me. I was not upset. I was not glad. I was nothing. I knew if I let myself believe what he was insinuating, I would probablly be hurt in a matter of days when it was all worked out and "normal" again. so I didnt reply. What would I have said anyways?

So the next day (Tuesday), I get out of a 3 hour lab to a text from him saying,
"did you misinterpret my text last night?"

Me: "what do you mean?"

N: "How did you take it?"

Me: "I took it how it was suppose to be taken but I will not hold stock in the statement considering that things will probably change again soon and then I'll get hurt once again."

N: "Oh... sorry. Have a good day allison..."

Me: "I mean seriously, N, yal are on then ur off then ur on again. If I really believed this was it, then itd be great... but I dont believe that- Im not that lucky."

He didnt respond.

I havent spoken to him since.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

At this point, I feel like just giving up.

Give up trying to knock sense into him.

Give up on believing that he will change.

Give up on the belief that not all people only care about themselves.

Give up believing that every day will get better.

Just give up.



Awful, I know but that is where I am right now.


Although I was not trying to be with N at the moment, the possibility was always in the back of my mind that it could happen in the far far future once we both had the chance to experience life apart and then see what direction we wanted to go. But now, I dont know. The wounds are deeper than ever before and they arent healing fast enough before the next thing comes along and reopens them. I wont stop fighting though, for Olly. I know this year is going to be hard simply because of that reason. I am hoping and praying that N will follow through and that he will let me take Olly when I graduate. At this point, All I want is my dog.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Birthday: Part 3

I was
pleasantly surprised
excited
confused
and livid.
All at the same time.

I was so excited that he would do something like that.
something that he never did before
but knew I would love it.

I was so pissed, too.
How could he?!
He has a girlfriend
and Im pretty positive
he didnt tell her he
was sending his ex flowers
for her birthday.
Why would he do something
so awful and misleading to me?!

I, of course, called him and thanked him for the flowers. Told him it was really sweet and asked why he decided to do it considering that he has never done it before. His response?

"I've learned a lot in the past 5 months. I know that I didnt always treat you the way I should and Im sorry that I never did things like this for you when it really mattered. I just wanted you to see that Im learning. I wanted to do this for you"

Although I knew that the girlfriend thing was in the back of my mind, I didnt want to ruin the day so I kept my mouth shut. I thanked him again and got off the phone to get ready and head to dinner with my friends.

After dinner, I came back to my place to study for our NOT CANCELED quiz the next day and finally hit the hay at 1am but not before receiving yet ANOTHER call from N. He was about to go to bed and "wanted to make sure I had had a good birthday." Now, he had told me earlier (before dinner) that he would call me before he went to bed but when 10 and 11pm rolled around, I figured, people dont change so why would I think HE would today?- he probably forgot and went to sleep. He did not forget. While we were on the phone, he asked me what I would have done if he had driven to Greensboro to surprise me? I told him I would have been surprised but that I would have just invited him to come to dinner with everyone. He said he was thinking about doing that but was afraid I would send him away at the door.

As the conversation came to a close, I said bye and was about to hang up when he said,
"hey."
I didnt know what he was about to say so I braced myself...."Yeah?"
"I dont know. I just dont want to get off the phone with you..."
"Oh okay..."
"I just feel like when we get off the phone something is missing."
"Like what...?"
"I dont know, like we leave the conversation hanging every time..."

I knew at that moment that he was referring to the fact that we didnt say I love you anymore. My heart jumped up into my chest and I knew I would freaking die right there if he tried to say that after everything he has put me through.

So I replied, "Yeah, I know. Well hey, thanks for everything N, It really made my birthday a good one. I'll talk to you later, Sleep well."

and at that, the conversation ended.

Part 4, later. I dont even want to think about writing it right now. Oh, and PS, my biomechanics quiz was NOT given that Friday. He forgot the quizzes in his office... so basically I sat home on my birthday night studying for no reason. yea...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Birthday: Part 2

My exam was at 5:30pm so I got myself up around 9am and headed to campus to study until my 2pm class and then again until the exam. I was literally on campus ALL DAY. N called me around 12:30pm to "check up on me" and we talked for a bit about how stressed he is about life right now and then he said he'd call me after he got out of class that night. I was confused as to why he wanted to speak with me so many times but figured it was because he was trying to make sure I had a good birthday- blah blah, ya know, all that good stuff.


While in my 2 o'clock, I saw my phone ringing on the table and was surprised to see that it was my roommate. We never talk so I was wondering what the heck she was calling about. Luckily we were having group discussions so I was able to quietly answer her call. It went something like this...

Roomie: Hey, are you expecting any deliveries today?
Me: Um, no. Should I?!
Roomie: well you have something here waiting for you.
Me: What is it?
Roomie: ummm.... I'll send you a picture.

and

THIS

IS

WHAT

IT

WAS....


Card was signed, "Some dude"

Never for a single second did I question who "some dude" was.

N had asked for my address and earlier that week, he had randomly confirmed my favorite flower.

When he asked me these things, I thought, MOMENTARILY that is, that he might have something up his sleeve but definitely pushed it out of my head because he NEVER did those things while we were dating so WHY would he EVER do it now when we aren't dating and he has a new girlfriend?!

But yes, after I suffered through my exam, I quickly drove back to my apartment to see for myself, if this "delivery" was real....

It was.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Birthday: Part 1

I am going to try to recount the last few days without allowing new information to cloud how it was when it actually happened. I'll do my best and Sorry, but this one's gonna have to be in parts.

September 17th, 2009

12:01 am.... I receive this in a text

Caption: "Happy Birthday Mommy!"

(isn't he so precious?!)

15 minutes later...

The first person calls me to wish me a happy birthday (12:16am)

Guess who?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Yup, it was N - Groggy and frantic that he didn't call right at midnight. Apparently he set an alarm to wake him up at 12:01 am so he could be the first and completely slept through it for 15 whole minutes.

We talked for 45 minutes even though I kept insisting he go back to sleep since he sounded really tired. I, on the other hand, was wide awake because I had taken a nap in the middle of the day. He declined so many times in the first 5 minutes that I stopped asking.

He asked me what I was going to do... I said study for my test and he was immediately bummed for me. He knew my birthday was crap last year for the same reason. I don't remember what we talked about but he was asking a lot of specific questions about my schedule the next day and when I would be at my apartment.

I didn't ask questions. Just answered his.

It was nice of him to call me on my birthday... and even nicer that he set an alarm to do so....

part 2 coming tomorrow.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

X.yli.tol makes my wallet lighter :(



Friday-
Picked up Olly on my way into town
Hung out with him for the afternoon
Went to dinner with the rents
Gone for less than two hours.
__________________________

We got home around 8:30pm
about 9:30pm, I noticed THIS
(obviously EMPTY and CHEWED UP
on the floor in my bedroom.

If you cant tell, the package says "WITH XYL.ITOL"
If you don't know, xylit.ol can kill dogs if ingested at a toxic level

Xyl.itol is an artificial sweetener used in sugarless gums and candy. While safe for human consumption, it can be fatal for dogs if ingested by causing a dangerous drop in blood sugars (due to a surge of insulin) and possible liver failure. Symptoms can show for up to 30 minutes.

So I completely FREAK OUT!!! I'm yelling for my dad and then I'm calling N and then looking up symptoms online to be looking for.
2 sticks is fatal for a 20 lb dog.
Olly ate 15.
Hes 76 lb.

If you do the math, that's not good.

Olly did not have ANY of the symptoms that were listed (Vomiting, lethargy, lack of coordination, seizures) so I called the Emergency Animal Hospital who advised me to call a 1-800 number for the animal poison hot line to get a "case number" from them. I didn't even talk to a real person and the recording told me that I would have a pay $35 up front.. Um no. So I hang up and call the Emergency vet back and get the SAME GIRL who is irritated that I called back. I ask her why I need to pay $35 to get a case number if I'm just going to bring him in to them anyways. She says, "Mam, they are PROFESSIONALS and we require you speak to one of them before bringing him in. We will NOT treat him without a case number." Oh well great, I'm glad I'm being advised to call the PROFESSIONALS since apparently NO ONE at the EMERGENCY ANIMAL HOSPITAL is a professional. So I ask her, "about how much will it cost me for you guys to look at him tonight?" And she replies, "a minimum of $200 mam."
WHATTTTT?! At that point I asked if there was anywhere else I could take him that wouldn't cost that much and she said no, I thanked her, and she immediately hung up.

At that point, I made the decision to keep an eye on Olly since he was acting completely normal (running around, chasing the cat, playing fetch, etc) and wait until the morning when I could call our own vet. I barely slept because everything he did I seemed to think it was a "symptom."

Saturday-
8am: I finally got up and called the vet who told me to bring him right in. 2 tests, 2 hours and $193 later, I left with good tests results and some precautionary medicines. His blood work came back within the normal range and his liver function looks good also. He will go back in 10 days for a re-check.Who?! Me?!
Waiting for test results is tiring...
WHEW! I'm not happy about the bill but I'm glad Olly is okay. I knew he SEEMED fine but I would never had forgiven myself if I didn't bring him in and something happened later. At least he has fresh breath???!!!.... sigh... Dumb Dog.
Doesn't he look happy to be there?! :)
I will post a birthday update soon- I have lots more to tell than I originally thought (as of 5 minutes ago). You will probably gasp, laugh, and then get pissed right along with me when you hear the WHOLE thing. The whole thing may have to be in installments as I am already dreading having to relive it and type it all up.... Id much rather just go to sleep for a long long time and forget about it but ya know, not possible. Overall, I had a good birthday. Obviously I could have done without the drama you will hear all about but I'm not that lucky so I didn't expect it anyways. I just didn't think it would continue all the way through the weekend....

Friday, September 18, 2009

i will post sometime soon. a lot to tell... sigh.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Happy Birthday RB... and ME!

I seriously feel like just yesterday I was turning 16 and getting my drivers license and now... I'm the big honkin' 22! whoa! Man, I'm getting old! :)

Even though I would LOVE to sleep in today since I do not have class until 2pm, I will not. I'm going to get up, head to campus by 9 and study my tushy off until my exam at 530! Wish me luck!

Today, I get to share a birthday with my best bloggy friend, RB! I'm so glad that I get to share my birth day with such an awesome and supportive friend like her! I have never met her, nor do I even know her real name, but she is a a constant source of encouragement and kind words... that sometimes is the only thing that keeps me moving forward! If you get a chance, head over, check out her story, and give her a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY blog-hug :)

Thanks RB for always being there to read every one of my ramblings and give me encouragement and advice from the heart! Your friendship means so much to me and I thank God every day for allowing you to become a support system I never thought I would truly find here in blogland! Have a great birthday! :)


PS (no reply from professor yet if anyone is wondering- hopefully in the am! keep you fingers crossed!)

Also, N texted me earlier asking for my address here at school????!!!! I gave it to him but I have no idea why he needed it?! I didnt ask because I was hard-core studying with a friend and didnt want to get myself worked up about the many possible reasons why he might need it. I guess we'll find out eventually. ??? I dont know what to think. :(

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Again!?

Last year on my birthday, I had my first Chemistry exam of the semester and then the very next day, I had an Exercise Physiology exam. Soo what did I do on my birthday?! Study. Yes folks, thats all I did on my 21st birthday- I did not celebrate with friends and family or even have a remotely good time... I simply studied. What got me through that birthday was the knowledge that NEXT YEAR, my birthday would be better and I would celebrate double time and enjoy it.

Fast forward to "next year" (which is now for those of you having a hard time following along)
and I find...

I was wrong about my double time celebration.
History is repeating itself.

Not only do I have a Chemistry Exam tomorrow
but I NOW (as announced today) have a Biomechanics Quiz on Friday.

I almost cried when my professor announced the Quiz.

I have plans to go to dinner with some friends and then we were just gonna hang out afterwards at an Oyster Bar listening to good music and having a few drinks (them mostly, not me- alcohol is yuck unless its masked by some fruity flavor like in a strawberry daquiri :)

But Nope, that will not occur this year.

Dinner is still on but I will then promptly return to my apartment to study for my "oh so not expected for friday" quiz.

Thanks UNCG professors for 2 great birthdays in a row!

PS. In my desperation, I did actually email my biomechanics professor asking (okay maybe begging) him to move the quiz to Monday so I dont have to cry. Is that bad? haha We'll see what he says when... I mean IF... I get a response :0)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Steak Stir Fry

Ingredients:
  • 1/4 lb multi grain spaghetti, uncooked
  • 1/2 lb boneless beef sirloin steak, cut into strips (You can get pre-cut stir-fry Steak strips in the meat section)
  • 2 Tbsp Soy Sauce
  • 1 cup Broccoli Florets
  • 1 can baby corn (cut in half if desired)
  • 1 cup baby carrots (sliced into halves or quarters)
  • 1/4 cup reduced sodium chicken broth
Directions:
  1. Cook Spaghetti in large saucepan as directed on package
  2. Heat dressing and soy sauce on medium heat
  3. Add broccoli, corn, carrots to saucepan and stir fry for 3 minutes or until vegetables are crisp-tender
  4. Add meat (and more soy sauce if needed) and stir fry 2-3 minutes or until meat is cooked through
  5. Drain spaghetti and return to same pan
  6. Add broth
  7. Add meat and vegetable mixture to noodles
  8. mix lightly
Serve and Enjoy!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Bricks.

Is this going to be
how it always feels?
I thought Id be okay.
Told myself I would.

I knew it was coming.
Prepared.
Or so I thought.

Its a trick.
My words cant
make reality.
My thoughts
cant control
the hurt.

I suck
at this game.

I know.
I knew.
Never the same.

A rollarcoaster.
He is. He isnt.
Rumors are true.
then they arent.

I dont speak with him.
Then all of a sudden,
he calls me out of the blue.

makes a comment
that makes
me think
rumors are true.

thats good.
relief.
false.

I want to believe that
he didnt do it to hurt me.
but it does.
Its excruciating.

I will not cry.
At least I'll try
not to.

Facebook is a curse.
N is now officially...
"in a relationship"

I dont curse,
but I will.
Fuck this.

He happens to call
3 days before
he makes a "rumor"
offical.

Why?!
Wish I knew.

He was relieved
to hear my voice.
But it was all for nothing.

To make him feel better?
To clear his conscience?
To make things worse for me?

I dont believe
anyone anymore.
It will always be hard.
I dont care what
anyone says.


I just want
my dog.
to be mine.
and mine alone.

Then I can pretend
he doesnt
exist.

but he does.
and I cant pretend.
Fuck.

I cant do this anymore.
But I have no choice.
I cant control
others.

I cant help
this feeling.

The bricks.
That were dumped
on my chest
when I saw it

I blinked.
Tried to believe
it wasnt true
even though
I knew
it was.

I knew.
but I hoped.
I was wrong.

First time.
Second time.
Third time.

cant prepare.
not for real.

it doesnt change.
always hard.
always hurts.
always.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Convo with N and Heart Talk

(Sorry Jess, I know you hate the long ones, but sometimes when I start writing, I just cant stop until all my thoughts are out! :) I understand if you guys dont want to take the time to read this- This blog is really just a journal of my life right now- I want to be able to look back and see how far I have come later on (HOPEFULLY!) But I would love everyones input if you all feel led to do so!)

So as many of you can tell, the other day was not an easy day for me. Im stressing about school and my roomate is stressing me out even though things have been going great so far and to top it all off, N sent me a message around 4pm on facebook (of which he NEVER does) that said, "F*** my life." ??? I was confused but just asked, "what happened" and left it at that. Later, he texted me while I was trying to study, due to my facebook status that could have, maybe, asked someone to shoot me because I was over it all- ha. It went something like this.

N: what are you over?
A: Life.
N: Whats wrong?
A: Everything.
N: Specifics please.
A: Dont worry about it.
N: Please, I want to hear it.
A: Just the usual. Everything going wrong. Im too emotionally exhausted to deal with it anymore. Hows Baby Boy?
N: Can I help? He's sick then good then sick then good. He dumped on Ronnie's* bed haha
A: The fact that he pooped on Ronnie's bed just helped a little. Ha. He needs to see the Vet again.
N: May I call you? Or would you rather not? I understand if you dont.
A: Thats fine.

*ronnie is N's roomate.

I know you love how I kept it short and then immediately changed the subject to Olly. That always seems to work.... well until he asks for permission to call me- then it was all negated I guess.

The conversation was fine. He let out a huge sigh when I answered the phone so of course I said what?! and He said, "its just really good to hear your voice." I had heard through the grapevine that he and new girlfriend were not really together but just on a "trial" basis. whatever that means. Anyways that has nothing to do with this post- just something I thought I would put out there for you. Conversation was normal- yet awkward because I was trying to make sure that I didnt get too comfortable and just talk normal since things arent normal (that is hard because he makes me really comfortable). I had no desired outcome for the conversation and it pretty much covered the fact that N is screwing his life right now and is really not doing well. I completely avoided the whole girlfriend subject because honestly, I dont want to know. I care about what is going on in his life because I care about him but I dont need to know EVERYTHING- so whether what I heard is true or not, I dont know and I dont need to know. Basically N has dropped half of his classes at school because he has not been going to them. He spent the day drinking ALONE today (of which he has NEVER done). He has only drank enough to get buzzed 2x in his whole life and its just not his nature to drink (one of the reasons we got along so well- we both never had the desire to drink). He pretty much told me that he is really unhappy with where his life if going and regrets a lot of what he has done over the past few years. Of course, my response was uh, thanks because the statement really made it seem like he was referring to me. He clarified by saying that I am NOT one of those regrets but that he does regret how he treated me and how awful things ended up. Basically summed up that he knew he was a piece of sh** and that he was sorry. Umm... I reminded him that he is the only one who can control what kind of person he is- whether good or bad.

I know many of you could give me a good lecture on even speaking to him after all that has gone on but you dont need to- Im still struggling with whether that was a good move but I do believe that I am continuing to be supportive in my usual way. No, speaking with him tonight does not, in any way, make me want to be with him again and yes, I am glad I was able to touch base with him. Does his lifestyle still hurt me? Absolutely and I dont even know all of what that entails but
I refuse to give up on him as a person and if me talking to him once every couple of weeks, that is fine by me if it helps him. I know that this is a big time in his life because he is finding himself (without me) and it is needed.


Its a tough situation. Hearing the things that he is doing and regretting makes me know that this was the right move for us. I kept him grounded and prevented him from doing unusual things because of the accountability we placed on one another without even saying a word. When we met, neither of us drank (by choice) and both of us were honest people who cared about others way more than many of them deserved. I now see that with me gone, he is having a hard to keeping those values. I dont know if he is experiencing these things and then will go back to his normal self or if he is experiencing these things and will decide to maintain his new new lifestyle (god i hope not). Other than being hurt, I am not at all angry that he is going through this stage. I feel that it is a needed part of our separation/breakup. He needs to find his footing without me pre-setting it and then stand back on his own two feet with values he has built alone instead of values that I have had stock in.

I know he is going to make mistakes. He already has. But I want him to learn from these mistakes and be his own person so that in the end- he is who he chooses to be instead of who he was because he was with me. I never once told N not to drink or party or whatever when we were together- it was just a decision that we made silently with each other when everyone else decided that was how they were going to spend their weekend- we always decided together to call it a night- watch a movie and hit the hay.

I love him for who he is- flaws and all. And although I wish he could skip this step in life- the trial and error of being a young adult- I know he cant and that he needs to experience this to feel that he has moved forward and established who he is.

He said again that he is thinking he will give Olly to me when i graduate but i dont want to get my hopes up and then it not happen. Ill worry about that when I get to it.

Its wierd that I am still hurting, yet feeling more peaceful about the situation, yet upset that we arent together anymore, yet excited for the future. I love him and if the Lord sees it fit to work in him over the next few years into the man I am supposed to marry- then so be it. but if not- I want that to be completely clear to me and I want to feel peace about that situation. Right now, I know that he is not who I need to be with and it sucks but I will continue to trust that the Lord will carry me through and make sense of all this in the end.

I will always look back at my time with N and smile because he made up a good portion of my life. No matter what he does wrong in life- I think I will always be right there to support him and pick him back up if I can.

I dont know what I think- I know I dont want to be with him right now- the wounds are still too fresh but I also dont want to imagine us ever not being on good terms.


Sometimes I think I love him too much for my own good. {sigh}


If you get a minute, please pray that the Lord will work on my heart and mind so that I will feel at peace with everything that is happening in my life and trust that in the end, it will all make sense.

" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Its official...

Im freakin over this.

Over school.
Over people.
Over being hurt.
Over Chemistry.
Over Greensboro.
Over being stressed.
Over having a mile-long To Do list.
Over being upset.
Over being disappointed.
Over trying to keep myself together.
Over trying to get over N.

Im just over this... ugh.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

9/9/09

So today I realized it's 9/9/09. When did I realize this? In class when I wrote the date at the top of my notes. Why is this significant?! No reason really except for the fact that it made me remember when it was 9/9/99 (which is so way cooler). Does it make me old that I actually remember writing that date on my papers exactly 10 years ago and thinking it was cool that it was soley 9's?! ha. Random, I know!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Saucy Pork Medallions

First of all, let me go ahead and defend myself by saying that I DID follow the directions to this recipe and that it DID taste good even if it looked... like it did not taste good! :) haha!


I made this pork chop dish the other night...
and it was supposed to look like this...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm so serious when I say that this recipe probably should have been tweaked before being placed on the Internet by its author! Id suggest keeping all of the parts separate as they cook (because we can all tell that the ingredients in the pictures were!) instead of cooking it together so they don't get all mushy looking OR use less gravy/dressing than the recipe calls for!

Here it is! (since I KNOW you guys are all jumping to make this one! ;) ha!

Saucy Pork Medallions

Ingredients:

  • 2 tsp oil
  • 1-1.5 lb pork chops or tenderloins
  • 3 cups peas (frozen or canned)
  • 1 can (10oz) turkey gravy
  • 1/4 cup Kraft zesty Italian dressing
  • 1 pkg (6oz) Stove Top Stuffing mix for chicken

Directions:

  1. HEAT oil in large nonstick skillet on medium-high heat
  2. Add meat; cook 5 min or until each piece is browned on both sides
  3. STIR in peas, gravy, and dressing
  4. Bring to a boil. MEANWHILE prepare stuffing as directed on package
  5. SPOON stuffing over meat mixture around edge of skillet
  6. Cover and simmer on medium-low heat for 10 minutes (or until stuffing is heated through and meat is done)

I really contemplated including this recipe (AND PICTURE!!) this week and decided to keep on with my original plan to blog about my new adventures in cooking! :) Let's be honest, you've got to jack up a few meals now and again if you are ever going to get them right! Luckily, it tasted good even though it looked weird.

I guess you live, you learn.... er.... You cook, you learn? Whatever! haha.

P.S. My Chem class was canceled tonight!! WAHOO!!

Monday, September 7, 2009

UGH

(Warning: This is a vent. If you dont feel like reading, then dont.)

Olly was sick with some digestive issues last time I kept him and was on a bunch of meds to try to help. In addition to that, the last 3 times Ive kept him , Ive also found some fleas here and there on him. I nicely reminded N to put Olly's monthly flea medication on him and of course he didnt do it for another 2 weeks- a great amount of time for the fleas to reproduce and become worse. Well, obviously I havent spoken to N since I kept Olly for his birthday weekend and found out that new girl is now new girlfriend. The Monday after that weekend, I received a text from N saying "Thank you for keeping Olly this weekend. I hope you are okay." WTF?? What do you think, N?! Oh yeah, Im awesome, so glad you've moved on and left me behind- ugh. I chose not to respond to the text because honestly, I had nothing to say.

Well, N is notorious for not doing Olly's meds and appointments when they are due. He always gets around to it eventually but its usually when I go ahead and make the appointments or hound him until he does it. Anyways- I was curious as to whether Olly was doing better over the past week or so since I finished his meds that weekend, so I text N last night with a simple, "Is Olly doing any better?" It was well after midnight so I didnt think Id get a response until today. Now, every single time I try to contact N, I always wonder whether this will be the time when he will decide he wants to cut me off and not let me see Olly anymore. I was beginning to think that this may be that time (of which I will freak and fight to keep Olly on my own) but he finally responded around noon saying "no, he is resick and I dont know what to do because I have no money to bring him back to the vet." SERIOUSLY?! Are you freakin kidding me? You cant just ignore your dog's illness because you have no money to bring him to the vet! I know that neither he, nor I have a lot of money but I would find a way to bring him to the vet if it meant he got better. I can tell when Olly is feeling like crap and his birthday weekend was one of those times. I felt awful and knew that he needed more TLC than usual since he felt yucky. Guys just dont see things like that and N probablly just treated him normal and ugh.

I offered to pay for Olly's vet bill this time and N refused. He has never been one to take charity but at this point, Im not willing to let this one go considering that Olly's health is the issue. Since I had N's attention (through texts that is) I went ahead and cleared me keeping Olly for the weekend of Sept 18th- and he said that was fine! (Hallelujah!) My birthday is on the 17th so I figured I would take the weekend off of work and head home to spend it with Olly and my family. I guess I will text N next week and see if he still has not brought Olly to to the vet and if he has not, I am going to make an appointment for that weekend. Im really going to have to scrounge to pay for it but you gotta do what you gotta do and luckily my first paycheck comes in on the 15th.

Im just so annoyed. I do not have the choice to be Olly's sole provider right now because 1) I dont think N would ever got for it and 2) I cant have pets in my apartment at school so I would have nowhere to keep him until I graduate and even then, I wouldnt be able to live with my parents while Im going through sonography school if I keep Olly. I dont know how to make this situation better?! Like Ive said before, I refuse to give up my time with Olly because of N and I's situation. I dont see N keeping Olly from me but like always, I have to prepare myself for the worst. I dont even know if new gf even knows I still keep Olly which would make me mad. N and I got Olly together- Its like a child- and obviously I dont get to see him very often and Ill be darned if I dont get to see him when I want to. By the time I keep Olly this next time it will have been 3 weeks! I dont think Ive ever gone that long without seeing him and its killing me but I also have to be logical. Going home is stressful for me and really, the only reason I do right now is to see Olly and my family. I know this year will go by fast but Its just really hard for me to be at school while N and Olly are back home and I dont know if N is doing what he needs to do to keep Olly healthy. I know N loves Olly just as much as I do- he's just not like me and its scary to know that N is not taking Olly's health seriously right now. I dont want N to put it off so long that Olly gets REALLY sick and needs major surgery or meds or its even too late. I would never forgive N. I know Im jumping the gun because none of this is happeneing yet but gosh, its stressful. UGH!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Apple CousCous

Ive always heard great things about couscous but have never had the guts to actually buy it and try it... until now! All I have to say is... TWO THUMBS UP! I tweaked the recipe I found online and it turned out great! Mmmmmm, Yummy!

Apple CousCous


Ingredients:
  • 1.5 cups apple juice
  • 3 scoops CousCous
  • 1/4 cup water
  • small handful of dried mixed fruit
  • small handful of sliced almonds
  • 1 large apple (peeled, cored, and sliced)
  • 1-2 tbs light brown sugar
  • plain yogurt

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 400F
  2. place apple juice and water in a pan and bring it to a boil (stirring occasionally)
  3. Add couscous and dried fruit
  4. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes (or until all free liquid is absorbed)
  5. Spoon half of the couscous mixture into ovenproof dish (I used two small individual cassarole dishes instead for storage reasons.
  6. Top with half of the apple slices
  7. Top with remaining couscous
  8. Sprinkle with sliced almonds
  9. Arrange remaining applie slices overlapping the top
  10. Sprinkle with brown sugar
  11. Bake for 20-22 minutes
  12. Serve hot with yogurt
:) You can use couscous in all kinds of ways by simply changing the liquid used to prepare the couscous (ie water, chicken broth, juice, etc). Couscous seems to be used for just about every meal from breakfast to chicken couscous for dinner or like I tried, a desert couscous. Hopefully I will get a chance to try more eventually! Enjoy!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Dang, my feet hurt!

Unfortunately, I have been VERY UNproductive this week on the school front. I need to start studying for my Biomechanics quiz on Friday and TEACH myself 2 weeks worth of Chemistry since my professor thinks that he should make any and all students who ask questions feel stupid. I also need to start a project for my Business Communications class and get a jump start on 2.5 weeks worth of laundry. Hmmm I think I need to get on that long list of "To Do's" and do it ASAP.

I went with a few friends last night to The Co.me.dy Zo.ne to see some local comedians perform at a great price (I had a 2 for 1 ticket coupon!) I had a great time except for the expensive food, $4 waters and LOTS of drunk people smoking all around me. Ha! You'd think I would get used to it by now since like 25% of people smoke these days but I havent. Its gross and bothers the crap out of me that people arent respectful of others when they choose to pay a company to kill them prematurely... but whatever. For the most part, the comedians were really funny (although a little inappropriate at times).
ANYWAYS, This morning I got up early, drove to Asheboro and went with a couple of girls to the North Carolina Zoo! I have never been (at least not at an age I can remember) so I was excited to see everything- Apparantly the entire city of Asheboro had the same idea because it was CROWDED and HOT HOT HOT but it was so neat to see such amazing animals up close!I didnt have much time to hang out with them after the Zoo because I had to drive home and get to work by 5pm. I knew before I had even left the zoo that I was going to regret doing so much standing and walking when I got to work. Bottom Line, I have jacked up feet. Im 21 years old and my feet hurt like Im a 7 month pregnant woman by the end of the day. Ive been told I probably have bone spurs in my heels and that I need some major orthotics made just for me if I want to get through a day without major pain. Pathetic, I know. Anyways, I was right. I was definately having some discomfort by the time I got to work and was literally trying keep myself from just sitting down in the middle of the store within 2 hours of my shift starting out of pure pain. Luckily, I made it to 9:30 and have been sitting with my feet propped up since then as I watch the HGTV channel :) Hahahaha I feel like an old lady but Dang! My feet hurt!!
This week, I am planning to try a few new SIMPLE recipes so if you have any ideas, shoot them this way, please! Im not picky but I dont like onions or tomato chunks- haha. I will try to post about how it goes randomly throughout the week! :)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Still here

Okay so I have finally picked my pathetic self off of the ground and decided to return to life in the real world... Okay, maybe this week hasnt been THAT dramatic, but tough nonetheless. Ive been really busy and my heart just wasnt really into blogging while dealing with all these crazy emotions. Wierd... I know since I normally let all those emotions out for you all to read.

Things I HAVE been doing over the past week....
  • thinking
  • praying
  • crying
  • hoping
  • wishing
  • praying some more
  • working
  • studying
  • sleeping
  • praising a God who never changes.

Its has been a rough week. If Im busy enough, I am usually fine- my mind is occupied and I dont think about everything. Ive been doing pretty good- sometimes it just hits me right in the face and literally knocks me off my feet. The emotions are overwhelming. I just try to push those thoughts out of my head and keep moving forward. There is nothing I can do about the circumstances Im in but I CAN decide how I am going to respond to what has happened.

I just read a post by Nikki and it really helped me put everything into perspective.

To get God's "more,"

sometimes we have to hurt.

Plain. and. Simple. I have tried to repeat this phrase to myself when I start to feel down and out and I find myself wondering how the heck Im going to get through this in one piece. It has been a great way to redirect my focus and keep me moving in the right direction. I have a long way to go but I've realized that I have to surrender myself DAILY to the one who loves me the most so that He can mold me and shape me into who I need to be in order to experience His "more."

Besides the healing heart front....

I started working on Wednesday and everything went great! The shift flew by that first night and I really felt comfortable jumping right in and working with customers. Its a bummer that I dont have my employee ID yet because I would be making BANK with how much product I sold in those 5 hours! Many of the customers commented that they never would have known it was my first day if I hadnt told them (I tried to be very honest when I didnt know how to answer their questions). I was so proud of myself for pushing my fears aside and doing what I needed to do to prove myself to my district manager and 2 of the store managers.

Nooowwwww.....Today was a different story. I literally stocked soccer socks for not 1... not 2.... not 3.... NOPE, not even 4.... but FIVE FREAKING HOURS!!! It only took me 20 minutes to set up and restock the wall out in the store but then my manager, Josh, (the only one who didnt see me work last night) made me hang 600 EXTRA pairs in the BACK ROOM... WHERE NO ONE COULD EVEN SEE THEM!!! I did not work with a single customer the entire morning and I was very frustrated with manager Josh. Everytime I would try to do something productive (ie learn how to set up a new display for soccer cleats) he would tell me he "really didnt want me doing that yet" and would then put me on something that required NO BRAIN POWER (ie Soccer socks) and to be honest, I was annoyed. I know that I AM a rookie, but I really feel like I proved last night that I could "play with the big boys!" ;) Unfortunately for me, Josh did not see me work last night so I was still in "green" status in his book even though I had already moved out of that area with the other managers. I know I'll have plenty of time to prove myself so I am trying not to get frustrated and just continue to be myself and work hard to please the customers (and my managers, too! haha).

School has been... blah. I really dont like most of my classes. It's tough to stay focused since a lot of the classes will not pertain to my Sonography career later on, but are still required for my Sports Medicine degree. Whatever, you gotta do what you gotta do.

As you can see, Ive been playing with my blog layout for a while now. Im itching to get something that really reflects where I am right now but havent been able to find anything that "fits" (and is free!) so Im going to stay simple for a bit until I find something. Let me know if you know any good sites for banners and backgrounds OR have some hidden skills at banner making that you'd like to send my way :)

Even though I have been MIA this past week post-wise, I HAVE been keeping up with everyone's blogs (even though I havent commented) and there are some really awful things happening to a lot of my friends here in blogland- friends that I feel have gotten to know me and have helped me through these past few months. I feel closer to some of them than I do with my IRL friends. I feel guilty for even thinking I have problems when I read their posts with tears streaming down my face. My heart aches for them... and I find myself praying for each of them often as they struggle through some really hard times and unknown territory. If you get a chance, just send up a little prayer for these women as they deal with different realms of heartbreak. (RB and KHS! I love you, girls and I pray that these things will work themselves out sooner rather than later and that this will just be a little speedbump along the road of life. You guys are so important to me and I thank God every day that I have "met" you both. Im sorry that you girls are having to deal with heartache. :( Know that I am here if you want to vent, talk, or just cry with someone who is not right across the street or across town ... I know you guys have listened to me a lot over the past few months and Id be happy to help you navigate these awful roads even though Im not an IRL friend. Praying for you both every single day.)

TGI(almost)F!