rents

I know that I haven't filled you in on my possible living arrangements so Ill try to give you the short version.

After speaking with my leasing office about my options, I sat down, fought back the tears (failed miserably) and spoke with my roomate, A, about it. She wasnt mad, as I expected she would be so that was a huge relief. She was really supportive (probably because she wants my room but supportive nonetheless) and immediately started coming up with ways to solve the problem. We came up with some ideas and heres the one that stuck:
A's friend, K, lives with 2 of my friends (er.. well one is an acquaintance, but whatever) and is in the smallest room in their dog-allowing apartment. "A" thought to ask K if she would be willing to simply switch rooms next semester. She would live in my room while still paying HER rent at her current place and I would live in her room while continuing to pay rent at my current place. This way...

• no one is upping or downing their rent
• everyone is benefiting (I get Olly, K gets a bigger room, A gets to live with her friend)
  
• No crazy sub leaser and new housing would have to be found
• We could do it on our time

Although it is not the ideal situation considering that I would still be paying my current rent without even living here- I feel better knowing that my "subleaser" is someone I knew already and then I wouldnt have to interview people who are hard to read and I wouldnt have to try to find a place to live where I know and/or trust my new roomates. The reason we decided that the best idea would be to continue to pay our own rents is because K is not in a financial place to be able to pay more. I feel that she is doing me a huge favor and that the least i can do is not ask her to pay my rent. K said she had no problem with the idea but that she wanted to think about it since it would entail moving all of her stuff. Still waiting for her decision.

I called my mom, explained the situation, and she seemed to be on board, even quite happy that it was that easy.

Well... Saturday night, I called to wish my parents a Happy Halloween and got into a huge fight with them about all of this.

Apparently, My parents have now decided that they don't support my decision to find a subleaser and move for the next semester. okay, let me correct that- my DAD doesnt want me to... and so in turn, my mom doesnt either.

(You married people may be able to explain why the heck when you get married, you no longer get to have your own opinion. You simply go right along with whatever your spouse says. Yes I know Im sounding like a spoiled little kid but I dont care, this is my blog and Im gonna say what I want.)

I need my parent's to support my decision to do what I know I NEED to do to maintain my freakin sanity. I need them to look at me and say, although we don't understand or even agree, we will have your back because we see that this is important to you and that you need to do this. I want them to look beyond the fact that this will be a huge inconvenience and realize that an inconvenience is worth having my life back- having the opportunity to move forward.

I NEED to move forward.
I NEED to get away from him.
I NEED to stop feeling like my every action will affect N.
I NEED this and I need ONE freakin person to be on my side about this.

I have told them ALL OF THIS... in an attempt to help them understand... the conversation ended with me getting so upset and sobbing so hard, that I just hung up. I wont allow myself to go to bed angry when it comes to my parents so I continued the conversation on text messaging (so glad my parents are now cell phone savvy enough to text)

I COMPLETELY understand all of my parents' concerns:

• I would be picking up another financial burden while in school
• How will I financially support this decision?
  
• I still have another semester of Undergrad that I need to focus on
• How am I going to pay for the added expenses of having a dog?
• Why go through this inconvenience when N said I could wait until May?

My Answers?

• I already almost pay for all of Olly's expenses already.
  
• If I have Olly at school with me, I will be able to work more at Omega because I would not have to travel home as much to see O and have to sacrifice that weekend of working hours
• I am not concerned about having a semester of classes left. I only have 13 credit hours next semester, I live close to campus, and feeling like I need to be home with O will give me more opportunities to study since Ill just be at the house when Im not at school or work
• I will figure out how to pay for it all. Its going to be hard, I dont doubt that- My parents still support me financially through school and rent but I am not asking them for a dime more than they have already decided to give me.
• I am going through this inconvenience because I feel that if I am going to regain hold of my life and be able to move forward in a healthy way- I need to do this. I need to cut ties with N and move on with MY life instead of being stuck in what we once had while he is moving forward while all the while, keeping me close enough to make his life better and my life worse.
• I whole-heartedly do not believe that waiting until May would be a smart decision on my part. Why? because 1) N will most likely change his mind and 2) I will have to endure 6 MORE months of feeling anxious and stressed ALL the time worrying that what I do or say will somehow change Ns mind about me taking Olly and 3) My sanity will not last that long- This boy has a hold over me- and I know its my fault but never in the time we were together did I worry that loving him so much would come back to bite me.

The bottom line is...

I want my son.
I dont want to feel like Im walking on eggshells all the time.
I dont want my time with Olly to be in the hands of someone who clearly only cares about himself at this point in life.

I want to pack up, pick up Olly, and move far far away where no one knows me and I can start over. Completely. But that is not an option and so here I am trying the next best thing.

This is NOT going to be easy. I am not dumb- I know that I may have to dip into savings to make this happen. and at this point, that is okay. Am I happy about it? Heck Freakin No but you do what you gotta do, right?!

I had already known that I would have to take out loans when I go to sonography school to pay for tuition and living expenses because it is not possible to maintain a steady job while in a program that demands the majority of your time. Now my parents are saying that they dont want me to take out loans to pay for living expenses (ie rent). Well I have no idea how the heck they think I am going to pay for it- becasue I know they wont- and I am a full time student now, working 20 hours a week and I still only get enough paycheck to pay for gas, groceries, and leave a few for extra. How the heck am I gonna work more than I am now when my school is going to be more time-consuming... and demanding?? I dont know either- it doesnt make sense.

I have thought about all this. They should know that. I am not one to make rash decisions.

I am a good kid and sometimes I think they forget how good they have it. I never drank. I didnt party. I never did drugs. I wasnt a child they had to stand over to make sure I was saving my money and putting it to good use. Ive been babysitting since I was 11, paying for everything that I wanted to do. They have it good and Im pissed that they seem to forget that a lot.

I am doing this because I have no choice. When Dec 16th comes around, I am taking my dog regardless of what they say. I have never gone against my parents' wishes - EVER! Ive voiced my concerns and opinion to them in the hopes that they would see that I HAVE thought this out and the I DO believe this is my only option. I will do what I have to do to make this possible and it may be that for the first time in my life, I will do something without my parent's support. Im not happy about it... but what else am I supposed to do?

I know they are trying to protect me... but they are forgetting that I am an adult and that they need to let me make my own decisions (They are usually great about this! That's why I am so surprised that they are not supportive). I am hoping that they will come around but at this point, they wont speak to me. Now, given, I haven't tried to call again because I dont think this is something that should be discussed over the phone rather than in person but I sent the last text Saturday night and I haven't heard from them since (again, very unusual bc i usually talk to them everyday). My little sister has been trying to fill me in when she hears them talk about it but I hate to put her in that position. Im ready to go home on Friday so we can discuss this again... but I also dont want to have to do it all over again. ugh.

What do you think?!