Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Not a good week

No word on the autopsy yet.

I miss Jason.

Every single day I cry because I know I am getting to experience things that he never will again.

I try to remind myself that I should be jealous of him.

Jealous that he is partying with Jesus in a place of perfection.

Still.

I miss him so much it hurts.



There is a lot that has happened in the past 8 weeks that I haven't posted about.

I just didn't have the heart to jinx something that could be good.

It wouldn't have made a difference.

I know that now.


I didnt "meet" anyone.

He just finally had the guts to tell me how he felt.

Ive always felt the same.

But theres always been circumstances that kept me from ever saying anything.

I did the right thing.

I told him up front I wasnt ready yet.

That I still loved Blake.

That my heart was still healing.

that our circumstances were next to impossible and

that we were already at a huge disadvantage for things to work out...


but I told him that I wanted to talk (and ONLY talk) and get to know each other.


I shouldn't have been surprised yesterday when those "circumstances" that always made things impossible before got even more impossibly apparent.

I do not want to talk about it. I have not even told anyone about speaking to him because I didnt want to go through what I had gone through with Blake again.

Now I find myself more wounded than I thought I would be.

I dont think I ever fully healed after Blake.

My heart is still raw and I was still scared to death to be hurt again.

I thought I was doing a good job guarding my heart

and keeping him at enough of a distance.

I guess I was wrong.

I didnt keep him far enough away because

I have found myself right back to the fear that things may never turn out right for me.

and at this moment in time...

thats where I stand.

thats what I believe.


It has not been a good week.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"Crazy" Jason

N and I's friend, Jason, was found dead in his bed this morning.

We do not know what happened yet.; still waiting on the autopsy report.

I had not seen him since N and I's split last April.

I ache because of that.

I wish I had had one more night with our "crazy" Jason.

Laughing at his craziness until my sides hurt.

I am so proud of him.

He served this country with all he had and always put others before himself.

My heart is broken.

I love you crazy Jason. You will forever be missed.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

crash.

Hard drive crashed today. Was able to get my documents and pictures off somehow, but the rest is gone.

guess i will be looking for a new computer since mine is 5 yrs old and buying a new harddrive does not ensure that it wont crash in the next 6 months bc of the computer.

any suggestions?

remember: Im broke.

great day.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Let it go.

I've been holding on so tight.

Look at these knuckles, they've gone white.

I'm fighting for who I wanna be.

I'm just trying to find security.


It's hard enough to hear...

Harder still, to move beyond this fear.

We know there's nothing I can bring,

So tell me what do you want from me?


You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control.

You say You will be, everything I need,

You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go.


What do I love?

What do I hate?

What will I lose?

What will I gain?

How do I save my soul?

What if I bend?

What if I break?

What will it cost?

What will it take?

For you to save my soul?



You say let it go.




Lyrics from "Let it Go" by Tenth Avenue North

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

life

Life is really crazy right now- Im sorry I havent been posting (for like the one of you who even reads anymore)

Its been a really rough weekend and idk if I even have the energy to post about it but lets just say it wasnt enjoyable.

I work 30 hours/week at Ome.ga and at least 20 hrs/wk babysitting so basically my life consists of waking up...working...babysitting...running...showering...sleeping...waking up.... You get the picture.

Not good times.

So grateful to be putting away money but really frustrated that I dont get any me time.

Hopefully Ill be back soon

sigh