Nothing of substance to say

I apologize.

Things are hectic.
Things are crazy.
Things are confusing.
Things are blah.

This week at school is going to be the death of me.

I dont even have the energy to tell you what happened over Thanksgiving break. Lets just say I spent the WHOLE day crying on Friday and came back to school 2 days early because I couldn't stand being there another day.

Thank God I have an awesome Mom who will listen to me sob all day long, give me great advice, and then still love me anyways.

Lost clothes

I have a long list of "Lost" articles of clothing that somehow disappeared while I was storing clothes/living between 3 houses (school, my rents, N's). One of the things that I missed the most was a 3/4 sleeve simple black dress that fits me perfectly (eh hem, covers the girls nicely) that I had only worn once before somehow losing it. Its been well over a year and a half since the last time I have seen it... and after searching EVERY possible bag, corner, closet, and car I could think of, I gave up.

Guess what I found today in the weirdest place ever?

Now if I could just find the rest of the stuff, Id be in great shape!

There was...

... an empty chair at our Thanksgiving table today.

Everyone could feel the absence,

but no one said a word.





I choose to be thankful anyways.

Wordless Wednesday

{One of the shots we got last weekend.}

© 2009 M.T.Campbell

I'll share what's been going on later. Right now, Im enjoying my Ollydog.

Happy Thankgiving

Just when you think things cant get worse....

They do.

Even if I tried...

...I couldnt have said it better myself.

Uh Oh

Sooooooo

As many of you know, Ive had an awful couple of weeks... HECK... Ive had an awful almost year!

Well today didnt help....

This afternoon, I get a text from N. I didnt answer immediately because I was at work and dont usually have my phone on me if we are busy. By the time I saw the text, he had also sent me a "uh... okay... dont answer me then" text which of course I responded with a... okay okay... Ill just let you read it.

{If you dont care what we talked about, you are welcome to stop now. I just want to document this for myself.}

Background: Went out with some friends last night to have a few drinks. I normally only have 1-2 drinks and call it a night because Im not a big drinker- never have been (I didnt taste my first alcoholic beverage until I was 21). Last night, I got talked into having a 3rd drink and even though it doesnt seem like much, it felt different to me because I never drink. Dont ask me why I let them talk me into it, but I did. WEEELLLLL, I was tired LONG before everyone else and ready to go home. My friend, B, saw this and somehow convinced the guys that it was time to leave. I get home and for some unknown reason, I texted N saying "you were right" and then went to bed. {I texted him that because when we first broke up and he started drinking a lot, his reasoning was that "it makes things not suck for a little while." I always thought that was stupid but last night, I finally understood what he meant. Now, I was not drunk by any means (nor do I ever plan to be) but after this stressful week, I welcomed any way to feel less stressed for a moment)} I never got a response from N after that text (didnt expect one as it was 1:30am when I sent it).

Welll I woke up to a text from N saying... "About what?" I chose not to answer because 1) I didnt have the energy to discuss it and 2) I wish I had not sent it because there was no real need.

He wasnt having my lack of response apparently because when I checked my phone while at work, I had 2 texts from N. One saying "what were you talking about last night when you texted me" and another saying "uh, ok. Fine, dont answer." OBVIOUSLY I am at work so I didnt even see the texts so this is how it all went down.

A: Sorry, Im at work, whats up?

N: What did your text mean last night?

A: You were right that drinking makes things not suck for a second.

N: Oh God, what did you do?

A: I didnt do anything?? Its just been a crappy week.

N: Nah, what did you do? You got drunk with who and did what?

A: I didnt do anything, N. I didnt even get drunk. I had some drinks with B and her boyfriend and friend last night and it made me forget for a split second that things sucked so bad this week.

N: Im sorry, A. Didnt mean to jump down your throat, Just worried about ya. Why was the week so bad?

A: Its a really long story.

N: What do you mean? What happened?

A: Its too long to text.

{Long pause}

N: Hey sorry, I was in the shower. Can I ask you something?

A: umm, sure.

N: Have you kissed anyone yet?

A: No, I have not.

N: Been on any date? Im about to say something you need to hear.

A: I dont want to hear anything. Im at work.

{of course, I am straight up assuming that he's about to tell me that he slept with HER which I would NEVER want to know even if it did happen but I feared he was still on his "honesty" obsession and felt the need to confess or something since he said he wanted to tell me something RIGHT AFTER he asked me if I had gone on any dates}

N: Its really important to me that you hear it. Please. Is there anyone right now? You avoided the question about going on dates.

A: I have not gone on any dates and No I am not with anyone right now. and NO, I dont want to hear it. I am at work.

N: Fine, whatever. F*** you. Later.

A: Why would you say that? I am at work, I dont want you to say something that would upset me because I wont be able to hold it together after the week Ive had. I cant cry at work.

N: It wouldnt have upset you.

A: Okay. well, you can tell me if you promise that it wont make me upset in any way.

N: I'll just tell you tomorrow. Im exhausted and I want to fully think it through before I say it. Good night, Alli. Have a good night at work.

N: And Sorry for the unsolicited "F*** you," that was lame of me.

A: You are making me nervous.

N: Its a heavy handed future comment and it carries a lot of weight. I just wanna make sure I believe it and it isnt a passing feeling. But if it wont upset you, use your imagination. We'll talk tomorrow

A: I dont know what youre getting at but it still makes me uneasy. Please love on Olly a lot for me tonight. Im really missing him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I dont know what it could possibly be and at this point, I am not too terribly worried about it. Wana know why? Because most likely he will not contact me at all tomorrow because whatever he was feeling tonight WAS just a "passing feeling." I dont know what I would do if he does not try to contact me tomorrow. I want to know what he has to say but on the other hand, I dont.

Of course, in my last couple hours of work tonight, I let my mind wander and freak out and come up with all the possible things it could be... and this is what I came up with simply based on the fact that he said it wouldnt upset me.

1. He is going to tell me that he loves me and made the worst decision of his life not being with me and will I marry him.

Very unlikely as his relationship status on fb is still the same and HOPEFULLY not because I wouldnt know what to say to someone who has put me through hell and back in the past 7 months.

2. He is going to tell me that He wants me to take Olly in December like we originally planned.

If this were to happen, I would take Olly IMMEDIATELY on Tuesday when I went home for Thanksgiving. No, I do not have a subleaser and No, I do not have a place to live, but Id figure it out. This wont happen because Im just not that lucky.

3. He'll tell me something I DONT want to know about he and SHE's relationship... Like... he slept with her... or shes pregnant... or they are getting married... or something ridiculous.

Why, you say, would I think this is an option considering that he said it WOULD NOT make me upset? Ohhhhh well because there was a time when I trusted his every word and got freaking kicked in the face because of it so Im not gonna make that mistake again.

So that in a nutshell (a pretty big nutshell) is what is going on now. Didnt you miss the drama of N & A while it was at a minimum? Yeah... me neither.

Ill keep you updated.

Im really excited

One of my best friends who is a design major with a concentration in photography asked me to be a model for one of her projects. Now, I will say, I am like the most un-photogenic person you will ever meet so I was excited when she told me that these would be "non-identifying" photographs. I thought of posting some of her work so that you guys could see what to expect but I decided against it. (haha sorry) Id like to just wait and let you see what we come up with. Hopefully we'll get them all done and worked on this weekend so I can post some early next week. For now, I have some work to do to prepare for what I want these pictures to portray. I know you are confused- ha- but you'll see soon enough! :)

Today is not my day.

Subleaser texted.

University denied her contract break.

Im screwed.

Im stressed.

Im overwhelmed.

Im really tired of everything going wrong.

I cried in front of one of my professors this morning.

so classy.

I asked N to have O groomed this weekend so I can have his tear ducts unclogged while Im home. He said he cant because he is tight on money until Christmas. Oh really? and you think Im not? Im the one who has paid for everything O related for the past 3 months. I am going to talk to N about everything again on Tuesday when I go home. I refuse to pay for every possible expense and then not get to see him more often than 2x a month. I figure, what do I have to lose by saying something? (well, other than Olly)... At this point, things couldnt possibly get any worse than they already are. On second thought, Im sure it can.

Today is not my day.

Prayers needed...

My blogfriend needs prayers. She found out today that sometime in the past 2 weeks, she lost all of her amniotic fluid. Tomorrow, she will say hello and goodbye to her 18 week old baby via induction. Please click over and send her your prayers and comments during this awful time...

stab

One of N and I's friends from high school had her baby yesterday. N sent me a picture of him holding the baby. I know he did it to be nice and he thought Id like to see the baby... but it was just a huge f-ing stab in the heart.

wow i just said baby a lot in that short blurb.

today

I know Ive been boring as all get out lately and I apologize. I have seriously flipped myself into "just get through the day mode." I think Im doing this (even though i know I shouldnt) because it makes it easier to not think of N when I keep myself rediculously busy. So again, Im really sorry Im so boring

Hmmm what did I do today?

• got up at 8 after feeling like my head had JUST hit the pillow
• Chem Lab where I felt like what was being asked of us made NO SENSE at all... apparently everyone else agreed.
• Rush over to practice a speech with my group before class time
• (stuff my face with leftovers that I warmed up)
• Presentation (we were in a time crunch so by the time it was my turn to talk, I was speed-talking as to not go over out limit)
• Ate lots of candy to congratulate myself for a presentation well done!
• Run to parking deck, drive home, change out of nice clothes, throw on sweats, call sonographer who I am suppose to interview, get yelled at because office manager was mad that HER sonographer agreed to do that without her permission, back to square 1 finding someone to interview, get in car, book it back to campus.
• Drop off Operation Xmas Child boxes to be sent out
  
• Meet with potential subleaser (yes, the same one) and give her the subleasing application and co-signer form so it can be completed over the weekend
• Head to class early, try to get CHEM lab done
• Chem Class... try not to fall asleep by playing solitaire
  
• Stay 30 minutes after because he decided to pass out our IN CLASS assignment 10 minutes before class ended when they are 30-40 minute sheets
• drag my butt home
• make chicken & dumplings (yum!)
  
• will myself to get off the coach and go meet a friend to study for our biomechanics quiz tomorrow...

okay, okay... Im going, Im going....

It went well

Before I say anything else, I have to say, meeting with landlord went really well tonight. The townhome was beautiful and she seemed really easy to talk to. I brought my roommate with me to make sure that landlord wasnt some psycho stalker killer who was going to kidnap me and murder me. HA- I mean, come on! You never know in this part of NC!!

She seemed a little uneasy about Olly being there since she has hardwood floors and nice furniture. She was just concerned that he would pee on the carpet or chew up the furniture and I assured her that he has not done that since he was a puppy. (Watch, he'll walk in the first day and decided to randomly pee on something and then Ill be screwed haha)

I told her my situation with A (potential subleaser) and how I needed some time to get things squared away with her before I completely committed to a new place. She understood but seemed "all business" saying that she could give me until next Wednesday (a little over a week) to let her know and then she'd have to allow others to see the place.

I really liked her, the home, the price, her rules, etc but I guess Im just a little uneasy about living with someone I dont know. I mean, I know just about ANYWHERE I move, I will be living with someone I dont know but it's just, I dont know... a little scary. Theres no reason for me to think that landlord (dont you love how she doesnt have a name in this post?.. haha just landlord) wouldnt be fine to live with. I just... I dont know- I just wish my current place would let me have dogs then I could avoid this whole thing.

I was hoping that the girl who is currently renting the room from her would be there so that I could talk to her and hopefully talk with her (privately) on facebook or through email about how it was living there but all I know is the girls name is Emily and shes a mass communications major at my university. That doesnt really narrow it down much since theres a ton of people at this school and I have no last name. I dont want landlord to feel like Im trying to check up on her by asking for Emily's last night/contact information but I feel like talking to her current resident would be a great way to know how it would be.

Just a thought?! Is there an online database that allows the general public to receive free background checks on people? Is it bad that I want to check this woman out? I mean she seems great but sometimes people who seem great arent great so ya know.

AHHH IM READY FOR THIS TO BE OVERRRRRRR!!!

CRAP.

I just looked back at the email I sent A (the owner of the townhome) and realized I didnt even mention Olly in it because I just sent a quick blurb about myself since I never thought the room would still be available. UGHHH! Sooo I just sent her an email explaining my situation HOPING and PRAYING this isnt a deal breaker! Her housing post states "if you have a pet, we can discuss the rules." So I am assuming she is okay with pets but wants to make sure they are potty-trained and all! I guess I'll wait and see what she says when she replies so I can see whether she even still wants to meet with me still tonight.

Are you tired of my very random and probably uninteresting posts yet?

Subleaser update & more **WITH UPDATE**

I decided to text the girl who is suppose to sublease from me today. She responded pretty quickly saying that she definitely wants to sublease from me but that she is trying to get out of her housing contract with the university for her dorm first. The university told her that they would meet and discuss her situation and let her know by NEXT Monday. I know its not her fault but I really dont want to wait another week to try to finalize something with her because I am waiting until I have my lease taken over in order to sign another lease. I guess I have no choice though because she is the only one who has contacted me. I mean, given, I didnt post any more signs on campus after she called me so I guess I could do that if I needed to.

I got a few emails back from some people I emailed from craigslist and 1 sounded psycho so I threw that option out, 1 was much farthur away than I thought so I through THAT one out and the last girl sounded really annoying on the phone but I decided that I would still go check it out tomorrow. I am meeting with her at 4:30 tomorrow before my night class. Im nervous because I wana like her but I already think I dont based on our phone conversation. She barely even let me talk and said that her dog is a little territorial. I know at this point, Olly wont be spending all of his time with me but when he does come, I dont want him to be uncomfortable bc this other dog is crappy.

Ill let you know how it goes.

UPDATE***
So as I was searching for places, I came across a housing post from back in September that had an AWESOME all inclusive rent price for a room within someone's townhome about 10 minutes from campus. The townhome photos were BEAUTIFUL and I thought to myself, "Dont even email her, there is no way it is still available after 2 months of being online." But for some reason, I did email her. This was all like 1 hour ago. Well she just called me and WOW I am so impressed! She is an older woman whos last occupant was a college student and she was a sports medicine major in college too and is now an OBGYN :) - how awesome is that!! Definately in my field of future study :) She sounds so nice and asked if I would like to come see the townhome tomorrow night after my night class. The whole upstairs would be mine and it is furnished if I need it to be WHICH WOULD BE GREAT SINCE I WOULD HAVE TO UHAUL MOST OF MY STUFF HOME ANYWAYS IN JANUARY! :) The best part? She says there is no need for me to sign a lease. That she understands that when I graduate, I wont want to stay in greensboro anymore. I am trying to tell myself not to get too excited because even this seems just too good to be true and we all know what people say about things seeming too good to be true. I am excited tho- I cant help it. I really hope this isnt too good to be trueeeee!!

What do YOU think!?

I need a place to live.

So, I must have emailed 15 people about available rooms to rent tonight off of craigslist.

THEN... I realized...

WHAT IF THIS GIRL WHO SAYS SHE IS GOING TO SUBLEASE MY APARTMENT FROM ME DECIDES TO BACK OUT?!

What then?

I hate uncertainty.

I am going to call her tomorrow and try to arrange for her to sign the lease this week.

Lord Jesus, help me survive this crazy ride of anxiety!

UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

How the heck can good nights become bad nights in say... 2.5 seconds.

Can I ever get an F*in break?!

Sometimes, I really hate myself...

for missing him.

I shouldnt.
I really really shouldnt.

but sometimes, it just hits me- HARD and I miss him so much it hurts. I know I miss what we HAD, not what we would have now... so I have to remind myself that the "bliss" I am allowing myself to miss and remember is not reality. But still, it sucks.

AND... I took my 4th Chemistry Exam of the semester tonight and then watched Flash Forward, Greys Anatomy x2 and Priviate Practice x2 (last wks and this wks) to unwind... sooooo WHY AM I STILL ANXIOUS AND STRESSED? sigh. Im ready to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Update on RB!

HALLELUJAH!

RB sent a text to her friend who then posted it on her blog that says

"{birth mom} called me. She explained that she can sign TPR on Monday. She told me why she is unable to sign before then and her reasons are valid. I'm not worried too much. It just means I'm stuck out here for another week. "

AHHH You have no idea how many times a day I think of RB and pray for everything to work out! Even though I dont know her IRL, I know that she is meant to be a mom and I just hope and pray with everything that I am that this is her Baby Mac!

Please visit her blog ( here you go, Jess!) and send some love (I dont think she'll mind me recruiting some love and prayers :)



No {new} news on the "me front." Just same old, same old. Anytime I think of N, I get an awful feeling in my stomach and I want to cry. He has broken my heart over and over again and its becoming harder and harder to not just become more angry and less indifferent. I am constantly trying to come up with ways to make O mine for good and well, Im just really anxious all the time right now. School is not giving me a break- I have a Chem test tomorrow, presentation monday, paper to write, and God only knows what else - and I feel like I will never get to breathe again.

Wordless Wednesday & PLEASE PRAY

Okay, not too wordless anymore! I need your prayers! My friend, RB, is waiting for the birthmother to sign the TPR papers (Termination of Parental Rights) for her daughter. The birth mother is making up excuses as to why she cant do it today (She made excuses yesterday, too). Please pray that she will stop making excuses and sign them already!!! PRAY HARD, PLEASE!

Max

Long before N and I got Olly, we had a dog named Max (another goldendoodle) who was part of a family going through a divorce and they wanted to put him in a stable home. We immediately loved him and he was so well behaved that we could bring him out without a leash and he listened so well!

However, we were not aware that they planned to take him back eventually (we took him with the understanding that he was ours now). So after 4 months, they asked for him back. We were crushed and I was angry at N for just letting him go instead of fighting for him and trying to talk to this couple about how much we had fallen in love with Max and had no idea they would eventually want him back. He didnt and it took months and months for us to recover.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Well, when N and I talked Sunday morning... he told me that Max needs a home once again and that he didnt know what to do and was hoping I would be willing to take him since I was already moving forward with a subleaser and finding a place that would allow dogs. I immediately told him that me having Max would not make me want Olly less. He said he knew that.

I told him Id think about it.

I love Max but its been over 2.5 years since we have seen him and I would never want to do anything that would possibly change my time with O.

Yes, I am posting 3x in one day.

Im no longer exhausted. Im just pissed.

I have officially laid out 2 ground rules with N (thus far... Im sure there will be more)

1. You may not discus your relationship with PsychoB* at any moment in time with me regardless of why you feel justified in doing so. Anytime you feel like you are going to break this rule, please hang up and do not call back for at least 24 hours.
   
2. Stop feeding me Bull.Shit. DO NOT tell me ANYTHING that has ANY possibility of changing within a 1 year period. (ie. DO NOT tell me that I can have Olly and then change your mind... DO NOT tell me you broke up with HER when in reality everything will be fixed by tomorrow... DO NOT act like you are not a f*ed up piece of sh** because you are and that will never change.)

I officially told him that he is flaky and unreliable and that he is a piece of sh** and that he is lucky that I even give him the time of day because he does not deserve my friendship (his word, not mine).

I should feel much better. But I dont. Im just pissed.

Where did this come from, you ask? Ohhhh... well I never message N on fb. The only time we talk on there is when he messages me. For some UNKNOWN reason, I sent him a message tonight when he didnt send me one immediately like he usually does... All I said was "queer" which is just an ongoing joke bw us to call each other that (dont ask why, idk). He didnt respond and then signed off immediately. I got a bad feeling in my stomach but just kept getting ready for bed. He called at 11:45pm to tell me that SHE was on his fb at the moment that i sent him that message. Oh woops. (If any of you dont know... SHE has no idea that N even keeps contact with me- SHE thinks we havent spoken since April.) She got pissed and was cussing at him, he told her to get out of his house, she asked if that was really want he wanted and he said, you can stay and continue to be my girlfriend or you can walk out the door and end all this. and she walked out. For some reason I apologized when he told me that (I think it was reflex to say sorry, Im definitely not sorry.) He's not mad- said that he believes it was meant to happen. I dont buy that this is the end for them bc well, we all know how that one always turns out but I have to say... Im glad that I messaged him and she saw it. Is that awful? Yes, probably. Do I care? Nope.

I hate to say it, but he deserves it.

Exhausted

Im too tired to give a real post so heres the bullet points

• PRAISE GOD! Baby STELLAN's ablation went great(!) and the doctors were even able to avoid giving him a pacemaker! This little fighter is SVT FREEEEEE!!!!!
• My good blog friend, RB, is enjoying time with her brand new daughter who was born a week ahead of the birthmother's scheduled C-section! I am so happy for her! I will try to post more of their story when I have her permission! It has been a long long road for she and her husband and I am so glad they are finally parents!
• I met with the possible subleaser tonight and it went great. Shes a little younger than I thought she was but hey, Im not the one living with her and Roommate likes her a lot so now Im just waiting for her to talk to her parents one last time before we go in and sign my lease over to here. Now, I just need to find a place to live. ha.
• School is kicking my butt. I feel like I havent slept in weeks (Jess! I know you know what Im talking bout!)
• I have a Chemistry test thursday and I couldnt keep my brain working long enough to study more than 2 questions tonight... so now Im blogging instead.
• Goodnight.

Is it friday yet?

OOOOMMMMGGGGG!!

Collier is now "in a relationship" with some girl on facebook! HAHAHA!

I knew that all frat boys are the same and they cant be trusted and that I should have trusted my gut!

I already knew that I most likely didn't like him enough to date him but this is infuriating and hilarious all at the same time!

Wow! The past 5 days have just been getting more and more interesting by the minute!

Welp, moving right along :)


PS PLEASE BE PRAYING FOR STELLAN! He is being wheeled in to surgery to do another ablation as I type (12:40pm). Lord God, PLEASE be with this little angel!

??

N called me tonight to check and see if I was doing okay after everything that happened this weekend. I guess it was nice of him to do that. He seems thoroughly torn between doing what he wants and trying not to hurt me... also nice but it doesnt make up for the crap he's putting me though. sigh. this sucks.

I was wrong

I was wrong to be hopeful.

Talked to N this morning. He said he just didn't think he could do it. That he spends too much time with O to give him up. Said that he'd let me take O to school with me next semester sometimes but that he'd like to just keep things the way they are.

Im trying to see the silver lining... but it's pretty faint. I cant do this for another... however long it lasts. At some point, somethings gotta give. One of us has to cave. Its not like we can do this for the next 10 years. I wont give O up so what the heck do I do?

I should have known.

...and he's upset that his friends think he is "flaky" and "unreliable." I wonder why they think that...

weekend thus far

I'm having a great time with Olly. N and I's conversation has not been affecting the weekend as much as I thought it would. I just have the feeling that things are gonna work out for the best and that he will let me either have Olly for good or he will continue to let me take him as I do now.

I hadn't heard from N at all until about 15 minutes ago. He called and asked me if I had a minute to talk... of course, I freak out bc I think he wants to talk about the whole O situation and I figured the fact that I hadn't heard from him at all couldn't be a good thing. But all is good, he wanted to vent to me about some of our old highschool buddies (he went to one of their wedding receptions tonight) because they told him that he was "flaky" and unreliable and that really hurt his feelings. SHE apparently blew him off when he tried to talk with her about how it upset him so of course, he calls the one person he knows will listen... me. As far as I could tell, she did not go with him to the reception because she doesn't like his friends. I also heard that all the guys there were telling him that he was an idiot for not fighting for me because she was so horrible and that they thought this was the stupidest thing he's ever done (thanks guys! ha) I always knew Ns friends liked me but I also knew that they thought I nagged him too much. I guess now they view me as the lesser of two evils in the predicament that he's in and are realizing that he had it much better when he was with me. Definitely makes a girl feel better when her ex's friends are constantly telling him how stupid he is for giving her up.

N and I briefly talked about how I wanted to go ahead and get O groomed and have his tear ducts unclogged over thanksgiving and he agreed that would be good so I am assuming that I will get to take Olly for thanksgiving like I planned. I am still avoiding the whole "will I have him for good" deal because I cant do anything about it until Dec so why worry until the time comes. Okay, maybe I'm just scared so I am pretending the issue isn't there.

We'll see if he brings it up tomorrow when I drop O off (or if he'll even be there when i get there). Ill try to post again tomorrow with the low down.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

i dont even know.

(2:12pm)
I was hoping that N would be there today when I go to pick O up... he wont- he will be out on the boat.

I was supposed to get Olly on the way into town, but N asked me to wait a couple hours. I already knew why- She was probablly there or he was worried she'd show up. I was right. Im sure she has a key by now. Another stab to the heart.

I know he's trying to avoid conflict so I let it go. Id rather avoid ever seeing her anyways.

I wanted him to be there when i stop by because I want him to be reminded of how excited Olly gets to see me... that he loves to be with me... and then N would realize that giving O to me is the best thing for him. but obviously that wont happen.

I dont believe N is doing this to keep me on his chain. He has a new life already- new gf and all. Seems to be happy with how his life is. I dont know why he's doing this. On second thought. I do know. He loves Olly. I cant imagine giving him up so I know it would b hard for him too. That is why we are in this god awful situation.

I guess we also wont be talking about this situation today either considering he has better things to do. Im almost relieved. Im putting this off because Im scared of what he may decide. I want to pretend that there is still hope of getting Olly for good. I'll hang on to any amount of hope at this point.

I am going to move forward with the subleaser to ensure that if at any moment, N tells me I can take O, I am in the position to do so.

I wish that for some unknown reason, N would just tell me to take Olly on Sunday for good. I would. without even a second thought. I cant have him in my apartment but Id figure it out. I know that wont happen but I can hope.

I want to enjoy my baby boy this weekend, not drench him in my tears but I cant stop crying. Im scared.... so scared that its debilitating.

What if this doesnt work out? What if I lose this battle?

What then?

(4:14pm)
I picked O up and you know what I realized...

Life is just better when I have him...

The whole ride over there my stomach was in knots and I felt like I was gonna puke because I was just so anxious. I dont know why because no one was gonna be there. It was like I couldnt wait another second to see Ollydog. I walked in the door and O greeted me (more excited than ever before- which says a lot since he tackles me usually) and I bawled my eyes out, out of pure joy as I loved on him and soaked up every inch of his furry little (okay maybe not little) body :)

I am so content when he is with me (well except for knowing that this may not ever be permenant). I just love Ollydog so much and I cant imagine how awesome life would be like if I could to be with him every single day again. I am trying to stay positive. Hope is hope no matter how big or small- right? (oh gosh, please tell me, "right") I really want this to all happen! I hope my prayers are answered because it they are...I get to take him in 1 month, 1 weeks, and 3 days!

worst nightmare.

I think I found a subleaser.

Spoke to N today to tell him all is "a go" for December.

Didnt go like I thought...

He is having 2nd thoughts about giving me Olly.

I shouldnt be suprised...

I knew Dec 16th wouldnt come soon enough.

We're going to talk more tomorrow when I pick O up.

I want to believe that he will make the right decision and give Olly to me... but I dont know if Im that lucky. On 2nd thought... Im not.

crushed.

Confession

Im not gonna lie...

I couldn't stop thinking about N last night.

sigh.

why not?! **UPDATE**

(2:07pm)

Sooooo....

Collier asked me to go to Olive Garden with him tonight... this all stemmed off of the fact the I lost a bet with him and was "supposed" to "owe" him dinner because of it. We were gonna go tonight but I'm BROKE... so I asked him if we could rain check... He, in turn, informed me that he had no intention of actually letting me pay and that he'd still like to go if I was okay with it...
Of course, I initially had a mini... "I really shouldn't go because I don't wanna lead this guy on when Im not ready to date yet" freak out sess and then realized... there is absolutely NO reason why I cant go out with this guy. I am single and its just dinner... so I figure, what the heck, I'm gonna go.

Ill let you know how it goes.

If you dont know who Collier is... click here to get up to speed!

http://ramblingsofahealingheart.blogspot.com/2009/10/umm-was-that-date.html

Oh, and P.S. where the heck did my graduation ticker go? It just disappeared! It's "code" is still showing on my page when I click on "customize" but its not there when I load the normal page. Wiiieeerrrdddd.

And WHY do all my links always turn up purple (like its already been clicked on) instead of blue??! Anyone know?!

UPDATE:
I had a great time at dinner! Conversation flowed really easily and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all! In fact, we probably could have stayed for much longer just talking but I thought our waiter was getting mad that we were done eating but still taking up his section! haha! Collier is a great guy who seems to have a good head on his shoulders despite his "frat boy" label and all. We talked a lot about our families, school, work, CHURCH (I wanted to somehow make sure he knew I was a Jesus-loving girl so he wouldn't get any crazy ideas! haha), marriage (yeah sounds weird, but its not what it sounds like hahaha!) and lots more! I was worried that somehow we would get on the subject of N (I dont know how that would have happened but i was nervous nonetheless) but we didnt and I realized that, he probably doesnt care anyways. I mean, right now we are just a couple of friends hanging out some. If anyone is wondering, I made sure I paid for my own meal bc I didnt want him to feel obligated and he did ask me if I wanted to hang out this weekend- Im going home this weekend to see O so I had to say no and I think thats a good thing. I dont want to allow this to get more serious than friends so I think hanging out every couple weeks is about what I am comfortable with right now. :)

Thanks for all the comments! You guys ROCK!

rents

I know that I haven't filled you in on my possible living arrangements so Ill try to give you the short version.

After speaking with my leasing office about my options, I sat down, fought back the tears (failed miserably) and spoke with my roomate, A, about it. She wasnt mad, as I expected she would be so that was a huge relief. She was really supportive (probably because she wants my room but supportive nonetheless) and immediately started coming up with ways to solve the problem. We came up with some ideas and heres the one that stuck:
A's friend, K, lives with 2 of my friends (er.. well one is an acquaintance, but whatever) and is in the smallest room in their dog-allowing apartment. "A" thought to ask K if she would be willing to simply switch rooms next semester. She would live in my room while still paying HER rent at her current place and I would live in her room while continuing to pay rent at my current place. This way...

• no one is upping or downing their rent
• everyone is benefiting (I get Olly, K gets a bigger room, A gets to live with her friend)
  
• No crazy sub leaser and new housing would have to be found
• We could do it on our time

Although it is not the ideal situation considering that I would still be paying my current rent without even living here- I feel better knowing that my "subleaser" is someone I knew already and then I wouldnt have to interview people who are hard to read and I wouldnt have to try to find a place to live where I know and/or trust my new roomates. The reason we decided that the best idea would be to continue to pay our own rents is because K is not in a financial place to be able to pay more. I feel that she is doing me a huge favor and that the least i can do is not ask her to pay my rent. K said she had no problem with the idea but that she wanted to think about it since it would entail moving all of her stuff. Still waiting for her decision.

I called my mom, explained the situation, and she seemed to be on board, even quite happy that it was that easy.

Well... Saturday night, I called to wish my parents a Happy Halloween and got into a huge fight with them about all of this.

Apparently, My parents have now decided that they don't support my decision to find a subleaser and move for the next semester. okay, let me correct that- my DAD doesnt want me to... and so in turn, my mom doesnt either.

(You married people may be able to explain why the heck when you get married, you no longer get to have your own opinion. You simply go right along with whatever your spouse says. Yes I know Im sounding like a spoiled little kid but I dont care, this is my blog and Im gonna say what I want.)

I need my parent's to support my decision to do what I know I NEED to do to maintain my freakin sanity. I need them to look at me and say, although we don't understand or even agree, we will have your back because we see that this is important to you and that you need to do this. I want them to look beyond the fact that this will be a huge inconvenience and realize that an inconvenience is worth having my life back- having the opportunity to move forward.

I NEED to move forward.
I NEED to get away from him.
I NEED to stop feeling like my every action will affect N.
I NEED this and I need ONE freakin person to be on my side about this.

I have told them ALL OF THIS... in an attempt to help them understand... the conversation ended with me getting so upset and sobbing so hard, that I just hung up. I wont allow myself to go to bed angry when it comes to my parents so I continued the conversation on text messaging (so glad my parents are now cell phone savvy enough to text)

I COMPLETELY understand all of my parents' concerns:

• I would be picking up another financial burden while in school
• How will I financially support this decision?
  
• I still have another semester of Undergrad that I need to focus on
• How am I going to pay for the added expenses of having a dog?
• Why go through this inconvenience when N said I could wait until May?

My Answers?

• I already almost pay for all of Olly's expenses already.
  
• If I have Olly at school with me, I will be able to work more at Omega because I would not have to travel home as much to see O and have to sacrifice that weekend of working hours
• I am not concerned about having a semester of classes left. I only have 13 credit hours next semester, I live close to campus, and feeling like I need to be home with O will give me more opportunities to study since Ill just be at the house when Im not at school or work
• I will figure out how to pay for it all. Its going to be hard, I dont doubt that- My parents still support me financially through school and rent but I am not asking them for a dime more than they have already decided to give me.
• I am going through this inconvenience because I feel that if I am going to regain hold of my life and be able to move forward in a healthy way- I need to do this. I need to cut ties with N and move on with MY life instead of being stuck in what we once had while he is moving forward while all the while, keeping me close enough to make his life better and my life worse.
• I whole-heartedly do not believe that waiting until May would be a smart decision on my part. Why? because 1) N will most likely change his mind and 2) I will have to endure 6 MORE months of feeling anxious and stressed ALL the time worrying that what I do or say will somehow change Ns mind about me taking Olly and 3) My sanity will not last that long- This boy has a hold over me- and I know its my fault but never in the time we were together did I worry that loving him so much would come back to bite me.

The bottom line is...

I want my son.
I dont want to feel like Im walking on eggshells all the time.
I dont want my time with Olly to be in the hands of someone who clearly only cares about himself at this point in life.

I want to pack up, pick up Olly, and move far far away where no one knows me and I can start over. Completely. But that is not an option and so here I am trying the next best thing.

This is NOT going to be easy. I am not dumb- I know that I may have to dip into savings to make this happen. and at this point, that is okay. Am I happy about it? Heck Freakin No but you do what you gotta do, right?!

I had already known that I would have to take out loans when I go to sonography school to pay for tuition and living expenses because it is not possible to maintain a steady job while in a program that demands the majority of your time. Now my parents are saying that they dont want me to take out loans to pay for living expenses (ie rent). Well I have no idea how the heck they think I am going to pay for it- becasue I know they wont- and I am a full time student now, working 20 hours a week and I still only get enough paycheck to pay for gas, groceries, and leave a few for extra. How the heck am I gonna work more than I am now when my school is going to be more time-consuming... and demanding?? I dont know either- it doesnt make sense.

I have thought about all this. They should know that. I am not one to make rash decisions.

I am a good kid and sometimes I think they forget how good they have it. I never drank. I didnt party. I never did drugs. I wasnt a child they had to stand over to make sure I was saving my money and putting it to good use. Ive been babysitting since I was 11, paying for everything that I wanted to do. They have it good and Im pissed that they seem to forget that a lot.

I am doing this because I have no choice. When Dec 16th comes around, I am taking my dog regardless of what they say. I have never gone against my parents' wishes - EVER! Ive voiced my concerns and opinion to them in the hopes that they would see that I HAVE thought this out and the I DO believe this is my only option. I will do what I have to do to make this possible and it may be that for the first time in my life, I will do something without my parent's support. Im not happy about it... but what else am I supposed to do?

I know they are trying to protect me... but they are forgetting that I am an adult and that they need to let me make my own decisions (They are usually great about this! That's why I am so surprised that they are not supportive). I am hoping that they will come around but at this point, they wont speak to me. Now, given, I haven't tried to call again because I dont think this is something that should be discussed over the phone rather than in person but I sent the last text Saturday night and I haven't heard from them since (again, very unusual bc i usually talk to them everyday). My little sister has been trying to fill me in when she hears them talk about it but I hate to put her in that position. Im ready to go home on Friday so we can discuss this again... but I also dont want to have to do it all over again. ugh.

What do you think?!

Indifference

in·dif·fer·ence

Pronunciation: \in-ˈdi-fərn(t)s, -f(ə-)rən(t)s\

Function: noun

• unbiased impartial unconcern
• emotionlessness: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions-

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People always says that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

That is how I feel.... indifferent.

I feel numb.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

His actions affect me less and less each time he breaks my heart.

Its not that I am not aware that he is breaking my heart...
I am... Its that for some reason, I feel nothing...
or maybe not nothing, but close to it.

Its almost as if I'm on the outside looking in... like... I know I should let myself feel the hurt... the anger... the grief... but I just push it back down into the pit of my stomach so that I don't have to face it.... so that i can try to forget they are there.

But every once in a while, it sneaks in.

My heart hurts more than I think I can bear.
My anger boils over and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
The grief takes me by surprise and all I feel is sadness and a disappointment that is indescribable.

I thought that knowing he was with someone else would always hurt as badly as it did at first... but i see now that although it will hurt, time and indifference with numb it to the point of management...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You would think that I'd pray every night for him still. Pray that Jesus would draw him in and hold him until he comes to his senses.

I don't.

I don't pray because I'm exhausted and I'm pessimistic.

I know I should pray for him... but I don't.

I know I should pray for me... but I don't.

I have spent almost every day of the past 6.5 years (prior to the last 6 months) praying for him each day- that he would find Jesus and that through that relationship, he would begin to strive to be the man that the Lord wanted him to be.

I prayed that my love for him would help him see the Love of Christ and that through my commitment and constant forgiveness, he would see even just a glimpse of what he was missing out on.

I prayed that he would realize that he needed someone other than himself...or me...or wakeboarding... and that only Jesus could feel that void. I wanted that for him selfishly because I knew that if he figured that one out, we would be able to be together with my total confidence that this was what the Lord wanted for me... for us.

I guess Ive just realized that... well.. that's not what the Lord wants for me... He pretty much told me... "nope, never gonna happen." and I hate it.

I hate that N may never know that love that has gotten me through some of the hardest parts of our relationship.

I want him to know that once, back when we first met, I had a fire burning brightly inside me and that all I wanted to do was pray to my creator and shout from the rooftops about it so that all could hear of the wonderful savior that I knew.

I wish he had known that I KNEW I should not be yoked with him since he was an unbeliever, but that I believed in my heart that the Lord wanted me to pursue his heart and to share Him with N.

I took a risk because I loved N and I wanted to be with him more than anything in this world.

I knew it was happening all along, but I refused to admit it. I was not bringing N up, he was pulling ME down.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I don't pray for N even when I know I should because... I feel hopeless.. I feel that my never ending prayers meant nothing... because if they had meant something- I wouldn't be where I am today.

To be honest, I haven't prayed a real prayer in a long time that was not directed towards someone else's needs or struggles.

Why?
well because, sometimes I wonder, "whats the point?"
Gods gonna do what He's gonna do no matter how much I pray.
He ordained my days long before I came to be.
Why continue to pray for the same thing over and over when you clearly do not receive answers.

I know something is missing and I know what it is... but I haven't the strength to pursue it any longer.

Prayer is like a relationship.
It sucks when it's one-sided.