Umm... was that a date?

So I think I may have just gone on my first date since N....

Know that I did not go into this thinking it was a date but I definately just walked out wondering if HE thought it was a date. Oh whoa. I hope I didnt just dig myself a hole and then bury myself in it.

Long story short.

Collier (guy from work- his first name is Josh but I never call him that)
always nice
always respectful
Seems like a cool guy
Cute (in a completely different way than N)

Over time, he definately gained some strikes against him though:
Frat boy
Occasional Swearer
Drinks like a normal college frat boy

ANYWAYS
I was working one night and he said he was going to see Inglorious Bastards when he got off
I said I was jealous because I was working and I wanted to see that movie

Next day at work, I asked him how the movie was
he said awesome
I said, Aw man, shut up- I really wanna see it.

He says, it was so good- that he would definately
go see it again if I wanted to see it

I said yeah sure not really thinking he would ever ask

Well its been like a month since that conversation
I knew I would never bring up going
so it would have been up to him to make the plans

Jump forward.

I had to call into work today to put in my schedule for next week
and lo and behold, Collier is the one who answers

He texts me when he gets off asking me if Im busy tonight (???)
I say no, Im a dork, and Im just catching up on schoolwork

then he asks me if I wana go
to the movie tonight
Uh... well its been a month
but sure haha

Lets just say... I WAS FREAKING OUT!!! I didn't agree to go thinking that it was a date and then started stressing when I realized that HE might think it was a date. Then I maybe kinda sorta...okay definately called my friend Brooke to try to convince her that she and her boyfriend should go see the same movie and just HAPPEN to see us and invite us to sit with them just so I wouldnt be alone with him... yeah didnt work--- but I tried....

I couldnt figure out what to wear. I didnt want to look BAD but I didnt want to be too "ready" either. I didnt want to wear anything low cut because Its hard to cover myself no matter what I wear unless it comes up to my neck. I definately did not want him to think I was trying to look good for him (haha is that bad?) So I wore this...


(Yes, I took a picture so I could make sure I was appropriate via you guys :)

30 minutes until he comes to pick me up...
I start hyperventilating (okay maybe not really but I was wayyy nervous) because I was scared that we would be the only people in the whole theater since it was a Tuesday night and the movie had been out for almost forever in the theaters. I was also PETRIFIED he would try to hold my hand or kiss me or something like that.

____________________________

Well....
We WERE the only people in the entire theater
The movie wasnt all it was cracked up to be
He tried to pay for my ticket
but I refused (HAHAHAHAHA)
(Hows that for making a statement?)
Im pretty sure he could tell I was sitting
as far away from him in my seat as I could- ha.
But overall, it went fine.
He didnt try anything
and I am SO glad.

But... I still cant help feeling guilty.
I almost feel like Ive done something wrong
and that I am supposed to call N and confess

Then I remind myself that I dont have to
because he has already moved on in a way
and Im allowed to move on.

But its still weird.
I miss N.
I unpacked my winter clothes today and
they smelled like him.
It hurt.

Reason for this post?
Im trying to take steps forward
Even if I almost give myself a
heart attack doing so.