Randoms

• why do people insist on driving like bats out of hell? Im scared for my life on a regular basis driving around this town.
• My boss is milking my last week of full shifts for what its worth.  Five closing shifts in a row is not fun to me.  But oh that 13.5 hours/3 shifts that I am scheduled for next week is going to be SO GLORIOUS!  So excited to finally have some downtime in 2012!
• I realized today after watching a very defiant, hard-headed, whine-y 3 year old that I should tell my mom thank you at least once a day for allowing me to live to adulthood... :)
• I feel confident that standing up for myself in the friend situation (see last post) was the right thing to do.  I am just weeding out the friends who dont really care so that I can focus more on the friends who really do 
• My running partner comes back from vacay tomorrow and I am so stoked to not have to run solo anymore!
• My niece has got to be the most amazing, loving, adorable 16 month old on the planet :)
• I am so grateful for all my parents do for me. They seriously are awesome.
• I love seeing God's crystal clear answers to certain prayers. What an awesome God I serve!
• I have New Years Eve off--- like ENTIRELY off! Wahoo! I was supposed to have kids overnight and then the NFL game their parents are going to got moved so now I have them January 1st-2nd. YES!
• I love you bloggy friends.  Even when I feel like I cant talk to anyone- I know I can talk to you and get supportive responses- so thank you!

friend

I wont get into the nitty gritty of the situation but I know a few of you have asked what happened regarding my last post.

A bunch of my friends and I closed out a bar in Greensboro to have our annual Christmas party a few weeks ago.  I am one of the few who does not live there or live in a close surrounding town. Because I live 3.5 hours away I had not seen most of these friends since labor day weekend and was super excited to see everyone.

Before I tell you what happened, you'll need some background information.

Friend, who I will call AS, has a very hard time not being the center of attention.

Due to the fact that I had not seen anyone for MONTHS, everyone was really excited when I got into town.  I could tell that AS was not happy that they were more excited to see me than her.  (I dont really understand this considering that she sees these people all the time but whatever).

AS is also very insecure. In herself and in all of her 4392073497 "serious" relationships that she has had since Ive known her.  She has lived with three different guys in three years and met this last guy on a dating site (she denies this).

(Let me say that I have absolutely NOTHING against people meeting on dating sites-- I am a firm believer that God has his hand in everything and if that is how God brings you together then it is no different than if you had met on the street or through a mutual friend or in school) What I dont like is that she lies to everyone about how they met including me (who is supposed to be her best friend.)

ANYWAYS-


The jist of what happened? 


Party started at 7pm so by 930 all of us were having a great time dancing, drinking, eating,  and catching up.  At one point her boyfriend, who was dressed in tacky christmas attire, jumped in the middle of the circle and started dancing.  Everyone gathered around him rooting him on.  SOMEHOW in all of this, I was accused by AS of GRABBING HER BOYFREINDS BUTT.


Seriously, people?


1) Never would I grab a friend's boyfriend's butt- or any guys' butt for that matter- in a bar.
2) She has never dated attractive guys so why would I feel inclined to grab a "not hot" booty?
3) Even if I did grab his butt, are you seriously so insecure that, in the midst of everyone dancing and joking around, you would get THAT mad about it?


I know I wouldnt have gotten that mad had the tables been turned.


But maybe thats because I am secure in who I am and because of the fact that I refuse to be with someone who I dont feel secure in after suffering through my breakups with N and Blake.


AS FREAKED out during this circle dance session-- I noticed her get mad and walk away so I followed her to the bathroom where she began cussing at me and throwing her fists up in her drunken state to tell me she didnt want to talk to me.  At one point she attempting to hit me out of rage. 

I chose to walk away at that point to let her cool down.


She refused to speak to me the entire night. Wouldn't tell me why she was mad.  Would not discuss what was going on or talk through it with me.

I chose to have a good time regardless of how she was acting because I knew she was toasted and that things would probably be fine the next day.

Yea, wrong.

She left the party without saying bye... didnt call me in the morning... didnt respond to any of my texts apologizing for making her upset and explaining that I did not grab his butt.

I did not hear from the girl for TEN DAYS.

YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, T-E-N DAYS.

At which point I receive an email from her bashing me as a person and as a friend- an email that rehashed any and every major (and not major) thing I have every done in the past 5 years of our friendship.  Things that could have so simply been resolved had she just mentioned that it bothered her so that I could correct the sitation.

Nope,  She took sucker punches.  She addressed things that she knows I regret more than anything in life- telling me that I was an awful person for doing this and for doing that.  She said she couldn't believe I did certain things-- things that she very clearly supported at the time.

I read that email and concluded that I was in a lose lose situation.

If I respond, It would turn into a " well you did this..." and "well you did that" session.

If I didnt respond, she would psychotically think that I knew everything she had said was true and that I couldnt fight her on it.


So I chose not to respond until I cooled down, shed my tears, and got my head on straight.

During that time, I did not hear one thing from her.  However, I did get many texts from one of her friends (who is kind of mutually friends with me since we have spent some weekends at the beach together) berrating me for being such a terrible person and for not apologizing for what I did and how could I sleep at night being the person that I am.

Apparently we are in middle school.

This girl who texted me is 29 years old.  Yes, it's sad.


I did not respond to any of those messages.

I chose to email AS back and simply said,

"Seems you've made it very clear your opinion of me.  I am sorry you feel this way about our friendship.  I wish you the very best regardless.  -A"


I mean what else was I supposed to say?

I refuse to work this hard for a friendship.  This is not the first time she has blown up over something ridiculous.  We lived together for 3 years in college and it was always something with her. 

I am broken because I am losing her friendship but for the first time in a long time, I am going to stand up for myself and the respect I deserve and walk away from this one.  Someone who treats me this way is not a true friend and I need to be okay weeding those people out.

But I am still sad.

Today- I received more texts for the 29 year old girl.  It brought me to tears once again.  It's like I cant get away from this drama even when I try.

I am trying to be the mature one in this situation although it would be very easy to stoop to her level and respond to her email.  I could discount every single thing she bashed me for and then turn around and bash her x10 for the things she has done.

But I wont do that.

I have done my part.  I apologized and tried to contact her not only the night this happened but also multiple times after that.

Her email barely even addressed what happened at the Christmas party-- it was more about bringing up all the things Ive ever done wrong to prove why she was justified in her reaction.

I am not perfect-- I will never claim to be.

But I do try really hard to be a good friend. A good person. Who puts others first.


I am so exhausted.  I am tired of putting so much effort into people and friendships and then have things like this happen.

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that these things seem to follow me.


ugh!

another one.

I feel like the past year has been a lot of me realizing that most of my friends are not my friends at all.

I chose to walk away from my friendship with Kelly because I didnt feel valued at all. Our flawed friendship created scars I realized I could overcome... considering that she didnt see (or care to see) that she was creating them..  I had to make a hard decision to walk away from something that was breaking me.  I haven't heard from her in 4 months. It sucks knowing that me silently walking away has not affected her at all.

Whats worse?

I think it's happening again.... just with someone else.


A friend I have always considered one of my best....

Why I considered her that is beyond me when I reflect on the past 4 years.



Im sad and exhausted and hurt and confused.

I want to tell you the whole story but my heart just cant handle anymore today.

I find myself asking, "What is wrong with ME?".... that people don't want to treat me how I feel like a friend should treat me?


It's sad that I have only a couple of IRL friends I feel I can truly trust.  I actually trust some of my bloggy friends more than some of my real friends.  I dont reach out to them or talk to them about these thing individually because I dont want to be a creeper. (Yeah, theres honesty for you.)

Its sad hat I feel closer to people I dont talk to on a regluar basis or know in real life than I do to people that are supposed to be my real life friends.

Im stuck in a lose lose situation and its tearing me apart.

Whats going on?

Ive been MIA again... I know.


Wanna know whats going on?  Well I dont have any time to explain so heres the run down.

1. My nanny family is moving in 4 days. Yes, I am freaking out.
2. Christmas is way expensive... like make me broke expensive... and it doesnt help that I have an amazing niece and I wanna buy her anything and everything in sight that I think will make her smile :)
3. I am no longer friends with my roommate from college.  She is officially psycho- as demonstrated after I drove 4 hours to hang out with her for the weekend and ended up hanging out alone most of the time because she is so insecure in herself and she and her boyfriends relationship that she chose to think only about herself and was connected to her hip neglecting me 99.9% of the time... not sure why Im suprised.
4. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few months-- ex: why I chose to walk away from Casey (fear of losing my independent woman status that I worked so hard for),  why I need to focus on me (working 7 days a week for 15 hours a day for 3 weeks will show you that), learning to recognize the friends who actually do care and choosing to focus on them rather than waste my time on the ones that dont.
5. I added in a new baby to my nanny crew yesterday. She is 8 weeks old and omgosh I love her! She is such a good baby!
6. I have scrapped my idea to run a marathon in February.  Im thinking that March is a better plan :)
7. Running when its cold.... in the dark... is not fun... at all

More later.  Im lame, I know.

Clarification

Just to clarify- conversation with Blake was through text, not a phone call.

I dont know why I responded

but I did.

I can't undo it.

After 8 months...

Blake contacted me today.

  (if you dont know who Blake is, check back at January-April 2010 and beyond)


After

8

Freakin

Months.


To tell me he rushed into his marriage and that it wasnt the right thing to do.


What am I supposed to say to that?

What am I supposed to say when he tells me he thinks about me every day?

What am I supposed to say when he says he's finally getting his PhD at VCU?

What am I supposed to say when I think about the pain his wife would feel if she knew he had contacted me after being married for over a year.

What am I supposed to say when he tells me he's sorry for everything he put me through?

What am I supposed to say when he tells me he wishes he had given "us" more time.

What am I supposed to say when he tells me he doesn't know what to do.


I told him to pray.

He told me he doesnt pray anymore.

I told him he should start.



After 8 months.

Oh My Goodness

WTH happened to November?

Its seriously time to start Christmas shopping and wrapping presents and craziness like that.

I am MIA.

I know.

Doubt anyone misses me so Im just gonna continue whatever it is Im doing.

11/11/11

A huge thank you for all the men and women who are, have, or ever will serve our country so selflessly.  I will never be able to thank you enough.


And yes, Mr. GAP, I am talking to you. Thank you- from the bottom of my heart. <3

Half

Half Marathon was excruciating.  I knew by mile 3 that this was gonna hurt- bad!  It was definitely not my best day running but I sucked it up and finished it in 2 hours and 10 minutes (6 minutes slower than my last one).  Although I wanted to do better, the course was hard and I was not feeling it.  I'll take it!

ch ch ch changes

I feel like the past month has just been filled with lots of changes.

I decided about 5 months ago that I was going to start moving towards my dream to start my own nannying agency to match families and nannies here in my town.

Then I added a family to my nannying schedule.

Then I found out that I was losing a family who will be moving in January.

Then I was asked to add in a brand new baby girl starting in December.

My dream for the agency has been postponed due to the craziness of the end of the year.  I have no clue how I would cover all the necessary aspects of the launch (insurance, clients, nannies) during the holidays while also trying to transition with my "kids" and helping my main family prepare to move.  Not to mention that Im going to be a wreck when they leave.

Maybe trucking forward would be better because then maybe my mind would be occupied enough for my heart not to hurt as much?

I dont know.

All I know is that there are changes coming at me from every which way

MIA

How is it that some weeks I end up posting every single day and then the very next week flies by before I even know what happened?


Yeah, me neither

Right Around the Corner

My half marathon is coming up quick!

My runs are getting longer and this time around, this race isnt going to be the light at the end of the tunnel.  I plan to run the Myrtle Beach Marathon in February if I can find a crew to accompany me for the weekend. 

Any takers? :)

Inspire Me Monday

 

:)

The family I nanny for is moving to Kansas City in January to become missionaries.




They told me last Friday.

Ive been a wreck the past week.

They are my family.

I have never missed a birthday... a holiday... a family photo or vacation...




What am I supposed to do without them?

Inspire Me Monday

Everyone said it couldn't be done....

Fit two car seats and a booster side by side in the back seat, that is....

but I did.

Thank you very much.

Applause is appreciated :)


And yes, I now officially look like a mom.

Take 3: Alabama

What do you get when you take 25 women and give them all shovels, rakes, and the love of Christ?

    

 

 .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You get an entire house demo-ed and cleaned up in the space of 4 hours.



Nothing is impossible with God.

Alabama Continued...

The family we helped most of the weekend lost everything in the tornado.  Their house was literally picked up and dropped in the middle of the road.  Doug and Barbara lost 10 acres of crops, their home, their livestock, and so much more.  Luckily they didn't lose one another. Twelve years ago, something had told Doug to purchase a storm shelter despite his wife's complaint that it was expensive and unneeded. That storm shelter saved not only Doug's life...  But his two daughters and grand-babies as well.  (His wife was at work at the local hospital)  The tornado was so powerful that it literally ripped 2 of the 3 hinges off the steel door of the shelter.  Doug painted us a vivid picture through his tears of how he stood behind that door, holding it with all his might praying that the Lord would spare his family. 

He made a deal with God that day.

He asked that God would spare his family and in return, he would humble himself and serve God from that day forward.

God answered Doug's prayer.

And Doug is holding up his end of the bargain.

We helped clear Doug's land and replant grass seed so that he will be able to plant some type of crop this year.  Let me tell you, Doug was always smiling.  It warmed my heart so much to see him carrying that seed distributor around laying seed before we shook out hay to cover and protect them.

Doug is so so precious.  His heart is HUGE.  And His love for the Lord is even bigger.  I love that when I look at him, that is the first thing I see.




Prayers are needed for him, though, my friends..... While he was holding the steel down onto the shelter, the Tornado was continually sucking all the air out of his lungs and then forcing it back in.  In addition to the air, it was also forcing particles of debris along with it.  Five months later, and Doug is having to prepare to undergo chemotherapy because of a fungus that is now growing in his lungs.

This man has gone through one of the scariest things I could ever imagine.... and now he is getting hit with this, too?! :(

I am praying hard for a quick and successful recovery.

I am so blessed to call this man my friend.

....More to come.

Sweet Home Alabama

Over last weekend, I was blessed with the chance to travel to Tuscaloosa to take park in some disaster relief with a group of singles from my church.  It is an experience that I will never forget and it lights a fire in my heart to do future disaster relief here in the States.

--------------------------------------------------

On April 27, 2011 at about 5:00pm, a Tornado measuring about a mile wide tore through Tuscaloosa, Alabama with wind speed reaching 264mph.  Most tornadoes only stay on the ground for a short while before they dissipate.  However, this storm is thought to have set a record by covering 300 miles before clearing.  The storm came out of no where.  The weather seemed perfect and many people were unaware that trouble was even brewing.  In about 3 minutes, Tuscaloosa's world was changed forever.

 (images courtesy of google)

To be continued....

Time Flies

So, totally didn't realize just how many things Ive neglected to blog about in the past month so here's a bullet style

• I turned 24 on September 17th.  It turned out great because we were throwing my coworker a going away party the same night so we just combined the two and went out as a huge group (my work friends and my other friends).  The best part?  My job paid for everything at the bar we started out the night at! So awesome when its your birthday and you have your company paying for your drinks :) I didn't want to do anything crazy because I'm not a huge drinker or party-er but I just wanted to everyone to get together.  Overall it was a great time.  Funny thing happened tho, N (my ex), got completely wasted and spontaneously proposed to me in the middle of a bar.  Obviously I just walked away because I was annoyed that he would do that.  Apparently I humiliated him, though, and hes not very happy with me. Whatever- you cant make everyone happy. :)
• I have about 5 weeks until my half marathon and am so grateful to still be running!  After my Alabama trip, I went for a run and woke up the next morning and couldn't put weight on my right foot.  I rested it a few days and went in and had xrays done.  First of all, my feet are jacked. The orthopedist asked if I had injured my foot in the past because there are a few old small cracks that look like they could have been fractures at one point.  This is a surprise to me considering that I have never injured my foot.  We eventually determined that I probably strained my Pero.neus Lo.ngus Tendon/Muscle and I shouldn't have significant problems with it after it heels.  What is probably happening is that one of my "fracture" sites that has calcified is rubbing the tendon and irritating it.  Anyways, I went for a run Friday morning and didn't have any problems.  Weird
• My trip to Alabama was AMAZING.  I am going to post pictures for you to see and tell about the families we worked with and the work we did.  Sorry- I know I promised this earlier this week but with my foot injury, things have been a little whack.

That is all for now, I have a really long To Do list to tackle before work!  Happy Saturday!

Tuscaloosa

Sorry for my absence--  I've been in Tuscaloosa, AL working with about 45 other singles from my church doing disaster relief.  I meant to post before I left but time got away from me.  I want to tell you all about it but I am exhausted so I will leave you with one of the most breathtaking views God has ever gifted me.

Enjoy

A lot of changes are happening in my life right now and I am freaking out.

These changes are occurring because of the positions of others and the changes that are happening in their lives.

I am scared because I cant see what it is that God is doing. 

I dont know what to do next.

I dont know what He is telling me.

And I dont know how he is going to provide.


I dont know anything and when I dont know anything... I choose to pray.... to trust Him.... to look towards Him...

Becuase really.... what else could I do?

Sweet Caroline,

       Today will forever be etched in my mind as a day of sorrow... and joy.  Today, we found out that sometime over the weekend, your precious little heart had stopped beating. My heart aches that you were never able to take your first breath here on this earth... but my heart cries tears of joy because I know that you are safely in the arms of Jesus... that your face is a sight of perfection... your hands and feet have all their fingers and toes.... your brain is whole... and your body has been made new.
      Caroline Elise, do you know how many people have loved you since the day we learned of your existence?  Your precious name has been spoken aloud so many times that it could be etched in the sky and no one would find it odd. We love you and we have never even met you.  We love you despite your diagnosis.... despite the fact that we knew you were never made for this world.  At some point along the way... the words Trisomy 13 stopped being seen as a death sentence... and started being seen as a precious gift from your heavenly father.  You, baby girl, don't ever have to experience the pain of this world..... you, little one, got to be born into the warm embrace of your creator.
         Your mommy is one of the most amazing mommys I have ever known.  She loves you more than life itself and she would have given you her life had it been possible.  But because she couldnt, she instead chose to carry your little body within the safety of her womb. You were such a fighter.  We realized that every single week that your heart continued to beat even when we were told not to expect it anymore.  You survived 13 weeks longer than the doctors said you would.  Ironic that the same number that took your life, also represented life.  Your mommy never questioned carrying you.  She knew that she would love you just as she loves your brother... because you are her baby...because you were fearfully and wonderfully made.
          Your life is my light... and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to love you... to dream of you... and to marvel at your beauty when your perfect and precious body comes into this world. Thank you- for all that you are.  I love you sweet baby girl.

Miss A

9/11

We will never forget.

Inspire Me.... Tuesday? :)

Holden

Spent the weekend at Holden Beach with some friends-

I seriously think I cried when I realized the weekend was over and I had to go back to the real world.

Thank God for good friends, the beach, and vacays!

:)

PS sorry I didnt post an Inspire Me! Monday post-  I am still pretending I am on vacation.... haha-... Im definitely not

Haunted by a Question

I wrote this post a while back but never felt like I could post it.  Im not sure why so I have decided to share this with all of you.  I hope it speaks to you as much as it spoke to me

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been reading "Capt.ivat.ing" by Jo.hn and St.asi Elde.red.ge for my quiet time lately and came across a chapter that really radiated through me.  It gave clarity that I think every woman longs for under the surface so I wanted to share some of the key points with you.


(All ideas are taken from the book "Capti.vating.".  I do not take any credit)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have been surrounded since birth by fairy tales.  Cinderella. Beauty and the Beast.  Sleeping Beauty.  Stories in which a beautiful woman is fought for and rescued by their Prince from the perils of evil.  We have seen their romance.  We have seen the beauty that got them there. And then... we see that we are not them.




All women are haunted by a question...




Am I lovely?




Do I matter?


Am I worth it?


Do you see me?




Do I captivate you?




Our deepest doubt is that we do not have any genuine beauty to unveil. We try.  Oh! Do we try! New diets, new outfits, new hair color, new exercise regimes.




But still, we are haunted. 


Haunted at the core of our beings because we know, that if we only pass a mirror, we will see that we are not what we were intended to be.


Then the shield rises. We retreat. We hide. Hide in our busyness.  Hide in activities.  Hide in our depression. We begin to believe, "there is nothing captivating about me."




When the world was new and we were innocent, there was nothing to hide.  Adam and Eve lived in a shameless glory.  Until....


Until that serpent convinced Eve that God was holding out on her. Satan convinced Eve that in order to have the best possible life, she must take matters into her own hands.


Sound familiar?


That fall cursed us for life.


"To the woman He said, 'I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children.  Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'" (Genesis 3:16)


This curse cannot only be limited to babies and marriage.  It encompasses so much more.  Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man), and with the dominance of men (which is not how things were meant to be).


Is that not true?


Arent your deepest worries and heartaches relational?  Arent they linked to someone? Are you ever filled?  Or are you always longing for more intimacy? More control? Less vulnerability?


 Women are not inviting beings.  We are guarded. Most of our energy is spent tryng to hide our true selves and control our worlds to have some sense of security.


Women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability.  Far from God, this way of life seems perfectly reasonable. However, we must see that this self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God.  It is our gut level response to a dangerous world.


This does not mean a woman cannot be strong. However, too many women forfeit their femininity in order to feel safe and in control.  Like Eve, we hide.  We hide because we are afraid.  To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less.  At least that is what we think.  And so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands.  We don't return to our God offering our broken hearts.  We hide.... Afraid that our question will never be answered.


We are notorious for finding substitutes in an attempt to fill our emptiness.  We buy ourselves nice things when we feel unappreciated.  We indulge in romance novels, gossip, women's magazines.  None of these things really satisfy.  They are simply what we give our hearts away to instead of giving them to the heart of God.


Why cant we see.....?


"God has not deserted us in our bondage?"  (Ezra 9:9)


Rather than turning back to God, we continue down this path of destruction by doing what we can to secure ourselves in a dangerous and unpredictable world.


And our question still remains.




Unanswered.




Or at least we think it is.

I want to be beautiful

And make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart

And be amazed

I want to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

I just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful.

- Bethany Dillon, "Beautiful

Inspire Me! Monday

Hurricane Irene,

You are no fun.

 Please go away.


Love,
 A

Seriously?! Thursday

I havent blogged much about this yet (dont worry, I will) but now I at least need to give you some insight into this so that this story makes sense.

I am choosing to go full time with my nannying this fall (As in Monday) so that in the next year, I can open my own nannying agency to help connect families and babysitters/nannies here in my area.  It is exciting and scary all at the same time but I am confident that this is where the Lord is leading me.

Anyways- because I am moving into full time nannying, I chose to purchase my own toddler car seat so that I will not have to switch car seats every time I have a certain child, etc.  I refuse to pay $300 on a car seat but am adamant about making sure that the seat is top of the line and completely safe for these babies/children.

So I turned to Eb.ay and searched for only NEW and FACTORY SEALED car seats by Britax to purchase.  I finally found the one that had great reviews and a cute, neutral print but didnt want to go through a bidding war or wait the 5 days until the listing was over SOOO I contacted the seller and negotiated a "Buy It Now" price with him.

No biggie- we came to an agreement, I paid him through secure PayPal and then waited for him to send me a tracking number.

He shipped the car seat SUPER FAST (as in, sent it the very next morning after payment went through and I received it the next day).

Wahooo!.... Right?!




Nope.



I got the package today and.....




He sent me the WRONG CARSEAT and THE WRONG PRINT!

Seriously!?  What is up with people? I will not accept this and refuse to pay return shipping for the problem to be corrected.  So I VERY politely sent him an email with the issue and told him I assumed he would correct this problem.  I haven't heard back yet (I mean I only sent the message an hour ago) but I am almost preparing myself for a not so fun conversation with this guy when he comes up with some excuse as to why he wont pay for the mistake and that he is not responsible somehow.  I am going to hope and pray for the best but am also preparing myself for a confrontation- ha!

Hows that for my 2nd downer Seriously?! Thursday in a row? ;-)

SERIOUUUSSSSLLYYYY!!!!


*** I chose the Bri.ta.x Bo.ulev.ard CS Convertible Car Seat (retails at $339.99). I would have been just as comfortable with the Mar.ath.on but this guy negotiated a reasonable price.

2/18/2011

I found this post in my draft box.  Apparently I forgot to post it back in February.  I smiled when I read it because I still have days like this sometimes-- I think I (along with tons of moms) will always have days like this.  But it made me smile because it is so true that even when you are in emotional limbo, you can realize just how much you love someone or some thing and find yourself raising your eyes to the heavens thanking God for giving you these little realizations in the midst of all the chaos.

Today 

...has not been good.

...has not been bad.

Nothing bad happened.

But nothing good happened either.

Today has just left feeling very.... uneasy... about life.

The weather was gorgeous today. 70 degrees. Sunny. With a cool breeze. Pretty close to perfection. I went down to the beach to take a walk with my dad, little sister, and niece to soak it all in.

It was good.

I was able to love on my niece and hear her amazing giggles and goos and oh my gosh, I could have just died realizing how much I love that little girl.

It was so good.

I showered after the beach. Folded some laundry. Cleaned up my room. Went to feed my older sisters' dogs while she was at work then headed to babysit.

The kids were awesome tonight. We have had some really tough weeks lately. My patience has been close to nothing. Ive had to discipline a lot. I have not taken advantage of story times. Snuggle times. Meal times to talk about days. I have literally left my job many many times in the last week disappointed in myself for not utilizing the time I have with these kids more.

Teaching them.

Listening to them.

Loving on them.

Snuggling with them.

Reading to them.

Sometimes I just get SO tired.

I know that moms get that way sometimes... but I am not a mom. I just play one 30 hours a week.

But sometimes I do.... I do just get tired.

Tired of saying the same things OVER and OVER and OVER just to have them be disobedient ANYWAYS

Tired of wiping butts and finding poop in their pants AGAIN even though they have pooped on the potty since January.

Tired of hearing screaming and crying because one hit their sibling even though they know not to.

Tired of having to answer the same question again and again because for some reason they think the answer is going to change if they keep asking.

I just get tired.

But I love those kids.

I love them so much that I am overwhelmed just thinking about how much I will actually love my OWN child one day if I can love someone else's children this much.

TODAY... I felt refreshed even though emotionally I am in limbo.  I felt refreshed because of the beautiful, wonderful, incredible, love I feel when I think about the little things (or ones) in my life.


Thank you Lord for that reminder.

Half to Whole

My half Marathon is November 6th but I think I am just going to use that as a midpoint and keep running and do a Marathon 5-8 weeks after that. That way I can cross another thing off my bucket list. :) Anyone anywhere near North Carolina and know of any good Marathons around then?!  I just finished week 3 of training and am feeling fairly good... Nothing outside of the usual aches and pains that go along with running I guess. Its really hard to make myself get up in the morning but once I do, its great to know that my run is complete for the day.

Heres to beating up my body for my bucket list :)

Cheers

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!??? Thursday

I got rear-ended in my brand new car yesterday....

SERIOUSLY?!

yeah-- by an idiot who watched the light turn green and decided to go without checking if the cars in front of her had gone.

Luckily I was on the way to a nannying job and didn't have any kids in the car (THANK GOD!)

This girl acted like it was no big deal, saying "Are you okay? These things happen."  What the heck! You hit me honey, it wouldn't have happened had you been paying attention.  She is in NC on business so she was in a rental car paid for by her company.  She had no registration obviously.  Dispatch said they couldnt get an officer out to do a report for 2 HOURS!  Seriously!?  So I opted to get her information

When I looked yesterday, I didnt see anything but a few scratches but this morning I realized that my bumper looked off.  Luckily I had my first service appointment at Hyundai today and asked the guys to take a look.  They replaced the bumper clips that got snapped by the impact for $22 (!!).

The scratches on the bumper are almost unnoticeable but I want to have them fixed anyways.  This sucks for her (or her company) because repainting my bumper is going to be at least $300 but it is a new car and it was not my fault that she hit me.  Obviously I am thinking about the resale value of the car if I leave the scratches so that is just not an option.

My fear is that although she seemed like an honest person, that she will not answer my calls when I call her to speak with her about how much it's going to cost to fix it.

Seriously, people?!  PAYYY ATTENNNTIIOOONNNNN!!!

UGH.

Bucket List

Everyone has one.

A bucket list, that is.

A list of all the things you hope to do before you die.

Over the years, mine has gotten longer and longer but it's always fun to see what my goals are, however silly they become.  When my computer crashed last year, I lost the whole list and have been slowly remembering things and creating a new one. So here it is, the infamous bucket list that probably doesnt include all the things I want to do in life but may one day come close.

1. Do a zipline in the jungle
2. Be on TV
3. Attend a UNC vs Duke game at the DEAN DOME!
4. Go to an Atlanta Braves Baseball Game
5. Run a Half Marathon
6. Run a Marathon
7. Go to Europe
8. Go to Kenya
9. Buy an SUV before age 25
10. Buy a Home
11. Get Married
12. Be a Mommy
13. Send Mom & Dad on a crazy nice vacay without any kids or grandkids
14. Adopt a baby internationally
15. See my baby sister become a mom
16. Take a Spontaneous trip (as in decide today, gone tomorrow)
17. Run a 5k with my dad
18. Run a 5k with mt Older Sister
19. Start own Nannying Agency
20. Do a mud-run

Piece of Crap.

Sorry for the harshness of the title.

However, that is exactly how Im viewing my former friend right now.....


K and I have been really good friends since 2007.  She graduated with her accounting degree and moved to Raleigh about a year ago.  Since then she has fallen off the wagon.  She has begun doing things that I would never expect (drinking, guys, etc) and has progressively become a really unreliable friend.  I love her and really value our friendship so I have continued to keep in contact with her, reach out to her, pray for her, and hang out with her when she comes to town. On more than on occasion she has bailed last minute or been a complete bitty when we hang out.

There have been many times where I was just ready to throw in the towel on our friendship because of how awful she has been to me.  If you know me at all, you will notice that I am way too forgiving and tend to justify people's actions to give them the benefit of the doubt... I always give people more chances than they deserve. 

Welp, this time it came back to bite me in the butt.

K asked me to come up to Raleigh for the weekend to hang out and do some runs (she is running the same half marathon as I am) so about 3 weeks ago, I put in my days off at work, rescheduled some babysitting jobs, and set everything into motion for my weekend trip.  Throughout this process I double and triple checked with K to make sure that the plan was still good and that I wasnt taking off work for a trip that wasnt going to happen.  She assured me that yes, it was totally fine and she couldnt wait to see me.

Considering I was supposed to head up Friday night, I started calling her the previous Sunday to touch base.  I called Sunday- no answer, no call back.  I called Monday- no answer, no call back.  Tuesday K texts me around 6:30pm saying "I'll call you later tonight" - I received no call or additional texts.  Wednesday I get another text around 6:30pm that says, "sorry, I suck. Moving to Charlotte this weekend. My parents are coming to help me.  Call me later tonight and we can try to work something out."

WHAT THE F!

What is there to work out?  You are clearly bailing out. There are a few things that just piss me off about that text.

1) There is absolutely NO way that you randomly found out on a Wednesday afternoon that you were going to move to another city that weekend. Especially considering that you rent an apartment with a lease that isnt up and have a salary job that you cannot break contract with for another 2 months.
2) If you are really moving to Charlotte and knew it was a potential, then why did you not call me and give me a heads up weeks ago to tell me that it could affect our weekend?
3) Why the heck are you texting me to discuss this instead of calling me.
4) Why do you not sound sorry AT ALL that you've screwed me over once again (This is not the first time I have taken off work to hang out with her and had her bail.)

I called her that night around 9pm when I got off babysitting- no answer, no call back, no text.

At that point I was so over it.  I did not even try to call her after that night and NEVER FREAKIN HEARD FROM HER!!

I dont understand how people like that sleep at night.

I am done with she and I's friendship. She is selfish and demeaning and only cares about herself.  She made that very very clear this time around.  She KNEW that I had taken off work.  She KNEW that I had switched Babysitting jobs around.

I actually feel like an idiot for entertaining her BS for so long.

It is now Saturday and I have not heard one single thing from her.  No apology.  No explanation. Nothing.  I do believe that she is either lying to me because she found something she thought was better to do for the weekend OR she isnt lying and knew about the move all along but decided that it wasnt going to benefit her to let me know ahead of time.  I'm not sure if I will ever hear from her again because Im sure she knows she screwed up.  Or maybe, she is such a jerk that she doesnt realize shes done anything wrong.  Whatever, regardless I will not be answering her calls anymore.

I have decided that I am not even going to try to discuss this with her.  Whats the point when it clearly doesnt matter to her?

Whats that saying?

Fool me once, shame on you.  
Fool me twice, shame on me.


Yeah.

Seriously?! Thursday

I love linking up to Becky's Seriously?! Thursday posts! She is so funny and such a great mama and I love being able to depend on her posting every single day :)  I LOVE reliable people!! And she gives great insight into life and mommyhood!  Head on over and say hello!

 SERIOUSLY? How is it already August 11th?  I turn 24 in just over a month. I totally thought I had more time until I hit that milestone....

Seriously? Is it just me or are there a whole lot of people in this world that suck big time?  I am realizing more and more just how crappy my long time "friends" are and how it's time to find better friends. (Post coming...)

SERIOUSLYY!? How is my niece ONE already?  She was just born last week- Im serious. :( Im in trouble when I have my own kids because Im already crying by how fast shes growing up and she isnt even mine!

Seriously? Running = acne.  Well... for me anyways.  SO annoying that Im 23 years old and in order to do one of the things I love, I have to deal with this teenager crap.  Any advice?! SERIOUSLY! I dont want to stop running but I refuse to have a pizza face.  Yes, I have tried just about everything you can think of.

Seriously? How in the world is this Tuscaloosa trip actually working out?  I have clearance from all of my jobs to take the time off and I am turning in my deposit and application today. WHOA! Now, all I have to do is wait for them to call to let me know whether I have been accepted or not!

Seriously? Ive been thinking about doing my own "blog thing" on Mondays and asking everyone to join in.  I thought my idea was a great one until I googled and realized that about a million bloggers have already done this... with buttons and schedules and all.  Sad times.  Seriously? How it is that all my cool ideas are already taken?  I think I'll do it anyways.  Anyone know how to make my own personal Button?! :) 

Seriously, its about time. Ive been trying to make sure that I blog about the things I want to blog about instead of just making a draft with the idea and then never taking the time to write about it.  I think Im doing a lot better considering that I could easily go weeks just reading and not writing. 

On 2nd thought, Im not even sure I have readers left so I guess this is just my own person public journal.  Awesome.


:)

What made you go seriously!? this week?

Tuscaloosa

My church is sending a group of 50 singles (aka non-married people) to Tuscaloosa at the end of September for just a few days to help rebuild the destruction caused by the Tornadoes back in April.  I think I am going to pray about applying to be part of the team.  I have already cleared the dates with both families I babysit for and signed up for Spiritual Preparation Training that is required by my church to go on any short term missions.  Now I need to run it by my boss at work and figure out where I am going to get the funds from.

I want to make sure that I am going on this trip for the right reasons.  I don't want to be selfish or self fulfilling or go for any other reason than to share the love of Christ with others and use my hands to do his good works.  I want to impact Tuscaloosa, Alabama however I can.

I am going to finish filling out the application tomorrow and turn it in to the church on Wednesday. But for right now, my booty needs some sleep.  6am is going to comefast.

:)

Totally exhausted

I feel like I havent sat down in weeks.  From working to babysitting to running, I seriously feel like Im moving a mile a minute.

I'll be back when I get a second to breathe

FinFin

My niece, Finley, turns 1 year old on Tuesday and we are having her party tomorrow afternoon.  I cannot believe she is already a year old!  I love that little girl soooo much!  Just thought I'd share :)

It's that time again....

 

Yup. I'm officially INSANE. I started training for my 2nd half marathon yesterday and plan to continue training after the race to complete a Marathon (I really wanna cross this one off my bucket list).

Im going to be honest.  I REALLY have NO motivation this time around. Especially at 6am when my alarm goes off but I LOVE running (Just not the whole getting back into shape thing) and I feel so much less stressed and anxious when Im active on a daily basis.  I am a goal oriented person so I really need a goal to work towards.  Ive tried just running on my own (aka without a race to train for) and I tend to come up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldnt run that day.

For example...

Its too hot.

Its too early.

My knees hurt.

I need to catch up on sleep.

It looks like rain.

I might get stolen (HAHA!)

I get too bored with no one to run with.

I could seriously go on for days with my excuses but the bottom line is that I will make excuses and then one rest day will become 50 rest days and then I will be right back at square one before I know it.

This is a good thing. I am choosing to put on my big girl panties and just do it. 

So yes, I am going to regain my craziness from last year and start this 12-14 week training session ALL OVER AGAIN.  

Wish me luck :)

*** I create my own training plan normally.  This time around, I merges three 10-12 week half marathon training plans into one 14 week training plan that I knew would work with my pace and needs.  Lets hope I know myself as well as I think I know myself :)

I miss my girl, J!

I decided I needed to officially post something for my friend, J, who just brought her little girl home! 

There are a few reasons I decided that it was time. 

For starters, J disabled comments a long time ago but still, to this day, after I read her posts, I still get all excited to tell her whatever it is that I wanna tell her because I have forgotten she doesnt have comments.... :) Then I see that I cant leave a comment and get super bummed..... Come on, J! You are cramping my commenting style :) Just messing- I totally understand why you did it but now that this is my only way to officially communicate with you, you will be getting individual posts on my blog! :) You are one lucky lucky lady!

Secondly, let me tell you friends, her baby girl is SO STINKIN CUTE I would squeeze her precious little cheeks if I could see her in person.  J and G have been waiting for this little girl for a long long time and it just makes me SO happy that she finally has the little family she has been dreaming about! So a big Congratulations to this wonderful Mama and Daddy!

Lastly, this woman is so loving her time with her baby that she hasnt been posting as often as she usually does.  Now I'm selfish (and nosey haha) and am bummed that I havent "heard" from her in a little while. :)

So J! You are officially killing me! I wanna see some more pictures and hear more about your first couple weeks with that beautiful child of yours! :)


LOVEEE YOUUUUU!!!  ;)

How is it that...

.....days off flash before your eyes 

and 

work days seem to last forever?

Ive never been able to figure that one out :)

Home Stretch

Just sat down and wrote out a really long post and then decided that I'm not sure I am ready to post it yet.  So into the draft box it goes.


Meanwhile.  Today is my last day with the boys overnight! Wahoo! Like I said, I love my job but I am SOOOOO excited to sleep in my own bed and see my family! 8 days is a LONG time to play Mama, especially when you are continuing to sit for your regular families on top of it all. (Yes, some of the week I have had 7 kids- 3 of them are way older so its definitely do-able but it means absolutely no breaks for me)

I have some big changes coming up in the Fall that I will be posting about soon and definitely need some input from all you Mamas out there. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE :)

Happy Saturday!

Seriously?! Thursday

 

...... Do kids this old REALLY not know..... how to clear their plates after dinner?  Or put their dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor?  Or follow directions the first time?  Lord, Help me.

..... Is my sister and her husband and baby REALLY gonna live with us for the next 9 months while their house is being built? I totally love them but man, thats a lot of people in the same house!

.....  Amber from TeenMom, you must seriously have a mental disorder that makes you believe you are the victim in EVERY situation.  Seriously.  You are the worst Mother I have ever seen.  Do you not see the awful things you are instilling ALREADY in your TWO YEAR OLD!  Do you really not hear how awful you sound when you speak to Gary?!  Do you not realize that these are serious things that can RUIN YOUR LIFE if you don't get your crap together.  Come on, girl.

.....  I have been trying to get my (almost) 1 year old niece to say my name- "Aunt Say" (Reason why I am called this is another story for another day).  She has been really into saying, "dat" for the past couple weeks.   She says "Dat" for "Cat" and points to things all day long and says "Dat?" for "Whats that?" but today she started pointing at me and saying,"Dat?" (Whats that?")  I kept telling her, "I'm Aunt Say.  Can you say Aunt Say?" Yeah.... didnt work.  She continued to point and say, "dat" OVER and OVER and OVER again.  So either my niece thinks Im a cat or she still cant figure out what I am.... sad. ;-)

Overnight Nannying is Tough

Let me tell you, people.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job as a nanny/babysitter!

I could never see myself doing anything else but let me tell you something else....


This junk is hard!  :-P

Especially when you are nannying overnight....

FOR 8 DAYS.....


....for a family who have totally whack discipline techniques!


or should I say no discipline techniques.



Prayers are appreciated, thanks. :)

The Right Thing

I know I did the right thing ending things with boy.... so what I want to know is...

why the heck do I feel so crappy?

I did everything I could do to keep my mind off the fact that I was supposed to be in Ohio this past weekend with him (yes, I told him I would not go).   I went out on the boat with some friends on Thursday, took one of my "littles" that I babysit for on a "Date" to the Children's Museum on Friday before babysitting that night and then headed straight over to another family's house to start an 7 day long overnight job 2 days early.

What else am I supposed to do?


I cant make myself any busier than I am.

It doesnt matter that I felt like God was telling me boy wasnt the one.  What matter rights now is that I know I hurt him (even though he understood) and I have no idea what the past week has been for him.  For all I know, he's been fine but it still makes me feel guilty that he could be still upset with me.


Im rambling, I know.


But how do you keep walking away from something like this when you feel so bad about it?!


Do not get confused.  I will not be contacting him nor getting back with him because God made His intended path very clear to me but Im just thinking outloud right now. 

These thoughts are raw.

So dont judge me.

The story

So, not sure if anyone still reads this thing but figured if anyone was, they might want to know what happened Friday.

Thursday night, boy and I hung out and for some reason it was incredibly awkward.  All I wanted to do was get out of there... idk why.  He seemed on edge so it put me on edge and by the time he tried to kiss me goodbye, it was so uncomfortable that I didnt even know what to do.

Friday, I woke up like any other day.  No "Im going to break up with boy today" thoughts or anything outside of my usual reservations and concerns.  As the day progressed, I became more and anxious and uneasy and couldnt put my foot on what it was.  It was like the Lord was trying to tell me something but my mind was so busy and loud with thoughts about boy and the night before that I couldnt even hear His message.

By the time I got home that night, I was almost to the point of tears because I knew God was making me uneasy for a reason but I didnt know if it was boy or something else. 

My brother was in town briefly and came to visit.  We ended up talking about the whole boy situation.  He was so great just listening to me and letting me say what was on my mind.  He didnt say much during our conversation.  It was more just me needing to reason it all outloud.

By the time he left I knew what I needed to do. :(


Never have I ever been 100% sure that I was supposed to be with boy.

Like I have said before, he is so awesome and he is everything I would ever want in a husband but there was always something missing between us.... something I couldnt put my finger on.... but that missing piece always left me confused and concerned and scared- unable to move forward with him.

You cant marry someone you dont connect with, right?

There were things all along that made me feel like everything was perfect, except for the fact that there was no spark....

When boy put his hand gently on my leg, I felt nothing.

When he kissed me....?  Nothing.

When he would wrap his arms around me to hug me goodbye?

Nothing.

No butterflies.

No giddyness.

Nothing.

If I saw him, it was great.

but...

if I didnt see him, it wouldnt ruin my day or make me sad.



Seriously, when I say this boy seemed "perfect" for me, I am not overexaggerating.

The way he responds to me is amazing.

The way he listens to me is astounding.

The way he looks at ME and not through me is reassuring.

The way he is everything I am not, makes me feel understood.

Its like he fits me easily.

But I could never get us to that next level emotionally.

I prayed for weeks that the spark would find its way to us and that I wouldnt have to walk away from a guy that I really really liked.  It never happened and I have to be logical in the situation. 

I knew I didnt want to lead him on or hurt him in any way.

So I told him how I felt.  He agreed that if I wasnt sure now after all this time, then It probably wasnt right.  He knew that he couldnt make things any different than they were and neither could I.

I feel selfish in ways.

I feel guilty.

I feel hurt.

I feel sad.

I feel angry.

The worst part?  His best friend is getting married 12 hours away on Friday (21st) and we were supposed to go together.  Obviously I will not be accompanying him anymore and it makes me feel like crap.

Sometimes the right thing to do is not always the easiest.

I am very much at peace with my decision.  I know I did the right thing.  I realized that the Lord did not intend for me to ever walk down the aisle with boy.  Unfortunately. 

I am going to choose to be grateful in this matter.

Grateful that the Lord loves me enough to lay conviction on my heart and mind even when I am trying to do things my own way.  I am grateful that he is making me walk away before anyone gets really really hurt.  Before I have a ring on my finger from the wrong man.   And before I have children whom I have to drag through a divorce.

I will choose to be grateful today.

And tomorrow.

And every single day until the Lord reveals his perfect plan for my life.




*****(Boy and I have had numerous conversations about my reservations so he knew EXACTLY how I felt and knew all about my reservations and concerns.  He was NOT in the dark here.  He was not blindsighted when we finally had the "break up" conversation. He knew there was a possibility that our issues would not work themselves out and that we could very well find ourselves in this place.)

I ended things with boy last night.


I know I did the right thing.



But I still feel like crap.

Baby Elle!

I am STOKED to announce that J and G's daughter was born yesterday!!  SO EXCITED FOR THEM!  Send some prayers their way as they wait for TPR to be signed!!! I cant wait to see her beautiful little face!!!!!!  Love ya J!



**** Melissa, for some reason blogger wont let me comment on your blog- ugh! But thank you for the comment! I love this quote so much and am glad that it connected our blogs! Nice to "meet" you! I look forward to following along! :)

Oh Boy

Ive had reservations about boy from the beginning. (as you can tell from me taking my month long break) but something has always kept me feeling like I should give this one a chance.

We had a huge issue 4th of July weekend about him setting expectations and then being disappointed when they didnt happen.  To make the story short, he was being a needy little girl and if you cant tell, I dont deal with crap like that.

The Tuesday after the 4th, we talked about the issue over the weekend and decided to take a few days to process before talking again.

We finally spoke on Saturday night-  by that time I was so annoyed and over the situation, that I walked into it with the intention to just tell him this was way too hard and how could we expect this to ever work if we are having issues like this already.

but

the Lord really redeemed us during our talk.

I literally dropped all my reservations and doubts in his lap (very bluntly, might I add....) expecting him to have the typical guy response.....

he most definitely did not respond the way I expected.

He was so understanding and mature when it came to what we needed to do to gain clarity in the relationship.

Ladies,  this man is awesome.  He loves the Lord so so much and it radiates off of him with everything he does.  All I know is that no one is perfect and I needed this discussion to happen in order to knock him off that pedestal in my mind.  (I almost felt like he was too perfect for me before).

I know Im being very vague but I am just over talking about it and want to move forward.

I have no idea what the Lord has in store for boy and I but I do know that he is clearly telling me to trust HIM and wait it out.

We are going to his hometown in Ohio at the end of the month for his friends' wedding.  I do think that the trip will give us a better idea of whether we see this working out or not.

I do really like him... he is everything I would ever want in my husband and the father of my children.  My reservation lies in whether there is THAT connection... that spark... that a marriage needs to last.

Am I attracted to him?

yes.

Is he awesome?

yes.

Does he love the Lord?

yes.

Is he established with a job and home?

yes.

Does any of this matter if that connection isnt there?

nope.

I have really separated  eliminated the physical aspect of this relationship for the main reason that I have had physical relationships in the past with I do not want to fall into that trap again.

I want Christ to be the center and I want our relationship to be led by truth, not feelings or physical encounters.

I think that somewhere along the way, I forgot to add the physical part back in (boundaries are already in place, yes) and now I just have this fear in it becoming part of our relationship.  Im not sure why but I am....  I guess its something I need to give over to God.

The way he responds to me is unlike anything Ive ever experienced.  He gets me when I feel like no one else does.  He listens to me and really seems to genuinely care about what I think.  He is gentle. Respectful. Yet bold, too.  He is calm when I am panicked. He is quiet when I am loud.  He is understanding when I am judgemental. 

I see such a potential.  Yet sometimes I dont.  Im not sure if fear is keeping me from seeing this as something that could work or if this is really not meant to be. 

Oh Boyyyyyy!


I guess only time will tell.   Until that time when I know, I am just going to try to keep trusting that the Lord's plan for me is great and he will bring it to full completion in HIS time.

I read this over on J's blog (LOVE her!) and absolutely LOVE this quote so I wanted to share it with you!

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."

— Maya Angelou

 

 

This is exactly what I want for myself.  A man who loves the Lord enough that he seeks Him in order to seek me.  How incredibly breathtaking to think of a life where your husband seeks your heart in your Heavenly Father?  I pray that I will be blessed with a man like that one day.

Love

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before."