The story

So, not sure if anyone still reads this thing but figured if anyone was, they might want to know what happened Friday.

Thursday night, boy and I hung out and for some reason it was incredibly awkward.  All I wanted to do was get out of there... idk why.  He seemed on edge so it put me on edge and by the time he tried to kiss me goodbye, it was so uncomfortable that I didnt even know what to do.

Friday, I woke up like any other day.  No "Im going to break up with boy today" thoughts or anything outside of my usual reservations and concerns.  As the day progressed, I became more and anxious and uneasy and couldnt put my foot on what it was.  It was like the Lord was trying to tell me something but my mind was so busy and loud with thoughts about boy and the night before that I couldnt even hear His message.

By the time I got home that night, I was almost to the point of tears because I knew God was making me uneasy for a reason but I didnt know if it was boy or something else. 

My brother was in town briefly and came to visit.  We ended up talking about the whole boy situation.  He was so great just listening to me and letting me say what was on my mind.  He didnt say much during our conversation.  It was more just me needing to reason it all outloud.

By the time he left I knew what I needed to do. :(


Never have I ever been 100% sure that I was supposed to be with boy.

Like I have said before, he is so awesome and he is everything I would ever want in a husband but there was always something missing between us.... something I couldnt put my finger on.... but that missing piece always left me confused and concerned and scared- unable to move forward with him.

You cant marry someone you dont connect with, right?

There were things all along that made me feel like everything was perfect, except for the fact that there was no spark....

When boy put his hand gently on my leg, I felt nothing.

When he kissed me....?  Nothing.

When he would wrap his arms around me to hug me goodbye?

Nothing.

No butterflies.

No giddyness.

Nothing.

If I saw him, it was great.

but...

if I didnt see him, it wouldnt ruin my day or make me sad.



Seriously, when I say this boy seemed "perfect" for me, I am not overexaggerating.

The way he responds to me is amazing.

The way he listens to me is astounding.

The way he looks at ME and not through me is reassuring.

The way he is everything I am not, makes me feel understood.

Its like he fits me easily.

But I could never get us to that next level emotionally.

I prayed for weeks that the spark would find its way to us and that I wouldnt have to walk away from a guy that I really really liked.  It never happened and I have to be logical in the situation. 

I knew I didnt want to lead him on or hurt him in any way.

So I told him how I felt.  He agreed that if I wasnt sure now after all this time, then It probably wasnt right.  He knew that he couldnt make things any different than they were and neither could I.

I feel selfish in ways.

I feel guilty.

I feel hurt.

I feel sad.

I feel angry.

The worst part?  His best friend is getting married 12 hours away on Friday (21st) and we were supposed to go together.  Obviously I will not be accompanying him anymore and it makes me feel like crap.

Sometimes the right thing to do is not always the easiest.

I am very much at peace with my decision.  I know I did the right thing.  I realized that the Lord did not intend for me to ever walk down the aisle with boy.  Unfortunately. 

I am going to choose to be grateful in this matter.

Grateful that the Lord loves me enough to lay conviction on my heart and mind even when I am trying to do things my own way.  I am grateful that he is making me walk away before anyone gets really really hurt.  Before I have a ring on my finger from the wrong man.   And before I have children whom I have to drag through a divorce.

I will choose to be grateful today.

And tomorrow.

And every single day until the Lord reveals his perfect plan for my life.




*****(Boy and I have had numerous conversations about my reservations so he knew EXACTLY how I felt and knew all about my reservations and concerns.  He was NOT in the dark here.  He was not blindsighted when we finally had the "break up" conversation. He knew there was a possibility that our issues would not work themselves out and that we could very well find ourselves in this place.)