He won. **UPDATE**

Original Post (10/3/09, 10:13pm):

There is an annual festival in my home town- one that I always go to. There is a street fair, dancing, concerts, contests, and fun kid stuff. There is always a wakeboard contest and we would always spend the entire day there. This is the first year I didn't go.... for obvious reasons. I couldn't bear to be back home and know that the contest was going on and I wasn't there.

As I said here, N's wakeboard video premiered tonight at 9pm. I knew that it would be a bad idea to go so that is why I asked to work and decided to volunteer at the race today. That way I couldn't change my mind.

I texted N this morning to wish him luck at the contest because Ive never not been there. He never answered. I decided to be better than that and texted him again tonight around 8:30 (as I knew the premier was at 9pm) and just said, "I hope the premier goes well tonight and you rode well today."

He texted me back immediately.
He won his division.
He hasn't done that in years.
He doesn't compete well.
Always chokes up and doesn't throw
what I know he can.

I always used to wonder
whether I was the reason
he didn't do well.
That he was stressed because
I was there watching him.
Seems that it was true.
The first year I'm not there.
He wins.

When I got the text,
I wanted to cry.
I couldn't help it.
I was crushed.
I refrained even though
it was hard
because I was at work
with a bunch of guys
who would have freaked out
and not known what to do.

I'm really upset. As I type this, I'm fighting back the tears. I really wanted to be there. I love watching N wakeboard- it is his passion and I have always been so supportive of that. I am so proud of him and what he has accomplished so far. I am the girl who stands on the shore grinning ear to ear as he competes because that is MY boyfriend out there that everyone is cheering for.

I feel like I'm missing out. Our life together is going on still, just I'm not in it.

that sucks.
Big. Time.

I'm upset that SHE is probably there. SHE is filling my spot! SHE is going to be showering him with congratulations tonight and gets to be proud that he is her boyfriend. SHE is probably going to the premier with him tonight and everyone will see them together.

I don't want to be replaced.

I want to be there.
I want to shower him with kisses and congratulations.
I want to be proud because he is MY boyfriend.
I want to sit hand in hand watching the premier.
I want to go home and fall asleep between he and Olly.
I want my life back.

I don't want this one anymore. It hurts too bad.

The worst part....?

I cant get it back.
and even if I did, it wouldn't be the same.
Things are different.
and its never going to be within reach again.


**UPDATE**
I turned my phone on silent and laid down around 11pm because I knew if I stayed up, all I would do was worry and it wasn't going to help anything. 5:47am I wake up after having a nightmare that N was with HER... I randomly check my phone. 5 missed calls. All from N. 11:27pm. 12:07am. 12:08am. 12:08am. 12:27am. He left a message on the last one.

"Hey, its me. I'm like super super drunk right now. I'm really sorry to be drunk dialing you but I just wanted you to know that I am home right now completely by myself. Not hooking up or having sex with anybody. Not with anybody. Just at home, alone, by myself. I did drink a bunch of water so I don't get hung over and go to bed. The video premier went really well. Everyone was cheering the whole time, I think we made a really awesome video. Ill get you a copy of it as soon as I can. Sorry for psycho calling you, I think I called you 6-7x. Um, yeah I hope everything is going well and you are not being bothered by the fact that I'm a big piece of shit. Alright, night Allison."

I called him back- Yes, at 5:50 in the morning - I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep and I knew his drunk butt was passed out in his bed and wouldn't answer. In a way, I hoped that it would wake him up anyways just because I knew he would hate it- (Is that bad? ha) I left a message saying, got your message, glad you're home safe, glad the premier went well, night. I didn't mention the fact that he was drunk, or that he called to let me know that he would not be having sex with anyone that night.. (????) I don't know why I even called him but I did and I cant undo that now.

You would think I'd be pissed that he was drunk YET AGAIN. But I wasn't.... I feel like if that is something he needs to get outta his system- it could be worse. Although I wouldn't have dealt with all this that way, I do go out with my girls every once in a while and grab a drink.... I just don't do it to the extreme that he does. I know that it was HIS night and that I'm sure everyone was buying him drinks since his video was premiering. It says a lot to know that he was already home, alone, at 11:30 pm at night ready to go to bed. In a way, it was nice to wake up to the message because of course, I was not thinking very great possibilities of what he was going to be doing that night with HER. ugh.. It makes my stomach curl just thinking about it. I don't ask about their relationship because I really don't want to know because it would probably upset me. On the other hand, the message made me mad. Of all people, he finds himself drunk calling his ex girlfriend while he is dating someone else. THAT should tell him something. All of what he has done should tell him something. He talked to me every single day for MONTHS after we broke up- not because I called him but because he called me. He sends me flowers on my birthday. Calls ME when he's having a bad day. Calls ME when he is drunk. Like Ive said before, I don't know what the heck he think he is doing right now in his life but he sure does think about me a lot apparently. Ive told him before, that what he does while we are apart will be a big determining factor on whether or not we ever get back together, and I know he knows I am serious. I'm not the kind of girl who will be with some guy who has multiple notches in his belt and spent our time apart making bad decisions and refusing to better himself.

I know that he called to ease my mind. I know that he knows I'm afraid that he will have sex with her eventually. He knew that I would worry TONIGHT of all nights the most since he had had such an awesome time at the contest and premier. OMGOSH... I cant believe I am telling you guys all of this.... he would seriously kill me if he knew about this blog.

UGH why don't I feel a huge sense of relief?! I just don't want him to be with her. I want him to realize that if he is turning to me more than her, that she is just some random girl that is filling his time. I want him to realize that she is not worth ruining a possible future with me over. I am not saying that I am counting on a future together- because at this point I am not, but I also don't want him to do so many stupid things that its impossible for me to forgive him and being with her to a certain extent is one of them. I hate it and I hate that she is already putting him through hell yet he is still with her. UGH.

I want to know how the contest and premier went but I will not call him to ask. Ill let you know if he calls today after his hung-over butt wakes up and realizes that he called me last night (I'm sure he remembers perfectly but ya never know...)

Happy Sunday.