Birthday: Part 4

Friday September 18th

I pack a bag and head home for the weekend to keep Olly and spend some time with my family for my birthday weekend. N had asked me to call him when I got on the road to let him know when Id be there to pick up Olly. We do not usually see one another during the pass off (I dont know if its purposefully or not on his part but its fine by me) since N is usually out on the boat or at school or out of town. So I pick up Olly around 3:30 (No, N was not there) and head home to my parents house.

<Insert Gum Story Here> (click if you have not already read it)

When all of that went down, I immediately called N. 1) because he has a right to know and 2) I wanted his advice. I had JUST talked to him on the phone about 30 minutes earlier as he had called me to check up on Olly (or at least thats what he said) so when I called back and he didnt answer, I was surprised. He had said he was tired and about to go to sleep but it was only 9:30 on a Friday night. I texted him when I got his voicemail saying, "Call me now, its Olly." Of course, he immediately called back.

I explained the situation and asked what he thought I should do. His words, "Allison, Olly is your responsibility this weekend so you are responsible for making decisions regarding his health and wellness." Uh, WHAT?! If something happened to Olly, I would HOPE HE would call ME so I would know what was going on and could help make decisions regarding his health.


He was acting wierd and it and sounded like he was in a car so I asked where he was. He said he was heading out for a bit. I was mad. He had JUST told me he wasnt going out and then didnt answer my call until he realized there was a problem.


I sat there silent (out of anger that is) until he said, "alright well I have to go." I immediately asked, "Why?" because I thought for sure his dog would be more important than whatever else he was getting into.


His response?


"Because in about 20 seconds, Im not going to be able to talk to you."

(meaning that he was going to hang out with HER and of course she doesnt know that he and I still keep in contact OR that I even come get Olly, so he had to get off the phone before he got there. Yeah, I know- A WHOLE 'nother post, for a WHOLE 'nother day)

Im livid at this point. I hang up. Im angry that I ever let myself think that him sending me flowers was some sort of apology for being a freakin jerk the past few months and that he had learned his lesson. Im mad that my dog is with someone who only cares "some of the time" instead of all of the time about whether he is happy and healthy. Nope, N's still as selfish as ever and is more concerned about what he wants to do than about how it is going to affect others.
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After the vet the next morning, I simply texted N to let him know "Olly's blood and Liver tests came back good, precautionary meds just in case." (I knew it was the right thing to do even if he didnt care the night before what was happening).

He calls as Im getting home from the vet and I play the "business" card and I give him the facts, keep it short, and then tell him I'd let him know when I would be dropping Olly off the next day. He seems hurt by it but doesnt say anything so thats what I did.

Sunday:

Olly and I get up and go walk the 2.5 mile loop at the beach before coming home, playing for a bit, and then me trying to pack up without Olly getting too stressed out about the fact that he knew I was going to be leaving soon (He's a very smart and intuitive dog if you cant tell).

N is not at his apartment when I drop Olly off but as Im there (for various reasons I dont even want to go into), I decide that I will no longer keep my mouth shut about what a deuschbag he's being (excuse my language) and Im going to give him a piece of my mind. I fight the tears as I leave Olly and when I get on the road, I send N a text saying, "I just dropped Olly off, I'd like to speak with you later."

He called me 20 minutes later. I knew he was surrounded by people because he was on the river. I refused to speak to him. He got mad, said he was having a shitty day and that if Im gonna lay it on thick to just do it now. I said, No, I would like to speak with you later when you are alone and there will be no interruptions. He's mad but agrees and we hang up.


Halfway through my drive, he calls again, says he's alone, and asks me what I'd like to talk about.


I told him I didnt want him to say a word, that I needed to get everything off my chest and tell him what I think first and then he can say or do whatever he wants in response.


Heres how it went:


"Ive been putting this off for a while because you seem to be having a rough couple of days but Ive decided that I cant not tell you how I feel about all this. I am really angry with you. I've tried really hard to keep myself guarded from being hurt again but with you, obviously that is not possible to do. I dont want you to think that I did not appreciate the flowers and phone calls on my birthday because they were beautiful and they did make my day better. However, I want to know what you were thinking when you did that. You have a girlfriend and you are sending your ex-girlfriend flowers behind her back. On top of that, you said that you were even thinking about driving all the way to my aparmtnet at school to surprise me and I dont understand why you would ever think that was okay to do behind HER back. Im realizing that she doesnt even know that we still speak and that she has no idea that I come home to keep Olly at all.


You are being really unfair to me. Its like you want your cake and you want to eat it too. You dont want me but you want to keep me close enough that no one else can have me either. No other person would be giving you the benefit of the doubt like I am after all you've put me through these 5 months. I have kept my mouth shut about a lot of things because I do not want to rock the boat and not be able to see Olly. You are being selfish by doing the things you are doing and leading me on and saying one thing one day but doing another the next. I am not okay with you stringing me along while you have a girlfriend on the side and I would appreciate it if you would make up your mind and stick with it. If you dont care about hurting me, I want to know so that I can go ahead and prepare for the next 7 months to be even harder than I Imagine now.... until I can come home and see Olly on a more consistant basis.

You keep telling me that you are thinking about giving Olly to me when I graduate but I dont want you to tell me that crap if you dont have any intention of following through with it. You know that I would give anything to have Olly all the time and I dont want to get my hopes up and then have you pull the rug out from under me.

Im just really hurt, I never thought things would turn out this way between us and although I know we are both dealing with this in different ways, Id like to believe that I make decisions based on whether or not they will hurt you. Ultimately, I do things and do not do things on the basis that I would never want ANYONE, including YOU, to feel the hurt that Ive felt through all this. I want to believe that you care about me more than you are acting but its pretty hard sometimes, considering the circumstances."

He immediately apologized about sending the wrong message with the flowers and said he didnt know what he thought when he did it. He wanted to make my birthday happy but he didnt think about the fact that he was doing it behind gf's back and how that would make me feel. He didnt realize that he was stringing me long (yea, right) and that he was sorry and would try not to do that anymore. He said that no, new gf (whom I will call S) does not know that we still speak and that if she did, it would be a huge problem bc she is very jealous of me and would feel extremely threatened if she knew I kept Olly or spoke to N at all.


One of the things that always bothered N while we were dating was the fact that I was a jealous girl and always worried about other girls coming around. Its ironic to me that he is now with a girl that is WAY MORE jealous than I ever was but for some reason he doesnt see the warning signs.

I told him that I felt bad for S (well kinda) because I know how bad it would hurt me if I found out my boyfriend was sending his ex flowers and that I didnt understand why he was with her anyways- I mean, seriously, he never seems happy with the situation and it seems to be so drama filled that I dont see why he wouldnt just give up and move on to something else (no, i do not mean me.) or nothing at all.


The next 2 hours- Yes, 2 HOURS - was filled with him telling me way too much information about their relationship in an attempt to be honest with me and make sure that I knew everything so he "wouldnt be keeping anything from me."

I sat there in my car, even after I pulled into the parking lot, not knowing why I was even still on the phone listening to this crap. Basically, she is an awful person who has done more horrible things to him in the past few months than I ever did, or would EVER DO, during our time together. Shes controlling, and stubborn, and jealous, and moody, and selfish. He told me that at the current moment, she refuses to speak with him because she saw pictures on facebook of N and I from one of our florida trips and it made her mad that he did with her what he had done with me (take a trip to fl?.... dont ask, I dont know- she seems crazy?) Why he is with her, I have no idea but he is and there is nothing I can do or say to change that.


At one point, he said, "I bet after knowing all this, you feel good about the fact that I am getting what I deserve, huh?"


And you know what, for a split second, knowing how awful shes been to him already DID make me feel a little better about it all. I knew at that moment that I would have never done those things to him and if he was not happy with someone that treated him with respect and love, then he does deserve all of this crap. If he is not smart enough to get out of the relationship, then he deserves whatever he allows her to do to him.


On the other hand, I felt a huge sense of sorrow for him. I dont understand WHY he would choose to continue with someone who hurts him so badly all the time but who am I to answer that?!

I dont know. I got off the phone with him and was filled with so many emotions, I just wanted to sit in my shower and cry. I felt bad for me. I felt bad for him.... and I dread even thinking about how hard this year is going to be.


On Monday, I texted him (Business-like again) to make sure he was remembering to give Olly his meds (bc you know guys are dumb and dont ever remember important stuff.) and he replied with a "Yup :)" Well if you knew N, you would know that he NEVER uses smiley faces so I responded, "Is that a smiley face? whats wrong with you?" He replied, "haha just got back from S's house and she said we was over it. Im relieved in a wierd way."

You would have thought I'd be stoked by that text but I was not. I was indifferent. It meant nothing to me. I was not upset. I was not glad. I was nothing. I knew if I let myself believe what he was insinuating, I would probablly be hurt in a matter of days when it was all worked out and "normal" again. so I didnt reply. What would I have said anyways?

So the next day (Tuesday), I get out of a 3 hour lab to a text from him saying,
"did you misinterpret my text last night?"

Me: "what do you mean?"

N: "How did you take it?"

Me: "I took it how it was suppose to be taken but I will not hold stock in the statement considering that things will probably change again soon and then I'll get hurt once again."

N: "Oh... sorry. Have a good day allison..."

Me: "I mean seriously, N, yal are on then ur off then ur on again. If I really believed this was it, then itd be great... but I dont believe that- Im not that lucky."

He didnt respond.

I havent spoken to him since.
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At this point, I feel like just giving up.

Give up trying to knock sense into him.

Give up on believing that he will change.

Give up on the belief that not all people only care about themselves.

Give up believing that every day will get better.

Just give up.



Awful, I know but that is where I am right now.


Although I was not trying to be with N at the moment, the possibility was always in the back of my mind that it could happen in the far far future once we both had the chance to experience life apart and then see what direction we wanted to go. But now, I dont know. The wounds are deeper than ever before and they arent healing fast enough before the next thing comes along and reopens them. I wont stop fighting though, for Olly. I know this year is going to be hard simply because of that reason. I am hoping and praying that N will follow through and that he will let me take Olly when I graduate. At this point, All I want is my dog.

Happy Birthday to Me.