I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight
I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
Come be my hurricane
"Lord, I know that you gave this song to me to help me see... see that this pain and heartache is meant for your good... a good I cannot even try to understand. I have constructed a wall around myself trying to hide from the things I do not understand and can not change. I just needed a safer place to hide. What I didnt know, was that it was not a safer place... it was fear. it was pride. Through my construction, you were pushed aside .
I have always known that these things have happened so that through my destruction, I would be able to see... See that you know far better than I. I am broken and I am still learning.
I have fought you. Pushed you away and beat at your chest as you tried to lead me back to You. But you have never given up on me. When I failed you and turned my back and did things that I knew would not please you, you were still there... waiting patiently for my return... still waiting patiently for my complete surrender. I know you gave this song to me to teach me... so I lay it down- All my fears, hurt, tears, pain. Break me. Build me. Make me yours. and You mine. Lord, I am only yours now. Please... come be my hurricane." Amen.
Hi Allison-
ReplyDeleteYou posted on my blog the other day so I came over and read EVERY SINGLE ONE of your blog posts. I can honestly say that I completely understand and feel exactly what you are going through with N.
In a couple of my recent posts I mentioned Andy, my ex-boyfriend whom I dated for 3.5 while in college. We, too, ended things for a lot of the same reasons that you and N ended things- to experience life, to grow, to find ourselves and what we want out of life. I loved him more than life itself and some days after we separated I was so confused, hurt, angry, thoughtful, and thankful to have him in my life.
A couple of weeks after our separation (you might be too young for this, but do you remember when Ross and Rachel on the TV show Friends were "on a break"? Well, that is what Andy I were on.) he found another girl that he went to high school with and started dating her and continued to date her for 3 years. During this time, we were communicating a lot and we both shed a lot of tears over our so called "separation" because we both loved each other so much, but the timing was not right at that time for us.
For a year after we broke up, I was at the lowest of lows. I missed him, but knew that we couldn't be together. And even after I met my now husband a year after Andy and I broke up, I still thought about him often. There is just something about having a special place in your heart for someone that you never quite let go of, no matter what the circumstances are.
I have always said (until I went through infertility) that having a broken heart is the worst feeling in the world. When I saw Andy at his dear wife's wake, it brought back a lot of memories that I experienced in my life at that time when I was with him- 10 years ago.
I am telling you all of this because I COMPLETLEY understand what you and N are going through. I read your blog as if I was reading my own words 10 years ago.
Even though things may be different between you and N than they ended up with Andy and I, I PROMISE that you will be okay.
They say that time heals all wounds. I don't believe that my broken heart or my infertility scars will ever be healed, but I do believe that they have made me a better person and I have taken so much from these adverse times in my life to move forward in life and to grow. Looking back at your posts, you have gone through so much this past summer and even thought is is extremely hard right now, you are growing and learning and so is N.
If you ever need anything, please let me know. I really do "get it".
Kris