Harder than I thought

You'd think that when someone breaks your heart... hurts you bad enough...you would stop loving them...and missing them....

It doesn't work that way.

I don't know why.

It doesn't matter how bad it was or sometimes got, the good times always seem to outdo the bad.

It doesn't matter if they want it anymore or not, but sometimes they still have your heart.

Sometimes, it's just overwhelming how much I miss all the little things. My stomach drops when I remember them and tears spring to my eyes.... I hate that my heart still longs for these things....

• hearing his laugh
• watching him sleep
• laughing until we cried
• picking out his clothes because he was fashionably challenged
• back rubs before bed
• Curling up to watch a movie on a Friday night while everyone else was going out
• His smell
• Surprising him
  
• Waking up in his arms
• Wrestling together with Olly
• Lazy Saturday mornings
• running my fingers through his hair
• watching him wakeboard
• slow dancing to no music
• kisses on my forehead
• hearing him say "ditto" (I love you) in the most random of times
• Catching him looking at me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

I try to remind myself that these things cant cover up the past 5 months.... that I miss them because they were the good parts... the parts that made us... well "us." The thing is, N become PART of me during those 6.5 years and its not easy to remove a part of you and toss it aside. He is intertwined in my life and right now, still has my heart. I try to tell myself that one day, it wont hurt as bad.... but right now... that just seems so far off and I miss him.

I'm not saying that I want to be back with him. I know that is not going to fix things. He has ripped my heart apart and I quickly remind myself of that when I remember these things. What N and I had was a good thing and I loved being with him but timing was always against us. We were so young when we met and we still had/ have a lot of growing up to do. I know it seems crazy to think that I could still miss all those little things... but I do... and I think I always will. They stop me in my tracks most of the time... remembering... I miss how things were before our world came crashing down.

Thanks for all of your comments. I know that I have a long way to go and that I need to stop worrying about N and start worrying about ONLY myself but that's something that's gonna take time. That's another "harder than I thought." I have always been one to put others before myself. Its just my nature. I have spent a lot of time in prayer asking the Lord to teach me to take care of myself more while still maintaining that selfless attitude in the right places. So... I'm working on it, that's the best I can do.