Mommy or Daddy?!

Ive been putting this post off for what, a week now?! I finally decided to get over my funk of a fear (ha) and go ahead and fill you guys in even though I'm afraid telling someone... ANYONE... will jinx the possibility

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Lets Recap

N has told me on multiple occasions that he believes Olly likes me more than him and that he feels like Olly is my dog and that he is just taking care of him for me. I always reassured him that Olly loves him and that he just gets so excited to see me because I am usually away at school and only get to see him for a few days at a time.... that O is OUR dog, not his... or mine... that we got him together and raised him together.
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When I went to pick Olly up last time, N was there (as you already know)
When I walked in, Olly immediately knocked me to the ground and was licking me to death, pretty much doing back flips because he was so excited to see me.

N just stood back and watched this.

This is not unusual by any means. This is ALWAYS how Olly greets me when I come to get him. Heck, that's how he used to greet me even when I lived there.

Anyways, I had Olly Friday through Tuesday for my fall break. When I dropped him back off at N's on Tuesday, I let him off the leash at the door so he could say hello to N (I figured he missed him after being gone for so long). He immediately ran to N, with his tail wagging, and then turned around and went to his bowl to get something to drink. No crazy excitement, No knocking him on his back, nothing.

I could see the disappointment on N's face. He said, "See, told you. He's YOUR dog. That just proved it."

I obviously tried to come up with excuses saying that he could probably just sense that N was stressed and having a bad day or that he smelled something different or whatever, I don't know. But N wasn't buying it. He told me to just take Olly back to school with me.... UGH I obviously would if I could but I cant because I cant have animals at my apartment.

When I told N that, he responded with, "well he'll be here waiting for you when you move back in May."

THAT made me freak. Yes, I'm glad he seems extremely willing to give me O when I move back but here's the issue....

I am PETRIFIED by what could happen between now and May.

I want Olly to be mine and all mine more than anything in this world. He is my son. My child. and I cant imagine giving him up. Its hard enough to be away from him for weeks while I am at school but to imagine being so close to having him and then not.... Its unimaginable (as i know many of you know)

I know I can risk it and wait until May and then HOPE that N still backs what he has been telling me and lets me have Olly from then on. But I'm afraid he'll change his mind between now and then and I'll lose my opportunity.

My fear has caused my mind to go crazy trying to come up with alternative ideas that will ensure that Olly is mine ASAP instead of 7 months from now.....

Ive gotten the crazy idea that I COULD....

• Find someone to sublease my current apartment from January to July (when my lease ends)
• and then find a place to live for 5 months (that allows dogs) that will not make me sign a lease or will allow me to only sign a 5 month lease
• N would have to STILL be willing to give Olly to me once all this is settled.
  

I'm hoping and praying that I'll come across someone that already lives in a house or who rents a house but has an extra bedroom (or makeshift bedroom) that will allow me to live there and pay rent but only for January through May when I graduate. That way I can take Olly for good in a couple months when N is still vulnerable (hopefully) and then I will already have him before May and avoid the worry of N changing his mind altogether (well not quite, he could still change his mind between now and December 15th but there is less of a chance)

I have told a few friends to keep their ears open about possible sub-leasers and roommates but I'm trying not to get too hopeful. I know that these three things working out is very unlikely. God would have to orchestrate a miracle for it to fall into place. I know He could- I just cant count on that. I have not even mentioned this idea to N because I'm afraid to jump the gun and then it all not work out (which it probably wont)

I don't know what would happen if I wait until May and then N tries to change his mind. It would be horrible and I know I would fight like a crazy woman for her child if it came down to that. Sigh. More on this later- You didn't actually think this is all I had to say about THIS, did you ?! :)

If it comes down to it, at least I know that the mom usually wins in most custody fights, right?! ;)