Yikes!

This was intended to be an automobile commercial to air in Great Britain. However, when they finished shooting the video footage, the editor noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist. The ad never ran on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon. Watch CLOSELY by the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of the car and then, following it along the road...Its Spooky! Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist? You decide.

Oh and PS. Olly is 2 years, 2 months and 2 days old today! Man, I love tickers! :) Happy 2-2-2 Baby Boy!

waiting game

I may have found a solution to my living arrangements. Its not ideal but it will work if everyone agrees. My luck is...it wont. Im waiting to hear back- Ill explain when I know something. Fingers crossed!

its pretty bad...

...when you get to the point where you are not even surprised when a certain person disappoints you.

His words mean nothing now. He has proved that time and time again.

That's why I'm so scared he'll go back on his word about me taking Olly...

I'm tired of having this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach 95% of the day.

Is it Dec 16th yet?...

Exams Stink

I will let you know all about my interesting weekend (surprise surprise) later this week. I definitely had a breakdown moment, gathered myself, and continued moving forward but that's old news since that's kind of a weekly activity for me now. I got NOTHING done at home this weekend and I have an exam tomorrow night and Tuesday night so I'll probablly be MIA for a few days since Im in freak out mode.... Im seriously OVER forever studying and cramming at this point. Ill try to keep up with your blogs in the meantime but may not be able to comment.

PS LOTS OF BLOG BABIES WERE BORN OVER THE WEEKEND! MUST HAVE BEEN A FULL MOON OR SOMETHING- HAHA- CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE NEW MOMMYS! :)

Moving Forward.

I decided not to go to my classes today and drove home last night. I picked up Olly and had a very lengthy and HONEST conversation with N last night and today. We have both decided that neither of us desire to be a couple ever again at this point. He is not the same person and I am now seeing it more clearly. Or maybe I just didnt see it before bc I love him so much. Regardless, I need a clean break and that is not going to happen if we continue passing Olly off every few weeks. I told N I would like to know if he is truly planning to let me have Olly when I graduate. He said yes. I told him Id like to try to find a place in Greensboro that will let me have Olly there so I can take him in December/January instead. He said that was fine (with a very disappointed look in his eyes). I made him shake on it- not that that means anything.... but Im going to move forward with this full force trying to find a place to stay and a sub-leaser. Ive sent out a few emails and looked on Craigslist some.... If I get something solid, I will ask N one last time to make sure he isnt going to change his mind before signing anything... Now its time for lots of prayer.... lots and lots of it.

Won't you join me?

Which is best?

I didn't stress as much about Olly when N and I were together.

I came home to O and N every weekend or every other weekend... but now I don't and I get worried. I trust N. He loves Olly but sometimes his "oh I'll do it tomorrow" is just too much for me to handle. Sometimes his selfishness is unbelievable. Sometimes his irresponsibility is laughable.

For example, you remember the gum incident.... ?? and how N didn't even bother giving him the $100 worth of precautionary meds I paid for (yeah I might have forgotten to tell you guys that one)?? OR remember when I told you that N sometimes waits until 1:30 in the afternoon to feed him because he "just" forgot.... or how he doesnt bring O for long walks everyday anymore because its too cold or he "doesn't have time"... or how he forgets to open the shades so O can look out the window while he is gone all day.... or how he sometimes forgets to fill up his waterbowl... or how he ignores O's whining when he has to go out because he's... sleeping....

I'm not trying to bash N... okay okay I probably gave a few too many examples... but we are just different people... While I am motherly and very aware of things that need to be done and WHEN they need to be done... he is not.

I know that O is low on food... and he cant eat just any food (he has allergies)... and N told me yesterday that he doesn't have enough cash to buy another bag. I offered to pay for it but he doesn't even have the cash to foot until Friday when I can pay him back. I even offered to call the vet and pay for the food over the phone so N could just go pick it up but he says he has enough to last until I can pick it up myself... I KNOW that N wants to provide for Olly but sometimes I just feel like he's not trying hard enough. He needs to get a job so that he wont have to worry about how hes going to pay for his dog's food...

I know that I would make whatever sacrifices I had to in order to make sure that Olly had what he needed and Id like to say that so would N... but he's been proving me wrong lately... Maybe I am just WAY too uptight (okay I know I am) but I also don't think that WAY LAID BACK (N) is the way to go either. I'm not always going to be right. I am not always going to deal with situations in the best way. I am not always going to say and do what I should... but neither is N.

So I guess it comes down to... which is best?

A mother who is probably too structured for anyone's good... but who loves you unconditionally and would do anything for you?

or

A father who is way too laid back and forgets things sometimes... but loves his son more than life itself.

Neither of us are perfect... we have our flaws... but both of us love O. So how do you choose?

The Other Side.

Then the other side comes in....

What if everything works out? What if N REALLY gives Olly to me? What if he is MINE and MINE alone?

A few things come to mind....

• Guilt.... for taking Olly from his father; someone who loves him so much and wants the best for him....
  
• Relief.... that I don't have to wonder each time I drop O off if this will be the last time I ever see him
  
• Stress.... trying to pay rent (bc my rents wont let me live with them long term if I have Olly), handle school, make money (somehow) and still be able to afford dog food, vet bills, and grooming.
• Fear... that N and I will never talk if I am Olly's sole owner.... that N will resent me for taking his son... that N will regret this one day and want Olly back
  

I'm just afraid of making the wrong decision.

I want the best for this little guy...

but I want him. I love him more than I ever thought I would. He makes horrible days better. I love how he freaks out when I come home. I love how he wants to sleep right up next to me no matter how big or small the bed is. I love how he follows me around. I love how he cries when he cant find me. I love his little face. I just love having him with me...

...but what If I'm thinking about ME too much? What if I'm being selfish? What then?...

Mommy or Daddy?!

Ive been putting this post off for what, a week now?! I finally decided to get over my funk of a fear (ha) and go ahead and fill you guys in even though I'm afraid telling someone... ANYONE... will jinx the possibility

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Lets Recap

N has told me on multiple occasions that he believes Olly likes me more than him and that he feels like Olly is my dog and that he is just taking care of him for me. I always reassured him that Olly loves him and that he just gets so excited to see me because I am usually away at school and only get to see him for a few days at a time.... that O is OUR dog, not his... or mine... that we got him together and raised him together.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When I went to pick Olly up last time, N was there (as you already know)
When I walked in, Olly immediately knocked me to the ground and was licking me to death, pretty much doing back flips because he was so excited to see me.

N just stood back and watched this.

This is not unusual by any means. This is ALWAYS how Olly greets me when I come to get him. Heck, that's how he used to greet me even when I lived there.

Anyways, I had Olly Friday through Tuesday for my fall break. When I dropped him back off at N's on Tuesday, I let him off the leash at the door so he could say hello to N (I figured he missed him after being gone for so long). He immediately ran to N, with his tail wagging, and then turned around and went to his bowl to get something to drink. No crazy excitement, No knocking him on his back, nothing.

I could see the disappointment on N's face. He said, "See, told you. He's YOUR dog. That just proved it."

I obviously tried to come up with excuses saying that he could probably just sense that N was stressed and having a bad day or that he smelled something different or whatever, I don't know. But N wasn't buying it. He told me to just take Olly back to school with me.... UGH I obviously would if I could but I cant because I cant have animals at my apartment.

When I told N that, he responded with, "well he'll be here waiting for you when you move back in May."

THAT made me freak. Yes, I'm glad he seems extremely willing to give me O when I move back but here's the issue....

I am PETRIFIED by what could happen between now and May.

I want Olly to be mine and all mine more than anything in this world. He is my son. My child. and I cant imagine giving him up. Its hard enough to be away from him for weeks while I am at school but to imagine being so close to having him and then not.... Its unimaginable (as i know many of you know)

I know I can risk it and wait until May and then HOPE that N still backs what he has been telling me and lets me have Olly from then on. But I'm afraid he'll change his mind between now and then and I'll lose my opportunity.

My fear has caused my mind to go crazy trying to come up with alternative ideas that will ensure that Olly is mine ASAP instead of 7 months from now.....

Ive gotten the crazy idea that I COULD....

• Find someone to sublease my current apartment from January to July (when my lease ends)
• and then find a place to live for 5 months (that allows dogs) that will not make me sign a lease or will allow me to only sign a 5 month lease
• N would have to STILL be willing to give Olly to me once all this is settled.
  

I'm hoping and praying that I'll come across someone that already lives in a house or who rents a house but has an extra bedroom (or makeshift bedroom) that will allow me to live there and pay rent but only for January through May when I graduate. That way I can take Olly for good in a couple months when N is still vulnerable (hopefully) and then I will already have him before May and avoid the worry of N changing his mind altogether (well not quite, he could still change his mind between now and December 15th but there is less of a chance)

I have told a few friends to keep their ears open about possible sub-leasers and roommates but I'm trying not to get too hopeful. I know that these three things working out is very unlikely. God would have to orchestrate a miracle for it to fall into place. I know He could- I just cant count on that. I have not even mentioned this idea to N because I'm afraid to jump the gun and then it all not work out (which it probably wont)

I don't know what would happen if I wait until May and then N tries to change his mind. It would be horrible and I know I would fight like a crazy woman for her child if it came down to that. Sigh. More on this later- You didn't actually think this is all I had to say about THIS, did you ?! :)

If it comes down to it, at least I know that the mom usually wins in most custody fights, right?! ;)

I sure hope...

....that no one who knows me in real life ever finds this blog.

Seriously.

I just realized how "out there" Ive made myself to the blog world and Im pretty sure a lot of people would be really mad that I have discussed their inclusion in my life to total strangers (well strangers to them anyways)

Im pretty sure N would KILL me if he knew I was putting all our dirty laundry out for the {blog} world to see. Yep. He would. Im almost positive.

Ive never felt like this was a big risk.

Ya know, someone that you know randomly coming across your blog by accident out of the 3098209409739074 million that are out there - pretty unlikely but I guess anything is possible.

I have never posted this url anywhere so I dont see how it could be found anyways. I dont know why I am thinking about this now but it just occurred to me that I'm playing with fire if you really think about it. :)

No worries all of my... 5 readers! :) This doesn't mean that I'm going private or anything. Just something that popped in my mind today while I SHOULD have been studying before work!

What do YOU guys think? I know many of you are secretive about real names and where you live but I wanted to hear your thoughts :)

Post about Ollydog's future coming next.

BRRRRRRRRRR!!

It was only 45 degrees this morning as I walked to class. I seriously considered turning around and getting right back into my warm bed. Talk about the wrong environment for a beach girl! Brrrrr! :)

Go light your world.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberence Day.

Please join me tonight at 7pm to celebrate these lives by lighting a candle in remembrance of them.

Help me light our world for one hour.

Fall Break

FRIDAY
I spent the beginning of my drive mentally preparing myself to possibly see N when I went to pick Olly up. When I got out of my haze enough to really look ahead of me... This is what I saw....

These photos don't do it justice but you get the idea.
It was absolutely gorgeous!

I decided right then and there that I would not let N control my weekend (yeah we'll see how that turned out). I was gonna get my dog, see my family, watch lots of discovery health channel (because I don't have it at school), and enjoy the weekend. I took that beautiful site as God's little reminder for me to LIVE my life. He never ceases to amaze me.

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I Picked up Olly at 130 (ugh N hadn't even fed him yet- we wont even get into that) I could tell N was stressed and hadn't showered yet that day but I said nothing until he locked the door behind me like he was worried someone would show up. He said his buddy, Clay was supposed to come over at 2 but is obsessive compulsive about being early so he was nervous that he'd show up early. okay okay whatever. Small talk, pack up O's stuff and off I went. Pulled out of the parking lot just in time to see Clay pull in. Mini freak out session considering that no one is supposed to know that I take Olly other than N's roommate and family. (I'm not even fighting that fight anymore- as long as I get to see my dog, I don't care how it happens on his end. If he chooses to build up a wall of lies with his friends, that's his business.) I call N as I'm leaving to tell him that he may have to explain things to Clay (which would be BAD because Clay dates N's gf's best friend) Luckily he didn't even notice me as he was pulling in and so all was good

Oh the things Ill do to see my dog!!!!

I carried on with the day relaxing, showering smothering Olly with Love, and catching up with the family. I called it a night around 1030 and turned my phone on silent to avoid getting woken up. Apparently that never seems to be a good idea after the fact because it seems like EVERY SINGLE TIME I do that, N calls me at weird hours in the middle of the night and I miss them
That's exactly what happened- N called 1130pm (to check on Olly) and then again at 3:30 am.

SATURDAY
I got the calls at 5:00 am when I got up to use the restroom and called him back to make sure nothing was wrong. He answered????!!!!!! This was weird considering how early it was but he said he'd call me in the morning to talk to me, HE just wanted to make sure everything was okay with me. I really didn't think Id be able to sleep after that one but I did and spoke with him in the morning when he said he called at 3:30 am to tell me that SHE had broken up with him AGAIN (GOD this girl is so wrapped up in drama that she CREATES it if there isn't enough). Well, You know me-I knew there was no reason to believe it since it would be resolved probably within the day or week or whatever (I was right) so I listened to what he had to say and then got off the phone.

I spent the day shopping with my mom and spent WAY TO MUCH money :) but it was all cute so heck, you only live once right?! I got some good dressy pieces for future interviews and possible doctors office internships, etc. So overall, it was a great day.

Then it all started...

N texted me around 9pm to tell me he was in the beginning stages of getting drunk and wanted to let me know if he ended up calling me later out of pure drunkenness. I asked him what he was doing with his life and why he felt like getting drunk that night would make him feel better about the life he is living. He said he didn't have anything else to do and that he didn't care what he did anymore because he couldn't make himself happy anymore so who cared. I told him only he could decide and that if he wanted to leave, I would pick him up and bring him home. I gave him a way out, I didn't think he would really take it. He did, 11:30pm he texted to see if i was awake and would pick him up from one of the bars at the beach. Said he'd been left by everyone once they got drunk and had been sitting by himself in a booth for the past 30 min. I put on some clothes, gathered Olly and headed out. Brought him back to his apartment where he promptly began telling me that he didn't know what he would do without me and that he messed everything up and that he didn't know why he was doing this. He knew he was hurting me but for some reason he just kept doing it. I just stayed silent through the whole thing. He puked his brains out on and off for a half hour while I rubbed his back and put a wet wash cloth on his neck and head.

I don't even feel like getting into the rest of the night. He was WAY drunk and was saying things I knew he would never say if he were sober but were probably what he WANTED to say while he was sober but didn't. When I finally got him settled, I went to leave and realized that I could hear his roommate out in the living room. WOW. THAT was going to be awkward walking out of Ns room at 3am. Luckily roommate and our other friend were HAMMERED drunk and were completely confused as to why I was at their house- HAHA. I told them that I picked N up from the bar and brought him home and then he started puking and now hes asleep. They didn't seem to care at all (obviously. they were drunk) and after attempting to make sense of what they were saying for a few minutes, I said bye and headed home to throw myself onto my bed and SLEEP.

SUNDAY
I slept through church because I was exhausted. I know, I'm awful but I just couldn't drag my butt outta bed in time. I hung out with Olly all day and then walked the loop at the beach with my friend, Johnny who may be heading the IHOP (International House of Prayer) in January. Of course, because of the unlucky person I am- a flag football game was going on at one of the fields by the loop and of course, the players were some of N's friends (well I guess mine too- but I don't really get to see them anymore now). I was worried they would see me walk by with 1) Olly and 2) another guy. The Olly thing was more of a concern because I don't know who knows that I take Olly on the weekends that I come home- the whole other guy thing wasn't a big deal to me- I almost WANTED someone to see me and tell N they saw me with another guy so he would feel HALF of what I feel when I think of him with HER.

I didn't hear from N Sunday and I was mad. He should have been calling me to thank me for picking his drunk a** up and taking care of him even though he didn't deserve it.

MONDAY
Babysat for the morning (Olly came along and was SO GOOD with the little girl :) I was so proud of him!

Met up with an old friend and her baby boy, Cohen, at Barnes & Noble and I absolutely fell in love with Cohen. That was the first time I had met him in person ( since they lived in Wisconson for the past couple of years working with a christian camp) I helped name him :) so he is already my little buddy!

I finally called N to yell at him that afternoon for being so dang selfish ALL THE FREAKIN TIME and the moment he said hello, he immediately apologized for not calling and said he wasn't alone at all the whole day before (some of his guy friends were in town visiting) and that he didn't want to try to talk to me while people were around. . I realized immediately that he didn't not call me because he wasn't grateful... he didn't call because he was embarrassed.

I wanted to cry. How the heck did our lives turn out like this? Me- picking up my drunk Ex only to hear how much he missed me and knew he was screwing up his life but knowing I had to walk away and keep moving forward. Now don't think I regret picking him up because I don't. I did what I knew was right and it made me more comfortable knowing he was home safe than wondering what the heck he was doing out drunk on a Saturday night.

TUESDAY
Slept in, packed up my clothes, loaded the car, played with Olly, and headed to N's around lunch to drop Olly off. N and I once again spoke about me taking Olly after graduation (this will be my next post) and then I headed out. I cried the whole first hour on the way back to school. Yes, it takes me 3 hours so that gave me 2 hours to gather myself and get my head back on straight. The bad thing about having a 3 hour drive is that it give you WAY TO MUCH TIME to think... so I decided to pray instead... I was frustrated and overwhelmed, and worried, and scared that things wouldn't fall into place for me. Whew, I was exhausted by the time I got back. Took a shower, established plans with Collier, went to the movie, caught up on blogs :) , and then went to bed.

And that in a nutshell (haha) was my fall break :)

Here are a few pics from the week!

For some reason he loves resting his head on the chair rack :)

You'd think he NEVER gets to play with Tennis balls :) He LOVES them!

How is it that vacations always create the need for ANOTHER vacation???!!!

and PS. RB, I just noticed that I've lost one of my followers! I didnt think it would bother me, but you are right- its no fun!!! Seeing 10 instead of 11 just stinks! haha The bad thing is... since I dont have very many, Im pretty sure I know who it was. Bummer- I guess Im not interesting enough for some! :) I now get you completely in your post!! haha

Umm... was that a date?

So I think I may have just gone on my first date since N....

Know that I did not go into this thinking it was a date but I definately just walked out wondering if HE thought it was a date. Oh whoa. I hope I didnt just dig myself a hole and then bury myself in it.

Long story short.

Collier (guy from work- his first name is Josh but I never call him that)
always nice
always respectful
Seems like a cool guy
Cute (in a completely different way than N)

Over time, he definately gained some strikes against him though:
Frat boy
Occasional Swearer
Drinks like a normal college frat boy

ANYWAYS
I was working one night and he said he was going to see Inglorious Bastards when he got off
I said I was jealous because I was working and I wanted to see that movie

Next day at work, I asked him how the movie was
he said awesome
I said, Aw man, shut up- I really wanna see it.

He says, it was so good- that he would definately
go see it again if I wanted to see it

I said yeah sure not really thinking he would ever ask

Well its been like a month since that conversation
I knew I would never bring up going
so it would have been up to him to make the plans

Jump forward.

I had to call into work today to put in my schedule for next week
and lo and behold, Collier is the one who answers

He texts me when he gets off asking me if Im busy tonight (???)
I say no, Im a dork, and Im just catching up on schoolwork

then he asks me if I wana go
to the movie tonight
Uh... well its been a month
but sure haha

Lets just say... I WAS FREAKING OUT!!! I didn't agree to go thinking that it was a date and then started stressing when I realized that HE might think it was a date. Then I maybe kinda sorta...okay definately called my friend Brooke to try to convince her that she and her boyfriend should go see the same movie and just HAPPEN to see us and invite us to sit with them just so I wouldnt be alone with him... yeah didnt work--- but I tried....

I couldnt figure out what to wear. I didnt want to look BAD but I didnt want to be too "ready" either. I didnt want to wear anything low cut because Its hard to cover myself no matter what I wear unless it comes up to my neck. I definately did not want him to think I was trying to look good for him (haha is that bad?) So I wore this...


(Yes, I took a picture so I could make sure I was appropriate via you guys :)

30 minutes until he comes to pick me up...
I start hyperventilating (okay maybe not really but I was wayyy nervous) because I was scared that we would be the only people in the whole theater since it was a Tuesday night and the movie had been out for almost forever in the theaters. I was also PETRIFIED he would try to hold my hand or kiss me or something like that.

____________________________

Well....
We WERE the only people in the entire theater
The movie wasnt all it was cracked up to be
He tried to pay for my ticket
but I refused (HAHAHAHAHA)
(Hows that for making a statement?)
Im pretty sure he could tell I was sitting
as far away from him in my seat as I could- ha.
But overall, it went fine.
He didnt try anything
and I am SO glad.

But... I still cant help feeling guilty.
I almost feel like Ive done something wrong
and that I am supposed to call N and confess

Then I remind myself that I dont have to
because he has already moved on in a way
and Im allowed to move on.

But its still weird.
I miss N.
I unpacked my winter clothes today and
they smelled like him.
It hurt.

Reason for this post?
Im trying to take steps forward
Even if I almost give myself a
heart attack doing so.

Man, I love him :)

Ignore me during this entire video... I sound really dumb but its cute of baby boy so I wanted to post it (and I still haven't finished my fall break post bc I need a vacation from my vacation so this is to tide you over) :)

Hes so spoiled :)

Kreativ Blogger Award

Thanks JESS for giving me this awesome Award! You are such an inspiration to me and I am happy to be able to pass this one along to some other kreativ bloggers!


Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

HERE WE GO!!!

7 things you may not know about me:

1. I LOVE CAROLINA BASKETBALL! GO HEELS!
2. My feet have shrunk from a size 9 to a size 7-7.5 in the last 4 years. (?????)
   
3. I originally wanted to be a Social Worker. Then I realized I would probably get arrested for taking it upon myself to take children out of unsafe homes with unfit guardians without going through the legal requirements :) The law takes too long and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. So yeah, probably not a good fit for me unless I want to go to jail :)
   
4. I don't like scary movies AT ALL. I seriously cower with my hands covering my eyes the whole time and then get scared going places in the dark for DAYS afterward... haha yeah...
5. I have traveled to Kenya
6. My mom is my best friend
7. I never thought anyone would ever read my blog. I started it to journal through this whole thing with N and nothing more. Its been a pleasant surprise and an unexpected blessing.
   

I nominate:

1. Baby Mac...Where are you?
2. The Nut House
3. Joyous Journeys
4. Chad, Nikki, Clayton, and Johanna
5. Looking for Another Angel
6. Life and Adoption!
7. The Making of M.O.M. (Marvelous, Ordinary, Miracles)

There are SO MANY more that I would love to award but I'm limited to 7 :(

I love each and every one of you!

Tortellini with Basil Pesto

+

=

Yum. Yum. Yum

yeah yeah you caught me, Im trying to stall before my next post. :) I forgot my camera cord at school and I have tons to say already that I need time to process it in my brain before I put it down in words. Update coming soon, promise!

Busy week

Its been a very busy week. I had exams Tuesday, Thursday, assignments all around, and a quiz tomorrow. Im burned out. ugh. and still not ready for the quiz tomorrow (Yes, I know its 12:21 am) Heading home tomorrow for fall break to take Ollydog until Tuesday. Cant wait. I miss the little guy :)

Harder than I thought

You'd think that when someone breaks your heart... hurts you bad enough...you would stop loving them...and missing them....

It doesn't work that way.

I don't know why.

It doesn't matter how bad it was or sometimes got, the good times always seem to outdo the bad.

It doesn't matter if they want it anymore or not, but sometimes they still have your heart.

Sometimes, it's just overwhelming how much I miss all the little things. My stomach drops when I remember them and tears spring to my eyes.... I hate that my heart still longs for these things....

• hearing his laugh
• watching him sleep
• laughing until we cried
• picking out his clothes because he was fashionably challenged
• back rubs before bed
• Curling up to watch a movie on a Friday night while everyone else was going out
• His smell
• Surprising him
  
• Waking up in his arms
• Wrestling together with Olly
• Lazy Saturday mornings
• running my fingers through his hair
• watching him wakeboard
• slow dancing to no music
• kisses on my forehead
• hearing him say "ditto" (I love you) in the most random of times
• Catching him looking at me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

I try to remind myself that these things cant cover up the past 5 months.... that I miss them because they were the good parts... the parts that made us... well "us." The thing is, N become PART of me during those 6.5 years and its not easy to remove a part of you and toss it aside. He is intertwined in my life and right now, still has my heart. I try to tell myself that one day, it wont hurt as bad.... but right now... that just seems so far off and I miss him.

I'm not saying that I want to be back with him. I know that is not going to fix things. He has ripped my heart apart and I quickly remind myself of that when I remember these things. What N and I had was a good thing and I loved being with him but timing was always against us. We were so young when we met and we still had/ have a lot of growing up to do. I know it seems crazy to think that I could still miss all those little things... but I do... and I think I always will. They stop me in my tracks most of the time... remembering... I miss how things were before our world came crashing down.

Thanks for all of your comments. I know that I have a long way to go and that I need to stop worrying about N and start worrying about ONLY myself but that's something that's gonna take time. That's another "harder than I thought." I have always been one to put others before myself. Its just my nature. I have spent a lot of time in prayer asking the Lord to teach me to take care of myself more while still maintaining that selfless attitude in the right places. So... I'm working on it, that's the best I can do.

Who's there?

So Im sure I just lost half of my maybe 4 readers because I talked about sex in my last post but hey, its my blog and I needed to get things off of my chest.

Seriously, when I found out that he won and wanted to just sit down and sob... All I could think about was how I needed to keep it together until I could get home and blog about how I was feeling... I need you guys- Im realizing that. This community we have is far more than just some people who comment on each others' ramblings. I depend on your input more that I ever thought I would. So I DO hope that I didnt lose any readers because of my honesty.

I have noticed that some of you have gone through similar situations before you got married and you have NO IDEA how much better it makes me feel to know that SOMEONE... ANYONE....! has survived crap like this and that it was hard for them too. Your comments and stories telling me about your experiences is like hope in the form of comments. Its a way for me to know that this WILL get better even though sometimes it feels like it wont. EVER.

So Im curious... Who theres? Whos out there listening to my ramblings... ???

I know I have 11 followers but Im pretty sure only 2 or 3 or them actually stuck around. ha!

PS. He did call Sunday. SHE ruined the premier night by trying to make it about her instead of letting it be about him. Surprise Surprise. I hate her and he is so stupid.

He won. **UPDATE**

Original Post (10/3/09, 10:13pm):

There is an annual festival in my home town- one that I always go to. There is a street fair, dancing, concerts, contests, and fun kid stuff. There is always a wakeboard contest and we would always spend the entire day there. This is the first year I didn't go.... for obvious reasons. I couldn't bear to be back home and know that the contest was going on and I wasn't there.

As I said here, N's wakeboard video premiered tonight at 9pm. I knew that it would be a bad idea to go so that is why I asked to work and decided to volunteer at the race today. That way I couldn't change my mind.

I texted N this morning to wish him luck at the contest because Ive never not been there. He never answered. I decided to be better than that and texted him again tonight around 8:30 (as I knew the premier was at 9pm) and just said, "I hope the premier goes well tonight and you rode well today."

He texted me back immediately.
He won his division.
He hasn't done that in years.
He doesn't compete well.
Always chokes up and doesn't throw
what I know he can.

I always used to wonder
whether I was the reason
he didn't do well.
That he was stressed because
I was there watching him.
Seems that it was true.
The first year I'm not there.
He wins.

When I got the text,
I wanted to cry.
I couldn't help it.
I was crushed.
I refrained even though
it was hard
because I was at work
with a bunch of guys
who would have freaked out
and not known what to do.

I'm really upset. As I type this, I'm fighting back the tears. I really wanted to be there. I love watching N wakeboard- it is his passion and I have always been so supportive of that. I am so proud of him and what he has accomplished so far. I am the girl who stands on the shore grinning ear to ear as he competes because that is MY boyfriend out there that everyone is cheering for.

I feel like I'm missing out. Our life together is going on still, just I'm not in it.

that sucks.
Big. Time.

I'm upset that SHE is probably there. SHE is filling my spot! SHE is going to be showering him with congratulations tonight and gets to be proud that he is her boyfriend. SHE is probably going to the premier with him tonight and everyone will see them together.

I don't want to be replaced.

I want to be there.
I want to shower him with kisses and congratulations.
I want to be proud because he is MY boyfriend.
I want to sit hand in hand watching the premier.
I want to go home and fall asleep between he and Olly.
I want my life back.

I don't want this one anymore. It hurts too bad.

The worst part....?

I cant get it back.
and even if I did, it wouldn't be the same.
Things are different.
and its never going to be within reach again.


**UPDATE**
I turned my phone on silent and laid down around 11pm because I knew if I stayed up, all I would do was worry and it wasn't going to help anything. 5:47am I wake up after having a nightmare that N was with HER... I randomly check my phone. 5 missed calls. All from N. 11:27pm. 12:07am. 12:08am. 12:08am. 12:27am. He left a message on the last one.

"Hey, its me. I'm like super super drunk right now. I'm really sorry to be drunk dialing you but I just wanted you to know that I am home right now completely by myself. Not hooking up or having sex with anybody. Not with anybody. Just at home, alone, by myself. I did drink a bunch of water so I don't get hung over and go to bed. The video premier went really well. Everyone was cheering the whole time, I think we made a really awesome video. Ill get you a copy of it as soon as I can. Sorry for psycho calling you, I think I called you 6-7x. Um, yeah I hope everything is going well and you are not being bothered by the fact that I'm a big piece of shit. Alright, night Allison."

I called him back- Yes, at 5:50 in the morning - I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep and I knew his drunk butt was passed out in his bed and wouldn't answer. In a way, I hoped that it would wake him up anyways just because I knew he would hate it- (Is that bad? ha) I left a message saying, got your message, glad you're home safe, glad the premier went well, night. I didn't mention the fact that he was drunk, or that he called to let me know that he would not be having sex with anyone that night.. (????) I don't know why I even called him but I did and I cant undo that now.

You would think I'd be pissed that he was drunk YET AGAIN. But I wasn't.... I feel like if that is something he needs to get outta his system- it could be worse. Although I wouldn't have dealt with all this that way, I do go out with my girls every once in a while and grab a drink.... I just don't do it to the extreme that he does. I know that it was HIS night and that I'm sure everyone was buying him drinks since his video was premiering. It says a lot to know that he was already home, alone, at 11:30 pm at night ready to go to bed. In a way, it was nice to wake up to the message because of course, I was not thinking very great possibilities of what he was going to be doing that night with HER. ugh.. It makes my stomach curl just thinking about it. I don't ask about their relationship because I really don't want to know because it would probably upset me. On the other hand, the message made me mad. Of all people, he finds himself drunk calling his ex girlfriend while he is dating someone else. THAT should tell him something. All of what he has done should tell him something. He talked to me every single day for MONTHS after we broke up- not because I called him but because he called me. He sends me flowers on my birthday. Calls ME when he's having a bad day. Calls ME when he is drunk. Like Ive said before, I don't know what the heck he think he is doing right now in his life but he sure does think about me a lot apparently. Ive told him before, that what he does while we are apart will be a big determining factor on whether or not we ever get back together, and I know he knows I am serious. I'm not the kind of girl who will be with some guy who has multiple notches in his belt and spent our time apart making bad decisions and refusing to better himself.

I know that he called to ease my mind. I know that he knows I'm afraid that he will have sex with her eventually. He knew that I would worry TONIGHT of all nights the most since he had had such an awesome time at the contest and premier. OMGOSH... I cant believe I am telling you guys all of this.... he would seriously kill me if he knew about this blog.

UGH why don't I feel a huge sense of relief?! I just don't want him to be with her. I want him to realize that if he is turning to me more than her, that she is just some random girl that is filling his time. I want him to realize that she is not worth ruining a possible future with me over. I am not saying that I am counting on a future together- because at this point I am not, but I also don't want him to do so many stupid things that its impossible for me to forgive him and being with her to a certain extent is one of them. I hate it and I hate that she is already putting him through hell yet he is still with her. UGH.

I want to know how the contest and premier went but I will not call him to ask. Ill let you know if he calls today after his hung-over butt wakes up and realizes that he called me last night (I'm sure he remembers perfectly but ya never know...)

Happy Sunday.

Jimmy Needham - Hurricane

If you have a minute, I ask that you close your eyes and listen to this song all the way through. I pray that God will open up your heart to hear the words that we all so badly need to understand.

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now

I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord

Come be my hurricane

"Lord, I know that you gave this song to me to help me see... see that this pain and heartache is meant for your good... a good I cannot even try to understand. I have constructed a wall around myself trying to hide from the things I do not understand and can not change. I just needed a safer place to hide. What I didnt know, was that it was not a safer place... it was fear. it was pride. Through my construction, you were pushed aside .

I have always known that these things have happened so that through my destruction, I would be able to see... See that you know far better than I. I am broken and I am still learning.

I have fought you. Pushed you away and beat at your chest as you tried to lead me back to You. But you have never given up on me. When I failed you and turned my back and did things that I knew would not please you, you were still there... waiting patiently for my return... still waiting patiently for my complete surrender. I know you gave this song to me to teach me... so I lay it down- All my fears, hurt, tears, pain. Break me. Build me. Make me yours. and You mine. Lord, I am only yours now. Please... come be my hurricane." Amen.

You woulda thought...

that my roomate MUST NOT have heard me talk ALL week about how excited I was about how all of my favorite shows are coming on ABC tonight......

Why would you have thought this, do you ask?!

OH! well, maybe, because she decided that TONIGHT of all nights SHE wanted to watch the WV vs CO game in the living room even though she does not like either team.... and has her own gigantic TV in her room that she could watch it on just fine.....

yeah....

So here I sit, in my room trying to watch my shows on a teeny tiny TV while there is a perfectly BIG tv in the living room that I could be using instead....

I am going to smile anyways though :) and enjoy 3 full hours of some awesome shows on ABC and try to forget that my roomate is beginning to show signs that her habitual selfishness has not been corrected as I had previously thought.....ahem.. yeah thats what Im gonna do.

8pm: Flash Forward (NEW!!)
9pm: Grey's Anatomy
10pm: Private Practice


Smiling anyways :)

I might not do it the same but I'd do it all again.

I completely forgot to post about this back when it happened and I just found this in my draft box so I figured I would go ahead and let you all see it- haha. Ya know, just to make sure you guys are on top of it all

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Eric Church is an awesome country singer right out of the mountains of North Carolina. If you like country and enjoy someone singing about real stuff, he may just be your man. :)

My status a while back was, "Allison might not do it the same but she'd do it all again." (this is in reference to one of Church's songs- duh! haha)

Seriously, it didn't even take 5 minutes following the post before this conversation occurred through text:

N: is that directed towards me? Meaning you wouldn't date me if you could do it all again?

A: No, it means I would date you all over again but that I would do things differently if I could. I will never regret spending those 6.5 years with you, you know that.

N:What would you do different?

A: Lots of stuff. Stuff that I thought mattered so much then really doesn't matter when I think about it now n vice versa. U live, u learn, I guess. Sorry I was so tough to be with sometimes.

N: Never apologize to me... you were a great girlfriend and I know I will live to regret all this honestly

Well okay then... thanks for the heads up.... I think???