Convo with N and Heart Talk

(Sorry Jess, I know you hate the long ones, but sometimes when I start writing, I just cant stop until all my thoughts are out! :) I understand if you guys dont want to take the time to read this- This blog is really just a journal of my life right now- I want to be able to look back and see how far I have come later on (HOPEFULLY!) But I would love everyones input if you all feel led to do so!)

So as many of you can tell, the other day was not an easy day for me. Im stressing about school and my roomate is stressing me out even though things have been going great so far and to top it all off, N sent me a message around 4pm on facebook (of which he NEVER does) that said, "F*** my life." ??? I was confused but just asked, "what happened" and left it at that. Later, he texted me while I was trying to study, due to my facebook status that could have, maybe, asked someone to shoot me because I was over it all- ha. It went something like this.

N: what are you over?
A: Life.
N: Whats wrong?
A: Everything.
N: Specifics please.
A: Dont worry about it.
N: Please, I want to hear it.
A: Just the usual. Everything going wrong. Im too emotionally exhausted to deal with it anymore. Hows Baby Boy?
N: Can I help? He's sick then good then sick then good. He dumped on Ronnie's* bed haha
A: The fact that he pooped on Ronnie's bed just helped a little. Ha. He needs to see the Vet again.
N: May I call you? Or would you rather not? I understand if you dont.
A: Thats fine.

*ronnie is N's roomate.

I know you love how I kept it short and then immediately changed the subject to Olly. That always seems to work.... well until he asks for permission to call me- then it was all negated I guess.

The conversation was fine. He let out a huge sigh when I answered the phone so of course I said what?! and He said, "its just really good to hear your voice." I had heard through the grapevine that he and new girlfriend were not really together but just on a "trial" basis. whatever that means. Anyways that has nothing to do with this post- just something I thought I would put out there for you. Conversation was normal- yet awkward because I was trying to make sure that I didnt get too comfortable and just talk normal since things arent normal (that is hard because he makes me really comfortable). I had no desired outcome for the conversation and it pretty much covered the fact that N is screwing his life right now and is really not doing well. I completely avoided the whole girlfriend subject because honestly, I dont want to know. I care about what is going on in his life because I care about him but I dont need to know EVERYTHING- so whether what I heard is true or not, I dont know and I dont need to know. Basically N has dropped half of his classes at school because he has not been going to them. He spent the day drinking ALONE today (of which he has NEVER done). He has only drank enough to get buzzed 2x in his whole life and its just not his nature to drink (one of the reasons we got along so well- we both never had the desire to drink). He pretty much told me that he is really unhappy with where his life if going and regrets a lot of what he has done over the past few years. Of course, my response was uh, thanks because the statement really made it seem like he was referring to me. He clarified by saying that I am NOT one of those regrets but that he does regret how he treated me and how awful things ended up. Basically summed up that he knew he was a piece of sh** and that he was sorry. Umm... I reminded him that he is the only one who can control what kind of person he is- whether good or bad.

I know many of you could give me a good lecture on even speaking to him after all that has gone on but you dont need to- Im still struggling with whether that was a good move but I do believe that I am continuing to be supportive in my usual way. No, speaking with him tonight does not, in any way, make me want to be with him again and yes, I am glad I was able to touch base with him. Does his lifestyle still hurt me? Absolutely and I dont even know all of what that entails but
I refuse to give up on him as a person and if me talking to him once every couple of weeks, that is fine by me if it helps him. I know that this is a big time in his life because he is finding himself (without me) and it is needed.


Its a tough situation. Hearing the things that he is doing and regretting makes me know that this was the right move for us. I kept him grounded and prevented him from doing unusual things because of the accountability we placed on one another without even saying a word. When we met, neither of us drank (by choice) and both of us were honest people who cared about others way more than many of them deserved. I now see that with me gone, he is having a hard to keeping those values. I dont know if he is experiencing these things and then will go back to his normal self or if he is experiencing these things and will decide to maintain his new new lifestyle (god i hope not). Other than being hurt, I am not at all angry that he is going through this stage. I feel that it is a needed part of our separation/breakup. He needs to find his footing without me pre-setting it and then stand back on his own two feet with values he has built alone instead of values that I have had stock in.

I know he is going to make mistakes. He already has. But I want him to learn from these mistakes and be his own person so that in the end- he is who he chooses to be instead of who he was because he was with me. I never once told N not to drink or party or whatever when we were together- it was just a decision that we made silently with each other when everyone else decided that was how they were going to spend their weekend- we always decided together to call it a night- watch a movie and hit the hay.

I love him for who he is- flaws and all. And although I wish he could skip this step in life- the trial and error of being a young adult- I know he cant and that he needs to experience this to feel that he has moved forward and established who he is.

He said again that he is thinking he will give Olly to me when i graduate but i dont want to get my hopes up and then it not happen. Ill worry about that when I get to it.

Its wierd that I am still hurting, yet feeling more peaceful about the situation, yet upset that we arent together anymore, yet excited for the future. I love him and if the Lord sees it fit to work in him over the next few years into the man I am supposed to marry- then so be it. but if not- I want that to be completely clear to me and I want to feel peace about that situation. Right now, I know that he is not who I need to be with and it sucks but I will continue to trust that the Lord will carry me through and make sense of all this in the end.

I will always look back at my time with N and smile because he made up a good portion of my life. No matter what he does wrong in life- I think I will always be right there to support him and pick him back up if I can.

I dont know what I think- I know I dont want to be with him right now- the wounds are still too fresh but I also dont want to imagine us ever not being on good terms.


Sometimes I think I love him too much for my own good. {sigh}

If you get a minute, please pray that the Lord will work on my heart and mind so that I will feel at peace with everything that is happening in my life and trust that in the end, it will all make sense.

" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11