Stuck between....

... a rock and a hard place.

Whats pretty hard about all this is that even though I know N and I need time, I also really miss him. Every single day, no matter what, I get some sort of moment that makes me sad or happy or whatever because it reminds me of him. Im not sure if I'll ever get through the day without thinking about him at some point, however brief it may be. Like Ive said before, when I talk to him, its not always good and its not always bad. Im not gonna lie (I mean, why would I? This is my blog- haha) I really like that N and I are still talking a few times a week. It helps me know that Im not feeling this way alone and it allows me to talk to my best friend. Thats seriously how I feel- that if we dont speak- It will be this huge hole. Not only because he was my partner for so long but that for the past 6 years, he's been my best friend. I love him for a reason and not speaking to him is just torture. No matter what, I know that N is going to be a huge part of who I am whether through what Ive learned over these years or what I will learn from all this. I hate that Im stuck. I want to talk to N- I really do. But I also dont want to make this way worse on myself and look back later and wonder what the heck I was doing all this time. I entertain his conversations because I want to hear what he has to say and get an idea about how he feels. Its bad, I know, but when I hear those things, It reaffirms that he IS realizing that the grass isnt always greener on the other side and that for the most part everything he ever wanted WAS right in front of his face. Given, that realization wont "fix" us but its a great step towards what I wanted out of all this. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. Its not like we broke up because we didnt love each other or WANT to make this work. We broke up because we took each other for granted and felt like we needed a time period to be "alone" to reassess our lives so that we could be a better individual or couple or whatever. I dont know what will happen in the end. He doesnt either. This is just a sucky situation. ugh.

(Thanks for the advice RB :) You were definately NOT too harsh- Im glad that you chose to say something. I hate that you guys dont know the entire story from start to finish including exactly how I feel. I wish things could be as easy as they sound coming from someone else because then I would definately be in good shape. Keep it coming!

(Sat. 8:15am) Haha, for anyone that read this post between when I posted it last night and now, you now know N's real name. haha WOOPS- I guess in my tired state last night, I let one slip without noticing it - even when I reread it! I also noticed that when I emailed one of you the other week, I signed it A and then remembered that my email comes up with my full name in your inbox- HA. Not that it really matters. I dont even know why I use letters instead of names. I guess Im just not ready for all that yet. Maybe, someday :)