Another Downer

Okay, heres my honesty. I never call N. I never text N. I never send N emails. I always wait for N to call me because then I can avoid the possibility that when I try to talk to him, he will be busy with something, and it will hurt my feelings. Well... for some unknown reason, I felt the need last night to send him a text just to see what he was doing. I received no answer. That is very uncommon for him. He always answers my calls within a few rings when I return his missed calls and he always returns my texts within 5 minutes. Of course, my mind was/is racing trying to figure out what the heck he was doing that he didnt want to or couldnt return a text. I know- I did this to myself. I should have stuck with my "if he wants to talk to you, he'll call/text" attitude but I didnt and now Im kicking myself for it.

How it is that what other people do can affect our emotions so much? Im seriously over hating life. I wake up every single day saying, "this is it- this is the day that Im going to take my life back and start enjoying it... the majority of the time instead of fleeting moments."

Does that happen? No.

Someone dissappoints me
or
something goes wrong
or
my friends bail out
or
my parents treat me like Im 5 again
or
my little sister does something stupid that makes me cringe.

and for some reason, I allow those things to affect my emotions in the extreme.

Im ready for better. and I dont know what to do to get there.

Im sorry Ive been so down in the dumps lately- Im sure you guys are way tired of hearing me complain and be upset. Sorry :( Im really trying to figure this all out.

Update (11:00am): okay so he just called to tell me sorry he didnt answer my text, that he had a photo shoot (Hes a wakeboarder) this morning so he turned his phone off early last night and went to bed. I should be relieved and over it now that I know the reason but Im still mad. Ugh.