I should be sleeping... but cant... so heres an update on life
N called yesterday while the kids were at their swim lessons. I talked to him almost the whole hour while chasing the 1 year old around trying to prevent him from diving headfirst into the swimming pool. (haha) Sometimes N is so confusing. Lately, when he calls, he starts with a little small talk and then he goes right into the roundabout "us" subject. Its like hes trying to figure out where he stands and where I stand and confirm or nilch what he is thinking about. He kept asking me, "so you think you would be truly happy if we got married and had a family together?" and saying, "man, you must really love me, huh" along with some "Im realizing how much you did for me everyday that I never noticed before." What the heck does that mean? Is he leaning towards being with me again? Is he realizing that I want more than he can ever give me? I dont know.
Anyways- Ive had the kids since Tuesday night and have them until Sunday. To say I am tired is an understatement. I dont know if it's the swim lessons in the middle of nap time that is causing all this grouchiness or what but they are definately pushing every possible button there is. Its unusual because they are so well behaved and well mannered most of the time. It also doesnt help that Im back to the exhausted but unable to sleep mode so while it is 10:55pm and I should be conked out by now because they get me up at 6am, I am instead laying in bed blogging. haha. Like Ive always said though, at the end of the day- I cant help but love them :) It doesnt matter how many times they disobeyed or whined or complained or spilled cereal all over my bed (yes, that was my morning) ... my heart melts all over again when they climb in my lap for stories and snuggles :) I need to take a time out and try to regroup because Im sure all that is going on in my life is just adding to my exhaustion and I dont want that to effect the time I spend with them.
Okay- now time to see if I can get some Zs in before I hear the pitterpatter of little feet running to my bed in the wee hours of the morning- ha
You are in a tough position with N. Honestly though, I wouldn't entertain those kinds of conversations. I would speak briefly, go through the niceties and then say you've got to go. Those kind of comments that leave you feeling confused aren't worth it. You are trying to heal and N's lengthy conversations won't really help you along your journey.
ReplyDeleteSorry if I sound harsh or judgmental. I don't mean to be. I've just been there and done that ;) If I could tell myself what I just told you 10 years ago, I would have :)