I just dont know.

N calls me.

Sometimes every day.

Sometimes every few days.

Sometimes it helps.

Sometimes it hurts.

I just dont know. I like that he does this because it helps me know that he's still thinking about me and that Im not just something he can walk away from easily. I knew he loved me then, but his maturity in this whole decision has blown me away and made me realize more so why this is so hard for us. You cant just unlove someone even when you know that what you are doing is necessary for the future. Instead of just walking away and doing his thing and not thinking about how its going to affect me, he's really tried to help this transition as smooth as possible. No, that does not mean that he doesnt do things that make my heart jump up into my throat, but at least he's trying to be honest and respectful.

He's always been the kind of person who needs someone around. Whether its a good guy buddy, a good girl friend, or during the past 6 years, me. I knew to expect that when this all went down, that he would most likely start hanging out with people that I didnt know and possibly start persuing someone else to try to fill the void that my absence created. That person may not even be significant or even someone he wants to begin a relationship with- but just someone who wont make him feel so alone. Even though I hate it... I cant fault him for dealing with this in his own way. Thats not how I deal with all this but I cant make him cope in the way I want him to. It has to be his decision.

I just dont know what the heck Im doing. Its so wierd to feel so incredibly unable to control everything going on around me.

I just dont know.