Yesterday, I got a call from a great friend whom Ive known since elementary school. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE her and have missed her so much since going away to school. Well.. she called to tell me that she is ENGAGED!!!!!!!
I cant even express how incredibly happy I am for this wonderful girl! If anyone deserves an awesome guy then it is definately her! Her faith in God and patience to wait for His best has always impressed me. She is a girl who is going to do great things and live life completely for the Lord!!
Although I am so so so happy for her and couldnt even contain my joyful tears when she called... It made me a little sad. What if I never get to be in that position? What if I never get married?What if I never get to feel that overwhelming joy I know she was feeling knowing God had given her THE ONE he had chosen for her?
Im scared.
My whole life Ive wanted to be a mom. Ive wanted a guy that will love me just the way I am no matter how many mistakes Ive made. I want a guy that will push me to be more like God and will challenge me to be a better person in the midst of it all. I want to believe that God has someone out there for me, whether it is N or not, but I also have this tugging that tells me to learn to be okay alone. Thats a scary thing.
Is it so incredibly awful that Im a little jealous of her?
I just always thought that eventually N would ask me and that would be it. We spent so many years together, he had become part of me... a part of me I never wanted to give up. Ive been thrown for a loop. What I want is not always what happens or should happen.
I feel guilty for envying her. I just never wanted to be here. I never wanted to wonder whether I would get to be a mom or whether I would ever find the guy God chose for me.
I know Im having a freak out session prematurely since Im only 21 and have just gotten out of a relationship but this has been on my mind ever since we separated. Theres plenty of time, I know but Im a worryer at heart and these are the things that go through my head on the daily.
Is it bad? No. You are completely normal. You will meet the man meant for you one day. Life isn't usually what you expect. I guess that's how we learn the messons we're meant to while we're here. (It still sucks though) :)
ReplyDeleteUh, that's supposed to be "lessons" not "messons." :)
ReplyDelete