N came to pick up Olly today.

I always tell myself that its fine and that Ill see him in a little while but its always hard anyways.

Im dreading going to sleep without Ollydog there beside me :(

What happened Christmas week?

N is a jerk. Ive officially decided. I have gone through ups and downs the past few weeks as he calls to tell me how much he misses me and how I was "the best thing that ever happened to him" but then turns around and goes to visit his new gf's family for the holidays. Im way over it. (As you know I have been for a while!) but even more so now since he is being so ridiculous.

For example... Remember back (right after we broke up) when N decided to go through his drinking phase and would call me drunk every night?? Yeah, well I sat home and cried myself to sleep on multiple occasions because I would worried about him but I kept my mouth shut and let him experience whatever it was that he needed to experience during our "time apart." I prayed that this phase would be quick and painless and that he would learn quickly that drinking does not make the problem go away- it just makes you forget for a little bit but at the same time- it makes things more complicated and worse off when you sober up. He figured it out eventually but not for many months.

Yeah well I never went through that phase nor will I ever go through that phase. One time is enough for me and well.... I had my one time "head hanging over the toilet" experience about a week ago at one of my best friends house. NOT FUN! I didnt even go out with them when they went because I was already puking my brains out- Gross, I know. Anyways- I guess in my, first ever, "drunken" state- I called N to pick me up. Luckily, He was sleeping and did not answer but he most definitely did not hesitate to yell at me and make me feel guilty in the morning because he says I am "not the same person" and the Allison he knows would "never ever get drunk."

***Well news flash, N, I did not go into the night PLANNING to drink too much- nor did I plan on calling you to come get me- nor did I plan on hanging out with a toilet seat squished up against my cheek for hours as I emptied my already empty stomach. Nope, sorry- Not the plan but sometimes things dont go as you planned and I can thank YOU for that.***


Although that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN (YES, it was THAT awful- Vodka is NOT my friend), I am glad (okay maybe not GLAD- but whatever) that I have experienced it and can now move on. Ive never been one to drink (as you all know) but sometimes I just get so jealous of all those people who can go out, drink, and temporarily forget their troubles. I know that drinking it not the cure all- or the answer to just about anything- but I did it- cant change it- and I will now move on and never do that again- ya know, the whole hanging over the toilet thing. :)

Anyways- the whole point of this is that N had decided NOT to go with his gf to visit her family out of state for Christmas (well at least that's what he told me...) because things were "rocky" and decided that it would be better for him to stay here.

but when he found out that I had drank... he decided to go to spite me... When I found out- I most certainly sent him a not nice text telling him that he sucks and that I don't know why I ever let myself believe that every word outta his mouth wouldn't be a lie. I sent that on the Sunday before Christmas (the day he left) and on Wednesday (I am assuming the first time he turned on his phone to get messages)... I received this..

"Don't respond to this message. I didn't lie to you about coming up here. I called her and told her Id go after I found out that you got drunk. It was a f***ing mistake, Ive thought about you every night Ive been up here and I'm pretty stuck. Hope you don't hate me too much, cuz I'm being punished for it. I wanted to show you how different I was in a good way, but I turn around and ur different now. Didn't really know what to do. I don't even know what you've done while Ive been done. Anyways- this sucks and Im sorry I made the mistake of coming. Hope you're well."

Well of course I'm furious and send him some more choice words and I tell him that he is not stuck unless he accepts that he is stuck. His response? "I don't have any money to change my ticket to come home."

Here's the thing.... theres always a way out and he decided to take the easy road and not work to get out of his "predicament." That told me a lot and to tell you the truth, it reminded me why I am in the position that I am in.

I hate to say it, but I still care about N- even after all of this- and everyone once in a while, I forget how mad Im supposed to be and I just feel sorry for him and of course, sorry for me that Ive dealt with this for the past 9 months. I wonder what it would be like for us to ever get back together and I quickly realize that it would be impossible because I dont trust him one bit anymore and I would not be able to forget about him dating her and putting me through hell.

I would ask him to give me Olly again to try to get away but at this point, I have no where to put him back at school since my subleaser fell through and I have to stay in my "NO DOGS ALLOWED" apartment with Roomie (who is going through an awful breakup with psycho boy right now and is really needy and wants to talk to me ALL THE TIME). However, if N did offer to give me Olly- I would most certainly take him and then just hope that my friends at school dont mind a doggy roommate for 4 months :) haha

This is a crappy situation and I just dont have the energy to try to work it out. Im adopting the "it will work itself out" stand because I just dont want to deal with it right now.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Oh and PS, Collier got drunk last night (WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE GETTING DRUNK AND THEN CALLING/TEXTING MEEE???) and texted me saying that he regrets not giving us a chance and that he thinks that we "click" and that theres something about us thats different from other people. I was WAY confused as to where this was coming from since I told him (more than once) that I was not in a position to want to date and that I do not blame him for dating M. He just kept saying that he doesnt know what it is about me that gets to him so much but that he cant help but want to talk and hang out with me.

???????????? I reminded him that I was not, nor am I now, in a position to want to date anyone and that Im glad we are friends but that he should not be talking to me about this kind of stuff since he is dating someone else.

I guess he sobered up by this morning and texted me apologizing for what he was saying since he knew it was inappropriate.


WHAT THE HECK?? I'm starting to think that drama follows me. What do YOU think?!

Cheers

N came home today and I was way bummed about having to bring Olly back to him....

AND THEN....

N called to say that his condo is infested with FLEAS!

I told him I would not bring Olly back to a flea infested house and that I was going to keep him until he could "resolve" the issue.

My mom and I sprayed our whole house just in case and I gave Olly a flea bath and monthly treatment.

N came by to bring me O's flea stuff and I could tell it was really hard for him to be at my house and see me after so long. He left in a hurry and told me later it was because it upset him to be in a place that he misses so much.




I know its awful that Im glad his place is flea infested but Im just stoked to have a few more days with Olly :)

Oh and by the way- N asked me to "give him until I leave for school and if he's still f***ing up then I can write him off." Not sure what he meant by that but my response?...

"Ive given you 9 months, N."



CHEERS!

I survived...

my first Christmas without N in 7 years...



and I am proud to say....

not even one tear was shed!

(dont think I didnt want to cry because I did but I chose to celebrate what I have instead of what I dont have!!)

Merry Christmas!

SO much to say... SO little time

You'd think that Id have tons of time to get you guys updated now that Im out of school but that is SO not the case.

I am sorry fellow bloggers that I have been so boring.

But I DO have LOTS to tell you!!! :)

Ill be back soon- Promise!

Wordless... Sunday?

Im really sorry....

... I know this site is so inappropriate...

....But it's just....

SO

DANG

HILARIOUS!!!


www.textsfromlastnight.com

How do I feel about that?

YESSS! Exams are FINALLY over! NOOOOO! I do not have my grades back but..... I WILL be returning to the blogging world for the next month without any school work to tie me down :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hmmm... I knew this question was coming :)

In response to your comments on my previous post....

I dont really feel anything.

Why?

Bc Im pretty positive that I wouldn't seriously want to date Collier. {at this time anyway}

I came to that conclusion because...

when I found out he was dating the girl... it annoyed me that he would do a jerk thing like that (bring me on tuesday, start dating her sunday)... but I wasnt hurt or upset that we werent going to have a chance to get to know each other better (in a relationship/dating sorta way)

Now, dont get me wrong-

Hes a cool guy and Im glad we are friends- but at this point, I cant see myself dating him so the fact that he says that he was putting off dating her bc of me... is a little... hmmm... I dont know... Should I feel bad? haha

I mean, if he was SERIOUSLY interested in dating me... dont you think he would have TALKED to me about it before he gave up and moved on to the next girl in the space of 5 days?

I dunno, just something to think about, I guess.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SO GLAD TO BE HOME with NO SCHOOLWORK on the horizon! Time to knit (HAHA I like it!), read lots of books, watch tv, and RELAX with my Ollydog (when I have him).

So....

Apparently I was the reason Collier was putting off dating his current girlfriend.... (his words not mine)

But he thought I didnt like him more than a friend so he felt he should just give up.

Interesting...

Welcome Duggar #19!

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar had their 19th baby yesterday at 25 weeks gestation.


Josie Brooklyn
December 10, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Weighing 1 lb 6 oz

Josie is in the NICU but is stable and doing well for her size. Michelle is also doing well.

Whether you agree with their large family or not, I ask that you join me in prayer for Michelle, Josie, and the rest of the Duggar Family! Josie has a long road ahead of her as she grows and gains strength outside of her mommy's belly!

F.Y.I. I LOVE the Duggars so if you dont agree with them, I dont want to hear it! :)

NO WAY!

I won a pair of Brooks Running Shoes tonight at our Tech training at work!

Who knows when they will actually get to me butttt...... Im still excited!

I NEVER win anything!- EVER!!

Im stoked!!

AND my phone is still working!... and it doesnt even stink yet!!! :)

Milk

+

Cell Phone

=

NOT GOOD.


I am officially without a phone and Im pretty pissed about the reason. How the heck does a phone drop DIRECTLY into your glass of milk when there are a million other places it could fall when you drop it?

I immediately took it out, de-covered (I think I made that word up) and wiped it out. It didnt seem like it had gotten to the inside since I got to it so quickly. The phone was turning on and I could text, call, etc. Then I received a text and the sound was all scratchy and gargled so I took the back off again to see if I had missed drying some of it out. When I tried to turn it back on... nothing happened.

AT&T Customer Service is no help because I "cannot turn on my phone" so I have to wait until morning to try to get someone at the AT&T Store to fix it or give me another phone. I have insurance on it but Im sure they will still charge me big freakin bucks to fix it or replace it.

Wanna know why? Because even though things haven't been easy with exams and other untold drama (yeah I'm sure all that will come out sooner or later), I feel like I'm finally getting to a good place. I should have known that I couldn't have that feeling for TOO long... Something HAD to go wrong, right?

And lucky for me.... it came in the form of....

A cell phone in a glass of milk.


UPDATE
I finally got it to turn on- I guess it just dried out enough to function again. Not sure if I should go to AT&T.. I mean what would I say? "Hi, I dropped my phone in a glass of milk last night and then it wouldnt turn on... but now it does... can you fix it?" HA! Yeah so Im gonna let it dry out more overnight and hope and pray that it continues to work and does not start to smell. Ew. I sure hope that doesnt happen. I was pretty close to crying over spilt milk for a minute there.

Wordless Wednesday

Is it over yet??

Finals (Fall 2009):

Swimming Written Final
History and Philosophy of Sport & Exercise
Biomechanics
Business Communications
Chemistry II


2down, 3 to go

© 2009 M.T.Campbell

Speed LONG Update

Heck, you guys should know I dont know how to give a "speed update" so heres the best I could come up with. Im way behind, sorry.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Thankgiving was hard.
Not only was there an empty chair at the table
but there was drama between N and I about Olly.
He tried to say I couldnt take him for my whole break
because he didnt have anymore excuses to tell HER.
I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! That is YOUR fault
and I want my dog. He did his best but only gave him
to me for Tuesday Night (LATE) until Friday (Midday)

I LOST it when I dropped O off Friday.
Had to go to N's dad's office to get a key
because N didnt leave the door unlocked
but insisted I drop O off before He got back
with HER!

I broke down in his dad's office. Told him
EVERYTHING. He understood- asked if he could talk
to N about everything. I said "yes, as long as this
doesnt come back to bite me in the butt that
I talked to you"

Couple hours later, N calls- asks if Im okay?
He talked to his dad. His dad told him I was so
upset when we talked in his office. N & I talk.
Apparantly I made him feel guilty
so he asks when I can come get Olly- PERMANENTLY.
I say right this second. He says let me call you back.

Calls me back- changed his mind AGAIN. I freak out.
We fight. He says he cant give Olly to me- he loves
him too much that he promises to take better care of him
and that he will never tell me I cant see him.

We fight. BIG TIME. I tell him that I wouldnt be with
him right now even if he asked me. He says fine, because
he doesnt want to be with me. I say that I dont know why
he still says we are friends because all we do is fight. He says
he doesnt want to talk to me until I come home for Christmas
to get Olly. I say thats fine, as long as he sends me updates of
Olly and makes sure that I know O is fine. He says okay.

I head back to school on Saturday Morning.
Couldnt take being at home with my baby boy
by my side. Its awful. I meant to get lots of work done
(since I got nothing done at home) but instead spend time
running errands, sitting around, catching up on blogs, watching
a movie with a friend and drinking a whole bottle of wine (almost)
by myself. My friend thought it was funny. He laughed. (haha).

After my day of nothing. I had to jumpstart myself on Sunday.
Sat down to write a 5-7 page paper on Sunday night only to
be interuppted by a call. from N.
I answer, confused as to why he is calling when he clearly said
he did not want to speak to me for a couple weeks.

He sounds upset. Tells me he needs to talk to me.
I say "I dont want to hear anything about you and HER so
if that is what you want to talk about then dont."
He says its not about her. I ask if it will make me upet.
he says he doesnt know.

This is what he said:

"I went to get ice cream the other night by myself and for some reason I decided to turn the radio on. "

{N NEVER listens to the radio}

"I guess my dad had used my radio last because it was on a country station. I went to turn it immediately until the lyrics to the song hit me. HARD."

It was "Need you Now" by Lady Antelbellum.

{I sent these lyrics to N the very first time I heard it because it made me think of him. Never thought that he actually read them or looked the song up to listen to it- He HATES country}

"I had to pull over. It hit me so hard. I just sat there for 45 minutes crying, Allison. I couldnt stop. "

{I have NEVER seen N cry... even when his grandfather died. Ive seen him tear up when we broke up but never cry.}

"It was like everything from the past 8 months was finally catching up to me and I realized what I had done. What I had put you through. You know sometimes I act like none of this affects me and that Im fine with how my life is? Im not okay. I push the feelings away and put them on the back burner because I dont know how to fix them. I KNOW Ive hurt you and I hate myself every single day for it."

"You know the other day when I texted you saying that I had something I wanted to tell you but that I wanted to make sure it wasnt a passing feeling....? Well, It wasnt a passing feeling even though I told you it was when I got mad at you later. See, the thing is, I told myself that eventually I would stop having feelings for you if we stopped talking so much and seeing each other. Well, its been months since we've seen each other and we go pretty long periods of time without talking and when we do, its about Olly or we just fight... and... well... the feelings are still there, Alli.... If I didnt love you... they would have gone away when we separated ourselves from one another. They didnt though. Thats how I know. I think that Im not as upset about all that is happening because I know that this isnt it. We're not over. but I do believe that right now, this IS best for us. We need time apart. If you choose to be my wife, I want you to be absolutely sure that I am what you want forever and you wont know that unless you experience other people. I wont know that until I experience other people also. I want you to know that I think about you all the time and that I DO think about you when Im hanging out with HER."

"I hope that me telling you these things isnt going to put you "2 steps back" because that is not my intention. I KNOW that it is my fault that you have had such a hard last 8 months and I hate that. I needed to tell you these things- not to try to get you back right now- but so that you know Im not the monster that I sometimes seem to be. I wanted you to know that I will ALWAYS care about you and I hope that we always stay friend if nothing more. I enjoy talking to you and genuinely want you to be happy... I just needed to get all of this off of my chest."

I seriously thought that I would have been so upset by what he was telling me. but I wasnt. I was fine. I was appreciative. I was glad he told me those things and I felt good about moving forward knowing that. I did not take anything that he was saying as him trying to get me back. I didnt take anything he said as something to cling to or as something to give me a reason to hold out for him. I felt good. I felt content.

So that is where I stand right now- a very eventful week.

I returned to School Saturday to this:

Sunday: refilm video for project that partner deleted (YES! DELETED) last time we filmed it.
Monday: Biomechanics quiz (moved to wednesday), Presentation, Informational Interview due
Tuesday: 5-7 page paper due, Chemistry test
Wednesday: Biomechanics Quiz, Swimming Final
Thursday: Breathe for one second.
Friday: Formal Lab report due, Last weeks Lab report due, This weeks lab report due.

I am trying to take a moment to catch up on relaxation (yeah, right!) before I jump right in and start all over for the REAL finals weeks coming up.

On top of it all, my dumb self put myself in as available to work on Monday from 9am-1pm and I HAVE FREAKING CLASS from 9-11am!! I dont know what I was thinking. The schedule comes out today so HOPEFULLY they didnt schedule me for that morning or I'll be in a mad search of someone who can fill that shift. My manager (I know) will not let me out of it because it is my mistake. We'll see how it goes. ha!

Okay, hopefully that got you up to speed! Also, what did you guys think of the shot I posted from my friends project that I talked about HERE and posted HERE! I loved the finished photos! The writing on my stomach was an excerpt (from one of my actual journal/blog entries (as was all of the other things written on people's bodies in the other photos that she used for the project). None of the photos showed anyone's faces and NO, none of us were naked haha- I just thought it was a neat way to be personal (journal/diary parts) without being personal (like faces).

I was just curious as to what you guys thought since no one commented. Was it weird that I posted them to my blog?? I duno, but its my blog so I did because I thought they were cool- hahaa! I'll post post a few more tomorrow so you can check them out.

What do you do....

when you have so much to study that you know you shouldnt even stop to eat, sleep, or bathe?...

yeah... enough said. :)

Nothing of substance to say

I apologize.

Things are hectic.
Things are crazy.
Things are confusing.
Things are blah.

This week at school is going to be the death of me.

I dont even have the energy to tell you what happened over Thanksgiving break. Lets just say I spent the WHOLE day crying on Friday and came back to school 2 days early because I couldn't stand being there another day.

Thank God I have an awesome Mom who will listen to me sob all day long, give me great advice, and then still love me anyways.

Lost clothes

I have a long list of "Lost" articles of clothing that somehow disappeared while I was storing clothes/living between 3 houses (school, my rents, N's). One of the things that I missed the most was a 3/4 sleeve simple black dress that fits me perfectly (eh hem, covers the girls nicely) that I had only worn once before somehow losing it. Its been well over a year and a half since the last time I have seen it... and after searching EVERY possible bag, corner, closet, and car I could think of, I gave up.

Guess what I found today in the weirdest place ever?

Now if I could just find the rest of the stuff, Id be in great shape!

There was...

... an empty chair at our Thanksgiving table today.

Everyone could feel the absence,

but no one said a word.





I choose to be thankful anyways.

Wordless Wednesday

{One of the shots we got last weekend.}

© 2009 M.T.Campbell

I'll share what's been going on later. Right now, Im enjoying my Ollydog.

Happy Thankgiving

Just when you think things cant get worse....

They do.

Even if I tried...

...I couldnt have said it better myself.

Uh Oh

Sooooooo

As many of you know, Ive had an awful couple of weeks... HECK... Ive had an awful almost year!

Well today didnt help....

This afternoon, I get a text from N. I didnt answer immediately because I was at work and dont usually have my phone on me if we are busy. By the time I saw the text, he had also sent me a "uh... okay... dont answer me then" text which of course I responded with a... okay okay... Ill just let you read it.

{If you dont care what we talked about, you are welcome to stop now. I just want to document this for myself.}

Background: Went out with some friends last night to have a few drinks. I normally only have 1-2 drinks and call it a night because Im not a big drinker- never have been (I didnt taste my first alcoholic beverage until I was 21). Last night, I got talked into having a 3rd drink and even though it doesnt seem like much, it felt different to me because I never drink. Dont ask me why I let them talk me into it, but I did. WEEELLLLL, I was tired LONG before everyone else and ready to go home. My friend, B, saw this and somehow convinced the guys that it was time to leave. I get home and for some unknown reason, I texted N saying "you were right" and then went to bed. {I texted him that because when we first broke up and he started drinking a lot, his reasoning was that "it makes things not suck for a little while." I always thought that was stupid but last night, I finally understood what he meant. Now, I was not drunk by any means (nor do I ever plan to be) but after this stressful week, I welcomed any way to feel less stressed for a moment)} I never got a response from N after that text (didnt expect one as it was 1:30am when I sent it).

Welll I woke up to a text from N saying... "About what?" I chose not to answer because 1) I didnt have the energy to discuss it and 2) I wish I had not sent it because there was no real need.

He wasnt having my lack of response apparently because when I checked my phone while at work, I had 2 texts from N. One saying "what were you talking about last night when you texted me" and another saying "uh, ok. Fine, dont answer." OBVIOUSLY I am at work so I didnt even see the texts so this is how it all went down.

A: Sorry, Im at work, whats up?

N: What did your text mean last night?

A: You were right that drinking makes things not suck for a second.

N: Oh God, what did you do?

A: I didnt do anything?? Its just been a crappy week.

N: Nah, what did you do? You got drunk with who and did what?

A: I didnt do anything, N. I didnt even get drunk. I had some drinks with B and her boyfriend and friend last night and it made me forget for a split second that things sucked so bad this week.

N: Im sorry, A. Didnt mean to jump down your throat, Just worried about ya. Why was the week so bad?

A: Its a really long story.

N: What do you mean? What happened?

A: Its too long to text.

{Long pause}

N: Hey sorry, I was in the shower. Can I ask you something?

A: umm, sure.

N: Have you kissed anyone yet?

A: No, I have not.

N: Been on any date? Im about to say something you need to hear.

A: I dont want to hear anything. Im at work.

{of course, I am straight up assuming that he's about to tell me that he slept with HER which I would NEVER want to know even if it did happen but I feared he was still on his "honesty" obsession and felt the need to confess or something since he said he wanted to tell me something RIGHT AFTER he asked me if I had gone on any dates}

N: Its really important to me that you hear it. Please. Is there anyone right now? You avoided the question about going on dates.

A: I have not gone on any dates and No I am not with anyone right now. and NO, I dont want to hear it. I am at work.

N: Fine, whatever. F*** you. Later.

A: Why would you say that? I am at work, I dont want you to say something that would upset me because I wont be able to hold it together after the week Ive had. I cant cry at work.

N: It wouldnt have upset you.

A: Okay. well, you can tell me if you promise that it wont make me upset in any way.

N: I'll just tell you tomorrow. Im exhausted and I want to fully think it through before I say it. Good night, Alli. Have a good night at work.

N: And Sorry for the unsolicited "F*** you," that was lame of me.

A: You are making me nervous.

N: Its a heavy handed future comment and it carries a lot of weight. I just wanna make sure I believe it and it isnt a passing feeling. But if it wont upset you, use your imagination. We'll talk tomorrow

A: I dont know what youre getting at but it still makes me uneasy. Please love on Olly a lot for me tonight. Im really missing him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I dont know what it could possibly be and at this point, I am not too terribly worried about it. Wana know why? Because most likely he will not contact me at all tomorrow because whatever he was feeling tonight WAS just a "passing feeling." I dont know what I would do if he does not try to contact me tomorrow. I want to know what he has to say but on the other hand, I dont.

Of course, in my last couple hours of work tonight, I let my mind wander and freak out and come up with all the possible things it could be... and this is what I came up with simply based on the fact that he said it wouldnt upset me.

1. He is going to tell me that he loves me and made the worst decision of his life not being with me and will I marry him.

Very unlikely as his relationship status on fb is still the same and HOPEFULLY not because I wouldnt know what to say to someone who has put me through hell and back in the past 7 months.

2. He is going to tell me that He wants me to take Olly in December like we originally planned.

If this were to happen, I would take Olly IMMEDIATELY on Tuesday when I went home for Thanksgiving. No, I do not have a subleaser and No, I do not have a place to live, but Id figure it out. This wont happen because Im just not that lucky.

3. He'll tell me something I DONT want to know about he and SHE's relationship... Like... he slept with her... or shes pregnant... or they are getting married... or something ridiculous.

Why, you say, would I think this is an option considering that he said it WOULD NOT make me upset? Ohhhhh well because there was a time when I trusted his every word and got freaking kicked in the face because of it so Im not gonna make that mistake again.

So that in a nutshell (a pretty big nutshell) is what is going on now. Didnt you miss the drama of N & A while it was at a minimum? Yeah... me neither.

Ill keep you updated.

Im really excited

One of my best friends who is a design major with a concentration in photography asked me to be a model for one of her projects. Now, I will say, I am like the most un-photogenic person you will ever meet so I was excited when she told me that these would be "non-identifying" photographs. I thought of posting some of her work so that you guys could see what to expect but I decided against it. (haha sorry) Id like to just wait and let you see what we come up with. Hopefully we'll get them all done and worked on this weekend so I can post some early next week. For now, I have some work to do to prepare for what I want these pictures to portray. I know you are confused- ha- but you'll see soon enough! :)

Today is not my day.

Subleaser texted.

University denied her contract break.

Im screwed.

Im stressed.

Im overwhelmed.

Im really tired of everything going wrong.

I cried in front of one of my professors this morning.

so classy.

I asked N to have O groomed this weekend so I can have his tear ducts unclogged while Im home. He said he cant because he is tight on money until Christmas. Oh really? and you think Im not? Im the one who has paid for everything O related for the past 3 months. I am going to talk to N about everything again on Tuesday when I go home. I refuse to pay for every possible expense and then not get to see him more often than 2x a month. I figure, what do I have to lose by saying something? (well, other than Olly)... At this point, things couldnt possibly get any worse than they already are. On second thought, Im sure it can.

Today is not my day.

Prayers needed...

My blogfriend needs prayers. She found out today that sometime in the past 2 weeks, she lost all of her amniotic fluid. Tomorrow, she will say hello and goodbye to her 18 week old baby via induction. Please click over and send her your prayers and comments during this awful time...

stab

One of N and I's friends from high school had her baby yesterday. N sent me a picture of him holding the baby. I know he did it to be nice and he thought Id like to see the baby... but it was just a huge f-ing stab in the heart.

wow i just said baby a lot in that short blurb.

today

I know Ive been boring as all get out lately and I apologize. I have seriously flipped myself into "just get through the day mode." I think Im doing this (even though i know I shouldnt) because it makes it easier to not think of N when I keep myself rediculously busy. So again, Im really sorry Im so boring

Hmmm what did I do today?

• got up at 8 after feeling like my head had JUST hit the pillow
• Chem Lab where I felt like what was being asked of us made NO SENSE at all... apparently everyone else agreed.
• Rush over to practice a speech with my group before class time
• (stuff my face with leftovers that I warmed up)
• Presentation (we were in a time crunch so by the time it was my turn to talk, I was speed-talking as to not go over out limit)
• Ate lots of candy to congratulate myself for a presentation well done!
• Run to parking deck, drive home, change out of nice clothes, throw on sweats, call sonographer who I am suppose to interview, get yelled at because office manager was mad that HER sonographer agreed to do that without her permission, back to square 1 finding someone to interview, get in car, book it back to campus.
• Drop off Operation Xmas Child boxes to be sent out
  
• Meet with potential subleaser (yes, the same one) and give her the subleasing application and co-signer form so it can be completed over the weekend
• Head to class early, try to get CHEM lab done
• Chem Class... try not to fall asleep by playing solitaire
  
• Stay 30 minutes after because he decided to pass out our IN CLASS assignment 10 minutes before class ended when they are 30-40 minute sheets
• drag my butt home
• make chicken & dumplings (yum!)
  
• will myself to get off the coach and go meet a friend to study for our biomechanics quiz tomorrow...

okay, okay... Im going, Im going....

It went well

Before I say anything else, I have to say, meeting with landlord went really well tonight. The townhome was beautiful and she seemed really easy to talk to. I brought my roommate with me to make sure that landlord wasnt some psycho stalker killer who was going to kidnap me and murder me. HA- I mean, come on! You never know in this part of NC!!

She seemed a little uneasy about Olly being there since she has hardwood floors and nice furniture. She was just concerned that he would pee on the carpet or chew up the furniture and I assured her that he has not done that since he was a puppy. (Watch, he'll walk in the first day and decided to randomly pee on something and then Ill be screwed haha)

I told her my situation with A (potential subleaser) and how I needed some time to get things squared away with her before I completely committed to a new place. She understood but seemed "all business" saying that she could give me until next Wednesday (a little over a week) to let her know and then she'd have to allow others to see the place.

I really liked her, the home, the price, her rules, etc but I guess Im just a little uneasy about living with someone I dont know. I mean, I know just about ANYWHERE I move, I will be living with someone I dont know but it's just, I dont know... a little scary. Theres no reason for me to think that landlord (dont you love how she doesnt have a name in this post?.. haha just landlord) wouldnt be fine to live with. I just... I dont know- I just wish my current place would let me have dogs then I could avoid this whole thing.

I was hoping that the girl who is currently renting the room from her would be there so that I could talk to her and hopefully talk with her (privately) on facebook or through email about how it was living there but all I know is the girls name is Emily and shes a mass communications major at my university. That doesnt really narrow it down much since theres a ton of people at this school and I have no last name. I dont want landlord to feel like Im trying to check up on her by asking for Emily's last night/contact information but I feel like talking to her current resident would be a great way to know how it would be.

Just a thought?! Is there an online database that allows the general public to receive free background checks on people? Is it bad that I want to check this woman out? I mean she seems great but sometimes people who seem great arent great so ya know.

AHHH IM READY FOR THIS TO BE OVERRRRRRR!!!

CRAP.

I just looked back at the email I sent A (the owner of the townhome) and realized I didnt even mention Olly in it because I just sent a quick blurb about myself since I never thought the room would still be available. UGHHH! Sooo I just sent her an email explaining my situation HOPING and PRAYING this isnt a deal breaker! Her housing post states "if you have a pet, we can discuss the rules." So I am assuming she is okay with pets but wants to make sure they are potty-trained and all! I guess I'll wait and see what she says when she replies so I can see whether she even still wants to meet with me still tonight.

Are you tired of my very random and probably uninteresting posts yet?

Subleaser update & more **WITH UPDATE**

I decided to text the girl who is suppose to sublease from me today. She responded pretty quickly saying that she definitely wants to sublease from me but that she is trying to get out of her housing contract with the university for her dorm first. The university told her that they would meet and discuss her situation and let her know by NEXT Monday. I know its not her fault but I really dont want to wait another week to try to finalize something with her because I am waiting until I have my lease taken over in order to sign another lease. I guess I have no choice though because she is the only one who has contacted me. I mean, given, I didnt post any more signs on campus after she called me so I guess I could do that if I needed to.

I got a few emails back from some people I emailed from craigslist and 1 sounded psycho so I threw that option out, 1 was much farthur away than I thought so I through THAT one out and the last girl sounded really annoying on the phone but I decided that I would still go check it out tomorrow. I am meeting with her at 4:30 tomorrow before my night class. Im nervous because I wana like her but I already think I dont based on our phone conversation. She barely even let me talk and said that her dog is a little territorial. I know at this point, Olly wont be spending all of his time with me but when he does come, I dont want him to be uncomfortable bc this other dog is crappy.

Ill let you know how it goes.

UPDATE***
So as I was searching for places, I came across a housing post from back in September that had an AWESOME all inclusive rent price for a room within someone's townhome about 10 minutes from campus. The townhome photos were BEAUTIFUL and I thought to myself, "Dont even email her, there is no way it is still available after 2 months of being online." But for some reason, I did email her. This was all like 1 hour ago. Well she just called me and WOW I am so impressed! She is an older woman whos last occupant was a college student and she was a sports medicine major in college too and is now an OBGYN :) - how awesome is that!! Definately in my field of future study :) She sounds so nice and asked if I would like to come see the townhome tomorrow night after my night class. The whole upstairs would be mine and it is furnished if I need it to be WHICH WOULD BE GREAT SINCE I WOULD HAVE TO UHAUL MOST OF MY STUFF HOME ANYWAYS IN JANUARY! :) The best part? She says there is no need for me to sign a lease. That she understands that when I graduate, I wont want to stay in greensboro anymore. I am trying to tell myself not to get too excited because even this seems just too good to be true and we all know what people say about things seeming too good to be true. I am excited tho- I cant help it. I really hope this isnt too good to be trueeeee!!

What do YOU think!?

I need a place to live.

So, I must have emailed 15 people about available rooms to rent tonight off of craigslist.

THEN... I realized...

WHAT IF THIS GIRL WHO SAYS SHE IS GOING TO SUBLEASE MY APARTMENT FROM ME DECIDES TO BACK OUT?!

What then?

I hate uncertainty.

I am going to call her tomorrow and try to arrange for her to sign the lease this week.

Lord Jesus, help me survive this crazy ride of anxiety!

UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

How the heck can good nights become bad nights in say... 2.5 seconds.

Can I ever get an F*in break?!

Sometimes, I really hate myself...

for missing him.

I shouldnt.
I really really shouldnt.

but sometimes, it just hits me- HARD and I miss him so much it hurts. I know I miss what we HAD, not what we would have now... so I have to remind myself that the "bliss" I am allowing myself to miss and remember is not reality. But still, it sucks.

AND... I took my 4th Chemistry Exam of the semester tonight and then watched Flash Forward, Greys Anatomy x2 and Priviate Practice x2 (last wks and this wks) to unwind... sooooo WHY AM I STILL ANXIOUS AND STRESSED? sigh. Im ready to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Update on RB!

HALLELUJAH!

RB sent a text to her friend who then posted it on her blog that says

"{birth mom} called me. She explained that she can sign TPR on Monday. She told me why she is unable to sign before then and her reasons are valid. I'm not worried too much. It just means I'm stuck out here for another week. "

AHHH You have no idea how many times a day I think of RB and pray for everything to work out! Even though I dont know her IRL, I know that she is meant to be a mom and I just hope and pray with everything that I am that this is her Baby Mac!

Please visit her blog ( here you go, Jess!) and send some love (I dont think she'll mind me recruiting some love and prayers :)



No {new} news on the "me front." Just same old, same old. Anytime I think of N, I get an awful feeling in my stomach and I want to cry. He has broken my heart over and over again and its becoming harder and harder to not just become more angry and less indifferent. I am constantly trying to come up with ways to make O mine for good and well, Im just really anxious all the time right now. School is not giving me a break- I have a Chem test tomorrow, presentation monday, paper to write, and God only knows what else - and I feel like I will never get to breathe again.

Wordless Wednesday & PLEASE PRAY

Okay, not too wordless anymore! I need your prayers! My friend, RB, is waiting for the birthmother to sign the TPR papers (Termination of Parental Rights) for her daughter. The birth mother is making up excuses as to why she cant do it today (She made excuses yesterday, too). Please pray that she will stop making excuses and sign them already!!! PRAY HARD, PLEASE!