Speed LONG Update

Heck, you guys should know I dont know how to give a "speed update" so heres the best I could come up with. Im way behind, sorry.

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Thankgiving was hard.
Not only was there an empty chair at the table
but there was drama between N and I about Olly.
He tried to say I couldnt take him for my whole break
because he didnt have anymore excuses to tell HER.
I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! That is YOUR fault
and I want my dog. He did his best but only gave him
to me for Tuesday Night (LATE) until Friday (Midday)

I LOST it when I dropped O off Friday.
Had to go to N's dad's office to get a key
because N didnt leave the door unlocked
but insisted I drop O off before He got back
with HER!

I broke down in his dad's office. Told him
EVERYTHING. He understood- asked if he could talk
to N about everything. I said "yes, as long as this
doesnt come back to bite me in the butt that
I talked to you"

Couple hours later, N calls- asks if Im okay?
He talked to his dad. His dad told him I was so
upset when we talked in his office. N & I talk.
Apparantly I made him feel guilty
so he asks when I can come get Olly- PERMANENTLY.
I say right this second. He says let me call you back.

Calls me back- changed his mind AGAIN. I freak out.
We fight. He says he cant give Olly to me- he loves
him too much that he promises to take better care of him
and that he will never tell me I cant see him.

We fight. BIG TIME. I tell him that I wouldnt be with
him right now even if he asked me. He says fine, because
he doesnt want to be with me. I say that I dont know why
he still says we are friends because all we do is fight. He says
he doesnt want to talk to me until I come home for Christmas
to get Olly. I say thats fine, as long as he sends me updates of
Olly and makes sure that I know O is fine. He says okay.

I head back to school on Saturday Morning.
Couldnt take being at home with my baby boy
by my side. Its awful. I meant to get lots of work done
(since I got nothing done at home) but instead spend time
running errands, sitting around, catching up on blogs, watching
a movie with a friend and drinking a whole bottle of wine (almost)
by myself. My friend thought it was funny. He laughed. (haha).

After my day of nothing. I had to jumpstart myself on Sunday.
Sat down to write a 5-7 page paper on Sunday night only to
be interuppted by a call. from N.
I answer, confused as to why he is calling when he clearly said
he did not want to speak to me for a couple weeks.

He sounds upset. Tells me he needs to talk to me.
I say "I dont want to hear anything about you and HER so
if that is what you want to talk about then dont."
He says its not about her. I ask if it will make me upet.
he says he doesnt know.

This is what he said:

"I went to get ice cream the other night by myself and for some reason I decided to turn the radio on. "

{N NEVER listens to the radio}

"I guess my dad had used my radio last because it was on a country station. I went to turn it immediately until the lyrics to the song hit me. HARD."

It was "Need you Now" by Lady Antelbellum.

{I sent these lyrics to N the very first time I heard it because it made me think of him. Never thought that he actually read them or looked the song up to listen to it- He HATES country}

"I had to pull over. It hit me so hard. I just sat there for 45 minutes crying, Allison. I couldnt stop. "

{I have NEVER seen N cry... even when his grandfather died. Ive seen him tear up when we broke up but never cry.}

"It was like everything from the past 8 months was finally catching up to me and I realized what I had done. What I had put you through. You know sometimes I act like none of this affects me and that Im fine with how my life is? Im not okay. I push the feelings away and put them on the back burner because I dont know how to fix them. I KNOW Ive hurt you and I hate myself every single day for it."

"You know the other day when I texted you saying that I had something I wanted to tell you but that I wanted to make sure it wasnt a passing feeling....? Well, It wasnt a passing feeling even though I told you it was when I got mad at you later. See, the thing is, I told myself that eventually I would stop having feelings for you if we stopped talking so much and seeing each other. Well, its been months since we've seen each other and we go pretty long periods of time without talking and when we do, its about Olly or we just fight... and... well... the feelings are still there, Alli.... If I didnt love you... they would have gone away when we separated ourselves from one another. They didnt though. Thats how I know. I think that Im not as upset about all that is happening because I know that this isnt it. We're not over. but I do believe that right now, this IS best for us. We need time apart. If you choose to be my wife, I want you to be absolutely sure that I am what you want forever and you wont know that unless you experience other people. I wont know that until I experience other people also. I want you to know that I think about you all the time and that I DO think about you when Im hanging out with HER."

"I hope that me telling you these things isnt going to put you "2 steps back" because that is not my intention. I KNOW that it is my fault that you have had such a hard last 8 months and I hate that. I needed to tell you these things- not to try to get you back right now- but so that you know Im not the monster that I sometimes seem to be. I wanted you to know that I will ALWAYS care about you and I hope that we always stay friend if nothing more. I enjoy talking to you and genuinely want you to be happy... I just needed to get all of this off of my chest."

I seriously thought that I would have been so upset by what he was telling me. but I wasnt. I was fine. I was appreciative. I was glad he told me those things and I felt good about moving forward knowing that. I did not take anything that he was saying as him trying to get me back. I didnt take anything he said as something to cling to or as something to give me a reason to hold out for him. I felt good. I felt content.

So that is where I stand right now- a very eventful week.

I returned to School Saturday to this:

Sunday: refilm video for project that partner deleted (YES! DELETED) last time we filmed it.
Monday: Biomechanics quiz (moved to wednesday), Presentation, Informational Interview due
Tuesday: 5-7 page paper due, Chemistry test
Wednesday: Biomechanics Quiz, Swimming Final
Thursday: Breathe for one second.
Friday: Formal Lab report due, Last weeks Lab report due, This weeks lab report due.

I am trying to take a moment to catch up on relaxation (yeah, right!) before I jump right in and start all over for the REAL finals weeks coming up.

On top of it all, my dumb self put myself in as available to work on Monday from 9am-1pm and I HAVE FREAKING CLASS from 9-11am!! I dont know what I was thinking. The schedule comes out today so HOPEFULLY they didnt schedule me for that morning or I'll be in a mad search of someone who can fill that shift. My manager (I know) will not let me out of it because it is my mistake. We'll see how it goes. ha!

Okay, hopefully that got you up to speed! Also, what did you guys think of the shot I posted from my friends project that I talked about HERE and posted HERE! I loved the finished photos! The writing on my stomach was an excerpt (from one of my actual journal/blog entries (as was all of the other things written on people's bodies in the other photos that she used for the project). None of the photos showed anyone's faces and NO, none of us were naked haha- I just thought it was a neat way to be personal (journal/diary parts) without being personal (like faces).

I was just curious as to what you guys thought since no one commented. Was it weird that I posted them to my blog?? I duno, but its my blog so I did because I thought they were cool- hahaa! I'll post post a few more tomorrow so you can check them out.