What happened Christmas week?

N is a jerk. Ive officially decided. I have gone through ups and downs the past few weeks as he calls to tell me how much he misses me and how I was "the best thing that ever happened to him" but then turns around and goes to visit his new gf's family for the holidays. Im way over it. (As you know I have been for a while!) but even more so now since he is being so ridiculous.

For example... Remember back (right after we broke up) when N decided to go through his drinking phase and would call me drunk every night?? Yeah, well I sat home and cried myself to sleep on multiple occasions because I would worried about him but I kept my mouth shut and let him experience whatever it was that he needed to experience during our "time apart." I prayed that this phase would be quick and painless and that he would learn quickly that drinking does not make the problem go away- it just makes you forget for a little bit but at the same time- it makes things more complicated and worse off when you sober up. He figured it out eventually but not for many months.

Yeah well I never went through that phase nor will I ever go through that phase. One time is enough for me and well.... I had my one time "head hanging over the toilet" experience about a week ago at one of my best friends house. NOT FUN! I didnt even go out with them when they went because I was already puking my brains out- Gross, I know. Anyways- I guess in my, first ever, "drunken" state- I called N to pick me up. Luckily, He was sleeping and did not answer but he most definitely did not hesitate to yell at me and make me feel guilty in the morning because he says I am "not the same person" and the Allison he knows would "never ever get drunk."

***Well news flash, N, I did not go into the night PLANNING to drink too much- nor did I plan on calling you to come get me- nor did I plan on hanging out with a toilet seat squished up against my cheek for hours as I emptied my already empty stomach. Nope, sorry- Not the plan but sometimes things dont go as you planned and I can thank YOU for that.***


Although that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN (YES, it was THAT awful- Vodka is NOT my friend), I am glad (okay maybe not GLAD- but whatever) that I have experienced it and can now move on. Ive never been one to drink (as you all know) but sometimes I just get so jealous of all those people who can go out, drink, and temporarily forget their troubles. I know that drinking it not the cure all- or the answer to just about anything- but I did it- cant change it- and I will now move on and never do that again- ya know, the whole hanging over the toilet thing. :)

Anyways- the whole point of this is that N had decided NOT to go with his gf to visit her family out of state for Christmas (well at least that's what he told me...) because things were "rocky" and decided that it would be better for him to stay here.

but when he found out that I had drank... he decided to go to spite me... When I found out- I most certainly sent him a not nice text telling him that he sucks and that I don't know why I ever let myself believe that every word outta his mouth wouldn't be a lie. I sent that on the Sunday before Christmas (the day he left) and on Wednesday (I am assuming the first time he turned on his phone to get messages)... I received this..

"Don't respond to this message. I didn't lie to you about coming up here. I called her and told her Id go after I found out that you got drunk. It was a f***ing mistake, Ive thought about you every night Ive been up here and I'm pretty stuck. Hope you don't hate me too much, cuz I'm being punished for it. I wanted to show you how different I was in a good way, but I turn around and ur different now. Didn't really know what to do. I don't even know what you've done while Ive been done. Anyways- this sucks and Im sorry I made the mistake of coming. Hope you're well."

Well of course I'm furious and send him some more choice words and I tell him that he is not stuck unless he accepts that he is stuck. His response? "I don't have any money to change my ticket to come home."

Here's the thing.... theres always a way out and he decided to take the easy road and not work to get out of his "predicament." That told me a lot and to tell you the truth, it reminded me why I am in the position that I am in.

I hate to say it, but I still care about N- even after all of this- and everyone once in a while, I forget how mad Im supposed to be and I just feel sorry for him and of course, sorry for me that Ive dealt with this for the past 9 months. I wonder what it would be like for us to ever get back together and I quickly realize that it would be impossible because I dont trust him one bit anymore and I would not be able to forget about him dating her and putting me through hell.

I would ask him to give me Olly again to try to get away but at this point, I have no where to put him back at school since my subleaser fell through and I have to stay in my "NO DOGS ALLOWED" apartment with Roomie (who is going through an awful breakup with psycho boy right now and is really needy and wants to talk to me ALL THE TIME). However, if N did offer to give me Olly- I would most certainly take him and then just hope that my friends at school dont mind a doggy roommate for 4 months :) haha

This is a crappy situation and I just dont have the energy to try to work it out. Im adopting the "it will work itself out" stand because I just dont want to deal with it right now.



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Oh and PS, Collier got drunk last night (WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE GETTING DRUNK AND THEN CALLING/TEXTING MEEE???) and texted me saying that he regrets not giving us a chance and that he thinks that we "click" and that theres something about us thats different from other people. I was WAY confused as to where this was coming from since I told him (more than once) that I was not in a position to want to date and that I do not blame him for dating M. He just kept saying that he doesnt know what it is about me that gets to him so much but that he cant help but want to talk and hang out with me.

???????????? I reminded him that I was not, nor am I now, in a position to want to date anyone and that Im glad we are friends but that he should not be talking to me about this kind of stuff since he is dating someone else.

I guess he sobered up by this morning and texted me apologizing for what he was saying since he knew it was inappropriate.


WHAT THE HECK?? I'm starting to think that drama follows me. What do YOU think?!