Resentment.

The grieving process is a peculiar thing.

After all the hurt is somehow bandaged up and left to heal, something strong and unmistakable begins to creep in when you least expect it. It comes without you realizing it but when it rears it's ugly head, there is no mistaking its presence.

When something like this happens.... you deal.... however you know how.

Sadness turns into confusion...

... which turns into hurt...

...which turns into anger....

...which turns into resentment.


Resentment.
- noun
- anger, bitterness, or ill will.


I resent Blake.

There.

I said it.



I resent Blake for making me believe what we had was something special.... something he valued.

I resent Blake for telling me he loved me and talking about marriage and a family... then walking away.

I resent Blake for letting me picture our lives together... our future home... our future children... and then shattering that dream right before my eyes.

I resent Blake for sucking me in and then spitting me out.

I resent him.



Yet, I still miss him.

I still wouldnt change taking that risky step of letting him in.

I still wouldnt trade our time together.

I still grieve his absence.



I know I need to let go... because it is more than clear that he is never coming back...

but its so hard to do that when you love someone despite all they've done to you.

I think the reason I cant hate him is because I know he was in an impossible situation. He didnt know that C was going to come back after 7 months of silence. I know he was trying to move on from her and that I was the one (for whatever reason) who he met. I know he didnt meet me and begin to date me with the intention of hurting me. I know he was just trying to pick up the pieces of his life so that he wasnt waiting for someone who may have never come back. I understand all that....

but I still resent him most days.


I wanna scream at him,

beat his chest as hard as I can,

and tell him he crushed my hope that 2nd chances are real.


Ive been through hell once...

Ive been through hell a second time...

and I am scared to death to get sent back a third time.


Its not his fault.

I know that.

Its my fault for reacting the way I have.

For letting myself fall for him and for belieing that 'Happily Ever Afters' do exist.

It is my fault for letting myself become vulnerable; for letting myself love him.

For falling away from God because my resentment for Blake has somehow continued on to my Savior.

I take the blame.


but at the end of the day, I still

love


cry for



miss



grieve over



yet resent Blake.





Wish I could shake these chains Satan has ensnared me with.





{sigh}

12 to 13.1

That is...

12 weeks until I run 13.1 miles (Half marathon)

I am very well aware that I am crazy considering that I havent really ran in oh... about 7 weeks... aside from a 4 mile trail run the Saturday after Thanksgiving which I ran on a whim following 3 weeks of running hiatus. HOWEVER... Im going to do it and its going to be WONDERFULLLL!

:)


Ive always wanted to run a marathon before I die and considering that you have to start somewhere, I figured RIGHT NOW is a great time to start by trying a half marathon first.


I need some...


structure


stress relief


alone time


exercise


...in my life and this seems like a good way to keep myself moving and happy this winter with a set goal at the end of the road!


I am so excited but also scared that the cold and long work days will keep me from sticking with my training plan. My bff Kelly is going to run it with me but she lives in Raleigh, NC so we are on our own for most (if not ALL) of our training.


Words of encouragement are welcomed at any time :)


Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas! :)

tid bits with UPDATE

• I have almost all my Christmas shopping done!
• I hate how Christmas has become less about Christ and more about presents. It stresses me out having to find something for someone instead of just getting it because i want to.
• I survived my 70 hour week last week - but barely.
• My little sister has informed me that she doesnt believe in God. Huge blow. She has been purposefully saying things like "Jesus Christ" and "God Da**" around me just to upset me. Not a good thing. Lots of prayers would be appreciated. I feel like I cant do anything.
• I have been trying to maintain a civil relationship with N because of our history and Ollydog but its hard. Most days that I talk to him, I want to rip his head off because of how closed minded he is.
• I rear-ended someone today. I wasnt paying attention. It was totally my fault. She was really sweet and we decided to get everything done between us instead of getting the police involved, etc. I dont have the money for this right now.
• I have kids overnight tonight and the mom has awkwardly decided that I need to attend the kids' christmas parties at school... i know no one... the kids are old enough tht its not cool to have moms dads or babysitters come to school to see them. I really dont want to go.

today is starting to suck big time

UPDATE

We had a windstorm tonight.

The wind knocked their basketball goal over.

Onto my car.

This week may be the end of me.

Ive spent 110 hours with the kids I babysit for in the past 7 days.

I love them but I need a break.


Ive decided to reapply to the Sonography program in March as long as none of the dates have passed already. I may take a class or two to up my chances but overall, I will be going in hoping for the best.


I considered nursing school briefly and then realized I was crazy.


Im so NOT ready for Christmas. Ive bought one gift out of six. Even finding a gift for my niece, Finley, is becoming a challenge bc they have requested only one gift from each person so that their home isnt overflowing with toys and such, esp when she doesnt even know whats going on quite yet.


I am looking into taking a vacation sometime in January just to pamper myself and hopefully give me some breathing time before making some big decisions. Big question is whether Ill be able to find a friend who has the same availability and finances and I and would like to join. We'll see.


I promise I am alive and still reading, just not talking that much :)

r u kidding me.

just wrote a rediculously long post for you guys.

and somehow it's all gone.


great.

flu

Im super sick. Have been for a week. Headache, sore throat, cough, fever, aches.

I came back up to school for a friends birthday this weekend thinking Id be okay by the weekend. Nope. Just as bad. Cant sleep. Cant eat. Cant even get through a sentence without coughing.

Im an idiot. I should have gotten my flu shot sooner.

ugh.

Asheville

Just got back from spending the weekend in Asheville with a family that I babysit for. SO beautiful! I am trying to catch up on everyones blogs and make my life more interesting so I have something to write about- haha!

Blessings

God is good.

In the midst of all that has been going on, He has reminded me that

HE WILL PROVIDE....

that

HE WILL PICK ME UP....

that

HE WILL SEE ME THROUGH...

Remember how my hard drive crashed?

Once again, God has laughed at my inability to understand and has given me provision! On Saturday, after watching some kids overnight, their parents came home and surprised me with a new laptop!

People, I was FLOORED.

They said that they felt like the Lord was telling them to get one for me and that they wanted me to know just how important I am to their family and that they are truly blessed by me.

UH HELLO!? You just bought me a new computer- I AM BLESSED BY YOU!

At small group, we also started a new series last night. We are reading, "He Speaks to Me" by Priscilla Shirer and I AM SO EXCITED! I have avoided small group for the past couple weeks because I just couldnt handle it. I decided to go last night and am SO SO glad! The very first chapter confirmed some things in my life about needing to "position" myself to hear God speak. It is something I have been working on and will post about later!

The days are getting a little easier. Of course, there are days that I wake up and I just sob because of how much I miss Jason. But I am trying to live knowing that Jason is well taken care of and that he is looking down on me every day.

Today I will not speak of all the reasons why I am frusted or angry or sad or confused or upset.

Today I will say...

I am blessed.

No where to go

but up

Not a good week

No word on the autopsy yet.

I miss Jason.

Every single day I cry because I know I am getting to experience things that he never will again.

I try to remind myself that I should be jealous of him.

Jealous that he is partying with Jesus in a place of perfection.

Still.

I miss him so much it hurts.



There is a lot that has happened in the past 8 weeks that I haven't posted about.

I just didn't have the heart to jinx something that could be good.

It wouldn't have made a difference.

I know that now.


I didnt "meet" anyone.

He just finally had the guts to tell me how he felt.

Ive always felt the same.

But theres always been circumstances that kept me from ever saying anything.

I did the right thing.

I told him up front I wasnt ready yet.

That I still loved Blake.

That my heart was still healing.

that our circumstances were next to impossible and

that we were already at a huge disadvantage for things to work out...


but I told him that I wanted to talk (and ONLY talk) and get to know each other.


I shouldn't have been surprised yesterday when those "circumstances" that always made things impossible before got even more impossibly apparent.

I do not want to talk about it. I have not even told anyone about speaking to him because I didnt want to go through what I had gone through with Blake again.

Now I find myself more wounded than I thought I would be.

I dont think I ever fully healed after Blake.

My heart is still raw and I was still scared to death to be hurt again.

I thought I was doing a good job guarding my heart

and keeping him at enough of a distance.

I guess I was wrong.

I didnt keep him far enough away because

I have found myself right back to the fear that things may never turn out right for me.

and at this moment in time...

thats where I stand.

thats what I believe.


It has not been a good week.

"Crazy" Jason

N and I's friend, Jason, was found dead in his bed this morning.

We do not know what happened yet.; still waiting on the autopsy report.

I had not seen him since N and I's split last April.

I ache because of that.

I wish I had had one more night with our "crazy" Jason.

Laughing at his craziness until my sides hurt.

I am so proud of him.

He served this country with all he had and always put others before himself.

My heart is broken.

I love you crazy Jason. You will forever be missed.

crash.

Hard drive crashed today. Was able to get my documents and pictures off somehow, but the rest is gone.

guess i will be looking for a new computer since mine is 5 yrs old and buying a new harddrive does not ensure that it wont crash in the next 6 months bc of the computer.

any suggestions?

remember: Im broke.

great day.

Let it go.

I've been holding on so tight.

Look at these knuckles, they've gone white.

I'm fighting for who I wanna be.

I'm just trying to find security.


It's hard enough to hear...

Harder still, to move beyond this fear.

We know there's nothing I can bring,

So tell me what do you want from me?


You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control.

You say You will be, everything I need,

You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go.


What do I love?

What do I hate?

What will I lose?

What will I gain?

How do I save my soul?

What if I bend?

What if I break?

What will it cost?

What will it take?

For you to save my soul?



You say let it go.




Lyrics from "Let it Go" by Tenth Avenue North

life

Life is really crazy right now- Im sorry I havent been posting (for like the one of you who even reads anymore)

Its been a really rough weekend and idk if I even have the energy to post about it but lets just say it wasnt enjoyable.

I work 30 hours/week at Ome.ga and at least 20 hrs/wk babysitting so basically my life consists of waking up...working...babysitting...running...showering...sleeping...waking up.... You get the picture.

Not good times.

So grateful to be putting away money but really frustrated that I dont get any me time.

Hopefully Ill be back soon

sigh

Blake

Lots to talk about. No energy to do it right now.



Blake texted me on Saturday afternoon.

Not to get me back.

Not to tell me he'd made a mistake.

After 4 months of silence....

He texted to say "hey"

to tell me he still thinks about me

and cares about me a lot

and that he's sorry for everything.

He is still marrying C.

He is still not coming back.


For a split second,

I thought things were going to turn out right.

Should have known.

He contacted me out of pure selfishness

and I made sure that he knew

thats how I felt.



After all these steps towards normal

I feel like Ive been set back.


What do you do when you've become so indifferent

that the only reason

you still go through the motions...

...is because you have no other choice?

Im still here! My birthday was Friday and Ive had a crazy couple weeks- Ill post an update soon!

BUST.

Remember my nice little list of everyday goals that I set for myself???


Yeah.... Im doing really good on a lot of them.


Others.....

not. so. much.


So I need to confess.


Heres the original list with updates...

1. Do not spend unnecessarily
I was doing really well with this one....
until I had a few slip up's this past week..

• I did eat Ch.ik-fil.-A one day after work this week because I wanted to go to Barnes & Noble to read but was starving! BUST.
• I bought a Vanilla MILKSHAKE in my gap between work and babysitting one night. I went to the mall to kill an hour so I wouldnt have to drive all the way home... and I was craving a milkshake ALLLLL day and I totally fell into a trance when I walked by dairy queen... BUST!
• While at the mall, I knew I needed to get a new pair of khaki shorts for work (rotating the two pairs I have for 6 days straight isnt so great) and was SO stoked when I found a comfy pair on sale for $6!!! I also got a collared shirt for work for $8.. buttt THENNNN.... I maybe so a cute beach dress for $4.00 and talked myself into getting that, tooo! AHHHh! At least it was only 4 bucks! stilll.... its a BUSSSTTTT!!!
  
• I kinda maybe bought myself a hat at work (25%discounted!) because the one I wear all the time is NASSTTTYYYY ( okay... and i kinda maybe also got a pair of running shorts and a pair of goggles since the goggles I was using at school were Blake's....) TRIPLE BUST!

I'll stop there before you guys take a roadtrip to sentence my debit card into some type of holding cell this week :)

2. Do not contact N
I totally didn't think this one would be too hard. Yeah... easier said than done. I have totally felt strong conviction over this whole thing with N and I's mutual friend. I feel bad that N was so hurt by it and it didn't even turn out to be anything. Even though I apologized when we met, I felt like he didn't truly believe that I was sorry. Now, a month later, I see now why it was such a hard thing for him- even though we weren't dating and he has a gf. I met with him Sunday night to talk to him about it and apologize again. It was a bad idea because we ended up fighting and I left in tears. Way to go conviction! BUST.

3. Transfer $50 into savings with every deposit
I'm not going to lie... I've been totally rockin' this one! :) Last time I made a deposit- I was able to transfer a lot more than that over to my savings! Given, I do try to live like I have double digits in my account even though I don't but it seems to be working out well so far!

4. Do not turn down babysitting jobs unless already booked
CHECK! I have not turned down a single job since setting this goal (unless I had to). I have also been working between 33-34 hours at Omega each week as well. I dont get my first paycheck until midway through the month but I think my plan to live off of my babysitting money and save my paychecks will work out well.

5. Return missed phone calls THAT DAY
Total. Bust. I have always found it really hurtful when I have to call friends over and over before they will call me back. I still have to do this with a lot of people so I try really hard no to do it to others but MAN, IS IT HARD! By the time I babysit all morning and then working all afternoon/evening or vice versa, the last thing I want to do is sit on the phone for the next 4 hours trying to return phone calls! I really need to work on this one- it was a BUST.

6. Memory verses
This one is going pretty well. As you recall, I chose to stick with Psalm 37:4 for 2 weeks instead of one since its one that I struggle with. This past week, the Lord gave me Isaiah 55:8. I meant to choose a new one on Sunday but things got busy and well... now Im behind. I feel pathetic because the kids I nanny for memorize this huge long verses each month and I have these puny little ones- haha! Gotta start somewhere, right?! :)

Week 1 & 2:
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your Heart.
(Psalm 37:4)

Week 3:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
(Isaiah 55:8)

7. Exercise most days
I am really starting to feel like I am making progress in this area. It's not hard for me to STAY in shape but it is SO hard for me to get back into shape. I'd like to pick some 5ks out for October/November so that I have something to work towards. Im getting caught at about 2.5 miles. I know I could probably do more but the course I run at the beach is about that long and when I get to where I started, its really hard to keep going! Im gonna try to start adding a minimum of a minute to my run each time if time permits.

(8/23) Monday: 31:00 minute run
(8/24) Tuesday: Rest
(8/25) Wednesday: 21:50 minute run
(8/26) Thursday: 22:54 minute run
(8/27) Friday: 15 minutes on road bike
(8/28) Saturday: 22:30 minute run
(8/29) Sunday: REST
(8/30) Monday: REST
(8/31) Tuesday: 22:00 minute run
(9/1) Wednesday: REST
(9/2) Thursday: 17:00 minute morning run + 20:30 evening run
(9/3) Friday REST
(9/4) Saturday: REST
(9/5) Sunday: 23:00 minute run
(9/6) Monday: 25:06 minute run
(9/7) Tuesday: 5 mile run (around 50 minutes)
(9/8) Wednesday: 30 minute run (3 miles)
(9/9) Thursday: 21:53 min run (2.45 miles)

8. exhibit love & patience to all you come in contact with.
Ummm... yeah... I don't like people very much I've realized... and a lot of the time, they are rude and disrespectful and I'm just not down with that. Work has helped me the most with this one because I'm pretty sure Id get fired if I didn't show love and patience to my clients. However, I'd like to be more conscious of my thoughts and judgments towards others without feeling obligated (ie bc I'm working) so this is definitely a work in progress. Oh, and I think road rage runs in my family :) so I need to make sure Klove is on my radio to keep me calm during bad traffic! :) BUST!

9. Have a daily quiet time with the Lord
I totally suck at this one. Ive been having a hard time journaling because of how busy I am and when I do feel like I have time, I have nothing to say. I created a private blog that only I can access in the hopes that it'd help me journal since I'd be typing instead of having to write it out. Yup. that blog remains totally post free. This is by far, the worst BUST of the past couple weeks. I dont know how to make myself WANT to journal. I do speak to God frequently during the day but it is a sentence here or a word there-- and like most, usually my prayers are selfish and about helping ME instead of helping OTHERS. Yup, I have no choice but admit that this was a BUST!

Any advice? What kind of goals do you set for yourself? What do you think I should change? What do you think is a good idea?!

J

Out of nowhere, I heard from N and I's mutual friend, J, on Friday night. (he's the one who freaked out when N found out we'd hung out- I told the story HERE)

It took him 4 weeks to contact me but I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by attempting to understand that he was put in a situation that he didn't expect and maybe just needed some time to process.

He asked me to hang out a couple times and I said no but then decided I should give him a chance.

Bad Idea.

He is just like every other Douchebag in this world. (pardon my french)

All I needed was to hang out with him one more time to realize that he has nothing to offer me.

Oh well.

-------------------------------------------------

Although it hurts to have to look back at the whole Blake situation and how it turned out, I am so grateful that I met someone who treated me the way I deserved to be treated. Never once did B make me feel like what I had to say wasn't important. Never did he try to pressure me into doing something that I didn't want to do. Never did he make me feel the way that N made me feel. I'd gone so long being treated the way N treated me that I didn't know there could be something better out there until Blake came along.

No guy will ever get away with the crap that N did to me.


I will not settle for less.


Not anymore.

Taking a step forward....

or so I thought.


This box contained everything I had kept from the duration of N and I's relationship that I still had in my possession (excluding gifts). I put a card in there for Olly's birthday along with his present and old toys that had been at my house for months since the last time I saw him. I felt like I needed to wipe my hands of those memories. (if you know me at all, you'll have realized that I am a very sentimental person and I keep a lot of things that serve as memories.) I'd been holding on to these things for far too long.

N did not ask for it.

Nor did I tell him he'd be receiving it.

I simply packed it up,

drove to his apartment,

made sure S's car wasnt there,

and dropped it at the door.

I did not ring the doorbell.

I did not send a text.

I did not call.

I just left it there.


... and I haven't heard a thing from him.

What is this?

desires

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

I have always struggled with this verse (thus the reason I have chosen to meditate on it these past 2 weeks).

Here's why.

What does delighting oneself really mean?

Delight (verb); de·light (di līt′)
to please greatly, to have great pleasure, take pleasure

It doesn't seem that easy to me. The Lord pleases me, yes. I am totally in awe of the things he has created for me. A sunset on a crappy day. A cool breeze during a run. A giggling child. A smile from a stranger. You get the idea.

Simply put. I delight in my Lord (or at least I think I do). I am well aware that each moment that I have here on this earth is God given... and that every breath I take is from Him... and that every wise word out of my mouth is breathed by him... but am I REALLY delighting in him the way that he wants? Is my delight enough?

When I am driving down the road with tears streaming down my face because the lyrics to a song on the radio just reminded me of the goodness of my God.

When I lift my face up towards the sky in thanksgiving for the opportunity to live.

When I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the things I have.

When I have to contain myself at church because all I want to do is dance for my Lord with my hands raised high and my lungs filled with song.

That is how I delight in my Lord.

I wish I could say that at every moment, I am delighting....

but

sometimes I forget.

sometimes I get crabby.

and selfish.

and annoyed.

and frustrated.

I don't delight in my Lord all the time.

I am not constantly thinking about it.

My life is not a continuous delighting party.

but does that mean I am not delighting enough?

Do I forget too much?

Is it that I just don't understand how?



If I AM delighted by my Lord then WHY do I not have the desires of my heart?



I want to be a mom.

I want to feel a baby moving in my belly and hold them in my arms.

I want to be a wife.

I want to meet the man that the Lord has chosen for me and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is my one and only.

I don't want to always think about the one who got away.

I don't want to fear that I will have to be a single mom by the hand of a fertility specialist.

I desire these things beyond all else.




I already hear your responses.

Be patient. Everything happens on the Lords' time. If you are meant to be a wife, He will make it happen. If you are meant to be a mom, He will make it happen.

BUT

that is NOT what that verse says.

It says,

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He WILL give you the desires of your heart."

If that is true, then WHY do some men and women spend their whole lives looking for love and never find "the one"? Why do some couples spend $100,000's of dollars trying to have babies yet their arms remain empty. Why? Why do people who delight themselves in the Lord still go to bed at night without the desires of their heart?

I don't understand.

and I may never understand.

I struggle with this. A lot.

I am scared that my deepest desires will never come to pass and that it will be my fault. That I did something to cause the Lord to withhold the desires of my heart. That I did not delight myself in the Lord enough or that I was throwing out attempts but just couldn't hit the bulls-eye.


How do I change my heart so that I can move from this place I am in to a place of acceptance and understanding? How do I read this verse and feel relief that it will eventually come to pass? How do I read this verse and feel at peace with waiting?

How?

{someone else's} Giveaway!

2 posts in one days! I know- its totally crazy!!

BUT I wanted to let you know about an awesome giveaway over at Storing up Treasures! I have been a long time follower (although not a good commenter!) and really love the honesty of this blogger! She makes me laugh all the time and I get so much from her posts! I know you will enjoy following along and this giveaway is perfect since I am always talking about new books that everyone should read!

I have to say The Weight of Shadows by Alison Strobel might just have to be next! :)

The one that got away.

Over the past 4 months, I have realized something...

Blake will always be the one that got away.

I have tried to move on, hang out with other guys, do my own thing, and through it all, he is never far from my mind.

Every time I hang out with a guy, it feels.... just weird.... like a story whose ending has just been told all wrong.

There are times that I am hit, unexpectedly, by such vivid thoughts of him that it literally stops me from doing whatever I'm doing.

I spent last weekend back at school visiting friends before the new school year and the whole entire time, I felt this weight all over my body. I felt like he was close to me but I couldn't get to him. I felt like being in that place just stood as a constant reminder of what used to be.

I miss him.

I wish I could say I was over him and that I don't think about him every day.

But I do.

I pray that he doesn't go through with it.... that he doesn't marry C.... and that he shows up on my doorstep....

but I'm not an idiot.

I know that will never happen and I will not live my life pretending it will.

I know that most likely, he is planning a wedding right now... and that one day soon, he will have a ring on his finger.

I know that I will most likely go through the rest of my life without seeing him ever again.

I know that I will never hear his voice again and that I will never feel his arms around me again.

I know that.

It just doesn't make my heart ache any less.

It just seems like a cruel joke.

To meet the man of your dreams when you least expect it... to fall in love with him despite your wild attempts not to.... only to have him walk away in spite of his feelings for you.

It's just not right and I don't know how to make myself be okay with it.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

Ollydog.
I cant believe that you are 3 years old, today. It seems like just yesterday, your dad and I were watching you run around with your brothers and sisters in a makeshift pen in the backyard of Susan's house. That first night after we brought you home, I felt like a proud mom as we snipped the nail polish from the fur on your neck that told us you were ours and bathed your tiny little body. I loved the smell of you and having you lay in between us on the couch while we watched a movie. I found out that night just how quickly you had my heart. Even though we'd decided not to let you sleep with us, that's exactly what I wanted to do when I heard you cry out in the middle of the night. Good thing your daddy was strong because you are such a good dog because of it. I never thought things would turn out this way, baby boy... I'm sorry that I don't come to see you anymore. I cant be selfish by coming to get you when I know it makes you upset when I bring you back. I love you too much to do that to you. God knows, I want nothing more than for you to be with me all the time, but it cant be that way. Know that I will always love your daddy more than he'll ever know but that I cant make it enough. If I could fix this for us, Ollydog, I would, but because I cant, know that I would do anything for you and I love you more than life itself. Happy 3rd Birthday baby boy!

Love you always,
Your Mommy

Discipline

Since moving home, I have really been trying to discipline myself by setting very specific goals, whether they are financial... personal... health related... etc.

Sometimes they are dumb things that I know I can do like... do not contact N (NO MATTER WHAT) and some are more important things like do not turn down babysitting jobs even if you are tired or put money away.

It has really helped to WRITE EACH GOAL DOWN so that I have a daily reminder of what I am expecting of myself each day. I make sure that all my goals are LOGICAL, REALISTIC, and will not add anxiety to my life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
In addition to the little, everyday things, I've also tried to focus on the financial aspect of being a young adult. Putting money away is key for me right now and in order to do that, I have to discipline myself so that my spending does not exceed my income. Due to the fact that my income is not fixed, I have been doing a number of things to ensure that money is being put away each month:

• I have been eating at home more
• I do not purchase things for myself unless they are needed and will be used on a regular basis (ie planner, socks, etc) This means I do not buy clothes for myself unless I am in need of that specific item or it is WAY on sale (and the money is available)!
• I have been transferring a minimum of $50 into my savings each time I make a deposit at the bank which is usually every week or every other week
• I have also set up a "Wa.y2S.ave" account with Wa.ch.ovia. to "trick" myself into saving money. The idea of "W2S" is that each time you use your debit card, Wa.ch.ovia will trasnfer $1 from that account into a savings account. In addition to those automatic transfers, you can also transfer up to $100 each month into that account. There is a maximum because the account receives 5% APY (annual percentage yeild) for the first year. There are other benefits of this savings account but I will let you read about it HERE! I have really loved it so far because I track my account electronically and I can see what is leaving and what is coming in multiple times a day if I want.
• I also changed my regular savings account into a "hig.h. perform.ance mon.ey mark.et" which receives a higher interest rate than a normal savings account. The only catch is that you MUST keep a minimum of $2500 in the account at all times. I decided this is a good thing for me because it ensures that I will have AT LEAST $2500 put away at all times.
  

I went into the Omega here at home yesterday and will be starting next week after they have had a chance to transfer my information from the store up at school. I will be working days so that I can still babysit at night. They were SO accommodating with my babysitting schedule and are willing to work with me since my schedule changes weekly. I am excited to be in a smaller store and in a store that focuses more on running because I really enjoy the sport.

My plan is to use my babysitting income for my regular finances such as gas, bills, food, etc and to automatically deposit my Omega paycheck into my savings account. I may need to tweak this some or switch which paycheck goes where but I feel like this will be a good way to put money away.

I am so lucky to have parents who are allowing me to live with them RENT FREE now that I am back home. Although I am usually eating at the homes I nanny in, I still eat pretty often with my parents (who refuse to let me buy groceries) so that is a HUGE weight off my shoulders and basically gives me NO EXCUSE about being able to put money away.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I have always been a runner- I do not love running distance because I grew up sprinting but through running cross country in highschool, I have come to appreciate the benefits of long distance running. When my knees got really bad again in college, I resorted to swimming instead of running for my workouts. However, now that I'm home, its not as easy to find a gym with a pool where I can swim laps. (No, it is not safe to swim like that alone in the ocean or waterway). I have always wanted to get into cycling but it is WAY expensive and I just cant afford a bike right now so I have been getting up at 730am every morning (no matter what I have going on that day) and running between 2-3 miles before starting the day.Obviously I will up the miles over time. Sometimes I have the opportunity to reward myself by sitting at the beach for a couple hours but sometimes that just doesn't fit into the day. I have also been trying to be more aware of what I am eating (yeah I know, I go back and forth about this) and focus on possibly running a half marathon sometime in the next 6 months (MAYBE). Ive always wanted to run a marathon before I die but I'm thinking baby steps will have to do for now (ie 5 k, 10k, half, full marathon, tri???) :)

We'll see how all this goes and I may not keep recording it on here but I will try. (Yes, I know, some days I included my meals and some days I didnt- thats for me more than you) haha.

Monday

Ran 30 minutes

Tuesday

Rest

Wednesday

Ran 21:50 minutes

Thursday

Breakfast:
1/2 banana, half bagel with peanut butter

Ran 22:54 minutes

Lunch:
Salad with ham, cheese, cucumbers, raisins, italian dressing

-----------------------------------------------------------
I have been choosing a bible verse to memorize every week (or 2) and putting it on my bathroom (and bedroom) mirror. I used to know so many verses by heart and I've noticed that I can often recall (portions) of a verse but couldn't tell you where to find it. I don't like not being able to help others by giving them a source when I refer to bible verses soooo I feel like this is just a great addition to my discipline regime.

This week's verse is:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

(I have a post I'd like to do on this verse but that will have to wait)

I am still working on trying to incorporate all of my goals into my day but here is a general list of what Im doing right now.

1. Do not spend unnecessarily
   
2. Do not contact N
   
3. Transfer $50 into savings with every deposit
4. Do not turn down babysitting jobs unless already booked
5. Return missed phone calls THAT DAY
6. Memory verses
7. Exercise most days
8. exhibit love & patience to all you come in contact with
   
9. Have a daily quiet time with the Lord

She Won't Be Lonely Long

My friends always says this should be my country theme song :)



She always specifies "country" because she swears "Ridin Solo" has to be my "rap" theme song! Haha!


Thank God for great friends! :)






Funny thing is....

I dont drink Patron

S-O-L-O!

I am not a rap fan but when I heard this song- I just had to laugh :)




Sounds like a good plan to me for now!

Whatever.

It's totally weird but lately, Ive been happy and unhappy all at the same time.

It feels so good to be making money and trying to put some away even though its not a salary career and... I am loving being an aunt and getting a chance to sit on the beach some and read and get back into running.

but

theres always something.

I feel like Ive been keeping things from you guys even though that is totally not the case! I just havent had time to get everyone up to speed!

So here it is!

I hung out with one of N and I's mutual guy friends (J) a couple of times and although I dont know him well beyond acquaintances, he's always seemed really cool. Within 24 hours, N had gotten wind of us hanging out and was stalker texting/calling me for the "truth." Apparently someone thought it'd be a good idea to tell N that J and I were sleeping together (which we were not). After 18 hours of ignoring N's texts and calls (because I just didnt feel like dealing with it), I finally decided that Id just call him back- meet with him- tell him the truth and let him know that he cant control my life anymore.

Heres the truth-
I like J. He's a nice guy. but I dont know him that well and I am not in a position to want to date ANYONE right now. J knew that. We only hung out twice anyways so it's not like it was serious. I would have liked to get to know him but that didnt happen because

N CONTROLS EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE WITHOUT ME EVEN KNOWING IT!!!!!

Heres the short story.

I hung out with J. N found out. J found out that N found out. N freaked out. J freaked out. I talked to N. J was already over the situation because of how badly N freaked out. J apologized for things working out this way but thought it might be best if we just kept our relationship as friends. N got what he wanted... Go figure.

Heres the thing that irks me. Even though I am getting to the point where I dont care how my actions affect N anymore, our mutual friends are still caught in the middle and they DO care.

No, I did not go out planning to "date" one of our mutual friends but I refuse to not hang out with certain people because it "might hurt N."

He obviously does not keep me in mind when he makes HIS decisions so why should I keep him in mind when I make mine?

J KNEW when he chose to hang out with me that I was his friends ex. That had not changed. But clearly the fact that N is mad made him rethink our "friendship." I mean... I get it... who wants their friend to hate them because they decided to hang out with their ex. I just dont get why he hung out with me in the first place if this is how he felt.

Im pretty sure J just never thought it'd be this big-a-deal. Me either. I mean, COME ON!.. N had been dating someone for OVER A YEAR but he still cant handle me being with someone else. N just wants to have his cake and eat it too and apparently, IM THE CAKE. UGHH!

Ultimately, N feels I've done something AWFUL by hanging out with his friend and that it's gonna take a long time for him to forgive me but that he respects me for being honest and talking to him about it. J wont talk to me because of how much drama N caused because we were hanging out and I refuse to try to discuss this with someone who clearly doesnt care. N swore he and S were done but then I HAPPENED to pull up to the same stoplight as them the other night so Im assuming he was just adding to the buttload of lies he's already fed me.

Sucky situation that Im just not even gonna deal with anymore.

N sucks.

S sucks

J sucks.

Sometimes life sucks.

but

whatever.

Update on J

Birthmom chose to parent her daughter.

So J went to Oklahoma to see her solider graduate.

Birthmom changed her mind once she got home.

Birthmom brought baby back to agency.

Agency thought J was out of town to see her husband graduate.

For this reason, they forfeited J & her husband's right to the adoption.

Birthmom had to choose another couple to parent her child.

The worst part?

J was in town. She had come back Sunday morning...



My heart is breaking for my friend.

Im in love...

...with my niece!

Ive had to babysit for the past 4 nights in a row and have to babysit again tonight!

I am grateful for the money but I want to go see baby girl tonight instead. My mom is making my sister and her husband dinner and my whole family is going.... well except me.... because Im stuck babysitting since I didnt know they were doing dinner tonight...

Heres the thing, I dont mind babysitting- actually... I love it!... but this family is not personable... they ALWAYS cancel on me.... and they never treat me with the respect I deserve.... I continue to babysit for them because I love their kids and it's not their fault that their parents suck! :( No, the money isnt good- (they always stiff me) - but every single time I go over there, the kids tell me how much they miss me and that they have so much fun while Im there!

Sooooo Im obviously going to do the right thing and uphold my word...

but miss out on seeing this precious little face tonight!!!

Sad times :(

J

I posted about my friend, J, here.

She is in the midst of one of the hardest things she will ever have to do.

She is waiting.

She is waiting to find out (in the next 24 hours) whether she will be a mother or whether a birth mom will choose to parent her daughter.

She is missing out.

She is missing out on her husbands graduation because she needed to be home for her potential daughters' birth.

She is praying.

She isnt praying for that baby girl to be placed in her arms. She is praying for the Lord's will to prevail- no matter what that is.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
J is one of the strongest women that I have ever met and even though our friendship exists only through our blogs and occasional emails, she is so important to me. She is a woman that radiates love on anyone and everyone she encounters... a woman who has endured more hardship in the past year than many have dealt with in their lifetimes... a woman who wants, more than anything, to be a mother. Even through all this, she still praises our Maker and trusts that his plan will be fullfilled.

I am in awe of J today.

She needs our prayers.

Wont you join me?

I'm an Aunt!

Finley Claire
born 8/9/10 @ 7:04 am
7 lbs 7 oz
19 inches long

Fabulous

I had to chuckle today... not only because it was funny... but because I just posted, "You know you're a nanny when..."

Here's a great "add on"

:)


While the kids and I were in Tar.get today picking up some things... a woman stopped me in passing and said,

"I just have to tell you that you look fabulous!"


I was really confused so I just said, "thanks" and continued shopping....

After she walked away.... Itried to figure out why a random lady would tell me that I look fabulous....

I laughed out loud as a realized what she meant...


You look fabulous to have had four kids!


haha! The life of a nanny!

AHHHHHHH!

OMGOSHHHH!!! My Bloggy friend, J, was officially MATCHED!

I am soooo excited for her! She is going to be such a great mommy!

Hop on over and read up on her story! She has disabled her comments for the time being but she would appreciate all the prayers she can get!!


LOVE YOU J!

You know you're a Nanny when....

...You've spent 50% of your lifetime watching other peoples' kids.

... You dont say a thing when a finger painting session turns into a body painting session because for once, it's quiet except for giggles.

... You drive a mini van more often than you drive your own car

... You let a 6 year old paint your toenails because 1) it makes her happy and 2) it means you dont have to do it yourself

...You fold laundry while checking email, returning phone calls, and feeding a baby.

...You have a stroller in your trunk and diapers in your purse at all times.

...You'll dance around like a fool just to see them smile.

...Kids call you mommy by accident... a lot.

...You have no idea how many diapers you've changed in your lifetime.

... You sing to them when they ask because, even though you arent very good, they still like it

... You have spit up AND snot on your shirt before 10am

...You dont sit down to eat because you want to jumpstart the "after lunch" cleaning process so you wont be in the kitchen all afternoon

...You've had a 6 year old walk in on you not once, but twice, while you are showering in the last week when she was supposed to be sleeping

...You forget to pee.

...You can make bottles while half asleep

...You go to bed at 10pm because you know that 6am comes faster than you think.

...The best part of your day is your 5 minute shower after 3 of the 4 kids go to bed.... (but only if you can tone out the sound of a 4 month old screaming to be held.)

... the sound of a baby crying doesn't even phase you

...You have to remember not to wear rings so people don't think they are all yours... and then you have to think twice, and realize you should put them back on so you dont look like a unwed redneck teenager with 4 kids...

...The smell of poop, urine, and vomit does not cause an immediate gag reflex.

...You go places so often with the same kids, that people start telling you, "YOUR kids are getting so big!"

...You miss the kids when you dont see them for 48 hours.

...You sway back and forth even when you dont have a baby in your arms.

...You love each and every crazy, chaotic, ridiculous, hair pulling minute you spend with them because at the end of the day, you still love them....

... even though they aren't even yours.

Overwhelmed

I have 4 kids overnight until the 5th (I started Wed night) and they have been absolutely awful the last couple days. Okay, I guess it could definitely be worse... but its been a bad last few days with them. I did not prepare myself for them being so disobedient because they usually aren't like this. Ahhhhhh!!!!!! Ive done a lot of praying for patience in the past 48 hours. I just hope that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is a new day!

On top of that, I gave my resume to a guy I babysit for so he could give it to his supervisor at PPD, which is basically a medical research company, and I didnt realize just how many people I know who work there or know someone who works there. Its been a blessing that everyone wants to help but its been really stressful to have to do so much research into the company this week while I have the kids as I try to figure out what position I would want to apply for.... so that the opportunities that everyone is trying to give doesnt pass me byyyy!

Although I dont exactly WANT to work there, I know it will be great financially to have a salary job instead of just babysitting and working at OmegaSports so I have been trying to look up positions.... I am really lucky that so many people want to help by giving my resume to their supervisors or giving me a heads up on job openings but the problem is.... Ive been looking at the available positions and I am totally miserable just looking and reading about them. I dont want to say that I dont want to work there because in all honesty, I dont know if I'd like it or not like it... I just hate the unknown of everything... :(


AHHHH ! I just want to scream!

Things could always been worse, I know but man, am I overwhelmed.

:(

wow, this is the most off the wall, random post I think Ive ever written. Sorry if it doesnt make sense.

I miss him.

Every time I tell someone, “I'm good,” I cringe… because I'm not good... at least not all the time... but I cant say that. It's been 3 months... I cant say that I'm not good.

Most days I can push him away and move forward telling myself what I have to in order to get by.

On good days, I accept that and do what I have to do.

On bad days, its not that easy.

On bad days, I struggle because missing him isnt just a state of feeling... its a state of being... an ache thats so deep that I can't remove it from my insides...

I miss him.

Even after all this time...

I miss him.

someone asked me if i missed you...
i didnt answer. i just closed my eyes
and walked away. then i whispered, "so much."

Book List thus far **UPDATE**

1. Vanishing Act (Jodi Picoult)
2. The Art of Racing in the Rain (Garth Stein)
3. The Longest Trip Home (John Grogan)
4. Love the One You're With (Emily Giffin)
5. The Weight of Silence (Heather Gudenkauf)

**UPDATE**
Sorry guys! I totally should have clarified! These are the books I've read this summer so far, now with a little blurb about what I thought about each!

1) I ABSOLUTLY love Jodi Picoult- I have NEVER read one of her books and not liked it so if you are looking for good reads, always go with her! You wont want to put it down! I have a whole stack of her books on my bookshelf because they are THAT GOOD that you want to keep them in your library!

2) REALLY REALLY GOOD! I totally would stay up into all hours of the night because every chapter left you wanting to read more! Good pick!

3) This is by the same author that wrote "Marley & Me" (which is PHENOMENAL if you havent read it!). Its a little slow but funny too. I would say out of all of these, this one took me the longest just because it didnt "catch" my attention like the rest did.

4) I almost think I liked this one so much because I happened to read it at the right time in my life. I felt like this book spoke to me and really nailed how Ive felt at certain points during the past year even though the story line had nothing to do with my life. However, even if I hadnt been in the position I'm in, I still think I would have really enjoyed it. This one will definitely be staying on my book shelf instead of being passed on to my grandma in Michigan (Im too worried I wont get it back haah)

5) SO GOOD! The chapters are really short and switches characters' perspectives with each one so its so hard to put down because you just want to know what really happened since you dont necessarily know from the previous characters' view. (RB! Im soo glad you liked this one, too! Any other book suggestions- My stack is getting low :) haha Also, What is GoodReads?? Ive never heard of it but I may be doing some research tonighhhhtttt)

I hope that you all will look into reading these books and always pass on your own suggestions as you read good ones--- I'm always looking for something good to get lost in ;) I think my tomorrow will consist of some unpacking and some much needed beach sitting and reading (if the heat doesnt kill me first!)

Vanishing Act

I read all the time in the summer because I finally have time to tackle the stack of books that have piled up throughout the year while I was reading textbooks instead. More times than not, I end up reading books that speak to me in one way or another and every once in a while, there are parts in books that explain exactly how I feel better than I could have ever put into words. Ive decided that I will post those quotes here as I find them because sometimes, I just cant find the words.

"I never stopped hoping you'd come home, but I did stop expecting it. Having your breath freeze up every time the doorbell chimes or the phone rings takes its toll on a person, and whether it's conscious or not, you eventually make the decision to divide your life in half- before and after- with loss being that tight bubble in the middle. You can move around in spite of it; you can laugh and smile and carry on with your life, but all it takes is one slow range of motion, a doubling over, to be fully aware of the empty space at your center."

Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult

Andddd it begins....

Its official. My car is a P.O.S. I drive a 2000 Saturn that I swear we've put more money into than we bought it for. I am so grateful that my parents got a car for me when I turned 16... but I hate that they've had to spend so much money on maintenance and repairs.

WELL... My AC went out Saturday... and of course of all the things that could go wrong.... it had to be the compressor.... Its going to be $1200 to fix it (maybe a little less if I find the part myself)... I talked to my parents and chose to not have it fixed today. So all in all, I spent $80 for them to tell me whats wrong with it.

Im not even sure that its worth it to fix it. I know I need a new car soon but I was just hoping to get another year or two out of it so I could put more money aside... I dont want my parents to pay to have the AC fixed because they know I dont have the money.... I also refuse to let them help me buy a car because they help me with so much already. I know that a lot of car lots have really good deals right now but I just dont know what to do. I hate to buy a car that I dont even like just because it's in the right price point but then again, I know that I dont have the ability to get what I want at this point in time.

UGHHHH!

And to top it all off, the weather is suppose to be in the 90's this week (heat index makes it feel like 100) with scattered storms (aka you cant drive with your windows open when it'd raining). This is so awesome.

Welcome back, Allison. Welcome back.

P.S. I told N that I thought it'd be better if we didn't communicate anymore because rverytime we do talk, we both get upset and end up fighting. I know we've said this a million times and its never stuck but I'm just so over it. He texted me last night with a really nasty message saying, "Just wanted to let you know that S and I broke up for good. So you can shove all your accusations about me being with her because I want something with her up ur a**. See ya." He's soo Classy.

I'm BaaaacccckkkkK!

I got back into town on the 15th, went to sleep, woke up, repacked, and am now at my school apartment packing up, working, and moving out until next Saturday. Total Whirlwind!!!

My trip was awesome! I am actually really really sad to be back to reality! haha! No surprise there!

I have so much to say but I know I cant cover it all so here's the jist of some stuff- ha!

• I have done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and I think I am content with where I am right now. My only concern about not having a salary job or a school program is that I wont have Health Insurance (Heck, I dont even know if I have any now). BUTTTT Im hoping that the Obama health care deal thats going on now will make it to where my parents can still cover me til Im 26!! Lets keep our fingers crossed because I most definitely have enough babysitting interest in the next year to pay bills and save up money- the only issue is having insurance! If that works out, I'll have time to figure out where I'm supposed to be without making hasty decisions just because of health insurance!

• My friend leaves for the PeaceCorp Monday so I spent yesterday at High Rock Lake seeing her. Lucky for all of us, it POURED the whollleeee dayyy!.. But it was still really fun! THEN... On the way back home, we were almost back at my apartment when my friend realized that she left her purse at the lake house.... so I had to drive the 45 min BACK to get it and then turn around and drive BACK to my apartment again.... You'd think she'd give me gas money, right? Nope. People arent that smart.

• HELLOOOO!!! I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT IN... LIKE A MONTH!!! OMGOSHHHH!! Look at this adorable face!!!

• I am most definitely going through "kid withdrawals" after spending 3 weeks with the kids. I woke up the morning after I came home and was really sad when I looked over and saw no baby :( I love those kids so much and even though the 3 weeks were hard at times, I still had a great time and cant wait for the end of the month when I have them overnight while their parents are on vacation! Ahhhhh! I cant even imagine how much people love their own kids if I love someone else's kids this much! haha!

• I went into Omega yesterday to pick up some things (where I work at school) and I see two new workers- a guy and a girl. I was totally pissed at first because theyve hired so many people over the past 3 months that the rest of us are losing hours.... then I realized that this is my last week anyways so I cant be mad- haha! Anywayssss.... both of them looked really young so I just assumed that they were both still in highschool or lower college. HOWEVER, I did notice immediately when I walked in that the guy was realllyyyy good looking and I totally felt guilty that I thought this highschooler was "hot!" hahaah! I got a chance to talk to him before I left and realized HES NOT IN HIGHSCHOOL! He's 26 years old!! I had to laugh to myself because he seemed really nice and was really easy to talk to.... thats my luck- haha!... A hot guy finally starts working at my job... THE WEEK THAT I MOVE AWAY! HAHAHA! I know Im not ready for a relationship of any sort but I still thought it was funny!

• The AC in my car went out yesterday.... go figure... Ive been gone for 3 weeks and my car has been in the shop the whole time getting worked on and they somehow didn't catch that my air conditioning is jacked up! Fun times!
  

• N and I have already gotten in a fight since Ive been back! HA! I had a few text messages from him when I got back so I texted him to thank him for thinking of me and then of course the texts led to a phone call and like always... we ended up fighting. At this point, I just have to laugh because it's a ridiculous friendship we got going on here.
  

• I realized very very soon after getting back that I was never gonna have time to update myself on EVERYONE'S blogs for the last three weeks all at one time... so I'm trying!! Little by little, I'm going back and catching up on all of you guys' lives!! Bear with me!

I'll try to post soon! I didnt take many pictures on the trip because they had their nice camera and said they would make me a cd with all the pics so I need to get those and then tell you all about my trip!!!!!! :)

As I sit reflecting on all that has happened in the past year of my life... I am reminded of why I started this blog in the first place.

I am...

Just a girl living each day by the grace of God

while He heals her broken heart.

I am imperfect.
I am broken.
I am learning.
and I am healing.

End of story.

I started this blog because I needed a place where I could be completely honest with myself. A place to say anything and everything I wanted.

I started this blog not to gain an audience of ladies who could help walk me through hard times.

No, believe it or not, I did not. I started this blog as a journal.

As a place where I could let out my feelings and reveal some of the deepest struggles that I am facing.

I started this blog as a way to talk to God... however I saw fit that day... whether through prayer... a song... a story....

To tell you the truth, I never thought that anyone would ever read this and that it would JUST BE me and God.

But I am thankful for each one of you.

I cannot do this on my own.

I do believe that God sent you guys to me for a reason.

So I am going to keep writing... even when I dont want to...

because in the end.... this is MY story...

and it always will be.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

-Psalm 51:10

In the midst of chaos...

I want to remember that....

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

be kind anyway.

If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies;

succeed anyway.

If you are honest people may cheat you;

be honest anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough...

give the world the best you have anyway

You see, in the final analysis,
it's all between you and God...

it was never between you and them anyways

-Mother Teresa

My One Word

My church does something every year called, "My One Word."

The idea is built from the idea that every New Year, so many people hope that this will finally be the year that things will change! We all make promises about the new person we're going to become, pledging to get a grip on our finances, get in shape, become a better parent, spouse, even a nicer human being! But there’s one problem: our resolutions seldom work. The busy pace of life gets the better of us, and suddenly, the year is over with little to no personal growth having occurred in our lives.

“My One Word” is an experiment designed to people move beyond the past and look ahead. The challenge is simple: lose the long list of changes you want to make this year and instead pick ONE WORD. This process provides clarity by taking all of your big plans for life change and narrowing them down into a single thing. One word focuses on your character and creates a vision for your future.


In previous years, I always chose a word and then forgot about it after a couple months... so this year, with everything going on, I figured... "whats the use?"... Until about 2 days ago.

I felt like God was gently reminding me that I needed a word to live my life by... in the midst of all the chaos I've experienced in the past 15 months.

Finally, it came to me. MY one word. (Yes, I know that it is July and I am 6 months late picking a word but whatever, better late than never)

My one word is

"Wait"

Instead of trying to make sense out of everything...

Instead of trying to fix everything...

Instead of trying to plan out my own life....

Instead of trying to make my own decisions...

Instead of trying to do things alone....

I. will. wait.

I will wait on the Lord to show me the way I am supposed to go.

I will wait on the Lord to open doors that I never expected.

I will wait on the Lord to show me my future career.

I will wait on the Lord to heal my heart.


I will wait on the Lord.

Our God.

Our God has plans and purposes that are far beyond our understanding.

Sometimes those plans and purposes break our hearts.

Sometimes they require sacrifices we never agreed to make.

Sometimes they stop us dead in our tracks,
turn us upside down, inside out, and paralyze us with pain.

But His comfort is not far behind.

And as we climb up into His lap and weep into His chest,
He whispers in our ear,

"Shhh. It's okay. I did it for a reason, and some day I'll tell you what it is."