Whatever.

It's totally weird but lately, Ive been happy and unhappy all at the same time.

It feels so good to be making money and trying to put some away even though its not a salary career and... I am loving being an aunt and getting a chance to sit on the beach some and read and get back into running.

but

theres always something.

I feel like Ive been keeping things from you guys even though that is totally not the case! I just havent had time to get everyone up to speed!

So here it is!

I hung out with one of N and I's mutual guy friends (J) a couple of times and although I dont know him well beyond acquaintances, he's always seemed really cool. Within 24 hours, N had gotten wind of us hanging out and was stalker texting/calling me for the "truth." Apparently someone thought it'd be a good idea to tell N that J and I were sleeping together (which we were not). After 18 hours of ignoring N's texts and calls (because I just didnt feel like dealing with it), I finally decided that Id just call him back- meet with him- tell him the truth and let him know that he cant control my life anymore.

Heres the truth-
I like J. He's a nice guy. but I dont know him that well and I am not in a position to want to date ANYONE right now. J knew that. We only hung out twice anyways so it's not like it was serious. I would have liked to get to know him but that didnt happen because

N CONTROLS EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE WITHOUT ME EVEN KNOWING IT!!!!!

Heres the short story.

I hung out with J. N found out. J found out that N found out. N freaked out. J freaked out. I talked to N. J was already over the situation because of how badly N freaked out. J apologized for things working out this way but thought it might be best if we just kept our relationship as friends. N got what he wanted... Go figure.

Heres the thing that irks me. Even though I am getting to the point where I dont care how my actions affect N anymore, our mutual friends are still caught in the middle and they DO care.

No, I did not go out planning to "date" one of our mutual friends but I refuse to not hang out with certain people because it "might hurt N."

He obviously does not keep me in mind when he makes HIS decisions so why should I keep him in mind when I make mine?

J KNEW when he chose to hang out with me that I was his friends ex. That had not changed. But clearly the fact that N is mad made him rethink our "friendship." I mean... I get it... who wants their friend to hate them because they decided to hang out with their ex. I just dont get why he hung out with me in the first place if this is how he felt.

Im pretty sure J just never thought it'd be this big-a-deal. Me either. I mean, COME ON!.. N had been dating someone for OVER A YEAR but he still cant handle me being with someone else. N just wants to have his cake and eat it too and apparently, IM THE CAKE. UGHH!

Ultimately, N feels I've done something AWFUL by hanging out with his friend and that it's gonna take a long time for him to forgive me but that he respects me for being honest and talking to him about it. J wont talk to me because of how much drama N caused because we were hanging out and I refuse to try to discuss this with someone who clearly doesnt care. N swore he and S were done but then I HAPPENED to pull up to the same stoplight as them the other night so Im assuming he was just adding to the buttload of lies he's already fed me.

Sucky situation that Im just not even gonna deal with anymore.

N sucks.

S sucks

J sucks.

Sometimes life sucks.

but

whatever.