Resentment.

The grieving process is a peculiar thing.

After all the hurt is somehow bandaged up and left to heal, something strong and unmistakable begins to creep in when you least expect it. It comes without you realizing it but when it rears it's ugly head, there is no mistaking its presence.

When something like this happens.... you deal.... however you know how.

Sadness turns into confusion...

... which turns into hurt...

...which turns into anger....

...which turns into resentment.


Resentment.
- noun
- anger, bitterness, or ill will.


I resent Blake.

There.

I said it.



I resent Blake for making me believe what we had was something special.... something he valued.

I resent Blake for telling me he loved me and talking about marriage and a family... then walking away.

I resent Blake for letting me picture our lives together... our future home... our future children... and then shattering that dream right before my eyes.

I resent Blake for sucking me in and then spitting me out.

I resent him.



Yet, I still miss him.

I still wouldnt change taking that risky step of letting him in.

I still wouldnt trade our time together.

I still grieve his absence.



I know I need to let go... because it is more than clear that he is never coming back...

but its so hard to do that when you love someone despite all they've done to you.

I think the reason I cant hate him is because I know he was in an impossible situation. He didnt know that C was going to come back after 7 months of silence. I know he was trying to move on from her and that I was the one (for whatever reason) who he met. I know he didnt meet me and begin to date me with the intention of hurting me. I know he was just trying to pick up the pieces of his life so that he wasnt waiting for someone who may have never come back. I understand all that....

but I still resent him most days.


I wanna scream at him,

beat his chest as hard as I can,

and tell him he crushed my hope that 2nd chances are real.


Ive been through hell once...

Ive been through hell a second time...

and I am scared to death to get sent back a third time.


Its not his fault.

I know that.

Its my fault for reacting the way I have.

For letting myself fall for him and for belieing that 'Happily Ever Afters' do exist.

It is my fault for letting myself become vulnerable; for letting myself love him.

For falling away from God because my resentment for Blake has somehow continued on to my Savior.

I take the blame.


but at the end of the day, I still

love


cry for



miss



grieve over



yet resent Blake.





Wish I could shake these chains Satan has ensnared me with.





{sigh}