Not a good week

No word on the autopsy yet.

I miss Jason.

Every single day I cry because I know I am getting to experience things that he never will again.

I try to remind myself that I should be jealous of him.

Jealous that he is partying with Jesus in a place of perfection.

Still.

I miss him so much it hurts.



There is a lot that has happened in the past 8 weeks that I haven't posted about.

I just didn't have the heart to jinx something that could be good.

It wouldn't have made a difference.

I know that now.


I didnt "meet" anyone.

He just finally had the guts to tell me how he felt.

Ive always felt the same.

But theres always been circumstances that kept me from ever saying anything.

I did the right thing.

I told him up front I wasnt ready yet.

That I still loved Blake.

That my heart was still healing.

that our circumstances were next to impossible and

that we were already at a huge disadvantage for things to work out...


but I told him that I wanted to talk (and ONLY talk) and get to know each other.


I shouldn't have been surprised yesterday when those "circumstances" that always made things impossible before got even more impossibly apparent.

I do not want to talk about it. I have not even told anyone about speaking to him because I didnt want to go through what I had gone through with Blake again.

Now I find myself more wounded than I thought I would be.

I dont think I ever fully healed after Blake.

My heart is still raw and I was still scared to death to be hurt again.

I thought I was doing a good job guarding my heart

and keeping him at enough of a distance.

I guess I was wrong.

I didnt keep him far enough away because

I have found myself right back to the fear that things may never turn out right for me.

and at this moment in time...

thats where I stand.

thats what I believe.


It has not been a good week.