This honesty thing is way harder than I thought.

Even though, I try. I know that I hold back on being fully honest with you guys.

Why? Embarassment. Fear. Worry.

I worry that when I say these things out loud in their fullest and most detailed version that they will become "real" instead of just things Im dealing with secretly myself.

Im afraid I will look stupid and pathetic for even putting up with such crap or that you all will think, "Is she serious? The answer is right in front of her face and she is pulling excuses out of her butt to justifiy looking elsewhere."

I'm embarassed that I still havent fully gotten my life back together 3 months after a break-up.

I dont normally swear, but Jo's last post title seems a good way to describe yesterday for me:

Happy F*%#ing 4th.

Jo also talked about breaking the silence (IRL) by talking to one of her friends about her life situation. While I am not ready for that. I am going to try to break the silence to you bloggy friends who were only getting bits and pieces before. Ugh... here it goes.

These are the reasons my 4th sucked yesterday.

• My grandparents are visiting from Michigan for a few weeks. Love them. But definately dont love sleeping on a blow up mattress every night. Great.
• Not one of my friends even bothered to call about 4th of July plans for the day/night. Yup, my "friends" are the greatest
• So what did I do all day and night? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. yep... that was fun.... good for the ego too.
• I broke down around 8pm and texted N just to see what he was doing. (This is the first 4th in 6 years we havent spent together and after what he said the other night- I thought he would at least give me a call at some point during the day) No reply.
• My mind immediately started racing wondering whether he was spending the day/night with "her" even after insenuating that he wasnt "feeling it" and maybe that was why he didnt reply.
• Had to go put someones dog in for the night while they are on vacation this week and when I got there, the dang key wouldnt work so I spent 30 minutes trying to jam it all the way into the key hole in order to get inside the freakin house. Awesome.
• My 16 year old little sister invited me to come hang out with her and all her friends because she felt sorry for me sitting home on the fourth of July. Pathetic.
• My rents can tell something is wrong and are following me around like no other asking me if I wana do this and that with them or watch a movie or whatever. No thanks. Id like to just sulk about my life right now.
• N and I's friend who moved away right after highschool sent me a message last night telling me that his mom had died. N did not really keep contact with him but I thought he would want to know anyways (Or maybe it was just my excuse to call him...) By then it was well after midnight. No answer. Figures.

Pathetic. I know. At this point, Im furious that N wouldnt even take the time to answer my text and call. Given, IDK what he was doing but it couldnt have been anything good since I am assuming he didnt answer due to guilt. (Yes, I always let my mind run crazy like this thinking of the worst possible scenerio.) My nerves want to try to call him this morning and demand some explanation but I also feel like I dont have the right to do that. I would like to wait and see if he calls sometime today. If he doesnt, I might as well walk away because that just shows me how much he doesnt think of me or care how I feel. (What would you do in this situation? Call? or wait and if you dont hear back... assume the worst and try to move on??)

Seriously, are you f-ing kidding me? Why is this so hard?! Why cant I just have ONE CLEAR ANSWER about how to deal with this situation. One day I feel like things are starting to come back together and then the next, its all been unraveled again right under my nose. Its like having a wound start to heal and then having it ripped open again and again on a consistent basis.

Hello, God?! A little help here!!!!

Okay, Im going to get ready and head to church... alone once again. Hopefully it will help me not hate life so much right now.

KHS- I am currently reading a book and am trying to finish it sometime in the next couple of days so I can start the Ebook you reccommended. Im sure Ill have plenty of time to finish my current book since I have no life- ha. Thanks again- I'll let you know when I start reading it.