Whew!

My friend just left to head back home and now I am trying to relax for a little bit. :) I am really really glad that she came!! Shes a great friend and Ive missed her since school got out. We got a couple good beach days and overall, it was just a really good couple of days. Ive got to admit though... I'm EXHAUSTED. The whole entertainer role is a big one and I'm glad to have some down time now.

I don't know why but Ive thought about N a lot over the last couple days. Im not sure if its more than usual or if Im just surprised because I thought having a friend here would make me think about him less. I dont know. All I kno wis that I'm still hurt by how this has all turned out but I refuse to let myself take steps back. Its been 9 days since we've talked.

I miss O. My plan has been to text N this afternoon to see if I can arrange to take O for the night. I dont have many nights available this week to take him so tonight is really my only option. N has never refused before but because of our lack of communication, I am scared to death that he wont answer my text or will say no. I guess we'll see. I am not, in any way, trying to communicate with N beyond making those arrangements because of how hard I know it will make things.

And before the comments start in, Id like to say that many many people have already told me that I'm dumb to try to keep seeing O because its going to make things hard. That I need to just give him up and realize that sometimes you have to just walk away. Well... I'm going to go ahead and clarify that I will not do that. O is both of ours. Just because he lives with N does not mean that I have to give him up yet. I know this will be hard. I know that it may make things worse.... but I WILL NOT give up on him. I know he's "just a dog" but he is like my child and it's worth it to me to keep trying to spend time with him even if it means awkward moments with N. Yes, eventually the visits may become farther apart or maybe even cease altogether but right now, I am not ready for that. He knows I am his mom and I can see that when I take him overnight. He is so excited that I am there and will not leave my side the entire time I have him. I wish the situation didn't have to exist but it does and right now... this is how Ive chosen to deal with it. No hard feelings... just wanted to clarify :)

Anyways... there is a lot of worry on my mind right now that I don't feel I can talk about quite yet. I hope that I wont have to address it but I guess time will tell and you all will know when/if the time comes. (Vague, I know but that's all Ive got)

Meanwhile, I am going to continue to take things one day at a time. There's really no other way to live, right?! :)