Pretending

I guess I thought that pretending that everything was going great would somehow convince me that I am doing great... (Im sure you all saw right through me...)

but Im not gonna lie, this is awful...

I've found that I put a smile on my face all day/night while Im with friends and family to avoid questions or pity and because of this....by the time the day is done, I am exhausted. Sometimes the pain feels so fresh that I cant hide it and my eyes give it away. I quickly notice the concern in someones eyes and immediately change my expression. This just leaves me defeated by the time I lay down at night because Ive allowed so much hurt to build up during the day trying to hide it. I feel like a ton of bricks is weighing me down every night when I go to sleep. Its hard to breathe sometimes...((sigh))... Im ready for better.

I have a friend from school coming to visit tomorrow until Tuesday. I know I have to put on a happy face and be the entertainer while she is here. I am grateful for the distraction and good friendship I have in her but Im afraid that it will be really emotionally taxing to wear that mask every second of the day. I know I shouldnt wear it but right now, its harder to talk and think about it than to just pretend (to everyone else) that its not there. Im afraid that my much needed "alone time" will be hard to come by for the next few days. Ahhh.

Its been 6 days since I have spoken to N. He hasnt tried to contact me at all. In a way that hurts but in a way its a relief that I dont have to choose whether to answer his call/text. I hate this.