Sorry for lack of info with an **UPDATE**

Sorry I havent been talking about much of anything lately. Ive got a lot going on and its just hard to get things into words.

On the N front, we didnt talk for over a week before we touched base when I picked up O and then went another week without talking. He called me one day saying he had a bad day and just wanted to talk to someone who "understood him." I can tell he's really having a hard time with all this. I enjoyed catching up with him but was surprised when he called again the next day to talk. Im not against speaking to him, I just dont want to take steps backwards in terms of how often we speak and how well I deal with it. Anyways- I went to Ocean Isle for a couple of days and talked to him the day I came home since I was picking O up that night. I could tell when I picked O up, that N was just really struggling but I didnt want to overstep my boundaries by asking what was going on so I didnt. We didnt talk while he was gone but when he called to let me know he was almost back in town- I could tell the weekend away didnt help.

Im house/dog sitting this week and so I dropped O off at N's condo yesterday afternoon only to get a call from N later saying he was thinking about heading to a buddy's house at Lake Gaston to try to "get away, clear his mind," and do some wakeboarding for a few days and would I want to keep O again?? Im glad he has the opportunity to do that- Of course Im bummed bc in normal circumstances, Id be going along since the guy is both of our friends but whatever. Anyways, he brought O over last night and brought me dinner (didnt expect that one- it was just taco bell but it was still nice). He thanked me for taking care of O again and once again, I could just tell he was just bummed with life (God knows I understand how he feels). Hes been making some hard decisions about his wakeboarding career, school, etc and so we took a walk around the neighborhood with O and just talked about life. It was insightful and reassurring to hear whats going on with him and how hes feeling but it sucked too because I didnt know what to say to make it better. It never seems like guys tell you what you want to hear but I mean, if hes being honest, I cant ask for anything else.

Ive always been the one who made his life better and now I just feel like Im not enough anymore. Obviously, a big part of this is him learning how to stand on his own two feet (as it is with me) and I just dont think he realized how hard it would be. Its been six and a half years since he's been single and on his own and maybe he just expected the transition to be smoother than it has been. He said some things that made me feel like this time apart IS really teaching him some of the hard life lessons that I wanted him to learn- I know I know I sound like the big bad witch wanting him to learn hard lessons but ya know, I sheltered him from a lot of that because I made things easier on him and he didnt even know it.

Now dont get worried- we are both on the same page in terms of not being together. We both know we need this time and that we may NEVER get back together depending on how the next year goes. Im just glad we are able to talk about things and can maintain communication about O and what not. Im not gonna lie- Its hard. I still love N. I probablly always will but Im finally getting to a point where I am more confident that this is where we should be right now. I still have some really hard days (Like today...) when I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me and I cant breathe...like things are NEVER going to get better... but at least those days are becoming less and less.

Whatever, thats whats been going on- Im keeping O until Tuesday night or Wednesday morning when N gets back and then Ive got a few more days of house/dog sitting and then Friday straight from housesitting, I start babysitting kids overnight for the weekend. After that, I'll be doing laundry and preparing to leave for the BAHAMAS on Saturday the 8th (No, I still have not found a bathing suit!)!!! I'm really glad to have O for a few more nights but its difficult bc hes in a new place with a new dog (the family Im housesitting for is fine with him being here) and I just have this constant weight on me because I know that N is hurting and I know how bad that feels but I cant fix it. I want to call him and see how hes doing but Im not going to because then I risk taking steps back (siiggghhhh) Im babysitting for a new family tonight so hopefully that goes well and Ill get a good nights sleep since I pretty much tossed and turned all night last night.

PS Remind me not to wait this long to update you guys on my life anymore. Getting all of your input and encouragement makes things WAY easier to deal with than keeping it all bottled up.

Also, Please please be praying for Stellan He is not doing well at all. The little guy is in the fight of his life and needs our prayers.

*** UPDATE!!! ****

1. N did not end up going out of town. His dad needed his help at the office so he decided to stay here. I feel bad for him bc i think he was looking forward to getting away for a while. Anyways, that means I wont have O after today :( I know that N would let me keep him if I wanted but I guess it will make it easier to babysit this week and do things without having to worry that O is scared in a new place. He prob couldnt care less but thats the mommy in me)
2. Stellan will be heading to Boston with his parents shortly. This is NOT good! The fact that they are taking him by air ambulance (or even taking him at all) means this is very serious and he needs more advanced medical care than they can give him at his current hospital. Please pray that Stellan will remain strong and that the doctors in Boston will be able to do SOMETHING... ANYTHING to help him.