That didnt last long.

(Warning: very lengthy- I understand if you dont feel like reading)

Heres the low-down on what went down that other day.

Ive always known that N is one who does not like to be alone. I figured he would find something or someone to fill the void of me eventually just to ease the hurt. I braced myself for that because I knew it would hurt no matter how significant or insignificant that person was. I knew that a while after we broke up, he started casually hanging out with a girl now and again. He was always honest about it. He knew I didnt like it but what could I do??... He is welcome to have friends that are girls- I cant tell him he cant. (but of course, i was jealous). Well... that insignificant girl became something more significant. He says he is not trying to keep it a secret. That nothing has happened that I would be upset about. Just that he likes hanging out with her but that he feels guilty even hanging out with her because of how often he thinks of me and how bad he misses me. I felt hurt, and confused. I couldnt expect him to stay alone for this entire year tho. That is part of what this break up is for; to know what it is like to not be together. Regardless, I dont like it. I decided I couldnt continue to talk to him knowing that he is "talking" with someone else. Its been just shy of 3 months since we ended things.

We had that conversation on a friday night. Well, one of my good friends was turning 21 that weekend and was having people over for a cook out/pool party. I DID NOT feel up to going but put on my happy face anyways and made my appearance. Now, I am not a party girl. I dont normally drink alcohol and I have never been drunk. I have avoided bars and clubs my whole life because the environment stresses me out and I dont like it. My friend, who loves dancing and having a few drinks decided that what she wanted for her birthday was for me to go to the beach bars with her and all of the other friends that were in town for her birthday on Saturday night (as she turned 21 at midnight). UGHHHH! Are you kidding me? I felt obligated to go because she only turns 21 once and I didnt want to upset her. I did not tell her about N and I's recent conversation because I didnt want her knowing I was upset to ruin her birthday weekend. So again, I put on a happy face and suffered through the night stressed that I would see people who knew N who would in turn call him (even though he already knew I was going because I told him) and make the night even worse and get him stressed out.

Well, the whole not talking thing didnt last long. N sent me a text message that night. Of course, my stupid self answered him because I care about him more than my own good. It was brief but I felt the need to ease his mind as Im sure he was stressed out that I was going out to a bar and also due to the fact that one of his friends apparently hates me and fed N some BS about how I am supposedly dating someone behind his back. First of all, thats ridiculous, and second, N would be the first to know if that were to happen because I wouldn't want him to find out any other way.

The only thing that got me through the weekend was the fact that I stayed busy with all the crap I had to do for the birthday. It was hard because N moved into a new condo that weekend. We had talked about doing that together. Now, I am not part of it. That was suppose to be our move. and apparently he felt it too b/c he texted saying it was weird to move without me by his side. I didnt respond.

The thing is...

I dont hate him

Yes, I am angry and hurt.

But what did I expect?

For him to stay alone forever?

I want him to be happy.

But I want to be happy too.

I dont want to think about him.

But I do.

Alot.

And then I get that pang in my heart.

Reminding me that he hurt me.

Is hurting me.

When I went to get O last night, I chose to remain very business-like to avoid breaking down in sobs in N's new condo. It was awful walking through the unit knowing that I didn't get to decorate the way we had planned and that it was not OUR home but HIS. You could have cut the tension with a knife. Then out of nowhere N said, "You know, she will never mean more to me than you do." WTF?! I was just thinking, "don't do this to me. You are choosing her over me and now you're telling me you care about me more than her?" I just stood there... willing myself not to cry. He asked whether this was how it was gonna be now? and I just asked, "what?" He said that I was being very business like (uh... DUH!) and that I wouldn't look him in the eye and that he felt like we were a divorced couple who was passing our child off for weekend visits. I simply said, "um, i mean, how else is it supposed to be?" He looked hurt, and it broke my heart because I knew if I let myself act normal, that I would feel more guilty for still loving someone that didnt choose me. So, I turned around and walked out the door.

After a nice break down in my car in the parking lot, I headed home with O trying not to let the sadness creep back in. It was all I could do to not turn the car back around and walk back into that apartment and into N's arms. I miss him. I picked up my phone a million times to text him. I settled with a simply "Sorry..."

A sorry that emcompasses more than I could even explain to him.

Im sorry that things turned out this way.

Im sorry that I still think about you every day.

Im sorry that I still love you.

Im sorry that I walked out like that.

Im just sorry.

He responded saying, that I shouldnt be sorry. That he was proud of me for walking away. That if I hadnt left right then, that he would have pulled me into his arms because he needed me and that he didnt want to hurt me like that.

WHHHHATTTTT?!... I didnt respond and right as I got to my room and layed down with O, I received a text message from N that said, "I didnt choose her over you."

I was furious. I picked up the phone and called him. What the F does he mean, he didnt choose her? (On Friday night, he told me he couldnt figure out what he wanted and that he needed some time. I said he could have all the time in the world but to not expect me to be there waiting when he made up his mind.) Anyways, were having a hard time hearing each other and he asked me to come back to his place to talk. I did... We spend the entire night talking about what is going on and what each of us want. Im glad I did but Im also now fighting myself because I dont even know what I want right now. I love him and I want to be with him but not if its gonna be like before.

I told him that Ive already prepared myself for him to take the easy street (ie. her or someone else eventually) because being with me is going to be hard and he normally always takes the easy street. I said that if he is not willing to give 150% to better himself and in turn better us that I dont want him to pick me. I said that I wasnt going to agree to just start dating again right off if he did choose us because that would be stupid and within a matter of months, we would be right back where we started from. I left his place this morning feeling no worse than I did walking in. better? maybe- Im not sure. I do know that this waiting game cant go on forever. I need to think about what I really want.

The other day I was driving home from babysitting. It had been a hard day and I found myself screaming at God asking him to just TELL ME what Im suppose to do. Do I walk away completely? or do I wait it out and see what happens? Then... just like that "Raining on Sunday" by Keith Urban came on the radio. Every ounce of breath in my lungs left because that song has been one that has been ours since the beginning. One of the first times we kissed, was on a Sunday while we were laying in his bed listening to the rain and since then, every Sunday that we'd wake up to the rain, we'd lay in bed just a little longer listening to it together. I started crying trying to figure out whether this was a sign that meant, "keep trying. Dont give up on him yet." My God! I dont know what to do. Ive been thinking about him since I left.

One of the last things I said to him before I left this morning was.... "Well I guess you have a big decision to make." and he looked at me and said "yea, but Im already seeing things more clearly now." Now whether that was a crock of shit or he really is thinking about trying to work things out- I dont know but Im scared either way.

Sorry this was so choppy. Thats all I have right now.