Update

I received a text from N this morning after my last post saying "sorry about last night, I accidently left my phone on the boat all night and just got it back." I told him that I had emailed him and to call me when he can. Its a relief to know that he wasnt purposefully avoiding me. I just got off the phone with him and of course, I have mixed emotions. Im way relieved but as is with everytime I talk to him, Im puffy faced and crying. He just brings up so much emotion that its like I cant contain myself. It makes me feel better to just let it all out though and I know he knows that so he kind of expects it. Its nice to not have to act like everything is fine and he is the one person who knows that its not.

We talked about how I never want things to be bad between us and he insisted that no matter what happens to each of us in life, that we will always be okay with each other. He promised me that any time I wanted to take O that I could even if Im still doing it 10 years down the road. That makes me feel so much better. I am going to take O tonight and bring him back tomorrow while N is at school. I've missed by baby boy!

I talked with N about how Ive been feeling and my concerns and he was great about letting me know that all that is okay and that he doesnt fault me for feeling the way I do. Although I wana just pretend things arent different and just have us get back together- I feel like we are still on the same page knowing that getting back together is not what is best for us right now. We both know that anything is possible in the future but we're going to keep living and whatever happens happens later. (Sigh) Ive said this a million times before.. but I just wish things were easier- That I knew what to expect- that I didnt have this pain in my heart that wont go away.

Sometimes Im really scared that it will never go away. That I'll be this pathetic for the rest of my life and that I'll let great things pass me by because my heart still hurts so bad. Its not that I dont want to feel better... to BE better... its that "better" just seems so far away. Everyone keeps saying that it will happen in time so my only choice is to believe that.