Lonliness.

I'm really lonely.

I dont know what else to say except that I am not used to being alone this much. My friends are never there when I need them (that will be a whole other post altogether) and Im getting frustrated that I spend more time by myself sitting around the house than I ever have, I think, in my entire life. Once again... pathetic... I know

I always thought my friends were awesome. That they would always be there when I need them most because I was always there for them when they needed me. Its almost like they hang out just enough to fulfill their obligation and then they carry on with their own happy lives satisfied that they've done their part.

Ive been told my whole life... that I am different than most people and that I think about other people more than the normal person. I do what I know is right more often than not and when I do something, I think about how it is going to affect others in the long run. Im constantly doing more than is expected of me (especially in work related areas) and am then bummed when I dont see the outcome I feel I deserve. I guess I just never realized that...that wasnt normal behavior and that the average person is way selfish and always puts themselves before others.

Dont get me wrong... I am a selfish person too... everyone is. I am not perfect... no human is. But I've always felt like I treat others the way I would want them to treat me and Im really mad that I never get that in return.

I know that the answer is right in front of my face. That God is the only one I should ever depend on and that Ive lost that mindset over the past few months and years. I drove to church on Sunday and ended up bawling my eyes out in the parking lot for so long that I would have been late to service and a look like a hot mess so I left. Ive picked up my bible multiple times in the last couple days only to read of few lines and then give up. God is trying to get my attention, I know. He is allowing this to happen in my life so that I turn back to him and learn, ONCE AGAIN, to rely on Him and only Him. Im still working on that. Surrender. Easier said than done, for sure.

Simply?... Im just tired. Tired of fighting for nothing. Tired of depending on people that only disappoint me. Tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Tired of sitting around day after day wallowing in self-pity. Tired of thinking of N. Tired of being angry. Tired of being Sad. Tired of being Lonely. Tired of knowing "the answer" but for some reason looking the other way instead of running into His arms. I know youve heard this all from me before and you have been so AMAZING leaving wonderful comments to encourage me and help me but I am just bummed again today and needed to vent once again. Thanks for listening.

I picked up my phone this morning to text N and I talked myself out of it. We havent spoken in a little over 2 days. Monumental? Probablly not. Moving in the right direction. Absolutely. It sucks and feels good all at the same time but its a start.