Full Circle.

My parents have been married for 25 years. No previous marriages for either of them. Both came from 2 parent homes and neither have had to be in the middle of a divorce as a child. Both live for one another and their family and both would give anything for the other. I still see them cuddling late at night, holding hands on walks, and smooching at the kitchen sink while my mom does dishes. I look at my parents and I pray that I find a man that loves me as much as my dad loves my mom.

N's mom has been married 3 times. N's dad, twice. His mom left his dad when N was 8 and took her fair share of his dad's money. N was fought over. Was put before a judge and asked who he wanted to live with. He was bribed. He was manipulated. He was the middle man in a nasty divorce. He witnessed his mom hit his dad while his dad just stood there taking it all. He was found in a bush hiding with his dog the next morning by the police. He has a wonderful father who is still broken and paying for that divorce but would give him the world if he could and a mother who is still so self-absorbed and dependent that she makes him feel guilty every chance she gets.

I am not telling you this to try to make you think that I came from a perfect family and he from a broken one.. because that is not the case. It's just something that I have had to fight against for the entire duration of our relationship- something I didn't know anything about- His fear that what happened to his parents will happen to him... that what his mom did to his dad will happen to him... that what they did to him as a child, he will do to his own.... unintentionally, yes but there nonetheless.

The thing is. He has never admitted that fear... until today.

I have always stuck with N through hard times because I KNEW I was the ONLY one who would... who has. He expected me to leave when things got hard... just like everyone else in his life at one point or another. He expected me to give up on him... just like everyone else. He subconsciously pushed me away to prevent himself from getting hurt. He hurt me... broke me down... and each time that I stood strong and stayed by his side, he realized I wasn't like everyone else. Each time this happened... a little piece of that wall that had been constructed throughout his childhood, was broken down... until he could see me, still there, over that heap of rubble. I have witnessed him being transformed from what he was to who he is now and I saw through every single statement he made because of fear for what it really was.

If he never fully gives his heart to someone, then it cant be broken. If he always has the upper hand, then he'll never be out of control. If he doesn't use the word love, then he'll never know the hurt that goes along with it. If he never gets married... then divorce will never happen. If he never has children... then he'll never be able to hurt them the way his parents have hurt him.

I've always known these things... and Ive worked hard to show N that what happened between his parents will not necessarily happen to him. Its HIS choice... He can either succumb to that fear and stereotype or fight against it.

Today, we had a really rough conversation. It ended with me in tears and him completely shutting down. Then, when I got on facebook tonight, he immediately messaged me and revealed the very fears that Ive always known were there.... (know that it is not characteristic of N to open up and share his fears and feelings so this was very unexpected...)

"one day u will wake up, and be bored with us, and then ill get f**ked up or ull find someone better than me or both and everyone's life will be a sham. Everyone involved including possible children will get f**ked up. its a lose lose. There is really a very slim probability that you will always be into me and us. no one will put up with me and my baggage forever. no one is like that, how can i trust that you are? how can anyone trust anyone like that?"

What do you say to that? How do you convince someone that the unhappily ever after that his parents had is not an irreversible curse bestowed on him??? So I told him..."You just have to trust me." I would think that he would know I was in this for the long haul after 6.5 years but apparently the reason for our breakup was more about fear of the future and rejection than anything else.

Then I got this...

"im sure my mother promised my father all that shit till she was blue in the face, he believed her, and now hes 60 and hes still working when he could've retired at 45. My mom was considered good looking and she knew it. she knew she could just find another, u don't realize how good looking u r and eventually you will and someday you're gonna realize that u can have anyone u want and i will be left in the dust. there is no way i can maintain the upper hand over a life period"

Here's the thing N... "I am NOT your mom. I have NEVER been your mom. I will NEVER BE your mom."

I know you may think that me quoting him may be too personal and if he knew, he would probably agree but I feel like things have come full circle to what I have been trying to make him see this whole time. What was defining about our relationship is still the foundation of his fears. The thing is now...He is not only realizing his fears... but he is admitting them. No, this does not mean that things are going to be "fixed" but its a huge relief to know that I wasn't fighting for a lost cause that I just fabricated in my head.

I have never been able to explain to anyone why it is so hard for me to let go... and this is it. I have spent our whole relationship showing him that I wont give up no matter how hard things get or how bad he makes it sometimes... Its instilled in me.... Its part of me now.... fighting for N has become as 2nd nature as breathing itself because it's what I've always done. Does that make sense to anyone?! How can you stop doing something that you've spend almost a 1/3 of your life doing?

but I do. but I am. but Im not.

I really shouldn't care anymore... but I do.
I really shouldn't think about him... but I do.
I really shouldn't talk to him... but I do.
I really don't want to feel this way... but I do.
I really don't want to love him... but I do.
I really don't want to hate him sometimes... but I do.
I really don't want to live this way... but I do.
I really shouldn't listen anymore... but I do.

I shouldn't be crying... but I am.
I shouldn't be holding on... but I am.
I shouldn't be so upset still... but I am.
I shouldn't be hurting inside... but I am.
I shouldn't be nice about it... but I am.
I shouldn't be sitting here alone... but I am.

I should be better by now... but I'm not.
I should be moving forward... but I'm not.
I should ignore his calls... but I'm not.
I should face reality... but I'm not.
I should be happy... but I'm not.

I feel stuck
I feel tired
I feel broken
I feel hurt
I feel angry
I feel stupid

1 step forward
2...3...4... steps back.
better seems so far off
I cant get to it
I say one thing
and do another
I want to feel one way
I feel the other
I want better
I need better
I'm ready.

No turning back now!!!!!!

As of about 5 seconds ago, I am officially heading in the medical sonography career direction. I dropped my Physics II class which is necessary for PT school so THERES NO TURNING BACK NOW!!! I am scared and relieved at the same time. I feel good about my decision but am also worried that something will go wrong before/when/after I apply! WHAT IF I CANT COMPLETE ALL THE NECESSARY COURSES IN TIME?? WHAT IF I DONT GET INTO THE PROGRAM??? WHAT IF I END UP HATING IT??? Ahhhh! I know I am worrying way to soon for that since I dont apply until March but WOW, this is a whole new road that I dont know much about and its S.C.A.R.Y!!!! Right now, Im going to just worry about Fall semester and making it through without killing my roomate (more on that later- you guys need to be filled in!!!) Going with "R" to her appointment yesterday made me that much more confident that this is the path I should be on! Finally! One thing to check off my list :)

Appointment Update

**Pregnancy Mentioned**

Mommy "R" has ONE healthy baby in her belly!!! (See previous post if you have no idea what Im talking about) She and Daddy "T" were kinda disappointed that there werent twins but are VERY happy that the baby was looking good and measuring at 8w3d! Thats a week more than she thought! Of course that estimation could change but so far, things are looking great! We're going to go celebrate tonight at J Michaels Philly Deli which "R" craves A LOT now that she's pregnant and which I crave... well.... even though Im not! :)

If Im moving forward... why do I feel so crappy?!

I'm not sure what my deal is. Ive just been really down these last few days and I don't know why. I feel like I'm moving in the right direction but its like something is still bothering me that I cant pinpoint. Here's what has happened today, no real order, just filling everyone in on my very uneventful life.

1. I really miss Olly. This is the first morning Ive woken up without him in 4 days. Didn't think Id get used to him being around again that quick but I did.
2. I ordered THIS tankini top last Wednesday in another attempt to clothe myself in the Bahamas. Thought that well....15 or so Business days should be PLENTY of time to get it in the mail. Today, noticed that it still hasn't even been shipped. Called the company, was told that they haven't shipped it yet but that it should arrive by the 7th. Uh. What?! That's like way over the stated 8-10 days to receive an order. Praying it comes in time and that... IT FITS!!!
3. I babysit for one of the PTs I volunteer with. Have always loved his wife. Shes now selling JuicePlus+ and asked me to look into it. It seems like a good supplement but Im not trying to pay for something like that while in College. She has been calling me trying to "talk" to me about the product. Ive kind of blown her off (nicely of course) since I have no intention of actually buying it. She called AGAIN today and mentioned me trying to sign on as a JuicePlus+ consultant part time. ?????????WHAT?????????? Not sure I even love the product. Not sure I would even want to do that. Not sure it would be a smart move considering I have IC (it might make it worse?? I don't know) Now Ive been mooched into having a three way consultation with her and another JuicePlus consultant tomorrow night at 7pm. Annoying? Yes! Blessing in disguise? God, I freaking hope so! Not something I wanted to deal with right now. Have I ever mentioned I DO NOT like pushy people.
4. The family I am going to the Bahamas with found out they are pregnant with #4 a couple of weeks ago!!! :) Long story short, their oldest (5 yrs old) has always said some pretty crazy things that seem to come true a lot of the time. (I may have to swear on my life that I think shes prophetic) Anyways, she has been talking about her "baby sisters" for about a year now. What baby sisters you ask? Well... she has none!- only two younger brothers. She always talks about her twin baby sisters and how God will send them when He is ready. I'm going with the mom tomorrow to her first OB appointment and I am wondering whether we will see two sacs instead of one!!! Mom has said that this pregnancy is WAY different than her other 3 but that she doesn't want to get her hopes up about it maybe being twins. Would so be crazy if it is and the little on "called it" but seriously I wouldn't put it past God to allow a child to give us a message!! :) I will let you know what we find! Obviously one healthy baby is completely AWESOME too but I'm just curious as to whether her "prophecies" turn out true.
5. Nothing is more frustrating than when someone asks me to babysit and says "Ill call you back when I know for sure" and then the night before comes around and they still haven't bothered to call. A lot of people act like I don't have a life and that I sit around waiting for them to ask me to babysit. What makes this time worse is that Ive never even babysat for this family before. She booked me for an entire week and then canceled the night before when she remembered that the kids had camp that week. There went an entire week of potential other jobs I could have booked if I had known. I'm just annoyed.
6. Not sure if I'm stoked with how the Bachelorette ended. First off, I SOMEHOW always stumble across who they pick on facebook, people.com, whatever BEFORE I have a chance to watch the episode- HUGE BUMMER so I wont say who she picks in case one of you hasn't watched it yet but yeah... not that I don't like him... just think I liked the other guy better. Whatever... its not my life- ha. I wonder if it will last?

If your still reading... thanks! I really really appreciate your dedication to reading my very un-exciting life stories and making me feel better with your comments anyways ;)

Sorry for lack of info with an **UPDATE**

Sorry I havent been talking about much of anything lately. Ive got a lot going on and its just hard to get things into words.

On the N front, we didnt talk for over a week before we touched base when I picked up O and then went another week without talking. He called me one day saying he had a bad day and just wanted to talk to someone who "understood him." I can tell he's really having a hard time with all this. I enjoyed catching up with him but was surprised when he called again the next day to talk. Im not against speaking to him, I just dont want to take steps backwards in terms of how often we speak and how well I deal with it. Anyways- I went to Ocean Isle for a couple of days and talked to him the day I came home since I was picking O up that night. I could tell when I picked O up, that N was just really struggling but I didnt want to overstep my boundaries by asking what was going on so I didnt. We didnt talk while he was gone but when he called to let me know he was almost back in town- I could tell the weekend away didnt help.

Im house/dog sitting this week and so I dropped O off at N's condo yesterday afternoon only to get a call from N later saying he was thinking about heading to a buddy's house at Lake Gaston to try to "get away, clear his mind," and do some wakeboarding for a few days and would I want to keep O again?? Im glad he has the opportunity to do that- Of course Im bummed bc in normal circumstances, Id be going along since the guy is both of our friends but whatever. Anyways, he brought O over last night and brought me dinner (didnt expect that one- it was just taco bell but it was still nice). He thanked me for taking care of O again and once again, I could just tell he was just bummed with life (God knows I understand how he feels). Hes been making some hard decisions about his wakeboarding career, school, etc and so we took a walk around the neighborhood with O and just talked about life. It was insightful and reassurring to hear whats going on with him and how hes feeling but it sucked too because I didnt know what to say to make it better. It never seems like guys tell you what you want to hear but I mean, if hes being honest, I cant ask for anything else.

Ive always been the one who made his life better and now I just feel like Im not enough anymore. Obviously, a big part of this is him learning how to stand on his own two feet (as it is with me) and I just dont think he realized how hard it would be. Its been six and a half years since he's been single and on his own and maybe he just expected the transition to be smoother than it has been. He said some things that made me feel like this time apart IS really teaching him some of the hard life lessons that I wanted him to learn- I know I know I sound like the big bad witch wanting him to learn hard lessons but ya know, I sheltered him from a lot of that because I made things easier on him and he didnt even know it.

Now dont get worried- we are both on the same page in terms of not being together. We both know we need this time and that we may NEVER get back together depending on how the next year goes. Im just glad we are able to talk about things and can maintain communication about O and what not. Im not gonna lie- Its hard. I still love N. I probablly always will but Im finally getting to a point where I am more confident that this is where we should be right now. I still have some really hard days (Like today...) when I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me and I cant breathe...like things are NEVER going to get better... but at least those days are becoming less and less.

Whatever, thats whats been going on- Im keeping O until Tuesday night or Wednesday morning when N gets back and then Ive got a few more days of house/dog sitting and then Friday straight from housesitting, I start babysitting kids overnight for the weekend. After that, I'll be doing laundry and preparing to leave for the BAHAMAS on Saturday the 8th (No, I still have not found a bathing suit!)!!! I'm really glad to have O for a few more nights but its difficult bc hes in a new place with a new dog (the family Im housesitting for is fine with him being here) and I just have this constant weight on me because I know that N is hurting and I know how bad that feels but I cant fix it. I want to call him and see how hes doing but Im not going to because then I risk taking steps back (siiggghhhh) Im babysitting for a new family tonight so hopefully that goes well and Ill get a good nights sleep since I pretty much tossed and turned all night last night.

PS Remind me not to wait this long to update you guys on my life anymore. Getting all of your input and encouragement makes things WAY easier to deal with than keeping it all bottled up.

Also, Please please be praying for Stellan He is not doing well at all. The little guy is in the fight of his life and needs our prayers.

*** UPDATE!!! ****

1. N did not end up going out of town. His dad needed his help at the office so he decided to stay here. I feel bad for him bc i think he was looking forward to getting away for a while. Anyways, that means I wont have O after today :( I know that N would let me keep him if I wanted but I guess it will make it easier to babysit this week and do things without having to worry that O is scared in a new place. He prob couldnt care less but thats the mommy in me)
2. Stellan will be heading to Boston with his parents shortly. This is NOT good! The fact that they are taking him by air ambulance (or even taking him at all) means this is very serious and he needs more advanced medical care than they can give him at his current hospital. Please pray that Stellan will remain strong and that the doctors in Boston will be able to do SOMETHING... ANYTHING to help him.
   

Does anyone else ever wonder?....

why the heck people don't seem to think about what they are about to do before they do it??


PS Please please take a minute to pray for baby Stellan who is back in the hospital. :(

O

Im keeping O today and tomorrow and can I say... HE STINKS??!!! Ha, leave it to a guy to forget to make a grooming appointment before going out of town. I think that a bath is in his VERY near future since he likes to sleep in my bed on my blow up mattress with me every night. Thank God for hoses on a hot day, doggy shampoo, and a dog that really stays when you tell him to! :)

Not much going on here just trying to stay busy without exhausting myself :) A lot of my regular babysitting families are heading back into town so I've been able to babysit a little more lately and try to prepare financially for the upcoming school year. I had a job last night, this morning, and again all day tomorrow and then I will head down to Ocean Isle for the night to hang out with one of my friends from school. I'll head back home friday afternoon and then Im taking O Saturday and Sunday while N is out of town. Im not going to lie... I am pretty tired !!! I guess Ive gotten used to doing a whole lot of nothing lately and being busy again is throwing me for a loop :) News on my career decision and other stuff coming soon :)

Not good.

The Tankini tops from Limericki.com came in... doesnt look like they are going to work. Bummer.

Prayers Needed!

Prayer Warriors!
Please join me as I storm the floodgates of heaven on behalf of this wonderful family! If you do not already follow their story... please do! I promise you wont regret it!

Career Dilemma

This is a post Ive been wanting to do for a long time so BEWARE! THIS IS LONG!!!

My whole life, I have always put my mind to something and then "just done it!" No questions, No "I cant do this", No 2nd thoughts. When I was a senior in highschool, I decided that I was going to become a Physical Therapist. Well, about 2-3 months before N and I decided to break up, I woke up one day and realized... I dont think I can do that for the rest of my life. Since then, I have looked into the Sonography program at the local community college in my hometown and am pretty interested in what I know so far. I mean, who wouldnt want to be able to look at babies all day long and give parents the opportunity to see their child!! I need to make a decision ASAP as DPT (Doctorate of Physical Therapy) program applications are due in October and I would still need to take the GRE and go through the whole application process.

Obviously, I have had some really mixed feelings from friends and family members about the change. Some say, "OMGOSH that is a perfect fit for you! You should definately do Sonography!" while others give an awful facial expression and a "Are you sure you want to switch from a great field such as Physical Therapy?" My older sister has made me feel like crap about changing my mind and "wasting my parents money" for four years and I am having a really hard time dealing with that. For some reason, I really want her support with whatever decision I make but I also dont want to make a decision based on what SHE would do instead of what I want to do. My parents, brother, and younger sister are supportive of whatever I choose and my rents have said repeatedly that they DO NOT view the past 3 years as me "wasting money." They just want me to be happy and do what I love. I am at a loss. I really dont know what I want to do. I have put together some Pros/Cons and would love some feedback if you guys feel like doing so.

A few things you need to know about me first:

1. I DO NOT do well with blood and wounds. When I was 8, my hamster bit me and I fainted at the sight of my own blood. My parents had to call an ambulance because they didnt know what was wrong with me. Also, I get lightheaded, nausous, and must lay down after I get shots at the doctors. I cannot give blood (I am borderline for weight anyways but I will straight pass out everytime!) I almost pass out when I try to give my mom her allergy shots.
2. I have lived at the beach my whole life and I absolutely LOVE IT (well except for the stress of N being in the same town as me right now)
3. I am extremely close to my family and talk to my mom almost every single day while at school.
4. My parents have paid for me to get through my undergraduate studies but I will be solely responsible for any Graduate Program I attend. This means taking out loans and eventually paying them back on my own (I am completely fine with this! They have done their part putting me through college- Now its my turn.)

Alright, so here it is...

Medical Sonography Degree

• 2 year Program (includes 1 summer)
• $15,000-$20,000 in debt (DOES NOT INCLUDE Living Expenses- see below)
• only 10 out of around 150 applicants are accepted each year
• Offered at my hometown community college
• Would be able to live at home with my parents and avoid having to take out loans for housing and living expenses
• Would not enter the Program until August of 2010 (instead of May with DPT Program) so I would have an entire summer to work and make money before starting school (AND RELAX A BIT AFTER UNDERGRAD)
• Would be able to babysit my normal families when available throughout the school year and summers
• Average Starting Salary: $40,000 - $50,000/year
• Some "blood and guts" due to the fact that we guide biopsies and those can bleed some during the process.
• Would have to ultrasound vaginas, scrotums, and rectums during my rotations (Dont know about you, but I'd rather not mess with people's poo holes.) (No, I would not settle into any of those areas once I graduate so it would just be throughout school)
• I would lean towards OBGYN sonography and that is where the majority of people want to be. Less job openings???

Physical Therapy

• 3 year program (INCLUDING 3 summers) beginning in May 2010 (mere week(s) after I graduate from undergrad)
• $80,000-$100,000 in debt by graduation (Includes living expenses)
• Only 26 students are accepted from THOUSANDS of applicants each year for each program (may vary depending on the school)
• No programs in my Hometown so I would be far away from my family. Closest is 2 hours away (UNC) but does not have very good number of clinical rotation sites.
• Program I would like to attend is in SC (MUSC) so my debt would be significantly higher because of out of state tuition. Other program is in Greenville, NC (ECU) and I dont know about you, but I dont really want to live in Greenville for 3 years.
• Would not be able to work AT ALL during the entire 3 years due to how time-consuming the program is and the fact that I would have 3 summers of the program instead of time off to work)
• Average Starting Salary : $45,000-$55,000/year
• Some "blood and guts" because patients come in for therapy PostOp with fresh wounds/bleeding from surgery.
• Would have to work with dead bodies during my Human Anatomy course during the first year (Not sure about you, but I thought dead cats during undergrad was bad)- I know I could deal with it but UGH- gross.
• I would want to work as a Pediatric PT. I would LIKE to work with premies and multiples who have developmental delays due to their prematurity but this is a small population of who I would work with. Majority would be special needs children with Down Syndrome, Cerebal Palsy, etc and I am not sure that I could handle that emotionally.

One of my big reasons for leaning towards Sonography (besides lack of passion/motivation to go through PT school) is money and the fact that I will not be near my family. Although I enjoy UNCG (where I am now for Undergrad), I do not like the town and I feel like Ive "done my time" being miserable in a place that I dont want to be. Also, I have ALWAYS wanted to be a stay at home mom or at least only work part time so I would hate to put so much time and money into something (PT) that I may not even continue once I have children if my husband and I are able to live off of only one income or his income and my partial income. When I talked to one of my friends who is in PT school in Boston about my concerns, she immediately told me that she has never seen the passion in me for PT that you typically see in someone who really loves what they do. That really made me think that if I dont even have the passion NOW, what am I going to do when I'm trying to make it through a vigorous 3 year program?? I have decided to go ahead and complete my bachelors in Sports Medicine at UNCG since I only have one year left and can always fall back on that if I need it (And it will be helpful when trying to get into any program) but really that degree is a "stepping stone" degree so I cant really stop after Undergrad if I want to make enough to live on.

Sorry for the novel. What do you think?

Update

I received a text from N this morning after my last post saying "sorry about last night, I accidently left my phone on the boat all night and just got it back." I told him that I had emailed him and to call me when he can. Its a relief to know that he wasnt purposefully avoiding me. I just got off the phone with him and of course, I have mixed emotions. Im way relieved but as is with everytime I talk to him, Im puffy faced and crying. He just brings up so much emotion that its like I cant contain myself. It makes me feel better to just let it all out though and I know he knows that so he kind of expects it. Its nice to not have to act like everything is fine and he is the one person who knows that its not.

We talked about how I never want things to be bad between us and he insisted that no matter what happens to each of us in life, that we will always be okay with each other. He promised me that any time I wanted to take O that I could even if Im still doing it 10 years down the road. That makes me feel so much better. I am going to take O tonight and bring him back tomorrow while N is at school. I've missed by baby boy!

I talked with N about how Ive been feeling and my concerns and he was great about letting me know that all that is okay and that he doesnt fault me for feeling the way I do. Although I wana just pretend things arent different and just have us get back together- I feel like we are still on the same page knowing that getting back together is not what is best for us right now. We both know that anything is possible in the future but we're going to keep living and whatever happens happens later. (Sigh) Ive said this a million times before.. but I just wish things were easier- That I knew what to expect- that I didnt have this pain in my heart that wont go away.

Sometimes Im really scared that it will never go away. That I'll be this pathetic for the rest of my life and that I'll let great things pass me by because my heart still hurts so bad. Its not that I dont want to feel better... to BE better... its that "better" just seems so far away. Everyone keeps saying that it will happen in time so my only choice is to believe that.

I chose to email N this morning about how upset I am that he is keeping me from O. I made it clear that I am not trying to get him back, but that I dont want things to end like this... us not talking and being on bad terms (for reasons of which I dont even know). I gently reminded him that we always said that no matter what, I would be able to be in O's life. I also said I didnt know what happened to get things to this point but that I hope he will talk to me about it so that whatever he is thinking can be clarified and justified. Pretty much that I hope he reconsiders his current decision because his friendship is important to me. I feel that is all I can do. I really dont know whether I will get a reply because I never really expected things to come down to this. I dont even want to imagine never seeing O again.

Now What?

So... I received no response when I texted N about taking O for the night. I really didnt expect this. I know I said I was afraid of this... but I didnt really think he wouldnt reply. Im pretty upset. Im angry that N didnt answer and really... there is nothing I can do about it except shoot him another text or email about how it upsets me. O is all I have left and Im not willing to give him up. I hope I dont have to...

Whew!

My friend just left to head back home and now I am trying to relax for a little bit. :) I am really really glad that she came!! Shes a great friend and Ive missed her since school got out. We got a couple good beach days and overall, it was just a really good couple of days. Ive got to admit though... I'm EXHAUSTED. The whole entertainer role is a big one and I'm glad to have some down time now.

I don't know why but Ive thought about N a lot over the last couple days. Im not sure if its more than usual or if Im just surprised because I thought having a friend here would make me think about him less. I dont know. All I kno wis that I'm still hurt by how this has all turned out but I refuse to let myself take steps back. Its been 9 days since we've talked.

I miss O. My plan has been to text N this afternoon to see if I can arrange to take O for the night. I dont have many nights available this week to take him so tonight is really my only option. N has never refused before but because of our lack of communication, I am scared to death that he wont answer my text or will say no. I guess we'll see. I am not, in any way, trying to communicate with N beyond making those arrangements because of how hard I know it will make things.

And before the comments start in, Id like to say that many many people have already told me that I'm dumb to try to keep seeing O because its going to make things hard. That I need to just give him up and realize that sometimes you have to just walk away. Well... I'm going to go ahead and clarify that I will not do that. O is both of ours. Just because he lives with N does not mean that I have to give him up yet. I know this will be hard. I know that it may make things worse.... but I WILL NOT give up on him. I know he's "just a dog" but he is like my child and it's worth it to me to keep trying to spend time with him even if it means awkward moments with N. Yes, eventually the visits may become farther apart or maybe even cease altogether but right now, I am not ready for that. He knows I am his mom and I can see that when I take him overnight. He is so excited that I am there and will not leave my side the entire time I have him. I wish the situation didn't have to exist but it does and right now... this is how Ive chosen to deal with it. No hard feelings... just wanted to clarify :)

Anyways... there is a lot of worry on my mind right now that I don't feel I can talk about quite yet. I hope that I wont have to address it but I guess time will tell and you all will know when/if the time comes. (Vague, I know but that's all Ive got)

Meanwhile, I am going to continue to take things one day at a time. There's really no other way to live, right?! :)

Pretending

I guess I thought that pretending that everything was going great would somehow convince me that I am doing great... (Im sure you all saw right through me...)

but Im not gonna lie, this is awful...

I've found that I put a smile on my face all day/night while Im with friends and family to avoid questions or pity and because of this....by the time the day is done, I am exhausted. Sometimes the pain feels so fresh that I cant hide it and my eyes give it away. I quickly notice the concern in someones eyes and immediately change my expression. This just leaves me defeated by the time I lay down at night because Ive allowed so much hurt to build up during the day trying to hide it. I feel like a ton of bricks is weighing me down every night when I go to sleep. Its hard to breathe sometimes...((sigh))... Im ready for better.

I have a friend from school coming to visit tomorrow until Tuesday. I know I have to put on a happy face and be the entertainer while she is here. I am grateful for the distraction and good friendship I have in her but Im afraid that it will be really emotionally taxing to wear that mask every second of the day. I know I shouldnt wear it but right now, its harder to talk and think about it than to just pretend (to everyone else) that its not there. Im afraid that my much needed "alone time" will be hard to come by for the next few days. Ahhh.

Its been 6 days since I have spoken to N. He hasnt tried to contact me at all. In a way that hurts but in a way its a relief that I dont have to choose whether to answer his call/text. I hate this.

Hoping and Wishing and Praying...

yes yes that is what I am doing.

Hoping and wishing and praying... THAT THE DANG TANKINIS I ORDERED WILL FIT WHEN I FINALLY GET THEM IN THE MAIL AND ONTO MY BODY! :)

I went ahead and ordered both tops in a Small AND a Medium just to be sure that SOMETHING will fit. Well... unless my luck shows true and NONE of them fit. Ha Then I will just return the sizes that dont fit and avoid having to pay for shipping and handling twice with an exchange.

I chose not to order any of the bottoms from the site because since they are "modest" they all came up really high and I am just not into that. So I went with a simple black bottom from Victoria Secret for the black and white top (scroll down to the last post if you forgot what it looked like)

I got this solid brown bottom from http://www.tillys.com/ for only $13.97 for the brown and pink suit (I thought it would be way too hard to find a pink bottom to match well enough).

Well... then I got to thinking... What will I wear with the brown bottoms when I want to wear a bikini instead of a tankini...????? so thus.... THIS litte sale item was added to my online cart also.

I always pick up brown bathing suits and then never get them because they arent on sale so what better time to get one than when IT IS on sale! :) (And they had an XL which is hard to come by in the surf clothes world so I had to jump on it!)

Well... then of course that nifty little thing on the side bar (the one that tells you things you "might also like") showed THIS cute little Volcom top for only $9.97 (originally 37.99)!!

and well.... when I saw the cute back... I was sold! :)

Now Im just waiting for everything to arrive while I hope and wish and pray that it all fits and I dont have to do any major returns.... because WE ALL know how annoying that is! :)

Happy Friday!

What do ya think?!

Remember when I vented about the bathing suit issue for my nannying trip in August HERE and I was FREAKING OUT because I couldnt find anything appropriate ANYWHERE?!

Okay... well thanks to Beth!!!!!, who suggested http://www.limericki.com/, I think I have narrowed it down to two MODEST tankini tops.

Now, now... dont get TOO excited yet because I am still trying to figure out which sizes I should order to ensure that I am... .... covered but at least I found CUTE options that I dont mind spending money on!!! :) I have emailed the company for some advice and furthur sizing information to try to make the best choice on size (so I wont have to send them back and/or exchange them for different sizes and pay for shipping YET AGAIN! ahhhhhh. )

Hopefully I'll hear back soon so I can go a head and place an order. Man, I hope they fit!

Just wanted to see what you guys thought of them. I think they are pretty darn cute! :)

Lonliness.

I'm really lonely.

I dont know what else to say except that I am not used to being alone this much. My friends are never there when I need them (that will be a whole other post altogether) and Im getting frustrated that I spend more time by myself sitting around the house than I ever have, I think, in my entire life. Once again... pathetic... I know

I always thought my friends were awesome. That they would always be there when I need them most because I was always there for them when they needed me. Its almost like they hang out just enough to fulfill their obligation and then they carry on with their own happy lives satisfied that they've done their part.

Ive been told my whole life... that I am different than most people and that I think about other people more than the normal person. I do what I know is right more often than not and when I do something, I think about how it is going to affect others in the long run. Im constantly doing more than is expected of me (especially in work related areas) and am then bummed when I dont see the outcome I feel I deserve. I guess I just never realized that...that wasnt normal behavior and that the average person is way selfish and always puts themselves before others.

Dont get me wrong... I am a selfish person too... everyone is. I am not perfect... no human is. But I've always felt like I treat others the way I would want them to treat me and Im really mad that I never get that in return.

I know that the answer is right in front of my face. That God is the only one I should ever depend on and that Ive lost that mindset over the past few months and years. I drove to church on Sunday and ended up bawling my eyes out in the parking lot for so long that I would have been late to service and a look like a hot mess so I left. Ive picked up my bible multiple times in the last couple days only to read of few lines and then give up. God is trying to get my attention, I know. He is allowing this to happen in my life so that I turn back to him and learn, ONCE AGAIN, to rely on Him and only Him. Im still working on that. Surrender. Easier said than done, for sure.

Simply?... Im just tired. Tired of fighting for nothing. Tired of depending on people that only disappoint me. Tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Tired of sitting around day after day wallowing in self-pity. Tired of thinking of N. Tired of being angry. Tired of being Sad. Tired of being Lonely. Tired of knowing "the answer" but for some reason looking the other way instead of running into His arms. I know youve heard this all from me before and you have been so AMAZING leaving wonderful comments to encourage me and help me but I am just bummed again today and needed to vent once again. Thanks for listening.

I picked up my phone this morning to text N and I talked myself out of it. We havent spoken in a little over 2 days. Monumental? Probablly not. Moving in the right direction. Absolutely. It sucks and feels good all at the same time but its a start.

Tattoos that mean something?

THIS is my favorite book of all times.

This book will ALWAYS be my favorite book of all times. (Ive read a lot of books... and nothing seems to beat this one!) If you have never read it... you should go to the book store right this second because... well it changed my life and continues to change my life each day. I promise, once you pick it up, you wont put it down until the end.

Synopsis
Can God's Love Save Anyone?

Best-selling author Francine Rivers skillfully retells the biblical love story of Gomer and Hosea in a tale set against the exciting backdrop of the California Gold Rush. The heroine, Angel, is a young woman who was sold into prostitution as a child. Michael Hosea is a godly man sent into Angel's life to draw her into the Savior's redeeming love. This remarkable novel has sold over a million copies globally and has been a fixture on the CBA bestsellers list for nearly a decade. A six-part reading guide, suitable for individual use or group discussion, is included in this best-selling novel.

You can read part of the first chapter HERE. Just click on "See Inside" at the bottom of the cover.

Anyways... I read this book for the first time in 2005 and was immediately drawn to one of the words used repeatedly through the book.

Beloved.

I chose to read it again right after N and I split. I only allowed myself to read one chapter (Okay maybe two) a day to try to make it last as long as possible. I knew if I just read it as I wanted, I would be done in 48 hours and then Id be bummed that it was over already. :) I can truly say that this book may have been what got me through those first few rough weeks of the summer. I really recommend this book to ANYONE regardless of where you are in your life right now.

Ever since I read it the first time and was drawn to that word, I thought about possibly getting "Beloved" tattooed on the back of my neck (so that I could cover it up if needed later on) and have always talked myself out of it due to the fact that it is SO PERMANENT! I know that this word will always hold a strong significance to me because it represents my relationship with Christ. This word is special to me and will always mean something in my life but I dont want to be a wrinkly old lady with a wrinkly tattoo on the back of my neck that I wish I hadnt gotten.

Anyways, the idea has crept back into my head (probably due to my nice little pre-mid-life crisis going on here) and I was just curious as to whether any of you have tattoos?! and if you do, what are they of, how did you choose it, and do you regret it?

I have no real intention of running out and getting myself tattooed anytime soon but just thought I'd ask to see what responses I get. :)

Now, go get yourself a copy of Redeeming Love, get comfortable on the couch, find a good babysitter for the next two days or place hubby on kid-duty (haha) and get reading :) I promise, you will not regret it.

This honesty thing is way harder than I thought.

Even though, I try. I know that I hold back on being fully honest with you guys.

Why? Embarassment. Fear. Worry.

I worry that when I say these things out loud in their fullest and most detailed version that they will become "real" instead of just things Im dealing with secretly myself.

Im afraid I will look stupid and pathetic for even putting up with such crap or that you all will think, "Is she serious? The answer is right in front of her face and she is pulling excuses out of her butt to justifiy looking elsewhere."

I'm embarassed that I still havent fully gotten my life back together 3 months after a break-up.

I dont normally swear, but Jo's last post title seems a good way to describe yesterday for me:

Happy F*%#ing 4th.

Jo also talked about breaking the silence (IRL) by talking to one of her friends about her life situation. While I am not ready for that. I am going to try to break the silence to you bloggy friends who were only getting bits and pieces before. Ugh... here it goes.

These are the reasons my 4th sucked yesterday.

• My grandparents are visiting from Michigan for a few weeks. Love them. But definately dont love sleeping on a blow up mattress every night. Great.
• Not one of my friends even bothered to call about 4th of July plans for the day/night. Yup, my "friends" are the greatest
• So what did I do all day and night? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. yep... that was fun.... good for the ego too.
• I broke down around 8pm and texted N just to see what he was doing. (This is the first 4th in 6 years we havent spent together and after what he said the other night- I thought he would at least give me a call at some point during the day) No reply.
• My mind immediately started racing wondering whether he was spending the day/night with "her" even after insenuating that he wasnt "feeling it" and maybe that was why he didnt reply.
• Had to go put someones dog in for the night while they are on vacation this week and when I got there, the dang key wouldnt work so I spent 30 minutes trying to jam it all the way into the key hole in order to get inside the freakin house. Awesome.
• My 16 year old little sister invited me to come hang out with her and all her friends because she felt sorry for me sitting home on the fourth of July. Pathetic.
• My rents can tell something is wrong and are following me around like no other asking me if I wana do this and that with them or watch a movie or whatever. No thanks. Id like to just sulk about my life right now.
• N and I's friend who moved away right after highschool sent me a message last night telling me that his mom had died. N did not really keep contact with him but I thought he would want to know anyways (Or maybe it was just my excuse to call him...) By then it was well after midnight. No answer. Figures.

Pathetic. I know. At this point, Im furious that N wouldnt even take the time to answer my text and call. Given, IDK what he was doing but it couldnt have been anything good since I am assuming he didnt answer due to guilt. (Yes, I always let my mind run crazy like this thinking of the worst possible scenerio.) My nerves want to try to call him this morning and demand some explanation but I also feel like I dont have the right to do that. I would like to wait and see if he calls sometime today. If he doesnt, I might as well walk away because that just shows me how much he doesnt think of me or care how I feel. (What would you do in this situation? Call? or wait and if you dont hear back... assume the worst and try to move on??)

Seriously, are you f-ing kidding me? Why is this so hard?! Why cant I just have ONE CLEAR ANSWER about how to deal with this situation. One day I feel like things are starting to come back together and then the next, its all been unraveled again right under my nose. Its like having a wound start to heal and then having it ripped open again and again on a consistent basis.

Hello, God?! A little help here!!!!

Okay, Im going to get ready and head to church... alone once again. Hopefully it will help me not hate life so much right now.

KHS- I am currently reading a book and am trying to finish it sometime in the next couple of days so I can start the Ebook you reccommended. Im sure Ill have plenty of time to finish my current book since I have no life- ha. Thanks again- I'll let you know when I start reading it.

I'm pretty sure that this has been the worst 4th of July of my entire life.

That didnt last long.

(Warning: very lengthy- I understand if you dont feel like reading)

Heres the low-down on what went down that other day.

Ive always known that N is one who does not like to be alone. I figured he would find something or someone to fill the void of me eventually just to ease the hurt. I braced myself for that because I knew it would hurt no matter how significant or insignificant that person was. I knew that a while after we broke up, he started casually hanging out with a girl now and again. He was always honest about it. He knew I didnt like it but what could I do??... He is welcome to have friends that are girls- I cant tell him he cant. (but of course, i was jealous). Well... that insignificant girl became something more significant. He says he is not trying to keep it a secret. That nothing has happened that I would be upset about. Just that he likes hanging out with her but that he feels guilty even hanging out with her because of how often he thinks of me and how bad he misses me. I felt hurt, and confused. I couldnt expect him to stay alone for this entire year tho. That is part of what this break up is for; to know what it is like to not be together. Regardless, I dont like it. I decided I couldnt continue to talk to him knowing that he is "talking" with someone else. Its been just shy of 3 months since we ended things.

We had that conversation on a friday night. Well, one of my good friends was turning 21 that weekend and was having people over for a cook out/pool party. I DID NOT feel up to going but put on my happy face anyways and made my appearance. Now, I am not a party girl. I dont normally drink alcohol and I have never been drunk. I have avoided bars and clubs my whole life because the environment stresses me out and I dont like it. My friend, who loves dancing and having a few drinks decided that what she wanted for her birthday was for me to go to the beach bars with her and all of the other friends that were in town for her birthday on Saturday night (as she turned 21 at midnight). UGHHHH! Are you kidding me? I felt obligated to go because she only turns 21 once and I didnt want to upset her. I did not tell her about N and I's recent conversation because I didnt want her knowing I was upset to ruin her birthday weekend. So again, I put on a happy face and suffered through the night stressed that I would see people who knew N who would in turn call him (even though he already knew I was going because I told him) and make the night even worse and get him stressed out.

Well, the whole not talking thing didnt last long. N sent me a text message that night. Of course, my stupid self answered him because I care about him more than my own good. It was brief but I felt the need to ease his mind as Im sure he was stressed out that I was going out to a bar and also due to the fact that one of his friends apparently hates me and fed N some BS about how I am supposedly dating someone behind his back. First of all, thats ridiculous, and second, N would be the first to know if that were to happen because I wouldn't want him to find out any other way.

The only thing that got me through the weekend was the fact that I stayed busy with all the crap I had to do for the birthday. It was hard because N moved into a new condo that weekend. We had talked about doing that together. Now, I am not part of it. That was suppose to be our move. and apparently he felt it too b/c he texted saying it was weird to move without me by his side. I didnt respond.

The thing is...

I dont hate him

Yes, I am angry and hurt.

But what did I expect?

For him to stay alone forever?

I want him to be happy.

But I want to be happy too.

I dont want to think about him.

But I do.

Alot.

And then I get that pang in my heart.

Reminding me that he hurt me.

Is hurting me.

When I went to get O last night, I chose to remain very business-like to avoid breaking down in sobs in N's new condo. It was awful walking through the unit knowing that I didn't get to decorate the way we had planned and that it was not OUR home but HIS. You could have cut the tension with a knife. Then out of nowhere N said, "You know, she will never mean more to me than you do." WTF?! I was just thinking, "don't do this to me. You are choosing her over me and now you're telling me you care about me more than her?" I just stood there... willing myself not to cry. He asked whether this was how it was gonna be now? and I just asked, "what?" He said that I was being very business like (uh... DUH!) and that I wouldn't look him in the eye and that he felt like we were a divorced couple who was passing our child off for weekend visits. I simply said, "um, i mean, how else is it supposed to be?" He looked hurt, and it broke my heart because I knew if I let myself act normal, that I would feel more guilty for still loving someone that didnt choose me. So, I turned around and walked out the door.

After a nice break down in my car in the parking lot, I headed home with O trying not to let the sadness creep back in. It was all I could do to not turn the car back around and walk back into that apartment and into N's arms. I miss him. I picked up my phone a million times to text him. I settled with a simply "Sorry..."

A sorry that emcompasses more than I could even explain to him.

Im sorry that things turned out this way.

Im sorry that I still think about you every day.

Im sorry that I still love you.

Im sorry that I walked out like that.

Im just sorry.

He responded saying, that I shouldnt be sorry. That he was proud of me for walking away. That if I hadnt left right then, that he would have pulled me into his arms because he needed me and that he didnt want to hurt me like that.

WHHHHATTTTT?!... I didnt respond and right as I got to my room and layed down with O, I received a text message from N that said, "I didnt choose her over you."

I was furious. I picked up the phone and called him. What the F does he mean, he didnt choose her? (On Friday night, he told me he couldnt figure out what he wanted and that he needed some time. I said he could have all the time in the world but to not expect me to be there waiting when he made up his mind.) Anyways, were having a hard time hearing each other and he asked me to come back to his place to talk. I did... We spend the entire night talking about what is going on and what each of us want. Im glad I did but Im also now fighting myself because I dont even know what I want right now. I love him and I want to be with him but not if its gonna be like before.

I told him that Ive already prepared myself for him to take the easy street (ie. her or someone else eventually) because being with me is going to be hard and he normally always takes the easy street. I said that if he is not willing to give 150% to better himself and in turn better us that I dont want him to pick me. I said that I wasnt going to agree to just start dating again right off if he did choose us because that would be stupid and within a matter of months, we would be right back where we started from. I left his place this morning feeling no worse than I did walking in. better? maybe- Im not sure. I do know that this waiting game cant go on forever. I need to think about what I really want.

The other day I was driving home from babysitting. It had been a hard day and I found myself screaming at God asking him to just TELL ME what Im suppose to do. Do I walk away completely? or do I wait it out and see what happens? Then... just like that "Raining on Sunday" by Keith Urban came on the radio. Every ounce of breath in my lungs left because that song has been one that has been ours since the beginning. One of the first times we kissed, was on a Sunday while we were laying in his bed listening to the rain and since then, every Sunday that we'd wake up to the rain, we'd lay in bed just a little longer listening to it together. I started crying trying to figure out whether this was a sign that meant, "keep trying. Dont give up on him yet." My God! I dont know what to do. Ive been thinking about him since I left.

One of the last things I said to him before I left this morning was.... "Well I guess you have a big decision to make." and he looked at me and said "yea, but Im already seeing things more clearly now." Now whether that was a crock of shit or he really is thinking about trying to work things out- I dont know but Im scared either way.

Sorry this was so choppy. Thats all I have right now.