wrecked.

Everything is wearing on me. All of the days are blurring together now. All I can think about is getting through the day and not crying in the middle of a public place looking like a zombie because I just feel so numb.

I am realizing a lot about myself that I forgot... I had realized them when N and I split up but as I had gotten better, so had the memories of these flaws.

1. When I do something, I always do it whole-heartedly. Most of the time, this is a good thing, but when your heart is on the line, it doesn't always turn out okay.
2. I allow myself to "get used to" things being a certain way, and when they change, my world is turned upside down until I can rearrange my new "normal"
3. I keep a lot of my emotions a secret from others so that I dont have to answer stammer and try to come up with excuses as to why I look like death someone just died. (okay, maybe sometimes I DO look like death... but I dont like that so....)
4. I am a really happy person most of the time so when I AM upset, I dont do a very good job at #3 and it is so noticeable that people I barely know can tell that something is wrong the moment I walk into a room.

--------------------------------------------------------
I have done a lot of thinking over the past week.

I spend half of the time trying to justify why I should walk away...

and the other half justifying why I shouldn't....

Sometimes, I really feel like waiting is not worth it.

but most of the time, I feel my heart breaking just to think about walking away from something I want so badly.

Here is how the last week has been....

Thursday

• officially broke up mid-afternoon
• (I cant get the picture of tears streaming down his face out of my head.)
  
• Neither of us wanted to leave the other yet so he came with me to my house to grab some stuff, ate dinner together, and then just spent the evening taking everything in (probably not the best idea but we chose to spend that time together and we cant change it now so whatever)
  

Friday

• He had to drive to Durham really early for an interview. It was really hard to say good-bye to him because I almost worried Id never get to see him again... even though I knew Id probably see him on campus sometime...
• heard from him briefly after his interview at Duke
• the only time I left my bed was to take my exams (yes, multiple exams after not studying) in the morning and to go to work that night.

Saturday

• Woke up thinking how badly I just wanted to go back to sleep so I wouldnt have to face the truth...
• Decided to go for a run out by Blake's apartment (there is a really nice neighborhood down the street that I usually run in.) I didnt park at his place like I normally do. I parked in the neighborhood. I cried the whole 30 minute run. In a way, I think I went because I hoped he would be out running too.
• I got home, and just couldnt take it anymore. All of the emotions from the past few days just spilled over and I called Blake. He knew I wasnt okay. I asked if I could come over so we could talk- he said he was just about to ask me the same thing.
• Spent a few hours together (bad idea, by the time we both left for work, he was furious and I was bawling my eye out because of how hard seeing each other was....)

Sunday

• Went to church wondering if he would still come after everything that happened. He came. He apologized for not calling but didnt know where we stood after the day before. He said he was really glad I came. We sat together and I wanted to cry the whole time.
  
• I Hoped he would ask me to hang out afterwards even though I knew it would be a bad idea to see each other again....
• Went for a run out towards his house and saw him as I was heading out and he was heading back in from his run. (I knew he was going out for a run but I had already planned to go regardless so I decided to go anyways)
  
• He told me to text him when I got back to my car.
• I did. Asked him if he wanted me to come up for a min. He said, "I dont know, Alli. Maybe we can meet up some this week." I agreed although I hated it.
  

Monday

• He came by where I usually sit on campus to "say hey" before he left to go home.
• told me to call him when I left campus... I was surprised.
• I called around 4:30pm and he didnt answer.
• He ended up calling back before he went to work.
• Texted me when he got home from work. "Im home, xoxo"

Tuesday

• Saw each other on campus after his class. I contemplated even going to campus because I feel like us seeing each other everyday (however brief or unplanned) is not giving him the chance to miss me but I had stuff to do.... so I caved.
  
• I felt lost when he went to his office to work on a paper when he knew I was sitting on the same floor doing my own work.
• I blogged for the next hour before my class instead of doing my work.
• Our internet went out after dinner and Ti.me War.ner refused to send anyone until Thursday. Out of frustration... I called Blake because I knew that he'd make me feel better.... I almost wished he would invite me over to use his internet but I knew he wouldnt... it was late already... He told me he was going to bed but that if I couldnt sleep, to call him back.. I knew I would never do that even though I KNEW Id be up because he'd be sleeping and I wouldnt want to wake him up.... When we got off the phone I texted him.... "It was really good to hear your voice. I know I see you everyday but its just not the same... I really miss you." to which he replied... "I really miss you, too..."
  

Wednesday

• I chose not to sit in our department's building because I knew we needed to not see each other.
• I did not hear from him at all (no call, no text, nothing)
• I realize that B and I are supposed to go to a wedding on Saturday (yes, of course I realized it sooner but I didnt know if he would still want me to go so I tried not to think about it) and begin to think more about whether I should ask him if he still wanted me to go or just assume he didnt and go home for the weekend
  

Thursday

• Worked until 1. I had class at 2 but I had to meet with a teacher at 1:30. I thought Blake would be gone by then and I wouldnt have to see him.. I was wrong. I saw his car parked where it normally is on my way to campus. Tried to avoid looking towards his graduate office because I knew he was there and that I shouldnt see him...
• He sees me as he is leaving and he stops by to say "hey"
  
• I could feel the knots in my stomach tighten because I didnt know what to do or say... I felt like he was coming by because he felt like he had to.

I went to class at 2pm and was so overwhelmed and frustrated that I couldnt even lift (its a weight lifting class). I thought I was going to scream. I literally picked up my bags and walked out 25 minutes into the class. I walked straight to my car. I had been trying to decide whether I would contact Blake about whether he wanted me to go to the wedding with him still or go home to see my family knowing that he could very well contact me later in the weekend to go to the wedding or just meet up. I was completely torn and didnt know what to do. Now, with how overwhelemed I was, I decided I couldnt NOT talk to him.

I texted him when I got to my car to see if he had to work tonight. He didnt answer. I was already at a state of... "I have to speak to him to get some answers" that it wasnt an option to just wait so I called. He didnt answer... I freak out... think about all the reasons why he wouldnt want to talk to me... when he calls back.

He tells me sorry, he was on the phone with work and they are making him come in tonight. I asked him if he would be willing to meet up with me after he gets off. He agrees but seems really concerned. Asks if Im alright. (NO, Im not alright but I tell him that Ive just been thinking a lot and we need to talk).
--------------------------------------------
We are going to meet up tonight when he gets off.. when that will be... I dont know.... but I do know that it is necessary if I am going to feel content with my decision to stay at school or go home this weekend.

I want to go home because

1. This is probably the last weekend that I dont have to work before I graduate.
   
2. I cant stand the thought of being here at school and knowing he is here yet having the possibility that he will not contact me at all (even about the wedding).
   
3. I want to see my parents but I dont want to be questioned about everything with Blake. (They know we broke up but they dont know the details).
   
4. I want to hug my baby sister and I want to touch my older sisters growing baby bump and help her fold baby clothes and decorate the nursery.
5. I want to sit on the beach and spend some time with God in a place where I always feel calm... but I am afraid that even the beach wont ease my troubled heart
6. I havent been home in a month because I wanted to spend every waking moment with B.
   

I want to stay at school because

1. I am broke and shouldnt spend money on gas
2. I dont want to have to answer to my friends back home who dont know that B and I broke up yet.
3. I am afraid that it will be just as stressful to go home as it would be to stay here
4. I dont want to miss an opportunity to hang out with Blake
   
5. what if Blake DOES want me to go to the wedding with him and I am 3 hours away when he asks and cant get back in time.

I know that my reasons for staying at school revolve around the fact that I dont want to miss out on seeing Blake and I KNOW that it shouldnt be like that. I should go home BECAUSE of things with Blake and not let myself think of the "WHAT IFS" that stand if I choose to stay or go.

I guess I am going to pack up as if I am going home and see how tonight goes with Blake.
----------------------------------------------------------

All I know is that I need answers. That is the whole point of me seeing him tonight.

I need to know where he is.

What he is thinking.

How he is feeling.

If he is favoring one side vs another.

I need to know if he thinks about me when he lays down at night...

and when he wakes up in the morning..

I need to know whether he wants to hug me when he sees me or whether the feelings just arent there anymore.

I need to know whether he thinks about me as much as I think about him

I need to know if he regrets his decision

I need to know whether there is any hope for us...

Because if there isnt... I need to move on... and if there is... I still need to decide whether waiting is the best thing for my heart.

I say that like it will be a conscious decision to wait for him... or to walk away... when in reality I know its not. I can SAY I am going to walk away but that doesnt mean that my heart will let go and stop hoping for a miracle... OR I can SAY that I am willing to wait but I know that my heart will be in tiny little pieces by the time things are said and done.

I dont know what to do..

I am anxious to meet with him...

I am worried I wont say everything I need to say...

I am scared that he wont say the things that I want to hear him say...

I dont know what he is going to say and I dont know if he has even had a chance to work ANYTHING out in his head. He had a crazy week at school and has had to work 10-12 hour shifts almost every single night since we broke up.... Even though he tells me I am not... I still worry that I am bothering him and pushing him away.... I am trying to give him space to work things out in his head... but its really hard to give someone space that you feel like you cant live without.