Broken

These are my raw, personal thoughts. You may not agree with them or feel that I am justified in feeling this way but at this moment in time, this is how I am feeling. Broken. I know that you guys have been a huge source of encouragement and advice over the past year and for this reason, I dont want to hold back. I may start including some of my personal prayers for my own documentation and as always, your words are much appreciated.

My Savior,

I am lost and I don't know where to go.

I am broken and I feel beyond repair.

I need you and I don't know where you are.

Almost exactly one year later, I find myself on the same exact floor, crumbled in defeat, crying out your name and praying that you will hear me and make this pain go away...

but its still here.

It still rips at my heart and bears down on my soul until I cant seem to catch my breath.

I need you now.

I live my life in doubt of everything. I didn't used to be like this but over the years, fear has grown deep within me. That fear controls my every thought... my every action... I just cant shake it.

Doubt has its hold on me... it is the reason I cannot let go and let You take the reigns and it is probably the reason I cannot see You in this storm yet. I look around and I doubt that you are even there.

It seems as if it doesn't matter whether I give it to You or not because life is hard and it will still hurt. There is no way out- No where I can go where it cant get to me. I dont want to be in this place. I dont want to feel like I cant eat... or sleep... I dont want to feel like I am so broken that I am beyond repair... and I dont want to feel like it wasnt worth the risk.

Im scared that the pain that I have felt over the past year will never go away... I thought it had... but it was just hiding and waiting for a time when it could creep back into my very being.

One year ago, I surrendered myself to You again. Even though I felt like my world was falling apart, I put my trust in You and believed with all that I was that you would not let me go through that much pain if there wasn't something better on the other side.

When I met Blake, I felt it in my heart... and deep into my soul... that he was who You had chosen for me. HE was what you'd been preparing me for over the past year. I believed that. I trusted that you lit that fire in me so that I would know that it was okay to try again.

I didnt mean to allow myself to love him so much. I fought it. I knew that I could not handle being hurt again like that... but I could have sworn that I heard your voice tell me that it was okay... that you had chosen him specifically for me... and that it was time to let down my guards and let someone love me the way that you had intended.

Now I just feel stupid. Stupid for believing that happily ever afters really do exist. Stupid for feeling like once in my life, I could be lucky enough to have someone amazing who treated me right and made me truly happy. I feel stupid that I did run the moment I found out that C had contacted him. I just feel stupid for believing things could actually turn out right for once.

Am I being punished because I let myself love him more than I think I love you? I dont know how to make myself love You the most because sometimes I cant find you there. I cannot touch you or feel your arms around me or hear your voice when I need it...

Did I let myself fall for him too quickly? Did I let him tear down walls too soon!? To be honest, I had no choice, it happened without me even realizing it. I loved him from day one but only because I felt like it was okay.

Why did you bring Blake into my life, Lord? I want to know... I need to know. I dont want to believe that You sent him to me to hurt me. I want to believe that what I felt that first night I spent with him was real.... I want to believe that the joy and contentment I felt inside was not just a dream and that it was your intention for me. I want to believe that in the end, my gut feeling will have been right.

Everything was so perfect... so perfect, in fact, that I waited for the shoe to drop. Well it did.... but just a little too late. My heart already belonged to him by the time C decided she wanted a 2nd chance and I cant get it back. I cant make him not love her... but I can choose to not make the same mistake twice. I refuse to be second. I refuse to stay with someone who cannot be 100% committed to me at this time. Even though he is not with her now, I know that he has to work a lot of things out in his head and in his heart before (if ever) he could be with me.

The bad thing is... I understand. I understand what its like to love someone but be so incredibly afraid to give them another chance. I understand what its like to KNOW that you shouldn't give that person another chance but want to anyways because you just HAVE to know, for your own sake, if what you feel is real or just how you've always felt without reason anymore.

I dont know what will happen and Im scared.

But I do know that I cant do it again... I cant keep feeling this way... I cant open up my heart to someone just to be hurt and I cant go through this heartache again.

I have nothing left... absolutely nothing.

I know it's selfish for me to think this way.... but isnt it my turn? Isnt it MY turn to be happy after all this heartache? Dont I deserve a happily ever after... after all that Ive been through?

I need you... Jesus.

Im here.

Wont you meet me?