tgif?

Went to a baseball game last night. It was awful because all I could think of was that B and I were supposed to go to one together. But I put on my happy face and acted like I was having a good time. I hate drunk people and I hate that girls feel the need to wear next to nothing at a BASEBALL game when it is 60 degrees out and windy.

Went out with some friends afterward to try to keep my mind off B... didnt work out so well. Alcohol does not help a lonely heart (even thought I only had 2 drinks over the space of 3 hours). By midnight, I just wanted to go home and cry because of how hard this is. (I hadnt been out without him yet and it was really hard). I held it together until I dropped everyone off...

Eventually I broke.... and texted him around 1am. He had just gotten off work... so I knew he was tired... we casually texted for a min before he said he was about to pass out from exhaustion and that we'd talk tomorrow.... I said ok. I turned my phone off today. I dont know why... I dont know if it was in hopes that he WOULD call and worry because my phone was off (WHAT IS MY OBSESSION WITH THIS WORRY THING???)) OR if I turned it off so I wouldnt have to know whether he actually called or not... I just couldnt deal with the fact that he could potentially not call even though he said he would... Im an idiot... because now I dont know either way.

I didnt lay down until 2am.... and of course... I couldnt sleep... even then. I finally fell asleep at 330am... and was up again at 5:30... tossed and turned until I fell back asleep at 6:30.... only to have to get up at 8am for class. Im getting tired of this not sleeping thing.

Tonight I feel like... friends just suck. They dont mean to, but sometimes they do. I had plans with one of my best friends tonight to just 'hang out' and do nothing.... but her boyfriend came into town and surprised her with tickets to the Martina McBride/Blake Shelton concert. So where am I right now? Yup, at home. alone.

I realized that one of the best things about Blake was that I just loved being with him. It didnt matter if we were just sitting on the couch in our sweats on a friday night or whether we went out with a bunch of friends... I was just always so happy to be with him.... and I always had so much fun. It not easy to sit here on a friday night alone knowing that if we were still together, I wouldnt be in this situation... ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I am not the kind of girl who is going to call everyone I know to try to find something to do tonight.... I just wont.... Call it pride (which is what it probably is) or whatever you want... but I wont do it.

I miss him. So badly it hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. And once again, I find myself sitting here feeling lonely and wishing things could just be different.